Our happier mood lasted through dinner. The phone rang a few times as the story of my mother's argument in the hospital cafeteria was circulated through the gossip network. Karen and I were always amazed at how quickly news like that spread. She thought it might be the birds that lighted on telephone wires.
"They fly around depositing the gossip on different telephone lines."
It was a funny idea. I'd miss those silly little conversations, I thought, conversations we didn't have to hide from the world and conversations we could hold without a dark shadow hovering over us.
Once again, after dinner, I lay quietly in my room and listened to see if I could hear her moving about above me, giving herself away. She was remarkably quiet, so much so that I actually wondered if she had left. She would at least put a note in my bathroom, I thought. Where would she go, anyway? How would this end?
I had a harder time falling asleep this night than the one before, because I kept anticipating what it was going to be like in school. I couldn't stay away another day. My absence would attract even more attention and interest.
The following morning, my father decided he would drive me to school. He didn't want me riding the bus. I knew he was hoping to prolong any confrontations or unpleasant discussions for as long as possible, and he also thought I'd have more insulation against them when I was actually in the building and under the supervision of the teachers. He gave me advice all the way there.
"Don't be like your mother and react to anything. Try to shrug it off. In time, it will all go away, believe me. The girls who disliked Karen will probably be the nastiest," he told me. "Speaking of that, how come she didn't have more friends, Zipporah?"
"I don't know," I said. Was he going to ask me why I didn't, either?
"Kids in school can be so clannish. It's hard to be a real individual sometimes. If someone is really annoying, don't hesitate to go to your teacher and ask for help. Don't think you have to carry it all on your shoulders. Karen took the easy way out, running away," he added. "For now, it seems easier, but it won't be easier later on, believe me. If she had any reason to do what she did, she should have gone to people who could have helped her."
He glanced at me to see how I would react. I looked out the window. I knew what he was doing. He was giving me every opportunity to tell him more, to tell him what I really knew.
"I know you feel sorry for her. That's all right. You should. She was your friend," he continued. "But Harry Pearson was well liked. No one can say anything bad about him. His customers thought he was compassionate and considerate, and as far as anyone could tell, he was providing a nice home for Karen and her mother. That's all true, isn't it, Zipporah?"
I closed my eyes. "I thought you didn't want me to talk about it for a while," I said. "You keep talking about it. You're making me so nervous I don't want to go back to school." My voice got so shrill it even surprised me.
"Yes, you're right. You're right. Sorry. I'm just as guilty as everyone else around here. Damn."
He leaned over to give me a kiss when we drove into the school parking lot. He held me a moment longer.
"I'm proud of you, Zipporah," he said. "Proud of the way you're holding up under all this."
It nearly brought me to tears, tears of happiness and tears of guilt. One again, I was on the verge of confessing it all and asking for his help and
forgiveness. He turned away before I could.
"Thanks, Daddy," I said, and got out quickly. If I remained a moment longer, I was sure I would confess it all.
I didn't look back, but I sensed he was sitting there watching me walk toward the school entrance to be sure I was all right. I passed through the front door. It didn't occur to me until then that Karen wouldn't be inside. We wouldn't hang out at our lockers and enjoy making comments about some of the other girls who buzzed around us like frantic bees. What I was actually afraid of facing were not the questions that would come my way but the little silences that Karen and I filled for each other to make each other comfortable and secure.
I suddenly felt as if I were entering the school for the first time, with a first-time student's anxieties. I was alone once more, searching for a friendly smile.
Who would become my new friend?
Whom could I trust with my friendship?
And who would want to trust me with theirs? Especially now.
In a few hours, Karen's stepfather would be buried but hardly forgotten. Her name would be on everyone's lips. All this would be happening while she moved in the shadows and behind the curtains of my house, because I was keeping her secret, a secret like a daily dose of poison that could make me sicker and sicker.
10 Back to School
I saw from the way the girls clumped around Alice Bucci while they looked my way that the story about her mother and mine arguing in the hospital was already old news. She led them toward me the moment I went to my locker. They all wore gleeful smiles, their eyes dazzling with anticipation. The show was about to begin. The curtain they had expected to go up yesterday was finally being lifted. They gathered in a semicircle, trapping me against the bank of lockers. I felt myself stiffen and tighten all over, but then I imagined that Karen was right beside me. Together, we could stand against any and all.
One thing was certain: I couldn't show any fear, not even nervousness.
"So, what do you think of your friend now?" Alice asked.
"I still prefer her to you," I said, and her face turned traffic-light red so fast it looked as if a fire had started in her nose and mouth. Her friends all groaned and laughed.
"Well, you're just . . . a . . . you're just a . . ."
I stepped closer to her. We were practically nose to nose, my eyes drilling into hers.
"Don't spit it out, Alice. Swallow it!" I shouted.
Her eyes nearly exploded with fear and surprise at my strength and aggression in the face of her and all her friends.
When I shifted my gaze to the others, I saw they were looking at me with similar expressions of terror, and I suddenly realized that because I was Karen's best friend and because of what she had done, I wore a new cloak of invincibility. It was as if they believed I might be capable of the same violent actions and was therefore someone too dangerous to confront. They were already stepping back. Alice spun around and retreated. Her friends froze for a moment and then followed her down the hall, waddling behind like baby ducks.
I let out a trapped breath. I had met my first test and held up. Karen's going to be proud of me. Wait until I describe this to her I thought, and smiled to myself. Head high, I sauntered down the hallway to my homeroom before the first warning bell sounded. Mrs. Cassidy, my homeroom teacher, gave me a friendly and comforting smile, and I felt my body soften and relax while we all listened to the morning announcements.
All day, I sensed the eyes of my fellow students following me, watching my every gesture, my every expression, and listening to me whenever I was called on to answer a question. My voice never cracked. I didn't stumble. I was just as prepared as I ever was, not that I was any genius. Some looked surprised; many were disappointed. Sally Bruckner, a mousylooking girl in our class who was more often alone than not, was the nicest to me. Loneliness made us birds of a feather.
"I'm sure you're upset about Karen," she said. "It's very sad."
"It is," I told her, and she left it at that. Later, I sat with her in the cafeteria.
To my utter astonishment, Dana Martin came over to sit with us. Apparently, Karen was a wizard when it came to predicting what the other students, especially boys, would do.
"Mind if I join you?" he asked, putting his tray on the table and sliding into a chair.
"Anyone is free to sit anywhere he or she wants," I said.
He smiled, sat, and shook a container of milk Sally looked down at her food. When he started to eat his sandwich, I saw how almost everyone else in the cafeteria was watching us. My heart began to pound, despite my brave front.
"Did you know I
saw her the night before all this happened?" he asked, taking another bite of his sandwich.
"Saw who?"
"Very funny," he said, smiling.
"If you're referring to Karen Stoker, the answer is no. The night before all this happened, as you put it, I was with her at her house."
"All night?
"No."
"I imagined you two shared everything. She didn't tell you how she snuck out to meet me once before?"
I looked at Sally and then at him. Karen had told me about meeting him, of course, but I had no idea she had done so the night before her
confrontation with her stepfather.
"No, she never told me such a thing "
"I guess she wanted to keep it a big secret. I just thought she would have told you, if she told anyone."
"Well, she didn't. Maybe you're imagining it, fantasizing."
He laughed and continued to eat. I saw the way he was looking across the cafeteria at his usual gang of friends. I suspected he had bet on what he would or would not find out from me. He probably claimed he could get any girl in school to do anything he wanted her to do.
"So, where is she?"
"If I knew, I wouldn't tell you, would I?"
He laughed again. "I had no idea she was capable of such a thing, did you?"
"Capable of what thing?"
"C'mon," he said. "Don't play dumb."
"What do you want me to say? I'm just as upset and surprised about it as everyone else. If you're here to tease me or anything, to show off for your friends, you're wasting your time. Go back to your fan club," I snapped at him It was precisely how Karen would say it, I thought.
"Relax. I'm not here to do anything of the sort. She told me how close you two were. She said you were as close as sisters and were interested in the same things. She said you were a lot more mature than people knew, just like she was. In fact, she wanted me to arrange a double date for this coming weekend, so that's how I know whatever happened was unplanned. I might even be a witness or something if the police find out what I know."
"So, why don't you just go and tell them?"
He shrugged. "I'm not crazy about getting myself involved. Of course, we now have another witness." Sally looked up at him and then at me.
"Sally's not a gossip," I said. "She's a lot more intelligent than the rats who follow you like the Pied Piper."
"So, Sally here is going to be your new buddy?"
"She's not only more intelligent, but she happens to be nicer than most of the girls in this school."
"Probably true," he said, smiling at Sally. She immediately blushed from ear to ear. "You and I should get together and talk," he said, folding up his wax paper and bag. "Compare notes, so to speak. I'll give you a call."
"Why?" I asked as he stood up.
He shrugged. "I'm sure it's as hard for you to live with it as it is for me. Maybe together, we can help each other understand it. I know you need someone to talk to," he added. "We can comfort each other. There are ways."
He winked at me and started toward his friends. Sally looked at me, her face the picture of envy.
How did Karen know this would happen? I wondered. What had she told him about me, about us? Was this what she meant by planting seeds? Could it be true about the double date idea? What would I do if he did call me?
I was so anxious to hear the bell ending the school day, I couldn't stop squirming and turning in my seat. When it finally did ring, I rushed out of the classroom and down the hallway, keeping my eyes fixed on the exit and not looking either right or left at any other students. The moment I charged out of the building, I was shocked to see my father waiting in the parking lot.
I hurried over to him.
"What are you doing here, Daddy?"
"How'd it go?" he asked instead of answering. "Okay," I said.
"I had an hour before I need to be somewhere, so I thought I'd stop by and give you a ride home."
"You don't have to do this, Daddy. I'm fine," I said. I looked at the other students making their way to their buses and cars. To me, it seemed they were all looking my way and smirking. "They'll all think I need to be babied or something. It just makes it worse," I said. I knew Karen would surely be wondering why I needed to be taken to and from school like this, and it would cut down on the time we could spend together.
I saw from the way his lips tightened that I had hurt him with my sharp tone.
"I only mean to help you, honey."
"I know. I'm sorry, but I can't expect you to be here to pick me up every day, and I've got to be able to do it, don't I?"
"You're right again, of course. Parents just can't help being overprotective, especially in light of something like this. Go on. Take the bus, just as you normally would. I'll head back to my office."
"Okay, thanks," I said.
He nodded and got into his car. Feeling terrible, as if I had swallowed a pile of pebbles, I turned and hurried to the bus. I made my way down the aisle to the rear seat, as usual, and plopped down, pulling my legs up and turning my body so I didn't have to see any other student, just the way Karen always did. I looked out the window, but I wasn't looking at anything. When the bus started away, the noise around me grew louder and louder. The chatter sounded like electric motors humming away. I wasn't listening to anyone in particular. Words ran into words until they were indistinguishable. A kaleidoscope of emotions twisted and turned under my breast. The great secret of Karen in our nest bore a hole in my heart because of how I was deceiving my parents. I couldn't stop thinking about handsome Dana Martin, either, and the tension of the day. Anticipating more confrontations kept me on such edge I felt as if I had been running for hours.
I closed my eyes and bounced along with the bus as it went around turns, made stops, and continued. I was actually feeling quite nauseated. Nervousness had twisted my insides as if I were made of rubber bands. Why did I turn my father's offer down? I could have been home already and comfortable. Why was I afraid of frightening Karen? She didn't seem capable of fear, at least the fear I felt. I looked up at the attic window as I stepped off the bus, but I didn't see her peeking out. Maybe she was downstairs, I thought, and hurried to the front door.
Just as I was about to shout for her, the phone rang. I debated letting it ring but decided it might be my mother calling from the hospital to be sure I was doing okay.
"Hello," I said, gazing around in expectation of Karen appearing out of one of the rooms.
"Zipper," I heard, and knew it was Jesse. "I can't believe what Mom told me. I've been calling every minute for the last twenty, hoping to catch you as soon as you got home from school before I have to attend my next class. What happened? Why did she do it?"
How strange, I thought, that lying to my parents was easier than lying to Jesse. I started to say, "I don't know," and stopped.
"She hated him."
"I knew she wasn't fond of him or the marriage, just from what I picked up in her sarcasm, but this . . ."
"I don't know everything, Jesse," I said. It wasn't a lie. I didn't. "No matter how close you are with someone, you don't know everything" Karen's words and wisdom seemed quite appropriate at the moment.
"I guess not. How are you doing?"
"Okay," I said.
"It's hard for you at school, I bet. Everyone had to know how close you two were."
"Yes." I wondered if he had heard of my mother's argument with Mrs. Bucci at the hospital. I wasn't going to be the one to tell him.
"Well, I wish I was there to help, but . . .
"I'll be fine."
"Listen:' he said, taking on the voice of a big brother, "if she calls you, Zipporah, you let Dad know, okay? Promise?"
"I already have promised him, Jesse."
"Good. You'll be helping her, too. Okay, I'll call you in a few days."
"Don't worry about me," I said. "Just do well in school."
He laughed. "I never thought she was capable of such a thing," he said. "Funny, how you
think someone who's so pretty and so dainty can't be dangerous."
I didn't say anything. The silence was roaring through the phone at both of us.
"Speak to you soon," he said, and hung up.
"Hey," I heard, and looked up the stairway. Karen was standing there, wearing one of my bathrobes. It was the heavier one, a light pink terry cloth. "Who was it?"
"My brother."
"Oh, great. Did he ask about me?"
"Of course, he did:'
"What did you say?"
"I didn't tell him you were here, if that's what you mean."
"Good."
"I didn't have a pleasant day," I said.
She smiled. "Come on up to the nest, and tell me all about it, and don't leave out a single detail, no matter how unimportant it might seem. I've been going crazy here imagining it all."
I started up the stairs. The phone rang again just as I reached the top, so I went into my room to answer. It was my mother, as I had expected. I reassured her that I was fine and school had gone okay. Then I told her Jesse had called.
"Yes, I thought I had better tell him before he heard from someone else. He was very upset for you."
"It's okay. He's fine," I said.
"He's fine?" She laughed. "We weren't worrying about him, Zipporah. We were worrying about you. All right. I'll see you at dinner tonight, and so will Daddy."
"I wish everyone would stop worrying so much about me," I complained. I heard her audible sigh. "I mean, I'm grateful, but . ."
"Okay. The funeral was gigantic," she said. "Did Daddy tell you?"
"No."
I felt terrible not even asking about it.
"He didn't?"
"I didn't let him drive me home, Mama. I came home on the bus."
"Oh."
"I've got to be able to do things on my own." "Sure you do."
"What was the funeral like?"
"Darlene Pearson was so sedated she could hardly stand. I had forgotten she had a younger sister, Jackie Nelson. She came from Dallas, Texas, with her husband, Brady. Your father and I didn't go to the house afterward. I had to get to work, and so did he. It was the biggest funeral in Sandburg. The church overflowed into the street. Anyway, I'll see you later."