“I’m going to go watch the game,” Nikoli announces, pushing to his feet. “You want to come?” he asks Luca.
I observe Luca’s reaction, wondering if he’s a football kind of guy. In fact, I wonder a lot of things about him, what he likes other than candy and teasing me.
He doesn’t seem that eager, but still says, “Yeah, give me a bit. I need to give Anna her present first.”
Nikoli gives me a perplexed look. “You can come, too, if you want,” he tells me, tossing and catching the football Loki just gave him.
Ever since he came into my room, asking me to do our family a favor, we haven’t spoken. And since we hardly talked before that, his offer catches me off guard.
“Maybe I will.” I shrug, scraping up the frosting on my plate. “In fact, I probably will.”
Some of Nikoli’s anxiousness alleviates, and he heads for the stairway with a bounce in his walk.
Zhara goes right into cleaning mode, jumping up and picking up pieces of wrapping paper.
“Just leave it for a while.” I snatch hold of her hand when she reaches for a bow near my foot.
She shakes her head anxiously. “I need to clean. This place is a mess.”
“Mom never cleaned on Christmas,” I remind her. When she looks torn, I press, “Just let it go for today, and I’ll help you clean it up tomorrow.”
She tucks one of her curls behind her ear, her cat eyes boring into me. “Why are you being so nice?”
I shrug, flicking a few stray pine needles off my legs. “Call it an act of insanity due to too much cake and candy today.”
She sneaks a glance in Luca’s direction, and I can see her wheels turning. I want to demand that she stop overanalyzing my behavior change, but I’m not about to do that in front of Luca.
“Fine. I’ll leave it until tomorrow, but only if you’ll watch a movie with me tonight. A happy one.” She cringes, but sticks out her hand to shake on it. “None of that blood and guts stuff you’ve been watching lately.”
I run my thumb along the leather-studded watch on my wrist that she just gave me. Clearly, she took into account the things I like. “Fine.” I shake her hand and seal the deal despite how much I don’t want to watch a happy movie
“Thank you, Anna.” Her smile goes poof. “I have no idea what to do with myself now.”
“You can stay here and watch Anna open her present,” Luca suggests, scooting down onto the floor beside me with a gift in his hand. “Maybe if you’re lucky, she’ll share one of them with you.” He sets the box on my lap then rests back on his hands, looking totally entertained by my befuddlement.
I tentatively shake the box wrapped in purple wrapping paper, and it rattles. “Hmmm . . . Let me guess. A huge ass box of candy.”
“You’ll have to open it up and see.” His eyes sparkle mischievously.
I pick at a crease in the paper, but finally grow inpatient and just tear into it. “It’s . . . Sparklers.”
Like the Fourth of July sparklers my dad used to give me for my birthday. I glance up at him, grasping the box in my hand, and he smiles, but I can tell he’s nervous by the way he keeps wiping his palms on his pant legs.
“I just wanted to get you something fun,” he explains, sitting up straight. “I thought maybe we could go out and light them up in the driveway.”
I want to toss the box into the fireplace and run away as it explodes. Forget about Christmas and presents and Fourth of Julys, but then what the hell would I do? Sit up in my room and feel every emotion, all alone.
“Okay?” It sounds like a question.
“We don’t have to,” he says quickly. “We can just hang out and watch the game if you want.”
“Didn’t peg you for a football fan,” I mock with a grin.
He lifts his shoulders, giving a eh shrug. “I’m not.” He flicks the box in my hand. “I’m more of a let’s-do-something-adventurous kind of guy, but I’m always up for anything.”
I stare at the box. What do I want to do?
What do I want?
I have no damn clue.
“We can light a couple,” I say with a shrug, pretending to be more composed than I really am.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.” I stumble to my feet, just to prove that I’m completely and totally sure.
“Awesome. Let’s do this, then.” Luca picks up the box of sparklers and follows me to the foyer.
I slip on my boots while Luca zips up his hoodie then we head outside to the driveway.
“Where’s your mom, dad, and Bria?” I ask, glancing at his empty yard next door.
“Who knows? Maybe they took off to the park for a while, like Bria wanted to,” he answers, kicking the tip of his sneaker against the concrete.
“She’s a lively one,” I remark, buttoning up my leather jacket.
He sighs, lifting his gaze to mine, seeming uneasy. “She’s been running around, jumping on everything since she got here the other night. I think she might be starved for attention or something.”
“It’s good that your mom decided to say she was her granddaughter, though, right?”
He nods, loosening up. “That was probably the best present I could get from her.”
“Speaking of presents. What’s up with your mom giving Loki a tie? And when did they get so close? I don’t get it. They act like they’ve been hanging out or something.”
“Maybe they have.” He fiddles with his zipper, dragging it up and down.
“You know something, don’t you?” When he refuses to meet my gaze, I inch to the side and step in his line of vision, forcing him to look at me.
He sighs. “I can’t tell you.”
I put my hands on my hips. “Why not?”
“Because I promised I wouldn’t.”
I should just back off, let it go, but with all the secrecy, I’m getting worried. Just like on my birthday with my mom, I can tell something’s up, but unlike my birthday, I’m not going to look the other way.
Stepping closer to him, I place my hands on Luca’s shoulders. “Please tell me. I need to know; otherwise, it’s gonna drive me crazy.”
“I don’t know if I should.” He stares at my lips, and his fingers shake as his palms mold around my waist.
“Please.” I jut out my lip, using a move Cece used to do all the time when she wanted to get her way. I honestly don’t expect it to work—I’ve never been all suave and perfect like Cece—but Luca seems fixated with my mouth, and slowly, he caves.
“She’s been helping him make sure he has everything in order for Family Services,” he says quietly. “I guess they’ve been keeping an eye on you guys, and with all the . . .” he winces, “stuff going on, they’re questioning if he can handle the responsibility. Since my mom’s gone through some similar stuff with Rowan, she’s been helping him out. Although, your brother’s a hell of a lot more responsible than my sister.”
My scars blaze as guilt eats me from the inside out. “This is all my fault.” I move back, my hands falling to my sides. “God, everything’s so screwed up.” I slump against the side of the garage, staring at the tire tracks permanently stained on the pavement from the time I braked too hard when my father first taught me to drive. “I wish I could go back . . . and make different choices.”
“But you can’t.” Luca offers me a sad smile. “You can change what you do from now on, though.”
I shut my eyes as the cold breeze stings my cheeks. “You say that like it’s easy.”
“It’s not, and some people are never able to do it, even when they try . . . like my sister.” He pauses, and when I open my eyes, he’s standing closer than I anticipated. “Some people do, though. And you don’t have to do it alone . . . you have a ton of people who can help you. Loki, Zhara, even my mom would be more than happy to help you.” He presses his lips together with a pucker at his brow as he as he cups my cheek, smoothing his thumb across my skin before pulling away. “And yeah, I kind of want to help, too.”
I swallow hard, pressing my hands to the garage as my legs turn into noodles. “It seems crazy, wanting to help someone when you don’t even know them . . . Your life would be easier if you didn’t.”
“My life’s never been easy, but do you know what’s really easy?” he asks, and I shake my head. With a hint of a smile on his face, he reaches out, and I think he’s going to grab me, but instead he taps the box of sparklers I’m holding. “Lighting sparklers.”
I frown warily at the box. “That’s actually harder than it seems.”
Suddenly the wind gusts dead leaves across grass, and the cloudy sky grumbles, warning us of an impending storm. Clasping the lighter in one hand, I open the box and wiggle two sparklers out.
Can I do this?
I give one to Luca then fumble to light the lighter.
Am I really going to do this?
Blame it on my nerves, but I can’t get the damn thing to work.
Maybe I shouldn’t do this?
Finally, Luca pries my fingers off it, flicks the top, and creates a steady flame. He lights his first then sticks it out in front of him as silvery sparks shoot out like a magic wand.
“Put yours up to mine,” he instructs, stuffing the lighter into his back pocket.
With a deep breath, I kiss the tip of his sparkler with mine. Oh, my God, I’m really doing this. They hiss as the flames aglow.
I move the sparkler in a circle in front of me. “Wow.” I forgot how magical a simple firework could be, and for a moment, I see the world through my old eyes, lit up like fireflies that I swear I could catch if I just stuck out my hand.
For the next few minutes, Luca and I play around in the driveway, going through sparkler after sparkler, giggling like a couple of kids as we clumsily skip around. When it comes down to the last one, he lights it up and hands it to me.
As the sparkler reaches the halfway point, Luca moves up behind me and circles his arms around my waist, covering my hand with his so we’re both holding onto it. His breath tickles my ear as he laughs and traces letters in the air. My hand moves with his, but I can barely focus on what he’s writing. I’m too distracted by his chest pressed against my back, his warm fingers covering mine, how very alive I feel in that moment, and how terrified I am.
“Luca, I think . . .” I trail off as he stretches our arms out to the side and fixes his finger under my chin. Turning my head toward him, his eyes search mine, then slowly, he leans in.
When our lips brush, the sparkler crackles, but I hardly hear it as the beat of my racing heart fills my ears. He tastes like frosting, and his lips feel so good against mine that it’s mind-blowing because I can feel it. Feel everything. The softness of his mouth. The little breaths he keeps taking. The warmth of his fingers against my cheek. This kiss is so different from kissing Miller. Less numbing, more devouring, consuming, more of a connection, more feel-and-breathe-the-moment.
I turn around, press my chest against his, and fall into the kiss. Still holding the burning sparkler out to the side of us, he slides his tongue into my mouth, backing us up. I grasp onto him, letting him slowly guide me backwards until my back brushes against the side of the house.
Pressing his chest and hips against mine, he deepens the kiss, his tongue softly tangling with mine. It’s everything I’ve always wanted in a kiss. Everything I thought I couldn’t have and still don’t know if I deserve. I don’t know what I’m doing. Don’t know what I’m going to do when it ends. But right now, I don’t care. That control I always felt with Miller doesn’t exist with Luca. There’s no control at all, over my emotions, over my mouth, over anything.
I kiss him back, biting his bottom lip, and he groans in response. His free hand cups the side of my neck, and he murmurs my name as his lips trace a path down my jawline to my neck. When he sucks on my skin, I tip my head back and stare up at the clouds right as a raindrop splatters across my forehead.
I shut my eyes. I’m not going to let the rain ruin this. Putting a sliver of space between us, I cup his face and move his lips back to mine. We kiss as the clouds rain down on us. Kiss until I can’t breathe. Kiss until the sparkler hisses, shooting it’s final spark, which ends up landing right on the back of my hand.
I jerk, gasping for air as my flesh burns.
“What’s wrong?” Luca asks, breathing raggedly, an arm on either side of me.
“It’s nothing. I just.” A blister is already forming on my hand. The storm kicks up. Rain drizzles over me—reality crashes over me. How perfect this kiss really was and how this is what I wanted my first kiss to be; how I wish my mom were here, so I could tell her about it. How much I really, really enjoyed the kiss. How much I’m really here, in this moment, feeling everything. All of it. The good. The bad. Everything. “I-I’m sorry,” I sputter, then hurry for the house, running away from what I’m feeling like I always do.
But like with my leg, I’ve done too much too fast, and now every part of me aches.
By the time I stumble into my bedroom, I’m sobbing so hard I can’t get any oxygen into my lungs. I collapse to the floor, crawling to my bed. But I have no energy left inside me and I end up curled up in a ball, crying on the floor.
“Anna,” Zhara says as she cracks open the door.
I roll toward my bed to hide the tears in my eyes.
“Is everything okay?” she asks tentatively.
I shake my head, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Oh, Anna.” She lies down on the floor and wraps her arms around me.
My shield ruptures and everything trapped inside me bleeds out.
“I miss Mom,” I whisper through my sobs. I miss the mom I grew up knowing. The one who took care of me. The kind, caring person I once wanted to be like. I miss the mom I wasn’t ever so angry with. The mom that would have held me, hugged me, told me she loved me. The mom I loved.
“Me too,” she says, hugging me tightly.
I sob uncontrollably again, my body trembling.
“It’s okay,” Zhara says. “Just let it all out.”
I do exactly what she says and let it all out because in the end, it’s either shut down and rot away more.
Or just let go.
Just let go, Anna.
Chapter Fifteen
Learning to Walk Again
I spend the next few days staying away from the guy next door. Not because I’m blowing off Luca. I just haven’t figured out what to say to him. Over the next few days, he texts me a few times and tries to call once, but on New Year’s Day I don’t hear a peep from him.
For most of the morning, I lounge around on the couch with Zhara, streaming movies, comedies per her request. Today, Easton gave me a break from physical therapy, and I’m glad just to spend time sitting on my ass because my leg hurts, maybe even more than it did pre-therapy. Then again, I’m completely, one-hundred percent sober, which means all of my senses, my mind, my body, feels and sees everything crystal clear. Too clear sometimes, especially when it comes to all of the horrible stuff I’ve done, like getting arrested, getting drunk, refusing to show any sympathy to my brothers and sisters who’ve been going through the same stuff I have.
“So . . . What’s up with you and Luca,” Zhara says unexpectedly as the credits roll across the screen.
“Nothing. Why are you askin’?” During my meltdown on my bedroom floor, I accidentally let it slip out that I was crying over kissing Luca. I learned that Overly Emotional Annabella sucks at keeping her lips zipped.
“No reason.” She sits up and tucks her feet under her butt. “I just haven’t really seen him since Christmas.”
“But it’s not like we hung out that much before Christmas,” I say, bending my knee underneath me.
“Oh, Anna.” She gives me a look as if I’m the younger sister who’s dense about guys. “Really?”
“Don’t ‘oh, Anna, really’ me,” I slip out the elastic in my hair and comb my fingers through the strands. “I think, at least for now, maybe Luca and I should just be frien
ds.”
She flicks a popcorn kernel off her lap. “Have you told him that?”
I shake my head. “But I will.”
“Promise?” she asks, shoving the sleeves of her pink thermal shirt up. “Because he seems like a really nice guy who likes you a lot and cares about you. I know you’re not used to that.”
“I know.” I lightly rub my hand over my thigh where the elevated scars are hidden below my plain pajama bottoms. “And, Zhara, I’m not dating Miller anymore. I never really was.”