“I just can’t believe it. I hate myself, I hate this—”
“I know how you feel, but we have to keep it together.” Jake squeezed his shoulder. “This is the time to stay calm. Let me handle everything. I know what’s best for you, I really do. I love you.”
“You said that I could get ten years in jail if they charge me as an adult, but what if they don’t?” Ryan began to calm down and met his gaze evenly. His bloodshot eyes were still wet, but he was no longer on the verge of tears. “What if they decide I’m a kid, a juvenile? I went online and did the research—”
“You can’t find an answer like that online.” Jake didn’t add that he’d tried.
“But I found these websites for lawyers, and if I go in the juvenile system, it looks like a lot less time—”
“No website can tell you whether you’ll be tried as an adult. Considering who your mother is, they might want to make an example of you.”
“But you don’t know that, you can’t tell that for sure. What if we went to a lawyer?”
“No, we need to keep it to ourselves—”
“We could go to a lawyer together and tell him what happened, and see what he said.” Ryan seemed to recover, sitting up straighter, his voice strengthening. “Maybe there’s a way we can still make it come out right. We could go to the police and make them understand.”
“No.” Jake stiffened. “There’s no way.”
“But if we could get, like, an expert opinion—”
“I know what I’m doing, son.”
Ryan blinked, and Jake knew he was remembering the year that his dear old dad got laid off, rejected for every job he applied to, dressed up for interviews that got canceled. Pam and Ryan had seen him every morning, leaving the house for his rented cubicle, wearing a tie and jacket like a costume. It had been the year that his family had learned Dad wasn’t infallible. Jake felt as if he could never live it down, but he had to try.
“Ryan, I do know what I’m doing. You have to believe me.”
“But the lawyer on one of the sites said that anything clients tell him is confidential. Is that right, that he can’t tell anybody?”
“Yes.”
“So then why can’t we go?”
“How are we going to go see a lawyer together? What do we tell your mother?”
“She doesn’t have to know. She has that dinner tonight, remember, for whatever? She has to go, she’s supposed to give a speech.”
Jake had forgotten that, too. He was so preoccupied with Kathleen and Ryan.
“Dad, what if she goes to the dinner, and you say you have to stay home with me because I’m sick, then you and me can go to a lawyer?”
“No, I don’t want to do that.” Jake’s every instinct told him to contain the information. Any lie he told, like the one about the hamburger, not only led to other lies, but greater exposure. “I’m not even sure you should go with me if I see a lawyer. Then we can’t tell him that I was driving.”
“Why not?”
“Because if we tell him that I was driving and it’s not the truth, he can’t represent to the court that it is.”
“How do you know that? You’re not a lawyer.”
“I know a few things, Ryan.”
“That makes no sense.” Ryan frowned in confusion. “You mean it’s okay if he keeps it secret that we committed a crime, but it’s not okay if he keeps the details secret, like who was driving?”
“Yes.” Jake realized it didn’t make sense, either. “Look, I admit, I don’t know the niceties, but I don’t like the idea and I doubt that we could get a lawyer that quick anyway.”
“What if I already got us one?”
“What?” Jake asked, dismayed. He could see Ryan’s life exploding, flying into a million pieces, right before his eyes. “What did you do?”
“Don’t be mad—”
“I’m not mad, I’m scared, for you! What did you do?” Jake tried not to raise his voice. Panic gripped his heart. “Ryan, this is a secret. Once it’s out, it’s out, and you can’t put it back.”
“Don’t worry—”
“Ryan, did you call? Did you use your cell phone?”
“No, I sent an email, but I made up a second new Gmail account under a fake name, John Kane. I didn’t use my own name. It’s safe.”
“Ryan, they can still find out it’s from your computer, if they trace that. You know every computer has its own ISP address.”
“The lawyer’s not going to look it up, and nobody else is either. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but I want to.”
“Wait, hold on.” Jake had to slow him down. “Tell me what you did. What did you tell him?”
“Nothing. All I said was that I needed to talk to an expert.”
“You didn’t tell any of your friends, did you?”
“No.”
“You swear?” Jake’s fears started to run away with him. “You didn’t tell anybody on the team, or this girl you’re supposed to go out with?”
“No, Dad, I swear, I didn’t, I only emailed the lawyer and he emailed back.”
“What were you thinking?” Jake reached for Ryan’s arm. “Don’t you realize how serious this is? You can’t tell anybody what happened! You can’t play games with this!”
“I’m not playing games. I want to see if there’s another way—”
“You can lose your whole life over this, Ryan. I’m not going to let that happen, and we’re not going to see any lawyer.”
Ryan pursed his lips. “Dad, I want to see a lawyer. All I did was write an email.”
“Show it to me.”
“Here.” Ryan grabbed his laptop, hit a button, and swiveled it around, and Jake read the lawyer’s response, which came up first:
Dear Mr. Kane, I am available for a confidential consultation entirely free of charge, anytime this evening starting at seven o’clock. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, Morris
Jake read down to see Ryan’s email. He felt himself losing control of the situation, which terrified him.
Dear Sir, I have a confidential question about a DUI law. Are you available tonight? Sincerely, John Kane
Jake looked up, stricken. “Who is this lawyer? Where is his office?”
“Westtown, but he could meet us wherever we wanted. It doesn’t have to be his office. I bet it could even be in a car.”
“Ryan, this guy can put two and two together. If he gets an email like that and he’s in Westtown, he’ll know there was a hit-and-run sometime last night, and that you’re probably—”
“Dad, don’t be mad, please, don’t be mad.” Ryan’s brow furrowed deeply under his messy hair. “I’m just trying to do the right thing.”
“I’m not mad at you, I’m worried for you. Worried sick.”
“But I would feel better if I knew it was the only thing left to do, like, we really tried to see if we could do the right thing, but we just couldn’t, in the end.” Ryan’s voice turned pleading, his eyebrows sloping down plaintively. “I’m just trying to deal with it, and if the lawyer says this is the right thing, the only way, then I think I would feel better.”
“You’re being naïve, son. You don’t know how bad this can get, and I’ll be damned if I’ll put your life into the hands of some second-rate DUI lawyer.”
“He went to Yale.”
“He’s a stranger. He doesn’t know you or care about you, or love you like I do.” Jake had to get Ryan in control. “We already decided. There’s no going back. What’s done is done. It’s done.”
“Can’t we just go, to make sure? For me?”
Suddenly, there was a commotion in the hallway, and Moose burst through the door, bounded into the room, and jumped on the bed, landing in the middle of Ryan’s worksheets and knocking into the laptop.
“No, buddy!” Jake faked a laugh, grabbing the dog by the collar.
“Whoa, Moosie!” Ryan moved the laptop out of harm’s way and closed the lawyer email.
“What a
re you two up to?” Pam entered the room, puzzled. “Jake, I called you twice. Your eggs are ready.”
“Sorry, babe. We’ve been solving a mystery. You were right. He had the cheese nachos.”
“I knew it!” Pam smiled in triumph, then looked at Ryan. “Honey, nachos in a movie theater? Really?”
“Sorry, Mom,” Ryan said, with a sigh.
Chapter Ten
Jake climbed into the passenger seat next to Pam, for the trip to pick up the rental car. He’d changed his clothes and eaten, only so Pam wouldn’t get suspicious. It had taken everything in him to swallow each bite, because he’d felt so terrible, thinking about Kathleen. His gaze strayed to the metal shelves along the garage wall and the white jugs of Roundup weed killer that hid the nondescript brown bag with his parka, covered with Kathleen’s blood. The lifeblood of a young girl was on his hands.
“You and Ryan looked like you were having quite the bonding session.” Pam set her purse on the console, disengaged the emergency brake, and twisted the key in the ignition.
“We were just talking.” Jake tore his gaze away from the hidden parka, for fear of tipping off his wife. He tried to put on a calm expression but he couldn’t. He’d known Ryan would be devastated when he heard about Kathleen, but he hadn’t foreseen that his son would start contacting random DUI lawyers. Jake hated leaving him alone, not knowing what his son would do next.
“What were you guys talking about?” Pam glanced behind her before she put the car into reverse. She drove a black Mercedes SUV, which had a camera in the dashboard that showed a full view behind the car, but she never trusted it. She wasn’t the kind of woman who delegated the important things in life. She wouldn’t have made any of the decisions he’d made. She never would have let Ryan drive. She never would have left the scene. She believed in the law, in what was right and moral. So did Jake, but that was Before. Now, in the After, he was a hypocrite. He turned to the window, instinctively hiding his face, ashamed of himself.
“Jake?” Pam asked. “Did you hear me?”
“I’m sorry.” Jake had let his thoughts get away from him. “We talked about how he was feeling, like that.”
“He seems kind of upset, don’t you think?”
“Throwing up will do that to you.”
“But it’s more than that.” Pam frowned as she put the car in forward gear and gave it some gas. She steered down the street, flipping down her visor against the glare of the cloudy sky. “It could be the playoffs, you know. There’s a lot of pressure on him. His job is to make a three, and he knows that Coach Marsh and Dr. Dave count on him.”
“I think I know what’s on his mind, and it’s not the playoffs.” Jake suppressed a twinge of annoyance. Coach Marsh ran the basketball program at school, and Dr. Dave Tolliver was Ryan’s shooting coach, a parent volunteer on the team whose son had graduated a while ago. Jake felt that both men had too much influence over Ryan’s life, or maybe he was just jealous that they saw him so much.
“What do you think it is?” Pam glanced over, her blue eyes frank. They drove through their development, where neighbors were unpacking groceries, heavy bags of salt, and new Backsaver snow shovels from their SUVs, their hatchbacks open like so many gaping maws.
“I think it’s about that girl. This is only a guess, but I think he was supposed to go out with her tonight. He was just starting to tell me when you came in, this morning.”
“Damn!” Pam hit the steering wheel with her palm. “I wonder who she is.”
“I’m not sure, but I think he asked her out on a date.”
“My God, that would be his first real date! Our baby’s growing up.” Pam puckered her lower lip, mock comically, but Jake knew she wasn’t kidding. He’d inadvertently stumbled onto a good way to change the subject.
“We’re going to have to cut the cord sometime.”
“I know, I know.” Pam let her voice trail off. “I don’t know what I’m going to do when he goes to college.”
“What am I, chopped liver?” Jake managed a smile.
“You know it’s nothing against you, right? It’s just that as a mother, it’s hard to let him go.”
“I understand,” Jake said, meaning it.
“Cheryl and Jamie say the same thing, we all do. If you have a great kid, it’s hard to let them go. The world is a dangerous, dangerous place. Anything can happen.”
“I know.” Jake was thinking of Kathleen, with a new wave of guilt. He turned toward the window, again.
“I mean, it’s not easy being an empty-nester. Jamie’s already on antidepressants. It’s just sad. It’s a loss. I know you feel the same way, honey.”
“I do.” Jake knew she said it out of a sense of parity. “Anyway, as far as this alleged date goes, I got the impression that something about it bummed him out.”
“What?”
“Two possibilities. Either he asked her out and she said no, or she said yes, but now he can’t go because he’s sick.”
“Oh no.” Pam’s shoulders fell. “That sucks. I hope she didn’t reject him, but either way, he can’t go out tonight.”
“Agree.”
Pam shook her head. “What a shame.”
“The course of true love never did run smooth.”
“Was he studying when you went up there?”
“I think he was trying to, but cut him a break, he’s sick.”
“That reminds me.” Pam looked over, suddenly businesslike. “You know we have that Eldercare Services dinner tonight, that benefit? I have to go. I can’t get out of it, they’re giving me some kind of award. Can you stay home with him?”
Jake hesitated, for show. “Sure.”
“I think you should. If he keeps throwing up, he’s going to get dehydrated, and I think we need to keep an eye on him.”
“Fine, right. What time do you think you’ll be home?”
“Late. I speak after dinner, and that’s when they present the award, so I’ll be there ’til the bitter end. Probably be home around midnight. Call me if he takes a bad turn, so will you?”
“Of course. Hopefully, he can get some sleep. I wouldn’t mind taking it easy tonight, myself. I started the day off with a bang, after all.”
Pam looked over. “So you have a good excuse for missing the rubber chicken.”
“I don’t mind the rubber chicken. It’s the weird black rice I hate.”
“That’s wild rice, and it’s classy.”
“Rice gone wild?”
Pam smiled. “Exactly.”
“Yuck. I like my girls wild and my rice tame. Is that so much to ask?”
Pam laughed, and Jake felt his heart lift. She had a great laugh, and he loved to make her laugh. He loved her, and he would lose her if she knew what he had done to Kathleen, and their son.
“So fill me in on the schedule,” Jake said, because he had some planning to do. “What time do you have to leave for your gig?”
“It’s at the Wyndham downtown, but there’s a VIP reception before the dinner, so I have to be there by five.” Pam glanced at the dashboard clock, which read 11:15. “I have to leave the house by three thirty, just to be sure. What are you going to do today?”
Jake had to think of a lie, because the truth was appalling. “Work.”
“You’re not going into the office, I hope?”
“No.”
“You’re not feeling too good, are you?” Pam patted his leg, and though Jake felt the softness of her touch, it gave him no comfort. He turned back to the window. After putting on a false front for the Wawa employees, the cop, and Ryan, he was running out of energy to put one on for Pam. He couldn’t wait to be alone, apart from her and anybody else, so he didn’t have to pretend anything anymore, so he could let the grief and guilt come.
“I’m just tired, is all,” Jake told her.
“Could you be having a delayed reaction to the crash?”
“No, really.”
“Should we go to the emergency room?”
“
No, no.” Jake eased his head onto the headrest and closed his eyes.
“Did you get whiplash or anything like that?”
“Honestly, no.” Jake turned to her, trying to smile. “What kind of idiot has a car accident when there’s nobody around to sue?”
“An honest one,” Pam answered, smiling back at him, with love.
Chapter Eleven
Jake went about his task with grim purpose and he didn’t have much time. Ryan was sleeping in his bedroom, and Pam had just left for her benefit dinner, made up, perfumed, and sparkly in a slim black dress with sequins at the neckline. She’d come to his office to say good-bye, her face alive with excitement and a black lace shawl over her arm, which matched her lacy black high heels. Jake knew his wife well enough to guess that she had coordinated even that subtle touch.
Pretty damn sexy for a member of the judiciary, he had told her, kissing her on the cheek.
Don’t be silly, she had said, but he knew she was pleased when she kissed him on the lips, then hurried off.
Jake had made sure Pam was gone, when he’d locked the dog in the house, hurried out to the garage, and started looking for bits of plywood. He’d muddled his way through his share of home projects and had plenty of random lumber around, for when the table leg needed shimming or the window air conditioners had to be braced on the windowsill.
He collected a few pieces of wood, then rooted through the storage shelves and found some old soiled towels and rags. He grabbed some to-be-recycled newspapers, his bloody jeans, and the brown bag that held the bloody parka, then hustled out of the garage, glancing around to see if any of his neighbors were watching. Only his neighbor across the street, Sherry Kelly, was out, but she was already walking up her front walk, her back to him, so the coast was clear. Even so, Jake was about to do what plenty of suburban daddies did on a Saturday, which was burn some trash in a burn pile. Technically, he needed a permit, but the law was honored only in the breach.
He went down the side of the property, then let himself past their gate and into their yard, screened from view by their privacy fence. It was six feet tall, and it enclosed their backyard on the east and west sides, but left it open in back to the woods that surrounded the development. They owned a two-acre parcel, and neither he nor Pam had seen any reason to cut themselves off from the forest, a decision that would work to his benefit right now.