She made a face and I sighed. “It’s going to send out sound waves that will bounce off your ovaries and give me a picture. Just try to relax. I won’t be looking at you; I’ll be watching the screen.”
“Do you know how to read that thing?”
“I’m a quick learner.” Honestly, people attended classes and schooling to become experts at reading these things. I had no idea if I’d be able to decipher it.
She lay back and exhaled loudly. I stared at the screen. Fuzzy images began to show. After five minutes of squinting at squiggly lines I was feeling frustrated with myself. So much for being a quick learner.
Voices in the hall distracted me, then a light knock. I got up and opened the door a crack.
“Are you using the probe?” Captain Ward asked.
I nodded. “It’s hard to read.”
“I actually borrowed one from the clinic during my wife’s two pregnancies,” he said sheepishly. “I know how to read it if you’d like.”
“Yes!” I pulled him into the room and shut the door. He came right over and sat in the stool by Remy’s knee, taking the monitor.
Within seconds he said, “It’s not in far enough. Do you mind? I’ll be gentle.”
“Okay,” Remy whispered.
He reached under the towel and Remy stared up at the ceiling. I stood beside her and took her hand.
One minute later the dentist went very still as he stared down. He looked up first to me, his eyebrows scrunched, then his eyes slid to Remy. We squeezed hands.
“Your ovaries are . . . not what they should be. They appear to have aged and shrunk. I’m sorry, Miss Haines. There are no eggs left.”
It’s good that we had the rest of the day off. I opted not to have an ultrasound done on myself. I already knew the results would be the same. I nearly laughed at the irony of the birth control shot I’d given myself days before. What a waste.
We told the guys we wanted to be alone, but they brought us lunch and dinner. I couldn’t let my gaze linger too long on Rylen’s pleading eyes. He so wanted to comfort me, but my heart was too flayed. If I cried, it would be ugly, and I might break shit. I couldn’t let loose what was inside me.
I kept thinking of the image of Remy’s ovaries on that screen, shriveled like raisins. Remy who would have been such a wonderful mom.
No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, an inferno built inside of me, a burning rage against the invaders of our planet. The destroyers. They had conquered us, and it all happened so quickly. We were too trusting in our nature, as humans, we let them take control despite our reservations. I had ignored my instincts.
Never again.
I couldn’t sleep that night. It was like fire ants ran beneath my skin. At two in the morning I slipped from bed and went down the hall and stairs, relishing the spooky quiet all around me. I made my way to the empty gym and stepped onto the treadmill. I started at a jog and lost track of time. My legs still itched, so I turned up the speed and raised the incline. I needed to burn that itch away. I panted for air, savoring every strain of my muscles, every bead of sweat that ran down my face and back. I wanted to run faster and farther.
But what I really wanted was music. I wanted headphones with heavy metal that would blast every last pitiful thought from my head as it all bombarded me. They killed your family. They’ve ruined your body. The thought of my reproductive system being slaughtered by them . . . it was a violation of the worst kind. I desperately needed to feel alive and in control, but something was missing that I’d never be able to retrieve. They’d taken it without a single thought or repercussion. I still remembered the lady’s face who’d given me the shot. The out-of-place questions she’d asked me and her blatant dismissal of my worth.
I was sprinting and panting so hard I could barely see the panel before me. With a shock, I realized my eyes had filled with tears. I punched the power button and jumped off, collapsing into a pile of gelatinous muscles, weeping inconsolably.
And before I could register the door opening, Rylen was crouching next to me, gathering me into his arms right there on the floor, his voice against my ear, “I’m here, Pepper.”
No, oh, God. I tried to pull away and hide my face. Through disgusting sobs, I asked, “What are you doing here?” I so didn’t want him seeing me like this.
“I heard your door and followed you,” he said, like duh. “I was worried.”
“Well, don’t be.” I slashed at my eyes with my sleeve. “Leave. Please.”
“Don’t push me away, Pepper. I’m not scared of your tears.”
Another coughing sob wrenched from my soul. “I’m so disgusting, just leave.”
I wasn’t even sure what I meant specifically. I felt disgusting in every way. On the outside I was sweating profusely on a gym floor and my face was drenched with tears, my nose runny. On the inside I was shriveled. Like an old woman. Not good enough for a virile, strong man.
“I’m not leaving you,” he said into my damp hair.
I sucked in a ragged breath. “I can’t give you babies.”
He gave an ironic laugh. “The last fucking thing I want in this entire world right now is a baby. That is never, ever going to be a problem for me, Pep. I swear. All I want is you. Just as you are.”
He held me tighter and I moved my arms around him, pressing my wet cheek into his shirt. When I’d finally cried all my tears, I became distinctly aware of just how soaked through I was with sweat.
“I’m fine. You should go.” I tried to pull away, but the stubborn bastard wouldn’t let me. “I mean it, Ry. I smell bad.”
He chuckled, then completely took me by surprise by laying me back on the floor mats and kissing me with a burst of passion that made me realize he couldn’t care less how I thought I smelled. He broke away from my mouth and kissed my cheeks, then my eyelids, whispering my name between each kiss. I wanted to cry all over again, overwhelmed by the tenderness of his attention.
I opened my legs and he nestled his hips between them as I wrapped a foot around his thigh, tugging him against me and finding him completely turned on. We stopped moving and stared into each other’s’ eyes. He brushed my long, wet bangs off my forehead.
“I’ll take you back to your room,” he said thickly.
But I shook my head. “No. You won’t.”
Rylen’s eyes stormed over. He looked around us at the small room and exercise equipment on gray mats.
“It’s fine,” I whispered. I took his face in my hands and raised my head to kiss him. At the brush of my lips he was focused again, his mouth moving over mine as our hips moved in sync, rubbing, driving us both to panting. I put a hand on his hard stomach and pushed until he raised himself enough for me to pull my damp T-shirt over my head.
“Pepper . . .” He glanced toward the door. “There’s no lock.”
“Then we’d better hurry.”
“But the floor’s—”
“Shh.” I put a hand over the large bulge in his running pants, and his eyes closed, his mouth opening in a shocked inhale. I let go of him and sat up on my knees to face him. His eyes dipped down to where I was pushing my yoga pants and undies south, over my hips, to my knees. I pulled them off, then tossed my bra on top.
I was completely naked in the public gym. A thrill of rebellion shivered through me, and I reached for Ry’s shirt, yanking it up over his head. His eyes were completely smoky now. Gone were the warnings and worries. His stomach flexed as my fingers grazed the line of elastic slung low on his waist. I leaned forward enough to press my breasts to his chest and take his mouth as I pushed his shorts down. Then I looked down.
Every ounce of pent-up passion I’d felt for Rylen over the last few days came rushing back at the sight of him naked, hard, for me. And so human. I took him in my hand and he crushed his mouth to mine, laying me back on the mat again.
He sat up on his knees between my legs and looked down at me. His gaze felt like a soft finger tantalizing every inch of skin it touched. My nip
ples peaked as he watched my chest rise and fall quickly. My stomach tightened while he took in my belly button. His hands landed on the tops of my thighs, hot and strong, his fingers digging in just enough to make me arch my back. I watched as he took himself in his hand and rubbed my nub with the hard, round head of his cock.
A moan tore from my throat. “Yes.” I bucked my hips but he grabbed my hip in his free hand to hold me steady.
He watched me as he rubbed himself slowly down my folds, both of us gasping when he came into contact with my wetness, around my waiting opening, and back up to the bundle of nerves that was throbbing wildly.
“Please,” I begged. “Oh, God.” I tried to reach for him, but he was too far away. I could only reach his knees, which I dug my nails into until he lowered himself to align with me. He waited until my eyes fluttered up and were watching his, and then he pressed his entire length slowly into me. With every inch I sucked in air until I was full. So full.
When our bodies met, his eyes closed and he brought his hands to the sides of my body, lowering his weight onto me. I arched my hips as far as I could and we stayed like that for a minute, pressed together, breathing hard, every inch of him inside of me. I swear I could feel him pulsating with self-restraint.
“Rylen . . .” He lowered his face to mine, his lips trembling against my cheek, and I whispered, “Don’t hold back.”
A guttural sort of growl rumbled through him and I felt his hips ease off mine a fraction, only to slam back down and grind into me. My head flew back. He did it again. My back slid against the mat, grains of dirt digging into my skin, but I barely felt it. Every time Rylen rammed his hips into mine, he rubbed against that bundle of nerves, grinding his body to mine as if he couldn’t get deep enough.
I tried to stay quiet, I really did, but I could feel those nerve endings building power each time our bodies met. His hips came down against mine over and over and over, faster and faster, until we had somehow moved up the entire length of the mat and my head was banging into the wall, but we didn’t care.
“Yes,” I breathed, clutching his back, reaching down for his ass, hitching my legs around him. “Yes.”
And then he did something fucking magical that made the breath stick in my lungs. Deep inside me, he stopped pulling out even an inch, and just started rocking his hips against mine. I moved mine circular while he pressed, pressed, pressed as hard as he could, and the explosion detonated inside of me, spreading out like wildfire.
Rylen crushed his mouth to mine, probably trying to quiet my uncharacteristic sounds, which were considerably louder than his own. I felt him ignite inside of me, and I wanted to cry at the rightness of it, shattering and breaking together. We stayed like that for a long while, the two of us catching our breath as one.
At the same time we both seemed to notice the intrusive wall that my head and neck were pressed against at an awkward angle.
“Um, whoops,” I said. A giggle escaped my throat, and the sound of it surprised me.
“Sorry about that,” he said, grasping my hips and scooting me down a few inches. He smiled down at me, and I wound my fingers in the back of his short hair, pulling his face to mine.
“I love you, Ry.”
“I love you too, Pepper.”
In the far distance we heard a door open and close, and our eyes flew wide. We jumped up, hissing at the sudden lack of contact, then ran around the room laughing as we yanked our clothes back on. Nobody came into the gym room. It was probably just someone heading to their shift, but we left anyhow. Rylen walked me back to my room. We kissed for a long time in the hallway until we both started to get worked up again. I was about to consider asking him to sneak to the grief room in the lobby with me so I could climb all over him, but he took the gentlemanly high road and showed me to my door. It was almost four in the morning, and as I went inside I got a whiff of myself.
I smelled so bad. I almost laughed again at the fact that Rylen was unfazed by it. I pressed my lips together as I grabbed a change of clothes and decided to get my daily shower right then. The warm water slid over me, a sensual reminder of Rylen’s hands and mouth. I sighed as I turned the water off, the five minutes ending far too quickly.
A small, unfamiliar smile graced my lips as I dried myself and got dressed. Today was a new day. And I could handle it.
I winced and sat up in bed.
“What’s wrong?” Remy sat up next to me, sounding groggy.
“My back.” It stung. I stood and went to the bathroom with Remy behind me. I turned and lifted my shirt enough to see red irritation and small scratches. Then it hit me and I breathed, “Oh.” I dropped my shirt.
“Oh, my gosh! Amber, what happened?”
I smiled and a small laugh slipped out. Remy looked at me like I’d lost my mind.
“It was . . . me and Rylen . . .” I pulled my hair over my shoulder and fussed with it. She continued to watch me and wait. “We were at the gym during the night, at like two in the morning, and we ended up . . . on the floor.”
Her eyes grew with a slow gradualness that made me giggle again.
“That—” She pointed at my back. “Is from the gym floor?”
“Yeah. Mat burn or something.” I shrugged and looked at the ends of my hair.
She grasped my shoulders. “You had sex on the gym floor?!”
Now I laughed outright. “Yeah?”
“And?” she asked, giving me a shake.
“And what?”
“How was it?”
I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth to fight the giddy loco I was feeling.
Remy fell back against the sink and threw her head back. “Uuuugh, I’m not even going to lie. I am so freaking jealous.”
“You know,” I said, crossing my arms, “I think Tater would treat you right if you let him. Someday. When you’re both ready.” I couldn’t believe I was saying it, but I believed it. Despite Tater’s claim not to want to marry someday.
She crossed her arms too, and gave a small shrug. “I would just ruin it. The way I’m feeling . . .”
“I don’t think so, Rem,” I whispered. “Things are different. I think your whole outlook on life has changed, and so has his. I don’t want you to be afraid to have a little happiness. Even if it’s with my brother.”
She nudged the bath mat with her toe. “We’ll see.”
I blushed the entire way through breakfast with Rylen at my side, unable to stop thinking about our time together, especially when he kept stealing serious glances that made me want to combust. I felt like the entire table could feel the heated tension between us. I know Remy could. She kept clearing her throat and taking sips of water, trying not to smile.
“You all right over there, Remy?” Matt asked from across the table.
She gave a high pitched laugh and said, “Yep!” Then she took another sip before shoving a last bite of blueberry muffin in her mouth with a forced smile. Matt chuckled and shook his head as Tater watched her curiously.
“Yeah, what’s going on?” J.D. asked. “Why’s everyone acting so weird?”
I gave a clueless shake of my head.
Texas Harry was back with us, in a sling like a good boy. He downed the last of his coffee before looking at Rylen. “Where’d you go at two in the morning, man? I heard doors closing and looked out to see your ass going down the stairs.”
My blushing cheeks inflamed.
“To the gym,” Rylen said, straight faced.
“The gym? For what?”
Rylen kept his cool. “What do people normally go to the gym for, Tex?”
“Release,” Mark said in a profound tone.
Remy coughed on her water, shoving back her chair to bend forward. Tater patted her back.
“She knows?” Rylen murmured to me.
“Yep,” I muttered back. He chuckled into his coffee.
“I just meant, you already went that afternoon,” Texas Harry said.
“Yeah,” Rylen told him. “Couldn’t sleep.”
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Tex shrugged with his good shoulder, like that was acceptable enough. Really, I knew he was asking because people in the compound were warned against overuse of the gym due to strict food rationing. They didn’t want anyone overdoing it when there weren’t enough calories to warrant it.
This convo needed to steer away from the gym. “How you feeling?” I asked Texas Harry.
He gave me a thumbs-up. “Just dandy.” Liar.
“Come see me later to have your bandage changed.”
He nodded.
We all stood to leave, and Rylen clutched my hip, pulling me closer and kissing me—a long, soft peck. To my humiliation, our entire table let out catcalls, howling.
“Oh, my God,” I said as Rylen chuckled.
Remy’s lips were pressed together in glee, and Tater had a bemused expression, mouth quirked to one side. “That’s just weird.”
“See you after work,” Ry said.
I walked away from them feeling a gushy sense of happiness I’d never experienced in my life. I couldn’t wait to get to the med room where I could smile all I wanted and not have to hide it. This kind of joy seemed out of place in the compound.
Keeping my eyes down, I nearly collided with someone at the entrance to the hallway. I looked up at Linette and stopped when she blocked my way.
“You’re welcome,” she said.
“For what?”
“For giving you the push you obviously needed.” She peered over my shoulder to where Rylen was disappearing into the forbidden door. I rolled my eyes and started to walk past until she said, “You should have heard how he talked about you when he was being questioned.”
I looked at her again, and she was serious. My heart expanded just a little.
“He didn’t quite know how to categorize you in his life, but it was clear he loved you. Still . . . if you didn’t make a move soon, I would have.” She smirked and walked away, to the forbidden door where she punched in a code. Freaking Linette.