I shook my head. “You need someone who can maintain distance, and I clearly haven't done that.” I took another step. “If there's anything you need from me, please speak to Miss Foxe about requesting it. I don't think it would be a good idea for us to spend any additional time together.”
I was impressed that I'd managed to get all that out without my voice shaking, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to last much longer. I didn't want to cry over him, but if I couldn't stop the tears, I'd at least let them loose in the privacy of my own home.
“Goodbye.”
As I walked away, I kept waiting for him to yell at me to come back, for him to grab my arm and stop me.
But he didn't do any of that, so I just kept going and tried not to admit that my heart was breaking.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Erik
The. Week. From. Hell.
Or maybe I was in hell.
That could explain a lot.
I'd hoped that Tanya's reaction to seeing me with Jai had just been an over-reaction, that she'd realize I didn't want her boss. Not as an editor, and not as a sexual partner. Tanya was the only person I wanted as both, and I waited for her to calm down and come to her senses.
But she hadn't.
Or maybe she had. Maybe she'd calmed down but still didn't want to see me.
I didn't get it. She said she believed in my book, that she wanted to represent it. She'd enjoyed having sex with me, if the number of orgasms she'd had were any indication. She was far too honest to have faked those. So why had her boss hitting on me made her decide that we shouldn't spend time together?
I could have asked Jai, since every time I'd gone into Branch Publishing, I'd spent at least an hour in her office, listening to her talk about all the ways she was going to make my book the next big thing. They were grand schemes, all the flashy sorts of things that attracted new authors to a publisher, and attracted people to books. I should've been thrilled, but something about it just didn't sit right with me.
I supposed it could have been because it was Jai and not Tanya who was pitching the ideas to me, but I hoped I wasn't that petty. Then again, was it really petty for me to want to be with the person I'd chosen? From the moment I met Tanya, I'd wanted her to represent my book, not Jai Foxe.
And that wasn't the only thing I wanted from Tanya.
In fact, as the week continued on and she continued to avoid me, I considered telling Jai that she could stay on my book if she'd just tell me how I could get in touch with Tanya. Well, how to do it without looking like I was chasing her.
Because I wasn't.
By the end of the week, though, I'd started telling myself that I was better off. I always made sure that there was a clear understanding with my partners that it wouldn't go beyond sex, but some women thought they could change me and didn't take it well when I didn't pursue them. Tanya ending things between us meant I didn't have to worry about that. Sure, it stung that she'd been the one to walk away, but I would've done it soon anyway. The most time I'd ever spent with one woman was a couple weeks, and we'd been getting close to a month. It was time to move on.
And that's what I'd been doing.
Monday, I distracted myself by going into work and taking care of all the things I'd put off the week before. When I'd gotten home, I told myself that I was too tired to work on either of my books, and since I'd done so much the previous week, I didn't feel guilty.
But then on Tuesday, I spent half an hour staring at my computer screen before admitting that I had nothing to write. So I'd gone to work again.
Then did the same thing on Wednesday.
And yesterday.
And again today.
I hadn't written a single word since she left me. Not on Heat of the Sun, even though I had hundreds of notes of things I needed to fix. And not on the new story I'd been so passionate about. I knew the story was there, I could feel it. But it couldn't find its way from my brain to my fingers and out onto the screen.
I told myself that it was just a coincidence. That it had nothing to do with Tanya being gone. I'd written Heat of the Sun without her. I didn't need her to be able to write. And every time that little voice in the back of my head piped up to say that she'd made my writing better, I ignored it.
Like I was ignoring it now. I'd made it through the week, and now I was heading into Gilded Cage to meet Alix, Jace, and Reb. Even though we sometimes met at the club other times, we always came together the last Friday night of the month. I was grateful this was one such night. I told myself that the best way to clear my head would be to find a Sub and fuck her until I couldn't remember my own name, but drinking myself into oblivion was infinitely more appealing.
“Erik, glad you could make it.” Alix slapped me on my shoulder as I sat down next to him. “We weren't sure you'd show tonight.”
I gave him a sideways look as I flagged down a waiter. “Why wouldn't I?”
“You seemed a little preoccupied the last time we were here,” Reb said as he accepted another drink from the waiter.
I put in my order for a Springbank Scotch Whiskey, then turned back to my friends. “I wanted to get laid last time we were here. I thought that's why we came here instead of a regular bar or club.”
“Really?” Jace raised one of those perfect eyebrows of his, completely ignoring the looks women were throwing his way. “That's what happened last week?”
I glared at him. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”
Reb leaned back in his chair, a cocky expression on his face. “So you wouldn't mind me finding that hot piece of ass you–”
I grabbed the front of his shirt before he could finish. “Keep your hands off her.”
He grinned at me, but I could see the bitterness behind the smile. “Just wanted to get laid?”
“Fuck off,” I snapped as I let him go.
“Who is she?” Alix asked.
“Doesn't matter.” I shook my head and picked up my drink. I tossed it back in a single gulp and gestured for another. “I'm not here to talk about her. I just want to drink and forget about everything else.”
I could see the concern on my friends' faces, but they didn't ask anything else, and I didn't offer. I meant what I said. I just wanted to forget.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Tanya
For someone who'd always prided herself on making smart decisions, I'd seriously fucked up when I got involved with Erik. If I would've just left it alone, let Miss Foxe do her thing, I wouldn't have spent the last week hiding from him. And no matter how much I tried to tell myself that it hadn't really been hiding, I knew what it was.
Okay, so I wouldn't have had the amazing experiences with him that had opened up my world in a way I'd never imagined possible. But I wouldn't have spent the last week being utterly depressed either. I was starting to think it might've been a good trade.
As much of a pain in the ass as Miss Foxe could be, I would've been content at Branch. This was the job I'd always wanted, and I should've been happy with that. But no, I'd had to push my luck. So the fact that I'd spent more time this week in the break room, washing out everyone's mugs, than I had at my own desk was entirely my fault.
What made it even worse was that I missed him. I knew all I'd been to him had been a fun couple weeks, but that didn't stop me from thinking about what it was like to work with him. Remembering how his eyes had shone when he smiled. Hearing the echo of how he'd say my name.
Or how he called me sweetheart.
The part of me that had never believed that I deserved anything good, the part that spoke with Aunt Lolly's voice, telling me that no one would ever want me, couldn't stop wondering if he called Jai sweetheart too.
On Friday, when I saw him coming into the building, I hadn't been able to force myself to stay away. I'd still kept out of sight, waiting for him to come back out of Miss Foxe's office. Then, like the pathetic fool I was, I followed him as he came out. I wouldn’t talk to him, but I had to see him, had t
o see if he looked as miserable as I was.
He didn't.
He looked the same. Put together. Gorgeous. And completely oblivious to my wretched existence.
“Mr. Sanders!”
I backed into a nearby doorway as one of the interns came running up. She was a tiny thing, with the sort of big blonde curls that made her look like a doll. I thought her name was Lily or Millie or something like that.
“Yes?” He sounded polite but distant. Like he had something on his mind.
“Miss Foxe wanted to invite you out to drinks after work. She said it would be a perfect time to discuss promotional events for your book.” The girl said it all in a rush that made me think she'd memorized the words exactly.
“Let Miss Foxe know that I must decline her offer.”
A ray of hope shot through me...only to vanish at what he said next.
“I'll be out with my friends tonight, and it's a standing commitment so it would be rude of me to cancel.”
Out with his friends. I remembered his friends. And where I'd met them.
He was going back to Gilded Cage. Without me.
He'd moved on in less than a week. At least now I knew that I'd been right about how much I actually meant to him.
While he was out tonight, I planned on draining every last drop of alcohol I had in my apartment and possibly finishing off the giant bag of M&Ms I had stashed in the back of my kitchen cabinet. I'd been saving them for a PMS chocolate craving, but this seemed like an appropriate occasion as well.
Which was how, at nearly midnight, I found myself drunk enough to be sitting in the dark, squashing the hard little candies between my fingers, and reflecting on the mess I'd made.
“I knew better,” I confided to the room. “Get involved with anyone and squish.”
The thin shell cracked, and I stared at it for a moment before popping it into my mouth.
“Dad loves Mom. Mom leaves Dad.” I frowned as I downed the last of my wine. “Aunt Lolly gets left for a younger man.” I snorted a laugh. “Or maybe he just got tired of listening to her. I did.”
I dumped the last handful of candy onto my lap. I had a feeling I'd regret the chocolate and wine combination at some point, but at the moment, I was more interested in waxing philosophical about what a joke love was.
“I should have walked away,” I said with a sigh. “Erika Summers would've been nicer to me. Wouldn't have fucked me...over.” I frowned again. Erika Summers wasn't real. She was Erik Sanders. Billionaire. Asshole.
I really liked him.
Maybe more than liked him.
Tears welled up in my eyes, but I passed out before they could fall.
I didn't know if it was the throbbing in my head, or needing to pee, that woke me up, but the result was still the same, and it wasn't pretty. I stumbled to the bathroom, grateful for the first time that my apartment was so small. Moving was not my favorite thing at the moment, especially when it led to me kneeling in front of the toilet, regretting the previous night's indulgences.
I was feeling more human by the time I emerged, towel wrapped around me. My stomach was empty, my teeth brushed, and the headache had receded to the base of my skull. Since it was Saturday morning, I didn't need to worry about going into work, so I didn't bother dressing in anything more than my robe. When the memory of the last time I'd been wearing only my robe popped into my head, I pushed it away. I refused to think about him today. No more pity parties either. I'd sit down today and come up with a plan.
I liked plans. They gave me something specific to focus on, to do. They had a goal to reach and clearly outlined steps to get there. After Aunt Lolly had handed me over to the state, one of the few helpful case workers had told me that if I wanted to make something of myself, I'd need to figure out what I wanted, and what I'd need to get there. I'd taken her advice to heart, and until I made the choice to contact 'Erika,' I'd followed my plans exactly.
That was where things had gone wrong. I needed to get back on track and focus on doing things the smart way. No more shortcuts, no matter how tempting. I'd put in my time at Branch, do everything that was asked of me. I'd work my way up the ladder the right way.
I'd just sat down to start when my phone rang, the default tone making me wince. It was probably a sales call, but I grabbed it anyway, needing the ringing to stop. I could've sent it to voicemail, but my finger automatically swiped to accept before my befuddled brain could process a different response.
“Hello?”
“Tanya.”
I froze. I knew that voice, but it couldn't be him. It wasn't possible. The alcohol had muddled my thoughts enough that I was hearing things that weren't there.
“Tanya? Honey? Are you there?”
“Dad?” The word came out cracked.
“Yeah, it's me.” He sounded relieved, but a trace of tension was still there.
Understandable since I hadn't spoken to or seen him since he'd left me with Aunt Lolly. Anger and hurt warred with the part of me that was still that little girl who wanted her father. My hands were shaking as I closed my eyes and tried to find that place inside me that had kept me calm and sane since that moment.
“I'm so glad I found you,” he continued, the words coming out in a rush. “Lolita gave me your number.”
It took me a moment to realize he was talking about Aunt Lolly. She'd always hated her name, so I'd never used it. “You talked to Aunt Lolly?”
“Last night,” he said. “I had to work up the courage to call you.”
“Why did you call?” The question came out harsher than I intended, but not more than I'd meant. “After all these years, why now?”
Silence stretched out as I waited for him to answer, but I didn't break it. I still couldn't quite believe it.
“I never wanted you to get involved in this,” he said finally.
Something I'd heard as a child came back to me, and my stomach sank as I realized that he hadn't called because he missed me.
“Aunt Lolly said you'd been gambling, and that's why you left me with her.”
“She's right,” he admitted. “I couldn't stop, and I just kept getting deeper and deeper in it. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if something happened to you because of me.”
The laugh that escaped was full of all the bitterness that had accumulated over the years. “Something did happen to me because of you, Dad. Did you think Aunt Lolly was going to just take over, be the mother I don't remember? That she'd love me and I'd have a fairly normal childhood?”
“I...” He sighed. “It would've been worse if I'd kept you with me. Trust me.”
“Trust you? Are you fucking kidding me?” My nails dug into my palms. “You left me.”
“I didn't mean for any of this.” There was another long sigh. “Tanya, this wasn't what I wanted for you.”
I heard noises in the background, muffled voices, and what sounded like people moving.
“If it was just my life on the line here, I never would've called. I would've let them do what they want.”
I straightened at the undercurrent of fear I could hear in his words. “What's going on?”
“They know who you are.”
A chill went down my spine, and I pulled my robe tighter around me even though I knew the cold I felt had nothing to do with temperature.
“Who knows who I am?”
“I meant to come back for you. A year, at the most.” His voice was strained. “But then I lost big, and I had to make arrangements to work off my debt. But I still couldn't stop. For years, I always managed to break even. But a couple weeks ago, I got in over my head. I lost too much.”
I didn't want to hear this, but I didn't hang up. I was beyond furious with my father, but he was in serious trouble.
“They knew threatening me wouldn't do any good. I don't have anything to give them. But they found out about you. If I don't get them the money I owe them, they'll hurt you. I tried calling Lolita, but she said she couldn't help me.”
/> More like wouldn't, I knew. She'd probably brushed off the threats to me without thinking twice.
“You're the only one I could go to,” he continued. “I need you to get the money together, or they're going to hurt me...and then they're going to hurt you.”
I swallowed hard. “Dad, I don't have money. I can barely pay my bills.”
Someone said something I couldn't understand, then there was a thump, a pained sound, then a new voice on the line.
“Look, I don't give a fuck what you have or don't have. It's simple. Your dad owes me seventy thousand, and nothing he can do will work it off. So you either get it, or I'll be coming to collect your ass to work off his debt at twenty bucks a trick. Got it?”
I couldn't speak. What was I supposed to say to that? I didn't have that sort of money. I didn't know anyone who had access to that kind of money. But I sure as hell refused to just sit here and let some thugs come after me so they could pimp me out.
“I'll take your silence as agreement,” the man said. “Here's the address.” He rattled it off almost too fast for me to write it down, then added, “You have until midnight tonight.”
The call ended, leaving me staring at a blank screen.
What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Erik
I drank too much last night, and I'd known it then that I'd pay for it now. I'd had worse hangovers, but that didn't make this one any more pleasant. I woke a couple hours before noon and made myself the hangover remedy Alix taught me the first time he'd taken me out to get drunk when I was nineteen. We hadn't done it very often, but he'd always made sure we had the 'magic' ingredients, and when I moved back into the townhouse as an adult, I'd kept it up.
It didn't matter how many times I'd drank it, the shit still made me grimace. It did its job though. By the time I'd showered and dressed, the hangover was nearly gone, and I was looking at a weekend of nothing.