Ellen died when she was a very old fairy, and never before in the entire world had so many tears been shed. Yet Ellen’s spirit was still alive, for she often came back when people were asleep and made sure they had pleasant dreams, so that in their sleep they could still benefit from the advice of the extraordinary Ellen.
Friday, 12 May 1944
Riek
IT WAS QUARTER past four, and I was walking down a fairly quiet street and had just decided to go into the nearest bakery when two teenage girls, walking arm in arm and talking nineteen to the dozen, came out of a side street and started strolling along ahead of me.
From time to time everyone finds it interesting and refreshing to listen to the chatter of two teenage girls, not just because they laugh and giggle at the slightest thing, but also because their laughter is so infectious that everyone around them can’t help laughing too.
And so it went with me. As I walked behind the two girls, I listened to their conversation, which in this case revolved around the ten cents they had to spend on sweets. They debated excitedly about what they could buy for that amount of money, their mouths already watering at each tantalizing suggestion. When they reached the bakery, the two girls continued to discuss their choices outside the display window, and because I was behind them looking at the goodies too, I knew what they’d decided on even before they entered the shop.
It wasn’t busy, so the two girls were soon being served. They had chosen two good-sized tarts, which – miracle of miracles – they managed to take out of the shop uneaten. Then it was my turn, and half a minute later I saw the pair of them just up the street, talking loudly once again.
On the next corner was another bakery. A little girl was standing in front of the window, staring hungrily at the pastries. The two lucky owners of the tarts stopped beside the poor child to look at this display as well and quickly struck up a conversation with her. By the time I reached the corner, they had already been talking for a while, so I heard only the last part of the conversation.
‘Oh my, are you that hungry?’ one of the girls asked the child. ‘Would you like to have my tart?’ The child nodded.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Riek,’ the other girl exclaimed. ‘Eat it right away, like I did. If you give it to her, you won’t even get a taste!’
Riek didn’t answer, but looked hesitantly back and forth between the tart and the little girl. Then she suddenly handed the child the tart, saying kindly, ‘Please take it. I have tonight’s dinner to look forward to!’ And before the little girl by the window could even say thank you, the two teenagers had disappeared from view.
I also continued on my way, and as I went past the little girl, who was savouring her tart, she said to me, ‘Would you like a bite, miss? Somebody just gave it to me.’
I thanked her and walked on with a smile. Who do you think enjoyed it most: Riek, her girlfriend or the little girl?
I think Riek did!
Undated
Jo
JO STANDS BESIDE the open window in her bedroom and takes a deep breath of fresh air. She’s hot, and the air feels good on her tear-stained face.
She raises her eyes higher and higher until they finally come to rest on the moon and the stars.
‘Oh,’ she moans. ‘I can’t go on, I can’t even summon the energy to feel sad. Paul has left me, I’m all alone, perhaps for good, but I just can’t go on, I can’t do anything, I only know how desperate I feel.’ And while Jo keeps on gazing at nature, which is revealing itself in all its splendour tonight, she grows calm. While the wind whips through the trees outside the house, while the sky darkens and the stars take cover behind the big, thick clouds, looking like so many wads of blotting paper in the cloudy light and forming every imaginable shape, Jo suddenly feels that she’s not at all desperate, that she is indeed capable of doing something, that no one can take away her inner happiness, which is hers and hers alone. ‘No one,’ she whispers, without being aware of it. ‘Not even Paul.’
After standing at the window for an hour, Jo has recovered. She’s still sad, but no longer desperate. Everyone who takes a long and deep enough look into nature – and therefore into themselves – will be cured, just as Jo was, of all despair.
Undated
Cady’s Life
Cady’s Life
I have lots of ideas and am busy trying to put the bits and pieces together. To give me an overall view and because I don’t have any more lined paper, I’m writing everything down at the back of this diary.*
Chapter 1
WHEN CADY OPENED her eyes, the first thing she noticed was that everything around her was white. Her last clear memory was of someone shouting at her…a car…falling down…then everything went black. She now felt a stab of pain in her right leg and left arm, and though she didn’t realize it, she was moaning softly. A friendly face, looking out from under a white cap, promptly bent over her.
‘You poor thing, does it hurt a lot? Do you remember what happened to you?’ the nurse asked.
‘Oh, it’s nothing…’
The nurse smiled. Cady continued, though she had to make an effort to talk, ‘Yes…a car…I fell…then I don’t know!’
‘If you could just tell me your name, we’ll contact your parents so they can come and see you and stop worrying about you.’
Cady was visibly shaken. ‘But…but…eh…’ was all she managed to say.
‘Don’t worry. Your parents haven’t been waiting all that long. You’ve only been here for about an hour.’
Cady managed a weak smile, though it wasn’t easy.
‘My name is Caroline Dorothea van Altenhoven, or Cady for short, and I live at 261 Zuider Amstellaan.’
‘Are you anxious to see your parents?’
Cady merely nodded. She was so tired and everything hurt so much; one more sigh, and she had fallen asleep.
Nurse Ank, keeping watch beside the bed in the little white room, looked worriedly at the small, pale face lying so quietly on the pillow as if nothing were wrong. But something was very wrong. According to what she had heard from the doctor, the girl had been hit by a car that had come round the corner just as she was about to cross the street. She fell, but luckily the car had good brakes, so it didn’t completely run over her. According to the doctor, she had a compound fracture of the right leg, her left arm was badly hurt and her left foot had also been injured. Would this sweet child ever be able to walk again? Nurse Ank was very doubtful; the doctor had looked extremely grave. Fortunately, the child herself suspected nothing, and would be told as little of the truth as possible. Cady moaned in her sleep, startling Nurse Ank out of her reverie. Since there was nothing she could do to help the girl, she quickly stood up, pressed a button and handed the nurse who came in a piece of paper with the name and address of the van Altenhovens.
‘Try to find their number in the phone book, then gently inform them of their daughter’s condition. Ask them to come to the hospital as soon as possible. If you can’t find their phone number, send a boy round with a note!’
The door closed again without a sound. Sighing, Nurse Ank picked up her knitting from the bedside table. She was thinking such gloomy thoughts this afternoon. Why did this girl’s future affect her so much? Hadn’t she seen many people who had been crippled for life in accidents just like this one? Hadn’t she learned to switch off her feelings long ago? But it didn’t help. Her thoughts kept coming back to the same subject.
There was a gentle knock at the door. A nurse ushered in a woman of medium height, and an unusually tall and handsome man. Nurse Ank stood up – they had to be Cady’s parents. Mrs van Altenhoven was quite pale and looked at her daughter with fear in her eyes, but Cady was still sleeping peacefully and didn’t notice.
‘Oh, Nurse, tell me what happened. We waited and waited for her, but we never imagined there’d been an accident…no…no…’
‘You mustn’t worry too much, Mrs van Altenhoven. Your daughter has already regained consciousness.’ Nurse Ank t
hen told them what she knew of the case, and in trying not to make it sound too hopeless, she felt herself becoming more hopeful and happy again. Who knows, perhaps the child really would get better!
While the grown-ups were talking, Cady woke up, and when she saw that her parents were there, she suddenly felt a lot worse than when she and the nurse had been alone together. Now all kinds of thoughts came crowding into her head, horrible images that attacked her from all sides. She saw herself crippled for life…with only one arm…and other images too awful to think about.
Meanwhile, Mrs van Altenhoven had noticed that Cady was awake, and she went over to the bed. ‘Does it hurt? How are you feeling now? Would you like me to stay? Can I get you anything?’
There was no way Cady could answer all these questions. So she simply nodded and longed for the moment when all the fuss would be over.
‘Father!’ was all she managed to say.
Mr van Altenhoven sat down on the edge of the big iron bed and, without saying a word or asking a question, took his daughter’s one good hand in his.
‘Oh, thank you, thank you…’ And Cady said no more, for she had fallen asleep again.
Chapter 2
A WEEK HAD gone by since the accident. Cady’s mother came every morning and afternoon, but she wasn’t allowed to stay long since her constant nervous chatter wore Cady out, and the nurse who took care of her had noticed that Cady looked forward to her father’s visits much more than to her mother’s.
The nurse had almost no trouble at all with her little patient. Though Cady must have been in a great deal of pain, especially when she was being examined by the doctor, she never complained and was never unhappy.
She preferred to lie quietly and daydream while Nurse Ank sat beside the bed, knitting or reading. After the first few days, Cady no longer slept all the time. She liked to talk every now and then, and there was no one she liked to talk to better than Nurse Ank, who was always so calm and talked in such a gentle voice. Her gentleness was what appealed to Cady the most. Only now did Cady realize that she had never before received such motherly love and tenderness. Little by little, a sense of trust began to develop between the two, and the nurse began asking Cady questions about all kinds of things.
One morning, at the end of the first two weeks, when Cady had already confided so much to her, Nurse Ank cautiously asked about her mother. Cady had been expecting the question and it came as a relief to share her feelings for a change.
‘Why do you ask? Do you think I was unkind to Mother?’
‘No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that I get the feeling you treat your mother differently than you do your father, a bit cooler perhaps.’
‘That’s true. I can’t seem to feel any real affection for my mother, and it breaks my heart. Mother and I are very different. That wouldn’t be so bad, except that she shows so little understanding of the things I think are important and that mean a lot to me. Can you help me, Nurse Ank? Can you tell me how to change my attitude towards my mother so she won’t feel that I don’t love her as much as I do my father? Because I know that Mother loves me, her only child, very much!’
‘She means well. I think she just doesn’t know how to approach you. Perhaps she’s basically shy and insecure?’
‘Oh, no. That’s not it. She thinks she’s the perfect mother. She’d be astonished if someone told her she didn’t know how to approach me. She clearly thinks I’m the one to blame. Nurse Ank, you’re just the mother I’d like to have. I long so much for a real mother, yet the woman who is my mother will never be able to fulfil that role.
‘There isn’t a soul on earth who’s completely happy with what they have, though most people would say I have everything I need. I have a comfortable home, my parents get along well and I get everything I could ever wish for, but doesn’t a real, understanding mother play a big part in a girl’s life? Or maybe not just a girl’s life? How do I know what boys think and feel? I’ve never really got close to a boy. But they must have the same need for an understanding mother, though perhaps they express it differently!
‘It just occurred to me that what Mother lacks is tact. She talks so unfeelingly about the most sensitive subjects. She understands nothing of what’s going on inside me, and yet she’s always saying she’s so interested in adolescents. She doesn’t know the first thing about patience and gentleness. She may be a woman, but she’s not a real mother!’
‘Don’t be too hard on your mother, Cady. Perhaps she’s different because she’s been through a lot and now prefers to avoid anything that might be painful.’
‘I don’t know. What does a daughter like me know about the lives of her parents? Or about her mother’s life? Do they ever tell her anything? It’s precisely because I don’t understand Mother and she doesn’t understand me that we’ve never trusted and confided in each other.’
‘And your father, Cady?’
‘Father knows that Mother and I have different personalities. He understands both Mother and me. He’s a sweetheart, Nurse Ank, and he tries to make up for what I don’t get from Mother. It’s just that he’s afraid to talk about the subject and avoids any conversations that might lead to it. A man can do a lot, but he can never take the place of a mother!’
‘I wish I could tell you otherwise, Cady, but I can’t, because I know you’re right. It’s a shame you and your mother find yourselves in opposite corners instead of on the same side. Do you think things will ever get better, especially when you’re older?’
Cady shrugged almost imperceptibly. ‘I miss having a mother so badly. It would mean so much to me to have someone I could trust and confide in completely and who would do the same with me!’
‘Cady, I’m very fond of you and I wish I could give you what you’re asking for, but I don’t believe I could ever be what you expect me to be. I could tell you many things, including things about myself, but there can never be the kind of trust between us that exists between a mother and a daughter or between two girlfriends, because that kind of trust has to grow!’
At Nurse Ank’s words, Cady’s eyes filled with tears. When she came to the end, Cady held out her hand, since she wasn’t able to sit up yet, but Nurse Ank understood what it was she wanted to say.
‘Oh, Nurse Ank, it’s a terrible blow for me, but you’re right. I can give you my trust, but you can’t give me yours.’
Cady fell silent and Nurse Ank looked very grave. ‘Let’s not talk about it any more just now, my dear. Still, it’s good that you told me what you did about your mother.’ And, abruptly changing the subject, she added, ‘I almost forgot, I’ve got news for you. If you keep making such good progress, your friends will be allowed to come and visit you, one at a time, starting next week!’
You could see from Cady’s eyes that she was elated at the news. Not so much because she’d be able to see her friends again, but because it was the clearest proof she’d had so far that she was getting better.
Happy and relieved, she ate the bowl of porridge that was brought to her bed, then lay down for her afternoon nap.
Chapter 3
AND SO THE WEEKS went by rather monotonously for Cady. Many of her friends and acquaintances came to visit, but she was still alone for most of the day. Her condition had now improved so much that she was allowed to sit up and read. She had been given a lap-table, and her father had bought her a diary, so she now often sat up and jotted down her thoughts and feelings. Cady had never realized how pleasant and diverting this could be.
Nurse Ank, who now had other patients to attend to, kept up her practice of sitting and talking to Cady for half an hour every morning, after she had washed her and got her ready for breakfast.
Life in the hospital was monotonous indeed, very monotonous. The same routine day after day, everything on schedule, never a slip-up. Besides, it was so quiet, and since Cady’s arm and leg had stopped hurting, she could have used a little more excitement and activity. But in spite of everything, the time passed fairly quickly
. Cady was never bored, and people gave her all kinds of games that she could play by herself with her right hand. Nor did she neglect her schoolbooks, spending a certain amount of time on her homework every day. She had already been in the hospital for three months, but would soon be ready to leave. Her fractures hadn’t been as serious as had at first been assumed, and the doctors thought it would be better for her, now that she had made some improvement, to convalesce further in a sanatorium.
So the following week Mrs van Altenhoven packed Cady’s things, and Cady and her mother were driven for hours in an ambulance that brought them to the sanatorium. There her days were even lonelier. She had visitors once or twice a week, but no Nurse Ank, and again everything was new and unfamiliar. Her one ray of hope was that she was definitely on the mend.
Once she’d settled into the sanatorium and the bandages had been removed from her arm, she started learning how to walk all over again. It was terrible! Supported by two nurses, she inched her way forward barely able to put one foot in front of the other, and the ordeal had to be repeated every day. But the more she walked, the better it went, and her legs soon became used to moving again.
Then came the joyful day when she was feeling well enough and her walking had progressed to the point where she was allowed out in the park with a nurse on one side and a walking-stick on the other.
Chapter 4
WHEN THE WEATHER was nice, Cady and Nurse Truus, who always accompanied her, would sit down on a bench in the park and talk or read for a while, if they’d brought along a book. During the last few days, they’d also ventured out a few times into the adjoining wood, and since Cady enjoyed that much more, the nurse had no objections. Of course Cady did have to walk very slowly, and an unexpected movement often caused her pain, yet every day she longed once more for this half-hour out of doors, when she could imagine that she was well again.