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THE MAN WHO WANTED TO COME TO DINNER
by
Richard von Fuchs
Copyright 2013 by Richard von Fuchs
Cast:
Pat, overweight, 35
Susan, his wife, nervous, intense
Audrey, very West Coast mellow
Dave, easy going New Age enthusiast
Achmed, from Somalia, polite, but starving
The scene is in the living room of a split level house in Comox, British Columbia in 1980.
(Pat is watching TV. The set is at right angles to the audience, at the edge of the curtain. The audience cannot see the screen but only the side of the set. He is methodically eating Nachos one at a time. Susan enters.)
Susan: Pat! Lay off those Nachos!
Pat: What’s the matter?
Susan: Your gut is going to hang out like a hippo if you aren’t careful.
Pat: You are beautiful enough for both of us. (Susan glares at him) Besides, I’m hungry.
Susan: Hungry? Christ! I just washed the dinner dishes. What have you done since we ate to work up an appetite?
Pat: Did you ever think of working in an orphanage? I can see it now. (Falsetto voice) Please sir, (holds out cupped hands) May I have another bowl of gruel? (Gruff sergeant’s voice) Screw off kid! You ate yesterday!
Susan: Teach me master. I want to imitate your rapier wit so I can disembowel people without having to get off my ass. Are you setting yourself up as a model of loving kindness for me to follow?
Pat: All I want to do is eat a few Nachos and watch TV in peace. Why do you buy them if you don’t want me to eat them? Or are you going to have them bronzed like baby shoes and hang them from the car mirror?
Susan: There you go again. I can’t say anything without being verbally gang banged. Look let’s cut the crap. I don’t give a damn if you eat till you blow up!
Pat: Then why are you harping at me?
Susan: Because I’m unhappy about our sex life and I’m too twisted from my female socialization to be straight with you about it.
Pat: (Reluctantly looks away from the TV) What’s wrong with our sex life?
Susan: We don’t have a sex life! That’s what’s wrong with it!
Pat: Jesus Christ! You went from being a repressed Victoria to a man-hating feminist without missing a beat. Couldn’t you just stop for a minute at the sexual revolution and just enjoy it, without…
Susan: (starts to leave) You win again! I’m just a hysterical bimbo and I can never match wits with you. But (to audience) why do I have to?
Pat: Now Sue, don’t go away mad –
Susan: (plants herself in front of the TV screen) Just as long as I go away, right? I mean I know how much I mean to you so I won’t get in the way of all this cultural stimulation. (turns to screen) What is it, bowling or golf? Or does it matter? (exits).
Pat: (turns and calls after her) Susan! For God’s sake grow up!” (Pat stares at TV. Achmed enters from behind the TV seeming to come from the screen. Pat jumps in his chair) Who the hell are you?
Achmed: My name is Achmed. I come from Somalia.
Pat: For a minute I thought I had the best TV picture in town. But you are real, aren’t you?
Achmed: (walks in front of the TV screen, holds out his hands, speaks slowly) Yes, I am real.
Pat: Where did you say you are from.Eritrea?
Achmed: Somalia.
Pat: That’s in Africa isn’t it?
Achmed: Sir you are right again.
Pat: With that sun tan, I guess you wouldn’t be from around here. Oh, sorry, that was racist, wasn’t it?
Achmed (eyes the Nachos): May I share your food?
Pat: What? (grabs the bag of Nachos, realizes how foolish he looks, hesitates another moment, then grudgingly offers some to his visitor) yeah, sure, have some.
Achmed: You are very kind. (starts stuffing himself) Yes you are a kind man sir. (eats more) God will bless you.
Pat: (tries to take back his bag, half rising) Hey! Take it easy. I didn’t say take them all. I want some too, you know.
Achmed: I am very sorry sir. (keeps eating, running away with the bag) That was very rude of me (eats more) but you see…
Pat (rises and runs in pursuit): Hey, God damn it! Back off a minute!
Achmed (keeps running with the bag): But you see sir, I have not eaten for many days and I am very hungry.
Pat (Grabs it away and looks woefully at the almost empty bag): Christ! I guess so. You sure did a job on those Nachos. (Achmed grabs the bag and dumps the crumbs into his mouth.)
Son of a bitch! You make a wolverine look like a fussy eater!
Achmed: I’m very sorry sir. I forgot my manners.
Pat: I should say so!
Achmed: Please accept my apologies.
Pat (hesitates): Yeah, I guess so.
Achmed: But if you don’t mind my asking, sir, have you got anything else to eat?
Pat: No! I mean it’s not my job to feed you. How did you get in here anyway?
Achmed: That’s difficult to say. I thought I was going to be part of a television broadcast, that’s all.
Pat: You aren’t one of those boat people are you?
Achmed: Ah, no sir.
(Door bell rings)
Pat (to Achmed): Just a minute, (goes left toward door) I’ll be right there!
(Pat exits left. Achmed looks under the sofa pillows and under the furniture. Pat re-enters from stage left with friend Dave, catching Achmed bent over with his backside in the air sweeping his hand under the furniture looking for food.)
Dave: When did you get a professional cleaner? Say we are becoming yuppies, aren’t we?
Pat: No, that’s just a guy who is visiting from Africa.
(Achmed, embarrassed, stands to greet Dave.)
Dave (Offers his hand): Welcome to Canada. (They shake hands). What did you say your name was?
Achmed: Achmed Mohammed Mehahd. You may call me Achmed if you like.
Dave: Sure, that’s easier. Are you here to talk to us about meditation?
Achmed: No, well, yes, perhaps. Actually, I’m not really sure why I am here.
Pat (to Dave): He says he stepped out of the TV.
Dave: What? Oh year. You love to kid around. Is anyone else here yet?
Pat: No. Susan just took off in a huff, so that’s one less.
Dave: What did you do? Or should I mind my own business?
Pat: God, I don’t know. You know what she’s like.
Dave: Yeah
Pat: Only now it seems to be more and more that way.
Dave: What do you mean?
Pat: Always on my case. Beta consciousness, you might say.
Dave: Maybe it’s just that time of the month. Did you check the calendar?
Pat: No, but it seems it’s that time of the month all the time now.
(Doorbell rings again).
Pat: Somebody else is here. Scuze me (exits).
Achmed: Are you here for tea?
Dave: No thanks, I just ate.
Achmed: I mean will there be refreshments served here tonight?
Dave: Oh, I get it. Yeah. Pat usually has something to eat. (confidentially) Did you see that gut? He’s definitely oral. Loves his munchies.
Achmed: That is good news indeed
(Audrey enters with Pat following)
Audrey: Hi Dave and (to Achmed) who’s this? (Audrey extends a hand, but Achmed cannot touch her and bows instead.)
Achmed: My name is Achmed Mohammed Mehahd. I am very pleased to meet you, Madame.
Audrey: Welcome to our group.
Dave: Is anyone else coming?
Pat: Yeah, Joan said she was coming but
you know she is never on time.
Dave: Well what do you say we get started? With your friend Achmed here, I think we have enough for the critical energy.
Pat: Yeah, I guess so. What do you think Audrey?
Audrey: I don’t know. Maybe we should wait.
Pat: What if Joan can’t get a sitter?
Dave: Do you want me to call her?
Pat: Sure, No, well, I don’t know.
Dave: That covers all the bases pretty well. Do you just want to wait around?
Audrey (nudges Dave): Can’t wait to relax, eh? Isn’t that a contradiction?
Dave: (paces nervously) I’ve got a lot to do tonight. If I could get centered and tune into the universal energy, that might help.
Pat: Well, what do you say we do a practice run? And then if Joan does show up, we can always say we were just warming up.
Audrey: All right, I still think you are missing the point if you can’t just wait quietly.
Dave: I promise I’ll improve with age. Achmed, do you want to join us?
Achmed: Certainly. It would be a very great pleasure.
(Dave, Pat, Audrey join their hands and extend hands toward Achmed to complete their circle. He grasps Pat’s hand but hesitates before taking Audrey’s).
Achmed: Is this allowed?
Audrey: Sure. That’s how we combine energies.
(Dave, Pat and Audrey close their eyes and look skyward. Achmed looks aroud. Dave, Audrey and Pat chant in unison): Oh, mother-father God of universal consciuoosness, we ask your blessing on our improvement. Help us tune into the universal energy of your creation and be at one with you.
(Dave Pat and Audrey sit. Achmed is caught by surprise and is awkwardly dragged down to the floor).
Achmed: That was a very hard landing.
Pat: Sorry about that. We forgot to clue you in.
(All four sit cross legged on the floor, still holding hands).
Dave: You want to lead this one, Audrey?
Audrey: I could. Is that all right with you Pat? Achmed?
Pat: Sure.
Achmed: It is not for me to say, my lady.
Audrey: Well, O.K. Take a deep breath and let it out through