Chapter 11
In which Beowulf spills the beans (not literally!) and a confusion of allegations and counter allegations ensue.
‘Do not let this viper speak!’ shouted Cardinal Bull, ‘We should send him to the dungeons now!’
‘I agree!’ shouted Mascarpone, not because he did, but because he was determined to show solidarity with his senior colleague, ‘to the dungeons with him!’
While both Cardinals gathered their breath for the next bit of shouting Beowulf spoke quickly and softly,
‘Your Highness, have your guards detain these men. They may seem to be your friends and allies but they are both deeply implicated in a plot against you. Their master, the Pope, is not content with the revenues he currently receives from Holy Gambling and he is planning to have you abducted; while France is leaderless he plans to impose a repressive theocratic government upon your people.’
‘Nonsense!’ bellowed Bull.
‘Rubbish,’ shouted Mascarpone, waving his arms for emphasis, ‘we have never conspired against anyone! We are men of God!’
‘Nonsense, rubbish,’ repeated Beowulf calmly, keeping his eyes fixed on Louie-Louie,
‘You know that they conspired against your brother.’
Beowulf paused to let this sink in. The Cardinals gasped. The British (even Caractacus, who had abandoned his poker monologue) looked alert. The guards stood ready, but unsure what to do.
‘Yes, Louie- Louie,’ continued Beowulf, ‘I know who you are, and I have no plan to depose you. I just need you to know that you are not safe. These men,’ he gestured at the Cardinals, ‘have plotted to overthrow you, while pretending to be your friends. It is them who you should be sending to the dungeons!’
As if taking a cue the guards advanced cautiously towards Bull and Mascarpone.
‘Your Majesty!’ shouted Bull imploringly, ‘this is not true; this is a web of lies! This man is trying to hoodwink you! He is distracting you from your true enemies!’
Louie-Louie considered. He had no experience for making judgements of this kind. Each story could be true or false and he had no way of discovering which was right.
‘Heinrich,’ he commanded, ‘keep the prisoner Beowulf bound. Cardinal Bull; sit down please. Heinrich, also station some guards near Cardinal Bull while we get to the bottom of this story.
As more guards came in, the room became extremely crowded. Sat around the card table were Louie-Louie, Cardinals Bull and Mascarpone, Dorf, Caractacus, Boo Dikka, the dealer from the Casino (who looked just a little out of place) and Beowulf. Heinrich was by the door and standing behind those who were seated at the table were a dozen guards. Also hanging around in the background, eating the party food and completely oblivious to the unfolding drama (due to his lack of language and social skills) was Lewis. At that moment, the crowd was added to by the entrance of two rather dirty serving girls who began to pass around plates of food. Louie-Louie had an idea.
‘It is very appropriate that we are sat at a poker table,’ he laughed, ‘for this is rather like poker; only the stakes are higher. One of you is bluffing and one is telling the truth. I think it is time that we put our cards on the table. Can either of you prove your allegations? Or will I need to send you all to the dungeons?’
‘You wouldn’t dare!’ growled Bull.
‘You aren’t convincing him,’ said Beowulf, ‘I was contacted by a messenger from Cardinal Bull to request help in an assassination of ‘the King of France’, while myself and my colleague Roscow were journeying through Germany. A large sum of money was mentioned and help in gaining access to the target. As a professional adventurer I was obviously interested in such a large reward, however, I try to avoid regicide wherever possible; it is so bad for your reputation.’
‘That’s not true,’ argued Bull, ‘he killed King Lars and his Queen and I never sent him a message!’
‘And so,’ continued Beowulf, ‘I decided to make all speed to France to warn your Majesty of this abominable, clerical plot. Alas, I nearly arrived too late as I have had to dodge the soldiers of the Pope wherever I have been.’
‘Thank you,’ said Louie-Louie, ‘You may speak now, Bull.’
The Cardinal gathered himself in an effort to regain his composure. He had been worried that Beowulf would have some kind of trick. He almost had to admire how well the small man had done at casting doubt in Louie-Louie’s mind, in throwing dust in the eyes (or rather, ears) of his listeners; but Cardinal Bull was not ready to be beaten. His eyes narrowed as he recalled a detail that would prove his case.
‘Your Grace,’ he addressed Louie-Louie, ‘I have a document that proves that Beowulf is the conspirator and it points the finger of suspicion at the man, who I think, has conspired with him. That man is Marshall Gney.’
There was another of the gasps of surprise that seemed to be regularly punctuating the evening of His Majesties’ stag night. With your leave, I will dispatch Cardinal Mascarpone to collect this proof. He can then return and we will see that it is these men,’ he gestured at Beowulf and the Marshall, ‘who need to be taken into custody.’
‘I have never heard such a scurrilous pack of lies in my life!’ shouted Marshall Gney in indignation, ‘I am a hero of France and I will not sit here and be smeared by you, you fat priest!’
‘You will!’ asserted Louie-Louie quickly, ‘because I command it!’
Louie-Louie felt that he was actually beginning to get the hang of the being King thing, ‘You will all sit down and we will wait for Mascarpone to bring us the proof or otherwise. Any who disagree will be cut down by the guards. Mascarpone! I take it you know where to find the Cardinal’s document?’
Mascarpone nodded.
‘Then go and get it.’
‘Can I suggest that we play poker until he returns?’ asked Beowulf, ‘I’ve always fancied a game, but never had the time. After all, it is your stag night’
‘You are quite right,’ replied Louie-Louie, ‘You,’ he said to Mascarpone, ‘go fetch,’ and you, he indicated the dealer, ‘deal!’