He shook his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “Because it’s killing me. Because I should have felt relief and happiness to find you alive and instead there was nothing but resentment. I don’t understand how you can put up with him when he has done nothing but ruin your life and try to control you. You would never let me get away with that, Reagan. You yelled at me today after I saved your life!”
A sob caught in my chest and it took me a minute before I could speak. “Because I love you, Hendrix. I think of us like partners, like equals. Kane doesn’t control me; he only tries to. You have seen something between us that is not there and you are letting it destroy what we have.”
“I love you, too. I love you more than anything. But until he’s out of our lives, one way or another… I can’t keep doing this to myself. This life we live is hard enough, I don’t need this and I don’t want to feel this way. Do what you have to do, Reagan. I respect you enough to get out of your way. But you’re asking too much of me and my plate is already full. You were right when you said we were partners. I wanted that to always be; I wanted you to help me, not ask me to be someone who I’m not.”
“But I haven’t done that-”
“You’re asking me to tolerate Kane. And you’re asking me to endure whatever is between you two. Love or not, there is affection there. I’m not blind and I’m not stupid. But I am done.” He stood up and loomed over me.
I waited for him to say more, to tell me that he would wait for me to get over this or that he just needed to calm down.
But he didn’t.
He reached out a hand as if he wanted to touch me but changed his mind at the last second. I tensed, hating that I so desperately missed his touch but couldn’t do anything about it. He walked away, disappeared into the darkness of the aisles. I had never felt more alone in my life.
I thought about chasing after him and begging him to reconsider. I wanted to tell him he should do whatever he wanted to Kane and that I wouldn’t stand in his way. But those were lies. I couldn’t give up Kane yet. It didn’t make sense to me. It obviously couldn’t make sense to Hendrix. And really, I didn’t expect it to.
But I did know that I lived with plenty of other guilt from this life, from Page, from every single thing that culminated into this moment I lived in now. Physically, I couldn’t take it anymore. I could not add one more thing to my conscience or I really would break.
Maybe I had broken already.
I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them tightly to me. There were tears and then there weren’t tears. I hated myself so much that I didn’t even think I could cry for myself. I couldn’t even feel sorry for me. I’d done this to myself. I’d pushed Hendrix away and I’d turned my life into a big cluster of stupidity.
Haley came back to sit by me at some point. She sat down next to me and wrapped her arm around me. We didn’t talk for a long time, but she seemed to understand what happened, so words weren’t needed.
“What are you going to do?” she asked after a long time of silence. We could hear the rest of the group from where we sat, but we were far enough back for a significant amount of privacy.
“I don’t know,” I whispered in a hoarse, emotion-filled voice.
“Kill Kane?” she asked gently.
“Maybe.” I didn’t think it would matter at this point though. Hendrix hadn’t given me an ultimatum. I knew that killing Kane wouldn’t prove anything to him. That wasn’t the point.
“You’re thinking about going south again, aren’t you?” Haley questioned, but her words were a statement.
I let out a weary sigh. “They have a research station, Hales. I could get away from this, all of this bullshit and continue with the original plan.”
She retracted her arm and her silence said everything. She wouldn’t leave the Parkers. She wouldn’t leave Nelson, not even for me. And it was unfair to ask her to, especially in my current state that was making decisions based on emotions rather than logic.
I could recognize that just because I was entertaining the idea, had been entertaining the idea ever since Bobbi Jo explained where she came from, that there were a lot more factors in play than just my one decision. Hendrix broke up with me, but I didn’t love him any less and I wasn’t sure I could leave him and never hear from him or about him again.
Plus, I truly loved the rest of his family. Then there was Page.
“Reagan, what about Page?” Haley sounded as defeated as I did.
“I would never leave her like this.”
“That doesn’t give me much hope.” She pulled me into a side hug and laid her head on top of mine. “Just wait, Reags. This will get better. You will feel better. He loves you too much to stay away from you. You’ll see.”
But I couldn’t see. And I didn’t think she was right. Hendrix was a man of conviction and follow through. He didn’t make rash decisions. He thought everything through. And I knew he’d thought this through. Like he said, this was all about self-preservation. Because while I knew he would sacrifice his life for me, he would not sacrifice his life for Kane and me. Which was what it felt like to him.
I didn’t know if I could prove to him that he was wrong. But I was going to try. And whatever happened to Kane in the process… I didn’t know. I guessed I would deal with that when the time came.
I leaned into Haley and took her comfort greedily. “Thanks, Haley. I missed you.”
“I missed you, too. I about died not knowing what happened to you. I hate the Zombies. They are the worst thing ever.”
I nodded my head but inside I disagreed. Even Zombies couldn’t compare to this… to what it felt like to have my heart shattered into a million pieces and my soul split in two.
Even Zombies faded when I considered Page’s life in the balance and a future filled with loneliness and misery.
Once upon a time, I had been happy to be all by myself, resistant to the very idea of love. And it was all because of this… because I didn’t want to live with a lifetime of sorrow.
But I’d done this to myself and I could only pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.
I was a survivor. I would survive Zombies and the end of the world.
And I would survive this.
Episode Eight
Chapter One
868 days after initial infection
Tyler
“Are you hiding?”
I nearly jumped out of my skin. “God! Hendrix! You scared the ever-living hell out of me!” My heart hadn’t found its normal rhythm yet, and I clutched my hand to my shirt as if that would help.
It didn’t.
“Sorry,” he grinned at me.
I rolled my eyes. “Ssh. They will hear you.”
“You are hiding.” He turned his back to the wall and slid down next to me. I pulled my knees to my chest, so his gargantuan legs had room to stretch out. “Who exactly are you hiding from?”
I sighed. He wasn’t going to leave me alone. I could either allow him to share some space with me or I could climb to my feet and find another hidden hole to bunker down in while I waited out this antique shop and Page’s illness. If she hadn’t taken a turn for the worse two days ago, we would have made it back to the compound by now.
However, things were not looking good for the baby girl, so Vaughan had decided to stay put a couple days and hope for the best.
As if this house of horrors had more to offer than the compound.
It didn’t.
There were virtually no medical supplies, no privacy, and I was stuck in the middle of a daytime soap opera that I’d rather have nothing to do with.
Not to mention that my crazy mother and dumb-shit brother had dug their heels into my life and refused to die.
“Everyone,” I groaned. I didn’t have the energy to move from this spot I’d claimed behind the cash register and I felt bad enough for Hendrix that I decided to give him some of my company.
He was an idiot. But Reagan turned out to be a bigger one.
/>
“Everyone?”
I gave him a cynical smile. “Yes, everyone. I don’t want to talk about the amazing things the geniuses are doing on the other side of the world. I don’t want to be anywhere near my family. Gage won’t leave me alone and there is so much drama between you and Reagan I feel like I’m choking on it.”
He glared at me.
“What?” I tried to laugh, but it came out flat because I was a horrible liar. “I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have tension. You definitely should. I’m just saying it’s a lot for the rest of us to deal with.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be with Haley right now? Comforting poor Reagan for dating such an unprecedented douchebag?” His growly voice betrayed his hurt. I could see how clearly he struggled with his decision and how much he still cared for Reagan. Anybody could. For as testosterone-driven as Hendrix always seemed, his separation from Reagan was eating him alive.
“I can’t do that,” I told him honestly. “I agree with you. My brother’s a psychopath. I don’t know what her problem is.”
“Finally, someone that sees reason,” Hendrix sighed.
I couldn’t let him get away with that though. “However, I’m not sure you handled it exactly right.”
More glaring.
I shrugged and approached the subject carefully. “It’s just that… It couldn’t have been easy for her. I know she didn’t want to develop… whatever she developed for my brother. But, it’s that, I don’t know… He can be charming. He was charming before the world went to hell. And I know there’s still some of that prom-king-football-stud left in him.” When his expression turned murderous, I quickly went on before daggers started shooting out of his eyeballs. “Take me, for example, I’m as cynical and jaded as they get. But I grew up in that environment. The only thing that changed with that town was the Zombies. The people remained the same. Especially my family. And Reagan’s not used to that. My daddy killed my boyfriend in front of me, and the most surprising part of that night was that he didn’t kill me, too. That’s my world, the world I’ve always known. And I don’t know much about you and your brothers, but I’m guessing something happened to you that made y’all open your eyes and see what humanity is really like, too. I know Reagan thinks she sees the world as clearly as we do, but that girl is still holding out for rainbows and butterflies. She thinks everyone can be redeemed. Or at least given the chance. She thinks my brother can be changed. She hasn’t learned the lesson that the rest of us have that some things or people are just evil. There is no gray area with them; there is no slight hope that promises a cleaner future. There is only poison and death. That’s all there ever will be.”
He had regarded me for a full minute before he responded. “You still think I messed up.”
I applauded his perceptiveness. “I think you acted hastily. Like I said, she’s been through something not a single one of us can understand. Then she watched your sister get attacked. I’m more surprised she didn’t crack right down the middle than find some way to attach herself to Kane.”
If possible his frown deepened and the corners of his mouth turned down further. He looked like a sad clown.
“I’ve had similar thoughts. But I can’t condone her feelings, Tyler. No matter how justified they may be. You said so yourself; your brother is a psychopath. I don’t have the time or the energy to compete with him.”
“And I don’t think that you should,” I agreed quickly. “But maybe a conversation with her? Maybe help her sort through the thoughts that must be spinning a mile a minute in that pretty head of hers?”
He didn’t say anything for a long time. “Cynical and jaded?” His sharp blue eyes had been staring off into the dark corners of the spooky store but now they cut back to me with the light of understanding. “Is that why you’re not over there with Page right now, Nurse Tyler?”
I kicked him in the shin but made it look like an accident, like my foot just slipped. “Sorry, Darlin’.” I laid on the sugar and my sweet southern drawl.
He didn’t take the bait. “I’m sure they could squeeze you in over there. Just ask Vaughan to scoot over.”
“You think you’re awfully clever, don’t you?”
“I know I’m clever,” he grinned at me again. “And I know you’re avoiding the scientists. I just don’t know why.”
I blew a huge breath through my lips and let them flap like a horse. I was not having this conversation with Hendrix Parker of all people. I didn’t just happen to turn cynical and jaded, I forced myself into those emotions and worshipped them as a religion. They were my pillars. My center. They were the lighthouse when the dark storm raged around me. Without them, I would lose whatever was left of me. Even while other feelings and thoughts tried to break through my icy demeanor, those two formative sentinels stood watch over my heart and protected me from all the other hurt and heartbreak just lying in wait for me.
This world was ugly and dangerous. The people I loved were the people that damaged me the most. And when I let myself begin to care, or come to peace with the deep, genuine emotions I had for someone, that person was always taken away from me.
And they weren’t always given back.
Logan, my boyfriend, the love of my life, the man my father gunned down in front of me. Miller, my little brother, the one person I would do anything and everything for. Even Reagan. I had opened up to her, let myself begin to care and then my brother had taken her from me and broken her.
And now Page. How could I not care for the Parker darling? Every single person she came into contact with fell under her spell. She was loyal, courageous and beautiful. Those qualities were sorely lacking in the rest of humanity these days and yet she possessed all three and more.
Now she lay at death’s door, out of reach and another X on my list of people I was forced to watch suffer.
The people I loved either died or ended up sadistically evil.
I might be cursed.
Somehow blaming myself for all those kismetic coincidences put the control back in my own hands. Maybe it was masochism. Maybe it was self-preservation. I couldn’t be certain, but I did know it was the reason I could answer Hendrix without completely giving myself away.
“I don’t want to hear about how amazing Colombia is, Parker. It’s a world away. And by that I mean a Zombie-filled-barren-apocalyptic-wasteland of a world away. No matter what they accomplish down there, it won’t have significance in our lives until I’m dead and gone. So I’d rather spare myself the anticlimactic hope of a Feeder-free existence and keep my filthy toes planted firmly in this lousy but honest reality.”
“Yikes,” Hendrix chuckled. “You weren’t kidding about the whole cynical and jaded thing.”
I narrowed my eyes on him. “Do you really think they can make a difference?”
He winced an exhausted sound and rested his head against the wall behind him. His chiseled jawline tipped toward the ceiling, and his intuitive gaze got lost somewhere in the darkness overhead. “Do you know that when we met Reagan and Haley they were headed south?”
“I know, Hendrix. And if this is some poor excuse to get me to talk about Reagan, it’s not going to work.”
“It’s a poor excuse to acknowledge that south might be the only place we’re safe. South might get us far enough away from your dad, the Colony, and your brother to put us in a place where we don’t have to worry about them. As far as I can tell, your dad isn’t worried about world domination; he just wants this particular country back together. Well, if he gets his way, we’re going to stay at the top of his kill list. If these people really have a secure place set up and are working on a vaccine, then can we really ignore the possibility that we go back to Plan A? Don’t we have an obligation to the humanity we can help? I have no doubt those people are working on something significant, and we could be part of that. We could help eradicate the Zombie infection completely.”
I studied him quietly for a few minutes, waiting for a smart argument to form in my head s
o I could spit it back at him. But for that? I couldn’t think of anything. And I wondered if my feelings were as wrapped up in Page as his were. Could this be hope for her? Or doom? Not having the right answers, I deterred the conversation to an argument I did have some insight on. “I’ve never believed my daddy’s crazy rants. I’ve never believed he could really unite us again.”
“You traveled the same road I did, Tyler. The Colony has spread its wings while we’ve been locked up in that storage facility, blind and goddamn ignorant to what else was going on in our own neighborhood. We had no idea Matthias had conquered so much land. Hell, we’re in Colony territory now. What do we do when we’re an island in a sea of your father’s tyranny? How long do you think he waits until he uses his newly acquired army of mercenaries and militia to attack us? What then?”
“We fight back,” I growled.
“And when we run out of ammo? Out of guns and weapons and men and people to fight for? We have two enemies right now, and they’re the deadliest predators this world has ever seen. We cannot fight the Feeders and your father. There just isn’t enough weaponry in the world to fight both of those armies.”
I shrugged. “Maybe one of those will take care of the other. My father always kept the Colony swept clean.”
“We will never be free of the Feeder threat until it is completely eliminated. It’s too contagious, and it spreads too quickly. And we both know that your father will never get rid of the Feeder problem. He needs Zombies to keep his humans in line. What’s more likely to happen is that Matthias will figure out a way to use the Feeders against us. Then the two armies will temporarily unite, granted unconventionally, and we’ll be shit out of luck. Stop letting jealousy get in the way of rational thinking.”
My mouth dropped open, and I gaped at him. “I’m not jealous.”