Fall From Grace
A novel by
Christine Zolendz
Fall From Grace Copyright © 2012 Christine Ticali
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Cover Design by http://darkroaddesigns.com/
“Piece of My Heart,” lyrics written by Bert Berns and Jerry Ragovoy © 1968, recorded by Janis Joplin on her “Cheap Thrills” album
Editor extraordinaire: Frankie Sutton http://frankiesfreelanceediting.blogspot.com/
This book is dedicated to everyone who has ever been told they can’t. Let’s jump off the cliff together.
And to my girls. Always dream big.
Chapter 1
What woke me was the insistent beep-beep-beep of the little machine that was monitoring his dying heart. I opened my eyes slowly, and as always, he lay there watching me.
I got up from where I was sitting and leaned in close to him, placing my hand on his cheek. “Let go. I understand.”
He struggled for breath and mumbled something I couldn’t hear. I smiled anyway. “Go, Jake. I’ll be fine, don’t hold on for me.”
A lone tear escaped from his eye and his breathing stilled. The monitors screamed their piercing sirens.
I stepped back as nurses and doctors flooded the room, but I knew it was too late. He was gone and I was completely alone again.
Voices blurred and time seemed to slow down as I made my way towards the hall. God, I don’t belong here anymore. This is my own personal hell.
Someone cut off the horrific screams of the heart monitor and the sudden realization that Jacob was dead shot waves of horror through me. Does life ever get any easier?
For so long, I helplessly watched as a vicious disease sucked the life out of his once strong spirit. Jacob’s trembling hands, and jaundice skin showed his inability to fight the invisible murderous enemy. How much more powerless and insignificant can a person feel when watching someone they love slowly die? I wished each night to take his place, yet I was still standing there and Jacob was gone. I never believed in wishes anyway.
I placed my hand on the doorframe and looked back once. Do not resuscitate. Do not grieve for me when this cancer wins. Do not give me a funeral to remember what killed me. They were calling the time; it was 3:16. The numbers made my frown tighten, or maybe it was just the knowledge that Gabriel would be standing right outside the door.
“Hello, Gabriel,” I whispered, even before I stepped through the doorway. My insides twisted themselves into knots as I stood before him.
“Grace.”
I looked up and tried my best to smile; trying to hold in the tears that I knew would soon flow like a great flood from my eyes. Gabriel was always so beautiful to look at. No matter when or where he showed up, he was perfect. He was leaning against the white walls of the hospital hallway and his perfection made them seem dirty against his bronzed flawless skin.
“What is your plan now, Grace?”
“Oh, Gabriel, it’s the same as always. Just keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other. Now, if you would please excuse me, I just lost my brother and I’d like to be alone.” I brushed past him, accidentally touching the edge of his arm, and I shivered.
Gabriel reached out his arm and gently touched my shoulder. “I’m sorry about your brother, Grace. I’m sorry about all of this.”
I stopped and turned towards him. Even though his voice had sounded full of tenderness, his ice-cold blue eyes held no emotion. “Thank you, Gabriel. I’m sure that one day, I’ll meet up with him again. After all, we all gotta die sometime, don’t we?” My sarcasm dripped thickly off every word. I couldn’t say what I wanted to. How many times can you say I’m sorry? How many times will I watch death take everyone, leaving me here? How much more can I endure when I’ve endured so much more than others have? How many times have I wished death would come for me? Even in death, I would not be allowed to rest, would I? Sorrow seeped through my veins. This is all I knew; all I’d ever know; an eternity here on earth.
His long elegant fingers brushed up against my cheek. “I really am sorry about Jacob, Grace. I wish I could do something. I know how special he’s been to you.” For a single nanosecond, or maybe even less, his eyes offered a smoldering glance, as if they were trying to tell me something separate from his blank expression.
He turned to leave, but I felt his halfhearted attempt at being able to do something, hang heavy and linger in the air between us.
“This has nothing to do with Jacob, Gabriel. Yes, my brother is gone now, and I will miss him, but this has to do with my being here, still alone. I’m relieved Jacob is gone. He’s been dying for years with that cancer. No human being should suffer as he did. Being here is excruciating, Gabriel, but I’m still here! So please, do not patronize me. Do not visit every so often, glare at me with those cold dead eyes, and tell me how you wish you could do something, when I know for a fact that you could. Unless you have something to offer me in way of advice or counsel, I’ll be doing what I’ve always done, putting one foot in front of the other and moving on.” My eyes welled up when I turned from him. Of course, I would miss Jacob. Someone like Gabriel would never understand any of these horrible human emotions and all this pain. I just wished it would end; I would just like not to exist in this world anymore or in any world. I just wanted, well, it doesn’t matter what I wanted, did it?
In one quick movement, Gabriel grabbed me and spun me to face him. His stern fatherly expression dissolved into a tender smile. The behavior startled me in such a way that my knees gave out from underneath me. I had never seen Gabriel smile like that. He embraced me in his huge bronze arms and whispered into my ears without saying a word.
“You are the strongest person that I have ever known. You’ve been broken more times than anyone, and yet you keep...I want so much to save you...” His embrace calmed me. I slowly pushed myself off and out of his arms, trying to distance myself from him.
The tenderness was gone and the stern father figure was standing before me as if that little slip in time of encouragement and tenderness never happened.
“Thank you, Gabriel.” And, that’s where I left him. Standing in a hospital hallway, in the middle of nowhere, thinking that I was the strongest person he’d known. As if, I had a choice in that.
Chapter 2
I kept walking until I found myself standing in the middle of the hospice parking lot, but I couldn’t remember where my Jeep was. I couldn’t remember the last time I was outside of the hospice walls. The rays of the sun felt as if they were assaulting me for hiding for so long. Rummaging in my pockets for my keys, I wondered if I should go back inside to the room they had given Jacob to get my belongings.
Clicking the alarm on the keys helped me find my Jeep, and after climbing in, I sat heavily into the driver’s seat. I glanced in the backseat where my guitar case was propped up against the back window. Just whom was I kidding? Everything I owned was in this vehicle. I just needed to leave, so I started the engine.
I peeled out of the parking lot as if my tailpipes were on fire. I had more than 400 miles to cover and I wanted to do it as
fast as I possibly could. Heading straight to the I-90 New York State Thruway, I stepped on the gas as hard as I could.
I placed my phone in the speaker cradle on my dashboard and called Lea hands-free.
“Grace? What’s wrong?” the disembodied voice of my best friend answered.
“Jake’s gone, so I’m coming back. My room still empty?”
“Oh, Gray.” Her pet name for me touched my heart. “Of course, it’s empty. I don’t even know what to say. Jake was...”
“Please don’t. It’s over and he’s not in any more pain. I’ll be back sometime tonight.”
“Conner and I are going to watch his friend’s band play later. Text me when you get in and I’ll message you the address, in case you feel up to going out.” Oh Lea, you’re so used to my stoic episodes. Maybe a night of music and drinking would be the answer to my prayers, or at least it would numb my mind of this harsh life.
“Conner, huh? Sounds like a plan. I’m almost on I-390 now. I’ll see you in a few.”
“Oh man, you’re doing about 90, aren’t you? Don’t kill yourself, please, I know you have a death wish, but I’d like to see you again, and in one piece, please. Besides, I really want you to meet Conner.” Her voice did nothing to hide her feelings for him and it made me smile. Lea was such a beautiful soul. She deserved to find someone who could make her smile.
“I’m not driving anywhere near 90,” I replied. Well, 120 was nowhere near 90 in my mind. “I can’t wait to meet Conner too.” I clicked off the phone and pushed the Jeep to go even faster. The traffic was uncharacteristically thin and I found myself weaving through cars as if I was invisible. If only I could be invisible, or at least not feel this sad world. If only I didn’t have to be so...human.
In the solace and loneliness of my front seat, while I sped through the world in a blur, my tears fell free. I separated my mind from my body as I always do, and let the sorrow wash over my soul. The sky slowly grew darker as my world tilted itself towards the moon. Great dark clouds assembled above, crowding the heavens and it opened up. Hail pelted my windshield and the rain poured down, matching my mood. All of it was making me feel as if the heavens were mocking me.
I made the seven-hour trip in five hours, crying all the way. At exactly 9:15, I had my few belongings back in the small Manhattan apartment that I began renting with Lea so long ago. I sat down on the big brown couch we bought at a secondhand store downtown and looked around. Everything was the same. It was as if I hadn’t left six months ago and Jake was still kicking pancreatic cancer’s ass. One foot in front of the other, just keep moving forward.
Lea had texted directions to the bar to me, which read, Walk out door. Turn right. Walk around corner. Find big sign that says Boozer’s. Get smashed for Jake.
I walked back to my room and stripped out of my clothes. My shirt had gotten soaked with my tears. I changed into an old comfortable pair of jeans and a small white T-shirt, thinking Lea would complain about how plain I looked. Then, I slipped on a pair of black stilettos that had been left in my closet. I hoped the bar wasn’t too far, because I had a feeling that later on I’d be stumbling home barefoot.
Splashing water on my face in the bathroom was the only thing I did to freshen up. I didn’t even bother looking in the mirror. I grabbed my jacket and ran my fingers through my hair to tame the tangles as I walked out the door. I was never one to care about how I looked on the outside. That wasn’t the real me anyway. Not that I didn’t appreciate the way I looked now, I just didn’t feel it mattered, because how you look doesn’t change what’s in your soul.
Making my way down the street, I found comfort in the busy New York City sounds; the taxis flying through the streets, people talking, laughing, and shouting. Like me, everything felt raw and alive in this city. Raw and still very much alive.
Boozer’s kept an enormously cheesy neon light over its open front doors and the music from inside was drifting out into the street. I was enamored with it before I even walked inside. The front windows were made of small panes of glass that were foggy from the cold February night. Old-fashioned lanterns hung from the old world brick façade, making the building look as if it belonged in a small romantic Tuscany village, and not on a New York City Street.
An enormously chiseled looking man stood inside the opening of the bar and winked at me as I walked in. A bright red STAFF shirt clung to his body as if it was painted on; his expression looked like he wanted me for dinner. Too arrogant. However, that didn’t stop me from wondering if he’d thought I’d be a main course or just an appetizer.
I scanned the crowded room for Lea and spotted her right away. Of course, she was the one dancing on top of the table in a booth near the stage against the wall. Everyone was talking and watching the band play music that was a mix between rock, blues and alternative. Nothing spectacular; average music, and I tuned them out.
I expertly navigated myself through the crowds of people; the sound of the music drowned away from my ears; I barely noticed when they stopped playing. When Lea saw me, she grabbed me in her arms and pulled me up onto the table with her. “You’re home! Oh God, Gray, I’m so sorry. Come on, talk to me!”
I held her at arm’s length and gave her a small smile. “There’s nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. Let’s not talk about it, okay?”
She took a flying leap off the table and dragged me with her. I almost fell flat on my face, but she thunderously dragged me to a small crowd of guys who were looking at me in confusion.
Lea marched me right up to a tall blond guy. “Conner! This is my best friend in the whole entire universe. Grace.” She turned her head to me and yelled over the crowd, “Gray, this is Conner. The One!” Mad giggling ensued and with it came an exact measurement of just how drunk she already was.
Conner, aka The One, arched his eyebrows slightly towards Lea, and then gave me a huge smile. I couldn’t help but smirk at her, sighing inwardly. Yes. The way he looked at Lea, well, most girls would kill for a guy to look at them the way he looked at her. My heart leapt for my friend, because she deserved to find her One, as she called him. I reached my hand out to shake his and instead he grabbed me in a bear hug and lifted me off the ground. “Welcome home! Lea’s been talking about you nonstop for the last six months. I was beginning to think that she actually made you up!”
I laughed. “Well, thanks. I’m happy to meet you too!”
He gently settled my feet on the floor and wrapped his arms around Lea, who was looking up at him lovingly, and swaying a bit. “I’m really sorry to hear about your brother. Lea’s been crying since you called.”
What could I say to that? Nothing, really. Lea knew Jacob her whole life. If I really wanted to think about it, the truth was that Lea knew Jacob even longer than I had. I didn’t think about it though. The second the thought entered, I wiped it from my mind. I couldn’t think about those things. Right now, I just really needed a drink.
Lea staggered closer to the table and grabbed two beers. “Where’s my pitcher of margaritas?” she yelled to nobody in particular.
Conner shook his head and laughed. “You drank it all. Have some beer for now, because you’re going to pass out on me if you keep this up.”
Around us, the movement of the crowd escalated with excitement. I looked around the room to find the cause. A man stood in front of the room on the small stage with a microphone in one hand and a beer in the other. “Are we having fun yet?” he screamed at the audience. Not waiting for the yells of replies to die down the man keep talking. “Welcome to Boozer’s! Drink until you pass out, and we’ll let you sleep on the floor! Let’s give it up for our house band, Mad World! Ladies, stay off the stage, but you may throw as much of your clothes at them that you want!”
I laughed out loud at the absurdity of the emcee, and then stopped when I noticed all the bras and underwear haphazardly hanging from the rafters on the ceiling. Wow.
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Cheering erupted as a group of three guys ran onto the stage. The volume exploded to an ear-piercing decibel and a small lacy black bra went sailing from the crowd, landing in the hands of the fourth member of the band, who strolled, relaxed and unaffected into the middle of the stage.
Lea grabbed me around the waist and pulled me through the crowd. “This is the band. Come on; let’s stand on the side over here. In a minute, we won’t be able to see through the sea of half-naked girls!”
Wobbly, she climbed back on top of the table we had occupied earlier and held out her hand for me to follow. I followed her up and still grasping my hand, she continued climbing over the leathery cushions of the booth, right onto a wooden shelf in the wall and we plopped down on a deep-set windowsill.
I sat next to her and wondered how many times in the last six months, she sat there and listened to her boyfriend’s friend’s band play. How long had she smiled that satisfied with her life smile? I wondered what contentment felt like. I shut down the thoughts again. I was worn out, but I was definitely happy that Lea had that smile on her face.
I followed her glance to Conner, who stood in the crowd of people and looked back at her with a matching smile. It felt as if I was in the room alone with them and I was intruding in a private moment.
The crowd was in a complete frenzy, when a rough, sexy voice poured a velvety haunting song into the microphone. I couldn’t help but look up to see the match to the voice. How I had been capable of not noticing him before was beyond me. He was perfection. I couldn’t even have matched an adjective to him if I’d tried, but perfect would be the closest fit, and it still wasn’t good enough to describe him.
He was looking through the crowd with intense eyes, as if he was searching for something. Then his expression eased into a sexy smoldering smile. His short dark hair hung thick and unruly, cut in uneven layers. It looked tousled, as if some lucky girl had just run her hands through it backstage. Ah, maybe that’s who it was that he was searching for.