I took a small step, scooting around Vera so I could hand the woman the wet towel in my hand, but froze the minute she began to speak.
“I didn’t know where else to go,” she told Patrick hoarsely, her voice ruined from the wailing she’d been doing. “I didn’t know what to do.”
“Shhh. Yer alright now,” he soothed her.
“Michael found out. I tried to hide it.” More tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes. “But I got too big and he finally noticed.”
I watched Patrick swallow hard, never looking away from the woman’s face.
“I tried not to tell dem it was ye. I swear it.” Her eyes implored him as I began to feel lightheaded. “But I just couldn’t take anymore.”
I gripped the doorframe hard, willing myself to stay upright. This was wrong. All of it was wrong. Patrick was going to speak up at any moment, and everything would become clearer.
“We need to strip her down and see what we’re looking at. Out, Patrick,” Peg said sharply, refusing to even look in his direction.
“Mum—” his voice cracked. That small break in his words destroyed everything I’d thought, believed and known about my relationship with my husband. It took less than a second.
“Out,” Peg ordered again, ignoring the shame in his voice.
As Patrick hushed the woman again, speaking quietly while attempting to pull away from her, I wrenched myself away from the room. I couldn’t watch it any longer. I needed to get away from him.
I sped through the house, only to be caught around the waist by Charlie. “You need to wait and hear him out, girl. Don’t be stupid and leave when we don’t know what we’re dealing with.”
I ripped his arm off me and changed direction, stepping through the doorway of the bathroom just as Patrick came out of our room. I didn’t stop. I didn’t even turn my head in his direction.
I couldn’t even look at him.
“Amy—”
His words were cut off as I quietly shut the bathroom door and turned the flimsy lock. My legs gave beneath me, and I slid to the floor without even turning on the light. I didn’t mind the darkness.
It was quiet in there—a step away from the insanity that had taken over my home. Why had I been so giddy that Patrick had brought everything into clear focus again? Why had I let them pull me in, why had I let myself be pulled? Why couldn’t I have just continued on in the life I’d been living? There were no highs or lows in that life. I’d been comfortable there, before Peg and Patrick. I’d been numb.
I pretended for a split second that everything was back to normal again.
Robbie was watching television while Peg fixed dinner, and any moment Patrick would be home from work. Then the fantasy was shattered as the door vibrated against my back.
“Amy, let me in.” Patrick began knocking and trying to turn the doorknob. “Please, me love. Please, let me in.”
I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have anything to say. Nothing. There was not one word in the entire dictionary, not one word in any language that seemed appropriate at that moment.
He’d slept with that woman. He’d slept with her and gotten her pregnant. The pain in my chest was too excruciating to bear. I couldn’t even cry. I just sat there staring into the darkness.
“Let me explain, me love. It’s not what yer t’inkin’, I swear it. Please, please, please let me in. Let me hold ye. I need ye, Amy. Please, open de door.”
Patrick continued to knock on the door, at one point threatening to break it down, but he didn’t get in. He just stood outside, begging and pleading and threatening and cajoling me to speak with him.
As if I had anything to say.
Eventually, he moved away from the door and I heard other voices in the house. Charlie’s dad must have shown up with the doctor.
I didn’t care.
I didn’t even care what happened to her.
I knew that made me a monster. She was pregnant, and in pain, and someone had beaten the hell out of her. But I still didn’t care. I wanted her to disappear and I wasn’t picky about how that happened.
“Let me in, lovey.” Peg’s voice drifted through the door, but I still didn’t move. “It’s just me. Open the door.”
I couldn’t make myself get up off the floor.
“Charlie?” Peg’s voice was muffled as she turned away, but the walls were so thin in that fucking house that I could still hear her. “She’s not answerin’ me. Can ye take the door off the hinges? I’m afraid if we try to break through it, she’ll be hurt.”
“Sure,” Charlie replied.
I heard him start fiddling with the door, then more voices in the living room.
Suddenly, I couldn’t bear the thought of all those people seeing how absolutely devastated I was. Oh, poor Amy, her husband fucks around on her. Poor Amy, who still isn’t pregnant, but her husband’s side piece is. Poor Amy can’t even get up off the bathroom floor because she’s so upset.
Fuck that.
I climbed to my feet as a familiar feeling of disconnect ran through me. I wasn’t poor Amy. I’d dealt with far worse things in my life. I’d grown up with parents who either didn’t give a shit or outright disliked me, who’d been neglectful at times and cruel at others. I’d moved from one place to the next, never able to make any real connections with anyone. I could deal with proof of Patrick’s infidelity.
It was nothing. He was nothing.
What had he said before? It was just a bump.
I opened the door to Charlie’s surprised face, and gave him a thin smile. I was fine. He didn’t need to take the door off.
Patrick, Peg, Vera and a couple older men were standing in the kitchen discussing something quietly as I made my way to the couch. I kept my torn up copy of Fahrenheit 451 on the bottom shelf of one of Peg’s side tables because Robbie had started reading it when the house was quiet. I didn’t let myself think about that. I was fine.
I opened it up to a random page in the middle, then changed my mind and flipped back to the first page. I had a feeling I was going to be there a while.
“It was a pleasure to burn…”
“Amy!” Vera plopped down on the couch next to me. “Shit, girl. I’ve been calling your name.”
“What do you need?”
“Huh?”
“Did you need something?”
“You’re just gonna sit here and read while all of this,” she waved her hand around in front of her, “is going on around you?”
“That was the plan.”
“You okay?”
“Yep. Fine.”
“I mean, I wouldn’t be. I’d be freaking out big time.”
“I’m good.”
She looked at me like there was an alien climbing out of my head. “What are you doing?”
“I was trying to read.”
“No, what are you doing?”
I pretended that I hadn’t heard the emphasis she’d put into her words and scowled at her. “I was reading, and now I’m talking to you. Soon as you’re done, I’m gonna get back to reading.”
She shook her head in amazement. “You’re nuts, you know that, right?”
“I prefer apathetic.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
Before I could reply, Peg was calling my name from the kitchen. It was a smart move on her part, because she knew that I’d answer her.
I slowly turned down the corner of my page, even though I’d read the thing a million times and it didn’t matter where I started up again, then placed it back on its little shelf. Vera stayed behind as I made my way toward Peg, but she followed my movements with her eyes as if she was still trying to figure me out.
“What’s up?” I asked Peg, strolling into the kitchen.
“The lads are makin’ some plans. Ye should be in here for this.”
“Okay,” I replied easily, sitting down at Robbie’s spot and folding my hands on the smooth wooden table.
The men watched me warily as they crowded around m
e.
“Ham,” the man who must have been Charlie’s dad said, reaching out to shake my hand. “That’s Doc.”
“Nice to meet you, I’m Amy.”
“Trick’s wife,” he replied with a smile. He seemed nice.
“For today.”
Patrick took a step forward, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw Charlie’s hand grip his shoulder hard as if to stop him.
“So what’s the plan?” I asked calmly, looking directly at Ham. What a weird name.
“We leave on a steamer in two days,” he said, pulling out a chair and flipping it around so he could straddle it. “Got two spaces open—we can only take two of you with us then.”
“That seems easy enough,” I replied.
“Gotta leave two behind.”
“So take Patrick and the girl.”
“I’m not leavin’ ye and Mum, are ye out of yer mind?” Patrick exploded, stepping forward to slam his palm down on the table.
“The girl has to leave, right?” I asked Ham, completely ignoring Patrick’s outburst. Why was I calling her a girl? The woman had a baby in her belly, for Christ’s sake. “So she’s one of the people, automatically.”
“Gotta get that girl outta here before they realize where she’s gone,” he confirmed with a nod. “Doc set her arm, but she won’t be up to fightin’ anyone off for a while.”
“Okay, well if Patrick doesn’t want to go with her, then I guess Peg goes.”
“I can’t just leave ye here,” Patrick interrupted again.
“I’ll not leave ye to take care of that whore.” Peg’s comment was quiet but resolute.
“Mum—”
“Ye’ve made yer bed, son.”
“Jesus Christ,” he said softly, running his hands through his hair.
“We’ve got contacts on another steamer that leaves at the end of the week,” Charlie chimed in. “Whoever stays back can leave on that one. It’s only four days difference.”
“It’s settled then, Patrick and the woman—” Peg said.
“Her name is Moira,” Patrick corrected quietly.
Peg paused and turned to look at Patrick.
“I don’t care if her name is the fuckin’ Virgin Mary!” she yelled at him, finally losing what little composure she had left. “How could ye? I taught ye better than that! Ye think it’s okay to be fuckin’ other woman while yer wife’s home in yer bed?” She reached out and slapped him across the face. “How could ye do that to Amy? Amy, who’s been nothin’ but good to ye! Dealin’ with yer travelin’ from home and leavin’ her here more often than not! She’s waited on ye! She’s done nothin’ that other girls were doin’ because she was waitin’ on yer sorry arse to come home to her, and what do ye do? Tell me, Patrick Gallagher! Say it! What did ye do to her?”
“Enough.” My words were quiet, but they rang out like a gunshot through the room. “You don’t need to stick up for me, though I love you for it. This isn’t getting anything done, and we need to plan.”
Peg had angry tears rolling down her cheeks, and Patrick looked like his world had just ended. I realized that they were hurting with the cool detachment that I’d developed throughout my childhood. It was all too much on the tail of Robbie’s death. They looked so overwhelmed.
I felt bad for them, but that was pretty much the extent of my emotional reaction.
“So Patrick and—” I cleared my throat and glanced at Patrick, who was looking at me with a stricken expression. “Moira will take the first steamer, Peg and I will come at the end of the week.”
“I’ll stay behind and go with them,” Doc spoke up for the first time. “Girl in there doesn’t need me for the trip, and you all need to get back home with that steamer. Don’t feel right leavin’ them here alone.”
Ham watched him for a minute and then nodded. “You’ll stay with the women.”
“If there’s an open spot, then Amy can go with ye on the first one,” Peg argued.
“Not going to happen,” I answered flatly. There was no way in hell that I was going anywhere with Patrick and that woman.
“I can—” Patrick began to speak again.
“No.” I stared him down until he gave in with a defeated nod. We weren’t going to get anywhere if we continued on about who went with who. The plan was set—Patrick and Moira on one and Peg and I on the other. The end.
“Okay, is there anything else we need to go over?” I asked Ham. I had work in an hour and I wasn’t even sure how I’d get my clean clothes out of the bedroom Moira was sleeping in. I couldn’t believe that I was still going to work as if my life as I’d known it was gone. Then I brushed that thought away. I was fine and I needed the money.
“Pack light, only things you can carry. Leave everything else in the house as-is. Trip to North Carolina will be rough, so make sure you bring some pain relievers and shit with you. Maybe some Dramamine.”
“We’re going to North Carolina?”
“Just stoppin’ there. We’ll ride the bikes to Oregon.”
I nodded and stood from the table, done with the conversation.
I’d never been to Oregon.
Chapter 34
Amy
“Are ye ever goin’ to speak to me?” Patrick asked quietly from the couch as I walked in from work that night.
Charlie and Vera had walked me to Dillon’s and had stayed for my entire shift to keep watch. It had seemed a bit overboard, but I didn’t really mind it. They’d gone out of their way to act as if everything was normal, and I’d been grateful for the reprieve. We’d all agreed that mentioning anything out of the ordinary wasn’t a good idea since we weren’t sure who was looking for Moira.
It had been fucking wonderful to pretend she didn’t exist for a few hours.
Unfortunately, the minute I’d walked through my front door, reality intruded.
“What do you want me to say?” I asked tiredly, taking off my coat and hanging it on the hook by the door. I needed to remember to take it with me when we left.
“I don’t know, Amy. Somet'in’. Fuckin’ hit me. Yell at me. Anyt’in.’ ”
“I can yell if you want, but I’m not sure it would do any good. Would that make you feel better?” I walked around the couch and sat in the chair next to it as Patrick ran his hands over his face.
“It was before we got married,” he said softly.
“She’s not that pregnant,” I replied flatly.
“I’m not lyin.’ It was before I’d even proposed to ye.”
“Not long before.”
“No,” he answered painfully, and suddenly I had to know everything.
“How long before?”
He didn’t answer, just stared at me as if memorizing my face.
“How long before, Patrick?”
“De night before Mum called and told me somet’in’ was wrong.”
The words felt like a punch to my chest, and suddenly I was afraid that I’d never be able to breathe again. I’d been so scared that night. I remembered lying in my bed, begging silently for Patrick, but too afraid to reach out. To think, just the next day I’d thought that my prayers had been answered when he’d come and taken me away.
“Yeah, not long before,” I whispered to myself.
“We were not toget’er den. If we’d been toget’er, I—”
“I was waiting for you,” I cut in, my voice barely recognizable it was so quiet. “You kissed me and said you wouldn’t fuck me because you were going to marry me first. I was devastated the night before you came home. I remember so clearly, because I hadn’t been out of my bed all day and my mom had come in to tell me that I wasn’t finding a place to live by rotting away in my bed. And then the next morning, you were there… like magic.”
The scenes played like a movie in my head, and by the time they were finished, I couldn’t help the hysterical laugh that came out of my mouth.
“I was so stupid. So fucking naïve.”
“Don’t say dat. Yer not stupid. Ye were never stupid.”
/>
“I made comments about your experience,” I spoke over him, “I pushed you because I was angry, and the entire time you were fucking other people. No wonder you didn’t mind waiting until we were married.”
“Dat’s not how it was.”
“So fucking stupid.” I shook my head, scrubbing my hands over my face.
“It was one night. One night. Dat’s all. I was pissed—”
“You’re really going to use the drunk excuse right now? Really, Patrick?”
“I wasn’t in me right mind—” I gripped the arms of the chair, but he was off the couch and kneeling in front of me before I could push myself to my feet. “Please, Amy. Please, listen.”
I leaned back in the chair as far as I could and wrapped my arms around my chest. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. My stomach was churning and my heart was racing… but a part of me ached to know it all. I needed the details, so I could try to make sense of the whole thing.
He loved me. I knew he did. How could he do this?
“I began me night early at a pub near me flat. I was alone. I was missin’ home and me da had just come to Mum’s to tell us dat he was in trouble. Me classes were goin’ poorly and I’d just finished me exams.” His hands were gently gripping my thighs, his thumbs rubbing back and forth in an unconscious gesture. “I was havin’ a shite week. Den dese men came in de pub, and I recognized one of dem. Local IRA, not high level, but not low level eit’er. Somewhere in de middle. Dey stopped at dis table full o’women, and I couldn’t hear what was said, but one of de women stiffened and den left de bar.”
He swallowed hard and his chest began rising and falling as if he couldn’t catch his breath.