“Hey, Mum, what’s up?”
“Nix, do you know anything about Patrick’s daughter?” I asked, cringing as I crossed the street to where I was parked.
“Not much, no. Trick said she married some guy with shit-tons of money and moved up here a few years ago. Why?”
“I—” I couldn’t exactly tell him that I’d been stalking the girl for months. “I think she may come into the studio sometimes.” Yeah, like every single week like clockwork.
“Whoa. Small world.”
“Yeah, no kidding.”
“Wait, have you met her before? How did you even notice?”
I climbed into my car and locked the doors, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
“I knew her parents, remember? She looks like them.”
“Damn, you’ve got the memory of an elephant.”
“It’s a curse.”
“Well, I think I’ll probably talk to Trick this week sometime—you want me to mention it?”
“No!” I gulped, shaking my head in annoyance. “Don’t say anything. I don’t know why you even talk to him.”
“You know why,” he reminded me, making me want to slam my head repeatedly into the driver’s door window. “He kept in touch, even when I was a dick to him. I’m not his kid, but he came to every graduation I’ve ever had. I know you guys had a falling out, or whatever the fuck that was—but he’s the only father figure I ever had.”
“I was your father figure,” I replied stubbornly.
“And you were fantastic. But in case you haven’t noticed, you don’t have a dick.”
“Phoenix Robert Gallagher, watch your mouth.”
“Look, all I’m saying—”
“Oh, you’re trying to make a point? I thought you were just trying to annoy me,” I said, pulling out of the parking lot and turning toward my apartment.
“All I’m saying is the guy isn’t all bad. And he still asks how you’re doing after ten years—”
“Nine.”
“Whatever. Nine years. But still—you’re the only one that seems to have an issue here, and I get it. I do. But at some point, you either need to cover up that anchor and get a divorce or forgive the guy for whatever he did.”
I clenched my teeth in anger at his skewed view of the situation, but I didn’t argue. I couldn’t. Because for twenty-five years, I’d never said a word about the way he’d been conceived. He had no idea about the things I’d gone through, or the part Patrick had played in my agony, and if it was up to me, he’d never find out.
“You’re right,” I said through my teeth.
“I am?”
“Yeah. I need to cover this tattoo.”
“Mum, that’s not what I was—”
“I’m almost home, so I’ll call you later…or in a few days. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Are you angry?”
“Not at all, son. I’m just home, and I need to carry some groceries up to the apartment,” I lied.
“Okay, then. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” I rolled my eyes.
“Love you, too. Bye, kiddo.”
I hung up and sat in my car, my conversation with Nix forgotten as I remembered Brenna’s stiff movements and the weird post she’d put on Craigslist.
I knew I shouldn’t get involved, but as I sat there in the quiet, I realized what exactly had caught my eye when I’d seen Brenna for the first time.
She watched the world with the same haunted look that I’d had for most of my life.
That night on a whim, I posted my old, beaten-up Corolla on the same website and for the same price that Brenna had posted her car hours before.
Chapter 50
Patrick
I knocked on the door in an unconscious rhythm before pulling my hand back and stuffing it into the pocket of my jacket.
I wasn’t wearing my cut. Portland wasn’t our territory and I wasn’t on club business, but I felt odd without it. The leather was so worn by that point that it molded to my chest perfectly, and I’d had it retooled more times than I could count as shit had frayed and ripped. Not wearing it reminded me of the feeling I’d get when I forgot my wallet at home.
“Nix you said seven—”
Amy froze with the door halfway open, and for a second I thought she was going to slam it in my face.
“What are you doing here?” she asked nervously, running her hand over her head even though there were no stray hairs to settle.
“It was ye, wasn’t it?” I asked, my heart in my throat. God, she was so beautiful and it had been so fucking long since I’d seen her. I wanted to reach out and run my hand down her bare arm just so I could feel her soft skin under my fingertips again.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about—”
“I don’t know how ye did it—” I had to stop to clear my throat. “I don’t know how ye knew dat she’d need dat car.”
“Who, Patrick? I’m sorry, I don’t know—”
“Me sweet Brenna,” I looked down at the floor and pulled my hand out of my pocket, so my fingers had room to fidget. “He would have killed her. He almost did.”
“Fuck,” she whispered, bracing her hand against the door.
“I know it was ye.”
“I don’t—”
“T’ank ye.”
“What?”
“I don’t care how ye knew. I don’t care what ye did. T’ank ye.”
“Is she alright?” she finally asked, dropping the pretense.
“He beat de shite out of her,” I choked, raising my hand to my face to try and turn the sob into a cough. “She’s in de hospital now, but she’ll be alright. And she doesn’t ever have to worry about him again.”
She searched my face thoughtfully, then nodded. “He’s visiting the good priest?”
I snorted, and shook my head at her choice of words. “Aye, dey’ve had similar experiences, yeah? Perhaps dey could compare notes.”
“Good,” she replied, her jaw firming.
I had no idea how she’d ended up meeting Brenna outside that grocery store in Stayton. It was too odd to be a coincidence, but I had no idea how she’d pulled it off. The fact was—she had—and she’d given my baby the tool she needed to get away from the sorry bastard she’d married. I would never understand why she’d done it, and I’d never be able to repay her.
She’d stepped in when she didn’t have to and saved my child.
“Of course, de priest’s brudder may be dere, too,” I said softly after a moment, watching her closely. “Dough his experiences would make dem t’ankful for dere own.”
Her lower lip trembled as tears filled her eyes and her fingertips went white where they gripped the door. My stomach clenched at her expression and I wondered for a second if I’d done the wrong thing.
I’d respected her wishes all those years ago, but that hadn’t meant that I’d forgotten. It only meant that I hadn’t contacted her when I’d made sure the men she feared no longer walked the earth. She’d wanted me to leave her alone, and I had. After I’d made sure that the monsters who’d hurt her had paid.
“He had a rough time of it then?” she asked through her teeth, her nostrils flaring as she took in a deep breath.
“His mot’er would not have known him,” I answered honestly.
A sob came out of her mouth, but I kept my distance. Years ago, I would have taken her into my arms and comforted her, but there was a wide gap between us now that I didn’t know how to breach. All I knew with certainty was that she did not want me to touch her.
“Thank you, Patrick,” she said, her voice hoarse. I nodded, opening my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
“Trick? What the hell are you doing here?” Nix called out, walking up the open stairs to Amy’s apartment.
“Just stopped by to have a word wit’ yer mum,” I answered, stepping away from Amy’s door. “Ye look good, boyo.”
“Thanks, man.” He leaned in to give me a hug, and I gripped him hard, thumping his back
twice as I let go.
I hadn’t seen the boy in far too long, though I was sure Amy would have disagreed. From the emotionless look on her face, I knew she hated that we’d kept in contact at all. I wondered if she knew that we spoke on the phone every couple of weeks, or that he always brought his bike down to Eugene for fixing up.
I hadn’t set out to keep in contact with Nix. In fact, I hadn’t thought of him at all in the first few weeks after I’d left. I’d been too busy taking care of first Kevin—in a warehouse outside of Dallas—and then Malcolm, in the back room of Casey Dillon’s pub.
Sometimes, late at night, I thought about the night I’d caught up with Malcolm, wishing I could do it all over again. He’d been easy to get a hold of, drunk off his fat arse in a pub not far from his mum’s. I’d had to wait until he’d sobered up to start in because I hadn’t wanted him to miss any of it or neglect to realize the reason for my visit. By the time the alcohol had mostly left his system, he was tied to a chair with a rag in his mouth, bleeding to death from the rough castration I’d performed.
It had been too quick, and I’d left feeling unsatisfied and uncomfortable in my own skin, as if I’d missed something. The feeling had plagued me for years.
It hadn’t been until after I’d arrived back in Eugene, weary and ready to be home for a while with Brenna, that I’d gotten a phone call at the shop. Phoenix had been pissed—going on and on about how I’d done something to his mother—how she’d been acting strange since I’d left, and had broken up with her boyfriend. I didn’t say much during that first call, I’d just let him take out his anger and his confusion on me over the telephone lines until he’d finally come to a ragged stop.
He’d called again a few weeks later, his anger still present.
Then again a few weeks after that, his anger mostly gone.
It went on like that for months, until one day when he called the shop, there wasn’t one heated word. Instead, he’d told me about school, and the dirt bike his mum had helped him buy. After that, he called regularly, just to visit, and I never gave any indication that his calls weren’t welcome. At first he’d been my only connection to Amy, but it hadn’t taken long before I was anxious for his calls just to know that he was doing alright. I’d begun to care for him when we’d met again in Texas, but as the calls continued, I grew to love him with a ferocity that I hadn’t understood was possible for a child that didn’t belong to me.
I knew even then that the lad had a long road ahead of him—especially in that tiny Texas town where being different wasn’t so popular. I’d breathed a sigh of relief when he and Amy had moved to Portland—a city that got off on sticking out in a crowd.
“Are you coming in for dinner? Mum’s making—”
My heart thumped hard and began to race.
“Patrick can’t stay,” Amy announced firmly with a small shake of her head.
“Yer mum’s right, I was just on my way t’rough,” I told him, respecting her choice, but hating that I couldn’t speak up. I’d never understood how my da could walk away from us without even arguing until that moment, when I knew that I’d let her push me away again without a protest.
I wasn’t about to cause a rift between her and Nix because I had the overwhelming urge to push her inside the apartment and tell her I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Through Portland?”
“Right.”
“Hey, how’s Brenna doing?” he asked, looking between his mum and I as if he knew a secret. I almost laughed at his attempt to make Amy uncomfortable. He had no idea that I’d figured it out.
“She’s healin’,” I said with a small smile. “And she’s havin’ another babe.”
“Congratulations!” Nix swung one of his long arms out and slapped my shoulder, and I couldn’t help but be proud of the self-assured man he’d become.
He was a good lad, there was no doubt about that.
I heard a small noise, and my head whipped toward Amy. I wasn’t even sure it had come from her until I saw the frown on her face.
“She’s pregnant?” she asked sympathetically.
“Aye,” I answered, confused for a moment. “She and Dragon—a lad from de club—are havin’ anot’er.”
“Wait, what?”
“They have me oldest granddaughter, and now another on de way.”
“Okay,” she said hesitantly, her face still confused.
“It’s a long ass story, Mum,” Nix said, taking off his coat as he moved inside.
“Well, it was nice to see you again Patrick,” Amy declared abruptly, as if she was afraid I’d follow Nix into the house. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“I’ll call you later this week,” Nix yelled as Amy began closing the door. “My bike is rattling and I can’t figure out where the fuck it’s coming from.”
“Talk to ye soon, boyo,” I called back. Then I met Amy’s guarded eyes and gave her a small nod before I forced myself to walk away.
I’d been anxious to see her, and thankful that I’d been given a reason to do so … but as I left her apartment complex that evening, I wondered if it would have been better if I’d not seen her at all. The pain I’d felt in my chest the last time she’d ordered me from her house came back with startling intensity as I climbed on my bike.
Christ, when would I stop having such a visceral reaction to the woman? I had any pussy I wanted at the club, my vice-president patch and big cock enough of an aphrodisiac for any of the whores—but twenty minutes in the company of one woman and I wanted to either fuck only her forever or be celibate for the rest of my bloody life.
When I looked at her, I didn’t see the forty-year-old woman with laugh lines bracketing her eyes and mouth. I saw her at eighteen, smooth skinned and adoring as she’d looked at me from inside my sheets.
I missed the smell of her, the taste of her, the feel of her, and the ache for her didn’t fade no matter how long we’d spent apart.
I deliberately blanked my mind as I started up my bike and pulled out of the small parking lot. There was no use trying to figure out why she affected me so strongly; it just was, and I didn’t believe that would ever change.
I belonged to her no matter how much she hated me.
***
“Hey, Pop!” Brenna called out across the noisy room, making my head snap up in surprise. “Did I leave Leo’s blanket in your room earlier?”
I shook my head, not even bothering to try and yell over the music and laughter that surrounded me. I was tired, so goddamn tired.
I’d been living in the clubhouse for a fuck of a long time, and the constant buzz of people in and out was finally getting old. Christ, maybe it was just me that was getting old. I’d sold my house back when Brenna had gotten married because I’d hated going home to the quiet, but lately I’d been missing that silence.
It was as if the younger lads saw me as some sort of den mother, and more often than not, they’d been coming to me with bullshite problems that I had no interest in solving. I didn’t care who was fucking who, or which little prick had forgotten to pick up the kegs from behind the bar. I just didn’t give a shit.
It had been over two years since the last time I’d seen Amy, and I think the visit had fucked me up more than I’d realized at the time. Before I’d stopped by her apartment that day, I’d let myself believe in the back of my mind that she’d come back to me at some point. That in some alternate reality, she’d been waiting for me to make the first move—and as long as I hadn’t seen her, I’d been able to perpetuate that lie in my head.
I could no longer do so.
I’d seen Phoenix eight or nine times in the past two years, and I’d not seen Amy even once.
“It was in Slider’s room,” Brenna mumbled into my ear before climbing over the back of the couch I was sitting on. “Whatcha doin’, Pop?”
“Havin’ a beer and watchin’ Casper act like a woman,” I answered, pointing the neck of my bottle toward where the kid was smiling goofily at his girl.
 
; “Be nice, they’re cute.”
“Don’t know about cute—good thing he worships the ground she walks on, though.”
“No shit—Slider would kill him.”
“Slowly,” I agreed.
“Everyone’s settling down lately and having babies,” she said tiredly, resting her head on my shoulder. “You ever wish you had more kids after me?”
“Yer ma couldn’t have any more after ye,” I reminded her.
“That’s not what I asked.”
I was quiet for a moment, thinking back to the day I’d asked Amy to marry me. “Aye, I thought about more children. At one point, I thought I’d have a houseful.”
“You’re still young, you know. You have time.”
“Yer delusional,” I said through a laugh. “That time is long gone.”
“At least an old lady then.”
“Not sure that’ll happen either, lass.” I wrapped my arm around her and kissed the side of her head. “Don’t ye worry about yer old da. I’ve got everythin’ I need right here.”
“Of course you do, I’m awesome. God, I’m tired,” she moaned, relaxing even farther into my chest.
“Where are the babies?”
“Vera stayed at the house with them so Dragon and I could have some adult time, but shit, he’s over there playing pool with the boys and all I want to do is take a nap.” Her voice was muffled against my cut, and a memory hit me of her drooling all over the thing when she was cutting teeth.
“Close yer eyes, lass. I’ll wake ye up if anythin’ excitin’ happens.”
“I knew you were my favorite.”
“I better be.”
She fell asleep within minutes, and Dragon caught my eye from across the room, tilting his head to the side in question. I shook my head, letting him know she was fine where she was and leaned back into the couch. It had been a long time since my girl had fallen asleep curled up against me—I was going to savor it a little longer.
I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I woke up to my phone vibrating against my chest. Brenna had scooted down in her sleep and her curly red head was resting on my thigh, one hand tucked under her face and the other clutching Leo’s blanket like she was afraid she’d lose it again. My baby girl was a mum. Sometimes it was hard to believe it.