He swallowed hard, running his fingers down my jaw. “Ye’ll never know how sorry I am dat I wasn’t dere to help ye find all of dose pieces ye lost.”
“I don’t think I can leave you.” I murmured quietly.
“I don’t deserve for ye to stay.”
“What about what I deserve?”
“Ye deserve everyt’in’. Ye deserve everyt’in’ I promised ye and didn’t give ye.”
“Give it to me now.” I whispered, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
“Yer de best part of me. Ye know dat?” His eyes searched my face. “Yer de best part, and dat means ye’d be gettin’ de worst parts if ye stayed wit’ me.”
“Would you ever leave me again?”
“Me love,” he said tenderly, “I can’t even imagine ever lettin’ ye out of me sight again. But I’ll do it, I’ll sign de papers, if dat’s what ye want.”
“I’ve missed you so much—” my words cut off with a painful sob.
“And I’ve ached for ye. I’ve never stopped, wife. Not for one moment.”
I lurched forward, and he caught me.
He caught me.
“Shhh, don’t cry sweetheart,” he murmured into my ear, his own voice full of tears. “I’ve got ye. I know I’m late, me love, but I’m here now.”
Chapter 54
Patrick
I sat with Amy on the old cement floor, refusing to move a muscle even as my back began to ache and my feet fell asleep.
I didn’t understand why she was still there, why she’d curled against me and cried into my chest.
I was the reason for everything terrible in her life. Every hurt she’d endured and silent pain she’d felt fell on my shoulders. I didn’t know if I could bear the weight of that.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to live with myself, knowing what I’d done and what I hadn’t.
She continued to hiccup as her tears finally came to an end, but I was afraid to say a word. I’d once told her that I wasn’t a writer because I lacked the talent to string a sentence together with any sort of eloquence. That fact was still true as I sat silently with the love of my life in my arms, praying that she wouldn’t leave me, but unable to beg her to stay.
“Do you ever wonder how our lives would have turned out?” she asked timidly.
“Every single day of me life.”
“I don’t know if I would change it,” she whispered.
“I love our children,” I replied, kissing the top of her head. “But if I could go back, I’d never leave ye in Ireland.”
“Then I wouldn’t have Phoenix—”
“Ye don’t know dat, me love.” I argued, pulling her tighter against my body. “He may have still existed… just a bit smaller and wit’ red hair.”
“I’m afraid, Patrick,” she confessed.
“Of what?”
“That you’ll leave again. That my son hates me. That your daughter is going to hate me. That we’ll never figure this out.”
“Dat’s a lot of fears.”
“That’s the condensed version,” she said tiredly with a shrug of her shoulders.
“Let’s lay some of dose to rest, eh?”
“Your accent fades in and out.”
“What?” The change of subject startled me.
“When you’re upset it gets thicker, and then it sort of fades away as you calm down.”
“Aye. I’ve tried to master it for years. Sometimes I can keep a handle on it, but it’s actually harder to keep Mum’s accent out of me voice on a daily basis.”
“Why would you try to get rid of it?”
“Seemed like a good idea when I got here, and now it’s a tell, yeah? Not good to show emotion when ye do what I do.”
“What exactly do you do?”
“Now? Mostly I keep an eye on de boys, make sure everyt’in’s runnin' smooth. Used to do it all, and none of it ye want to hear about.”
“Malcolm called you something—The Butcher? Something like that.”
My stomach clenched at the bastard’s name, but I tried not to show any reaction, and made absolutely sure that my accent didn’t slip. She needed to feel comfortable talking about it if that was what she needed, without fear of me losing my shit. “It’s not somet’in’ I’m proud of.”
“You killed people.”
“Aye. Only men.”
“Bad men?”
“Some of dem.”
“Good men?”
“Yes.”
“Do you wish you could take it back?”
“I try not to t’ink on it.”
She nodded in understanding, then grew quiet again.
“I’m not going to leave ye. Not ever,” I said after a few moments.
“You promise?”
“I’ll not promise, dat word has little meanin’ between us now.” I leaned back and tilted her face up so I could meet her eyes. “Know dat I’ll never live a day wit’out lovin’ ye. De day I leave ye is de day dey put me in de ground.”
“What if I go first?”
“I’ll follow ye.”
“Do you think after everything we could actually make this work?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you so sure?”
“Because I won’t give up. No matter how angry ye get when old hurts pop up, or how long it takes until ye trust me again, I’ll be right here, lovin’ ye.”
Her eyes and her nose were red and swollen, testaments to the fact that she’d spent the last few hours upset, but she smiled tremulously.
“I can’t believe I said all that in front of your friends,” she said, shaking her head. “They must think I’m a lunatic.”
“Dey don’t t’ink anyt’in’ of de sort,” I argued in disbelief. “Dey t’ink ye lived through somet’in’ horrible—ye’ll find dat many of dem have dere own stories to tell. No shame in dat.”
We heard someone come to the door then, and Slider’s muffled voice telling them to move the fuck away.
Instinct had me moving Amy off me as the door opened, and we were both on our feet before I saw who it was.
“Pop?” I should have fuckin’ known it would be Brenna. I couldn’t imagine anyone else completely ignoring Slider.
I heard my president yelling as he came down the hall, and Brenna jumped before scooting inside the door.
“I went to the john for two fuckin’ minutes,” Slider said in apology as he stopped at the open doorway.
My mouth twitched and I turned in irritation to my daughter. “What do ye need, Brenna?”
I wanted to be alone with my wife, and I was a mix of frustration and worry as I watched my daughter fidget. I know she’d heard it all, and I wanted to explain, but not then. Not when Amy was silent behind me and I could feel her nervousness as if it were my own.
“Is it true? What she said—is it true?”
“Out, Brenna,” Slider growled, taking a step forward.
“She’s fine, Charlie,” Amy argued, stepping to the side so she could meet Brenna’s eyes.
“Were you telling the truth?” Brenna asked, her voice breaking.
I was so bloody torn. My little girl looked as if she was about to cry, but Amy’s hand was shaking against my back where she’d clutched my t-shirt in her fist.
“What’re ya doin’, baby?” Dragon asked as he pushed past Slider.
Jesus Christ, the entire fuckin’ club would be in my room soon.
“I just—” tears filled Brenna’s eyes and I was suddenly grateful that Dragon showed up, because he immediately pulled her into his side and I didn’t have to step away from Amy.
“You ready to go, Mum?” Nix called, making Slider throw his hands in the air and walk away.
I didn’t blame him. I wished I had locked the fucking door.
“I—” Amy looked between Phoenix and I, and I knew the instant she stopped being afraid of disappointing the boy in front of her and became his mum again.
“Sit down, Phoenix,” she said firmly, making his jaw drop. ?
??We’re going to need more chairs—” she glanced around the room, “—and scotch. I need a scotch.”
“I’ll take care of it,” Dragon offered, lifting Brenna’s face to kiss her on the lips before striding out the door.
I fucking hated when he did that, but I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable with his hands on her, but I’d realized over the last couple of years that he worshipped Brenna. I couldn’t really ask for more than that.
We watched each other silently until Dragon returned with two chairs, Grease right behind him carrying the Scotch and four glasses.
“Lock de door on yer way out,” I ordered as Grease left the room.
“We know you have questions,” Amy said, sitting gingerly on the bed. “And I understand, I do. But to understand it all, we have to start at the beginning.”
She looked at me with solemn eyes, and once again I saw the girl I’d married all those years ago.
The loveliest woman I’d ever seen.
***
Amy and I spoke for hours while the children watched and listened.
She spoke about how it was for her growing up with parents that didn’t care and described the day she’d met my mum, a story I’d never heard before.
I spoke about Ireland, growing up with my da gone, and studying at University.
We both spoke about the night we met and the few months before we were married.
I explained how I’d gotten pulled into fighting for a cause I wasn’t sure I believed in.
We described our wedding… and our marriage—about how young and full of dreams we’d been.
Amy described the morning my da died…I couldn’t speak past the lump in my throat.
We went over everything that had happened, both from my point of view and hers… and as we discussed the years apart, I think we both learned about things we hadn’t known or understood before.
By the time we were finished, the bottle of scotch was gone and I was fucking exhausted.
“I thought—” Brenna looked down at her thighs, resting on top of Dragon’s lap. “I guess I never knew that my mom—”
“Don’t go dere,” I warned gently, leaning forward from my perch on the edge of the bed. “I loved yer mum. I did. She gave me ye, and she was a good woman. A great one. But she knew I was married—dere were never any secrets between us.”
“She knew you were in love with someone else?” she asked dubiously, her hackles rising.
“Lass, ye were eight when she passed,” I replied tiredly, trying to find the words to put her at ease. “Yer memories of us are dose of a child. Aye, she knew, and she accepted it.”
“How could she just accept it?”
“She wasn’t in love wit’ me, eit’er,” I answered, raising my hands palms up.
Brenna went silent then, and I turned my eyes to Nix. He was sitting close to the door with his arms crossed over his chest. His knuckles were raw and torn, and for the first time since I’d entered my room, I wondered what my face must look like.
“Do you have any questions, Phoenix?” Amy asked calmly. It seemed the farther into the story we’d gone, the more her natural self-assuredness came forward. It was such an innate part of her. I hated that it had been beaten back over and over again, and I hated even more that I’d been too blind to realize it. The backbone in that woman was amazing, staying strong and straight even as she crumbled.
“I’m the product of rape,” he replied quietly. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to that.”
“Don’t you ever say that again,” she replied harshly, making him look up in surprise. “You saved me, Phoenix Robert Gallagher. If you hadn’t come along, I would have been dead.”
My stomach tightened to the point of pain at her words, the memory of her haunted eyes and shaved head like a knife piercing my gut.
“I don’t understand how you can even look at me,” he mumbled, wiping his hand down his face.
Amy stood then, her shoulders straight and jaw tight.
“When I look at you,” she said softly, walking forward to cup Nix’s face in her palms, “I see my salvation. I see the boy who looked at me like I was the miracle. I see the reason I was able to go on living and the sole purpose of my life. You, my son, are not a product of anything but God’s mercy on a broken girl who needed something to hold on to.”
He sobbed then, just once, and I looked away to give him a small bit of privacy. It was not my place to intrude on them, and as I looked toward Brenna, I saw her crying quietly into Dragon’s neck. He was rubbing her back soothingly, but his jaw was clenched as he stared at the wall.
Amy and Nix whispered for a few minutes longer before he stood up and took her in his arms. He held her gently, and for the first time I got a glimpse into the way he treated her when it was just the two of them. I knew that a lot of that came from Amy and the way she’d raised him—but it had a lot to do with the man Nix was, too, down to the core of him. He genuinely cared for his mother, not only loved her but liked her, and he was willing to stand up for her no matter the consequences. Christ, he’d beaten the hell out of the vice-president of the Aces Motorcycle Club inside the fucking clubhouse.
“I’ll be back tomorrow,” he said, as he let go of his mum. He turned to me then, and looked closely at my face in satisfaction. “I’m not sorry I hit you, you deserved it.”
“I did,” I replied with a nod, standing up.
“I don’t understand all this.” He waved his arm around the room. “But I’m willing to keep my mouth shut. She loves you. Still. After everything. And I know you love her, I’ve known it since I was sixteen.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he shook his head. “We’ll talk tomorrow. I need—I just need to get out of here for a while.”
“Ye okay to drive?” I asked before I could stop myself. Shit, he didn’t want me worrying about him, and I was on very thin ice as it was.
His mouth twitched in an almost smile and nodded before walking out of the room.
“We’re going to head out, too,” Dragon said, pushing Brenna to her feet. I was glad to see she’d gotten the tears under control because I was barely hanging onto my own as it was.
“I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through,” Brenna said kindly to Amy, taking a step forward. “And I want you to know that I remember what you did for me.”
Amy nodded, swallowing harshly.
“You didn’t have to do that, but you did. You helped me escape.” Brenna shook her head. “You’ll never know how much that means to me. I don’t know if I would have done the same.”
“You would have,” Amy replied with conviction. “If the man you loved had a child, you’d do anything to protect her.”
“But I was the reason—”
“You weren’t the reason for anything, sweetheart,” Amy interrupted. “I won’t lie and say that I didn’t resent you at first—I did. But I got over it pretty fucking quick, because blaming a person for being born is asinine. That’s like blaming the sun for shining during a hangover.”
Brenna chuffed out a surprised laugh. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Brenna moved to me, and I couldn’t believe the feeling of relief I felt as I held her in my arms. I’d pushed it down, refusing to give it voice, but I’d been terrified that once she’d known everything, she’d hate me. I was not the hero she’d believed me to be as a child—I was a man, and not a good one.
“I’m so sorry for everything you went through,” she said again, this time into my ear.
“No, I—”
“You may not have lived through it, but I know that you’re going to deal with a lot of guilt… probably for the rest of your life. If something happened to Dragon, I don’t know how I’d deal.” Her arms tightened around my waist. “I love you, Pop, and I’m sorry that you had to live for thirty years without the woman you love. The thought of being without Dragon guts me, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.?
??
“I love ye, too, lass,” I whispered past the lump forming in my throat.
I’d felt the urge to cry more times in the past six hours than I had in twenty years.
I understood that everyone made choices that they later regretted, some large and some small. It was human to get it wrong, to not see the larger picture until it was too late. But I didn’t know how to reconcile that with the decisions I’d made.
“I’m not sleeping in those sheets,” Amy told me quietly after everyone was gone. “They smell like some teeny-bopper store at the mall.”
My shoulders slumped as I remembered the scene she’d walked into when she first got there. Christ, I couldn’t get anything right.
“I didn’t fuck her,” I replied, making Amy flinch.
“It is what it is, right?” she sighed, looking around the room. “But if it happens—”
“Of course it won’t—”
“I’ll leave you, Patrick.” She said solemnly. “I can’t take any more. I can’t.”
I stepped forward and jerked the sheets and blankets off the bed, rolling them into a ball and tossing them in the hallway. I’d make a prospect wash them in the morning… or burn them.
“I don’t want anyone but ye,” I told her, pulling two of the quilts Mum had made me out of a chest against the wall and laying them flat on the bed. I paused, suddenly ashamed that I didn’t have somewhere nicer for her to sleep. “Honest to God, Amy? I don’t see anyone but ye.”
She nodded and slipped her skirt down her hips, making my breath catch in my throat. Her legs were long and strong, and she was wearing the same little shorts that she’d had on the last time I’d seen her.
“I’m sorry I don’t have somewhere better for ye to sleep,” I murmured, clenching my jaw as she climbed in between the quilts. “I’ll find a place—”
“This is fine, baby,” she replied, relaxing into the bed.
Baby.
My chest grew so tight as she watched me that I couldn’t breathe. She was in my bed. I didn’t deserve for her to even glance in my direction on the street, and there she was, in my bed.