Holy shit.
Her moan was high pitched and sounded almost painful as she came around me.
I couldn’t stop my orgasm. The surprise of hers and the way her muscles gripped me pulled me right over the edge.
Well, shit. That had never happened before.
“Good Lord.” She groaned as I panted above her, not ready to pull out quite yet. “I take it back, these pregnancy hormones are the shit.”
“You think you’re in labor yet?” I asked, leaning down to rest on my forearms above her so I could reach her lips.
“Nope,” she answered against my mouth.
“We’ll just have to try again.”
“Damn right,” she said with a tired smile.
Chapter 39
Farrah
After two days of reconnecting with Cody, I went into labor.
I don’t think the sex worked, but the relaxed state of my body probably helped.
It took ten hours from start to finish, and most of those hours were spent walking the maternity floor. So. Very. Boring. Then after getting an epidural—I was no masochist—just fifteen minutes of pushing like my life depended on it and she was there.
My room was full of people, including two nurses, the doctor, Gram, Cody, and Callie. But when they placed my baby on my chest for the first time, everyone else faded away.
She was bald as a cue ball, covered in nasty white gunk, her skin all red and wrinkled. Perfection.
“You did good, Ladybug,” Cody murmured, covering my hand on her back with his own.
“I pretty much rocked it.” I nodded, sniffling.
The entire room burst into laughter, and I closed my eyes to take it in. I was done. After months of waiting and impatience, she was finally there.
“You’re not done yet, Mama,” the doctor reminded me, pulling me out of my bliss. Crap.
Cody cut the cord connecting us, and he didn’t leave her side as they took her to the side of the room as I finished pushing out all traces of my pregnancy. It was seriously unpleasant.
“Six pounds, eight ounces!” Cody called excitedly.
“We’re gonna go outside and give you guys a little time,” Gram said, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “You did real good. Way better than Callie.”
“Hey! Extenuating circumstances! My guy wasn’t there!” Callie argued with a smile, bumping her hip against Gram as she leaned down to give me a hug. “She’s gorgeous,” she whispered in my ear. “Nice work.”
When it was just me and Cody, I scooted gingerly to the side of the bed so he could sit with me. They’d piled shit under me while I was laboring, and like magic, had whisked it all away when I was done, leaving me on clean sheets. Those nurses knew what they were doing.
“She looks like you,” I murmured as he handed her to me.
“Yeah.” His voice was barely audible as he watched her. “She’s got your eyebrows, though.”
I searched her face, almost completely devoid of any eyebrows. “How do you know? You can barely see them.”
“God wouldn’t saddle a girl with these things,” he replied seriously, making me smile.
“I can’t believe she’s finally here.”
“Me either. We should probably name her,” he reminded me.
We hadn’t talked about it, even though people had been asking us her name for months. I didn’t know why he’d never brought it up, but I’d been too nervous. It had felt like I’d be jinxing her or something if I named her before she was born. Like tempting fate.
“I want to name her after Gram,” I said.
“Yeah?”
There was a knock on the door, and both of us looked toward it as it opened a few inches.
“Can I come in?” Slider called quietly.
He’d been cool, showing up at the hospital after news had spread around the club. He hadn’t bothered me, or got in my face, but he’d spent the entire ten hours in the waiting room with Vera and other club members.
My little circle had grown once again over the last few months, the members and their wives slowly but surely connecting with me like they should have in the beginning. It was odd, and I wasn’t completely comfortable with it, but I kind of liked it too. It was like a big family, a completely dysfunctional and awkward one.
“Sure,” I replied to Slider, glancing up to Cody for affirmation.
“Yeah, man, come on in.”
“How you feelin’?” Slider asked as he made his way farther into the room.
“Okay. Tired.”
“I bet.” He limped nervously toward the bed, trying to hide his unease. The man everyone else feared was uncomfortable around me, and it was just the slightest bit endearing.
“Damn, she doesn’t look nothin’ like you,” he said honestly, immediately snapping his mouth closed in embarrassment.
Cody laughed.
“Nope. Thanks for pointing that out,” I answered dryly.
“Fuck.” He hissed through his teeth, rubbing a hand over his beard.
“It’s fine,” I reassured him. “Want to hold her?”
“Uh, no. I better not.” He raised his hands out as if holding me off. “You hold her.”
“Aw, come on. You’re her grandpa,” I said in a wheedling tone.
I don’t know if it was the drugs they’d given me or the endorphins still flowing through me, but suddenly and without any warning, I realized that I loved Slider. Maybe not the way I’d love a parent—not the way I loved Gram—but maybe like I’d love a distant uncle. One that I knew loved me, but I didn’t feel quite comfortable with.
“Her grandpa?” he questioned, his body freezing.
“Uh . . .” I looked to Cody, who was watching me with an amused smile. “Well, yeah. Aren’t you? I mean—”
“I can be her grandpa,” Slider assured me quickly. “Sure. Yeah.”
We watched each other in uncomfortable silence until Cody lifted the baby gently from my arms and climbed off the bed. He walked around to Slider, and without any warning laid her against Slider’s chest, forcing him to wrap his hands around her little body.
“Whoa,” Slider mumbled, looking into her face in awe. “She’s small. Really small. They check her out and everything?”
“You wouldn’t think she was small if you’d just pushed her out.” I’d been joking, then realized he was deadly serious. “No, yeah, she’s fine,” I assured him. “They said everything looked good. She’s not even that small for a newborn.”
“Good,” he replied with a nod. “You were bald too. Natasha tell you that?”
“No.” I cleared my throat as an emotion I couldn’t name hit me. “No, she didn’t talk to me about stuff like that.”
“Ah, well, she didn’t really see you much when you were this little.” His comment did nothing to help the knot in my throat. I gripped Cody’s hand as he sat back down beside me, and he leaned over to kiss the side of my still sweaty head.
“You were bald,” Slider told me again. “And you were tiny. Too tiny. But it didn’t take you long to catch up where you were supposed to be. Probably because you never fuckin’ slept, always eatin’.”
He glanced up to gauge my reaction, and whatever he saw on my face made him continue. “You were a pain in the ass,” he told me with a smile. “Always wantin’ to be held, refused to sleep, hated havin’ your diaper changed. Always needin’ somethin’, swear to Christ, I didn’t fuck Vera for months.” His cheeks turned ruddy as he realized what he’d just said.
“Great.” Cody huffed, and I elbowed him in the side as Slider scowled.
“You were lighter than this,” Slider continued, ignoring Cody. “Your skin was so pale, I could see all the tiny little veins in your head. Freaked me out, but Vera said it was normal.”
“Is she here?” I asked.
“Yeah, she’s been waitin’, pacin’ the floors,” he answered with a smile. “I know you don’t know her, don’t feel like she’s your parent, and that’s fine. We understand it. But Vera, well, she
’s always considered you hers.”
I took a minute to digest his words, running over in my mind the months that I’d barely seen her, the times when I’d needed her but wouldn’t have let her near me if she’d tried. I wondered how that felt—knowing that the child you’d loved all their life didn’t want you anywhere near them—and I came to a decision.
“You can go get her if you want,” I said quietly, the words tasting weird on my tongue. “Wait, you can’t take the baby out with you!”
“Oh shit, right,” he answered, walking back to hand her to me. “I’ll be right back, she’ll be pleased as fuck. I’ll be right back.” His words were rambling and fast, and I felt my stomach jump as he leaned down and kissed my forehead before leaving the room.
I’d felt that stomach jolt only once before, when Slider had kissed the back of my head after slaying my demons a few years ago. I hadn’t liked the feeling then. My skin had felt too small for my body, crawling and itching until he’d walked away. But the sensation felt different sitting in that hospital with my daughter snuggled up close to my body. It felt . . . almost comforting.
“How about Cecilia?” I asked Cody abruptly.
“What?” he asked, distracted by running his fingers over our daughter’s hands.
“Do you like Cecilia?”
“Isn’t that the—”
“Yeah, that was my name. Before.”
“You sure, baby? Can’t exactly take it back once you decide,” he warned, making me second-guess myself.
“I guess not,” I said. Damn, it had seemed like a good idea. But maybe he was right, and I’d hate it once my mushy gushy feelings were gone again.
“I like it, Ladybug,” he replied, leaning down to kiss me softly on the lips. “I think it’s beautiful. I like that it gives her some of your history, that it’s something you can pass on to her. Plus, it’s the girliest name I’ve ever fucking heard, and my girl’s a princess. She needs a girly princess name.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, worried. God, who knew picking a name would be so completely nerve racking? How did people have the balls to name their kids weird shit? Weren’t they afraid they’d hate it later when they had to yell for Rufus or Tomahawk to come in for dinner every night?
“Yeah, Cecilia Rose Butler. Got a nice ring to it, right?”
“It kind of does,” I said, my mouth starting to curve up at the edges.
“Then that’s her name.” He leaned down again to take my mouth in a deep kiss. “God, I fucking love you.”
“Back atcha, handsome.”
“Hey,” Vera’s scratchy voice called from the doorway. “You want us to come back later?” She looked nervous, pulling on the bottom of her sweatshirt with fidgety hands.
“Come in!” I called cheerfully, trying to put her at ease.
Exhaustion was starting to set in, my movements growing sluggish as I leaned my head back against the pillows, but I refused to fall asleep yet. Having Vera in my hospital room seemed important somehow, and at first I couldn’t figure out why. But as she came toward the bed and leaned down to take a look at Cecilia, I understood.
I wanted to show off. Like a kid who brings an art project home from school, dying to show it to their parent for validation. I wanted her to be proud of me, as weird as that was. I wanted to show her that I could do something incredible. And a small part of me wanted her to know that so she’d know that I did just fine without her.
I’d never been completely rational . . . or nice.
“Oh, look at her,” she cooed, leaning over us but keeping her distance. “She looks just like you.”
I looked up in surprise, confused after the conversation we’d just had with Slider, and saw that she was completely sincere. She wasn’t trying to get on my good side, or blow smoke up my ass; in her mind Cecilia looked just like me, no matter the evidence to the contrary. I knew then that she was seeing what she wanted to see—a miniature version of her child.
That’s when I began to love Vera.
“Want to hold her?” I asked groggily, nodding my head at her.
As soon as she’d picked Cecilia up, I turned my face into Cody’s chest. “Tired,” I mumbled, my eyes already closed. “Sorry.”
“It’s all right, Ladybug,” he replied, running his hand through my hair before cupping the back of my head. “I’ll take care of Cecilia. Get some sleep.”
I heard Vera inhale sharply but ignored it, falling asleep within seconds.
Later, I’d look through the photos that Callie took and see that Dragon and Brenna had brought Cameron to the hospital to visit us. The poor kid looked haggard as he’d held Cecilia in his arms, but strangely proud too—his chest puffed out in all the photos. I’d see photos of Grease helping Will hold the baby, the disgusted look on Will’s face changing the scene from something tender to something hilarious. Photos of the man they called Doc, unwrapping Cecilia and counting her fingers and toes. There were pictures of Slider and Vera, Grease and Callie, Dragon and Brenna, and Gram and Lily. But my favorite—the one I’d blow up and frame for Cecilia’s bedroom wall—was a picture of Cody sleeping on the bed next to me, his head resting against the top of mine, with Cecilia sleeping against his chest.
I’d slept through all of their visits. Giving birth was exhausting.
Chapter 40
Farrah
“Why the fuck are we doing this, again?” Cody complained, hanging cloth diapers on a little wooden rack I’d found at the dollar store.
“Because your daughter has sensitive fucking skin, and we can’t use any of the disposable brands,” I snapped back.
We were . . . struggling. A little. Okay, a lot.
Things hadn’t been easy since we’d come home from the hospital, and we were both feeling the lack of sleep. Gram had helped out, and for the first couple of weeks the women of the club had taken shifts, bringing dinner and staying to hold the baby so we could shower and nap. But the help had gradually tapered off, and now that Cecilia was almost three months old, we were pretty much on our own.
“I can’t believe she’s still sleeping,” he said with a sigh. “This must be a record . . . and it’s the middle of the day.”
“I know.” I sat down hard on the couch as he hung up the last diaper. “God, I don’t know if I want you to bend me over the kitchen table and fuck me, or take a freaking nap.”
“I vote kitchen table,” he mumbled before looking at me, then changed his mind. “Ah, a nap would probably be better.”
“I hate this.” I sniffled. “I just want a little time and energy to have sex.”
“She’ll figure it out, baby,” he reassured me. “She’s only two and a half months old.”
“She’s three months!”
“Right. Practically an old lady.”
“Shut up. I’m going to take a shower. Want to share?” I asked, dragging myself off the couch.
“Sure.” He followed me to the hallway, but paused when someone knocked on the front door. “I’ll be right there, Ladybug. Start the shower.”
I gave him a kiss and dragged myself to the bathroom. I didn’t care who was at the door; I just hoped he could get rid of them fast. We’d barely had any time alone since Cecilia was born, and we needed it. I was tired as hell, but even if we didn’t have sex, I’d be just as happy to touch his skin and feel him against me.
I was completely naked and waiting for the water to heat up when Cecilia started to cry. Shit. My boobs started leaking all over the place, and I scrambled to grab a towel off the rack so I didn’t drip all over the floor.
Fantastic.
I wrapped the towel around myself and headed toward where she was screaming in the living room. Why hadn’t Cody picked her up?
When I got to the end of the hallway, I slammed to a stop, taking in the scene in front of me.
Cody was frozen, staring at the woman whose husband had been killed as a traitor. Roberta. She was speaking, but I couldn’t hear her over Cecilia’s cries, so I hustled i
nto the living room to calm the baby down. It only took me a second to get her latched on and a receiving blanket tossed over my shoulder. I was getting pretty damn good at the whole breast-feeding thing.
“I want to know why you killed her,” Roberta pleaded with Cody, her hands raised in supplication. “I know it was you, I hear the talk. I just don’t understand why she was there. Please, make me understand why my baby was in that place.”
“Go home, Roberta,” Cody said flatly, his tone making my stomach drop. “You know all there is to know.”
He started to close the door in her face, and she braced her hands against it. “Please, what if it was your baby? You’d want to know, right? Please! Please tell me what happened.”
Cody’s entire body flinched at her words, before tensing again. “Get the fuck outta my house,” he growled, slamming the door in her face as she cried.
“The fuck was that?” I whispered, tightening my hold on Cecilia.
“Not now, Farrah.” He brushed past me, walking toward the bedroom, and I spun to follow him.
“What the hell?”
“I gotta run in to the club for a little while,” he said as he sat down on the edge of the bed to pull on his boots. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
“Are you serious right now? I’m standing here practically naked with a baby attached to my boob and you’re leaving?”
“You got it under control, Ladybug,” he murmured, kissing my slack mouth. “Not like I can help ya anyway.”
“Uh, yeah, I guess,” I mumbled as he stepped away and started putting his keys and wallet into his pockets. “Why was Roberta here?”
“Nothing for you to worry about, baby,” he answered dismissively.
Things had been good between us for the last few months, great even. We’d been stressed, sure, but who wouldn’t be with a newborn baby? Underneath that stress had been something solid and sure. A safe place to land, a security net that I’d been so sure would hold.
As I watched him move around the room, I felt that security net start to fray.
I was losing him. Something was happening that I didn’t understand, but I could feel it, like the way the hair on my arms prickled during a lightning storm. He was going to run, and I had no choice but to stand there in a towel, feeding our daughter, and let him do it.