“An entire year?” The thought of a little carrot-topped Patrick turning up his nose and refusing to answer to anything but the name he’d chosen had me in a fit of giggles.
“We’re almost dere, and if ye don’t want me givin’ de Sisters somet’in’ to talk about, ye’ll quit laughin’,” he warned as a red flush began creeping up his neck.
The heat in his eyes left no doubt as to the show he was about to put on, so I pressed my lips tightly together in order to hold the laughter back. He was so… charming. Every time I thought I knew him, he gave me something else to think about.
He’d also taken my mind off the nervous butterflies in my stomach.
“Here we are,” he announced with a flourish as we reached the school. For the first time since I’d started there, I hated that the walk was so short.
“Thank you, Patrick,” I said softly, leaning up to kiss his cheek before turning away and walking quickly toward the front door of the school.
“I didn’t know ye’d be de one givin’ de Sisters somet’in’ to talk about!” he called after me, smiling as I turned my head to glare.
I turned back around and reached up as if to smooth down the back of my hair with my left hand, curling my pointer finger down as I did so, flipping him off as secretly as I could. A smile spread across my face as I heard him roar with laughter behind me.
“Dat’s not how we do it here!” I lifted the pointer back up, and as I walked into the building I heard him yell, “Dere it is!” as one of the Sisters shushed him.
***
School was pretty much as I’d suspected. People were talking about me. I heard the whispers in the restrooms when girls didn’t know that I was there…but surprisingly, everyone left me alone. I got the impression that the girls were almost in awe of me, which made very little sense. They hadn’t given two shits that I was some exotic American when I’d first started, and I couldn’t find a reason why moving out after I’d turned eighteen would garner any more of a reaction.
It wasn’t until the second week of Patrick walking me to school that I finally understood what the fuss was about.
“Hello, Trick,” one of the popular girls called flirtatiously as she passed me and Patrick in front of the school. We’d started waiting at the front of the school until the very last minute before we parted ways. I think he was growing anxious about leaving Ballyshannon, his trip home already longer than he’d planned.
He nodded to her with a smile, and I clenched my teeth so hard I heard my jaw pop.
“What the fuck was that?”
“What?” He looked at me as if I’d grown two heads. “Caitlin?”
“You know her?”
“We’ve met. Yes.” His voice became amused, and rather than kicking him in the nuts like I wanted to, I tried to spin away. It was an overreaction to a frigging head nod, but it rankled just the same. I couldn’t seem to stop the wave of jealousy that rolled over me.
We’d been cocooned in our own little bubble for over a week, and it had given me an unrealistic view of our relationship. In our bubble, it was just me, Patrick, Peg and sometimes Kevie. Up until that point, I hadn’t had to deal with other girls vying for his attention, and knowing that Caitlin had probably known him much longer than I had made me green.
It was completely illogical, but that didn’t make it any less real. I was the one sleeping in his bed—though he slept on the couch. I was the one who was learning to make his favorite foods. I was the one helping Peg string up his boxers and undershirts to dry in the small backyard. I knew him better than anyone, and it pissed me off that Caitlin thought she could flirt with him right in front of me. Even worse, he let her.
He was mine.
“Amy? What is it?” He wrapped his arm around my waist, causing one of the nuns to glare at us. “Why are ye angry?”
“I’m not.”
“Ye are.” He turned me around and searched my face for a moment before grinning slyly. “Yer jealous.”
“I am not!”
“Oh, yes. Ye are. And ye’ve no reason to be.” He grabbed my hand and started tugging me down the sidewalk away from the school. No matter how hard I tried to pull away, his grip didn’t let up, and soon we’d made it around the corner and into an alleyway.
“I’m going to be late!”
He didn’t answer me, but as soon as the last word left my lips, his mouth was on mine, his hands digging into my hair. His tongue licked inside, rubbing against my own, and I groaned as my body relaxed into his.
“Ye’ve no reason to be jealous,” he told me between kisses. “I want ye.”
“Then why haven’t you kissed me in over a week?” I asked breathlessly. Our hands were roaming over anything we could reach without disrupting our clothing, and I somehow found myself pushed against the cold brick behind me as his hips ground into mine.
“Can ye imagine it?” he groaned into my neck, running his hands just under where my skirt met my thighs. “If I touch ye in de house, while no one’s around? Dere’ll be no stoppin’ us den.”
“Good,” I whispered, running my hand down his back.
“No.” His hands found mine where they’d begun digging into his ass, and brought them up, pinning my wrists at each side of my head. “We’ve talked about dis.”
“That doesn’t mean I agree with it!”
“Ye’ll not give yer virginity away like a whore wit’out me ring on yer finger,” he replied darkly.
I gasped in shock, and if he hadn’t been pinning my hands, I would have hit him.
“You’re such an asshole!”
“Would ye like to know how I know Caitlin?” he asked angrily. “Everyone knows her.”
“I hate you.”
“Ye love me, and ye’ll marry me. All I’m askin’ is for ye to fuckin’ wait.”
“Wait? Will you be waiting? You’ve obviously had sex already!” An emotion I couldn’t place flashed over his face before it turned to a glare. He refused to give an inch, and I felt myself grow angrier and angrier until I couldn’t stop the words that spilled from my mouth. “That’s bullshit and you know it,” I said, the words low and mean. “Maybe we should just stop what we’re doing right now and we’ll meet again on an even playing field.”
“What de fuck does dat mean?” The veins in his neck bulged as he leaned closer to my face.
“Exactly what I said.”
“Ye let anot’er man touch ye and I’ll fuckin’ kill him,” he whispered back, angrier than I’d ever seen him. “Go back to school, ye fuckin’ infant.”
He pushed off the wall and stalked away without another word as I leaned frozen against the wall. I hated the way he made all of our decisions, sure, but I knew he was doing what he thought was best. I didn’t know why I’d said those things; I didn’t want anyone else. I’d instantly regretted my words, but my pride refused to let me call out to stop him from walking away.
Instead, I just stood in that alleyway for long minutes, miserable and trying not to cry.
***
I was so late to school, I should have just gone home, but I was too afraid to see Patrick again. I knew that his feelings weren’t uncommon; there were still a lot of men who preferred their wives to be virgins when they married. It just seemed so unfair. Why did he get to have sex with whomever he wanted and was revered for it, while any type of perceived promiscuity on my part would label me a whore? It was so frustrating! That morning when he said he’d known Caitlin, I hadn’t thought about the way he’d said it—like he was one of many she’d had sex with. The only thing that had registered was that she knew him in a way that I didn’t, and that killed me. I just wanted to be closer to him and I wanted to stop feeling frustrated all the time.
I wanted to tether myself to him in that final way so I’d know he wouldn’t leave me.
I barely made it through the day, so unfocused and depressed that I was asked repeatedly if I was okay. I wasn’t, not in any sense of the word. My hands and arms had broken out in hiv
es within the first hour of classes, and the physical discomfort made me even more miserable.
I could barely believe it, but I was beginning to miss the predictability of my life before I’d moved to Ireland. My parents had been awful, but at least with them I’d had a sense of familiarity. I’d been able to navigate that world on autopilot, secure in my position and the knowledge that eventually I’d be on my own and things would get better.
How wrong I’d been about the adult part. Being a so-called ‘adult’ didn’t make things easier, it only meant that your problems were that much harder to solve. By the time I walked home from school, I’d worked myself up to the point that I was ready to apologize to Patrick about everything I’d said and done that morning.
He’d become my best friend, my only friend, outside of his mother. If I was honest, the thought of being with someone else hadn’t seriously crossed my mind. I wanted only him. If I had to make some concessions in order for that to happen, I would do it. The rest of Patrick—the sweet, charming, protective part of him that I knew would never hurt me—was more than worth tolerating the controlling caveman that had made me so angry.
I had to believe that. I had to believe that the good parts outnumbered the bad and, if I was lucky, someday I’d stop worrying myself sick about the thought of waking up to find him gone.
Chapter 16
Patrick
My head was a mess.
There were too many things happening at once for me to focus on just one, and it felt as if, at any moment, I’d completely lose what little grasp I had on my sanity.
I’d been talking with Kevie almost nightly about the shit going on with my Da, and things weren’t looking good. Kevie’s older brother was a pretty high ranking soldier in the fight for a unified Ireland, and the conversations they’d had during brief trips to their mother’s home didn’t cast my da in a favorable light. The thought of Kevie’s older brother coming anywhere near my hometown where Mum or Amy could come across him at any time made my skin crawl, but I was thankful for whatever news I could get.
I still wasn’t clear on exactly what Da had done, but something had happened to make the boys question him. It wasn’t good. Loyalty was a precious commodity among those men, and if you didn’t have that, you may as well have a target painted on your forehead.
We’d also been getting calls to the house at all hours, and the minute Mum or I would answer, the line would disconnect. It was a fucking nuisance at best, and something far more sinister at worst. I wasn’t sure what the person was looking for when they called, but I had two guesses. If it was my da they were hoping to contact, that meant he was in the wind. Not good for anyone. And if it was Amy’s parents, well, I hoped they’d bugger off so we could have some peace. As far as I was concerned, they no longer had a daughter.
On top of all that, classes were starting again soon, and I needed to get back to Uni. My boss at the mechanic shop had let me take the time away, but that wouldn’t last much longer, either. They couldn’t just hold my place indefinitely. It wasn’t the best job in the world, but I liked the lads I worked with and it was easy. I couldn’t afford to let it go.
The thought of leaving my mum and Amy unprotected made my flesh crawl, but I couldn’t stay based on a bad feeling. I had a life, school, and work. I couldn’t just drop those for no solid reason, even though every day it became harder for me to envision going back. But what would I do in Ballyshannon? Work as a mechanic? That wasn’t the plan and hadn’t been for longer than I could remember. I couldn’t support a family on a mechanic’s wage without living like I’d grown up and I’d sworn to do better for myself than my da had. My wife wouldn’t have to work her fingers to the bone to put fucking food on the table, and my children wouldn’t wear handouts from the church.
Amy deserved better than that. She deserved to be cosseted.
The past two weeks with her had shown me things that I hadn’t even realized I’d been missing.
She liked to do her hair in intricate styles, but she rarely wore them out of the house, preferring it down if she had to interact with people.
She was stubborn, believing that she was always right, but willing to give in to make others happy.
She laughed at commercials on the television that weren’t meant to be funny, and read romance novels and classics interchangeably. She seemed to enjoy both equally.
She loved the freckles on my face and chest, and if she didn’t think I was paying attention, she’d trace the ones on my arms.
She was a contradiction, both vulnerable and incredibly self-assured. She knew exactly who she was and didn’t hide from that knowledge, but she didn’t like the scrutiny of others.
She treated my mum like the Queen of England.
She treated me like a king… when she wasn’t giving me shit about almost everything I did and said.
We could talk for hours and never run out of things to say, but could rarely agree on anything.
She could completely ignore things that she didn’t want to face, and had skirted around any mention of her parents.
She challenged me and made my blood burn until I didn’t know which way was up.
God, that girl drove me insane.
It was as if everything that made her who she was pulled at the opposite trait in me, drawing us together like magnets. She made me forget some things and remember others, and her presence gave me a peace I hadn’t felt since I was a child. She calmed me in a way no one else had ever been able to do. She was simply…everything. Both my compass and true north.
I suddenly came to the shocked realization that I loved her more than anyone else in the world—myself included.
I’d been up most of the night trying to sort out how I’d protect her and Mum, my mind going over and over different plans and rejecting them while the phone rang sporadically. I’d felt like the walking dead by the time I’d escorted her to school. My body ached from the hours I’d spent on Mum’s living room floor and I’d been short-tempered, anxious over the prospect of leaving them alone, and it took all I had to hide that shit from her. She didn’t need to worry about things she couldn’t change, and I didn’t want her to. It was my job as her man to shield her from that shit.
So I’d painted on a cheerful face when she’d awoke and we’d almost made it to school without my façade cracking down the center. I could’ve kicked myself for getting into the situation in the alley, but to be fair, jealous Amy had been a sight to see. She’d been scowling, her face flushed, and I’d wanted nothing more than to take her home and fuck the jealousy right out of her, prove once and for all that she had nothing to worry about.
I couldn’t, though. She should wait. I knew that eventually, when our kids were old enough to ask, that she’d want to tell them with a clear conscience that we’d waited until we’d said our vows. She may be full of hormones and grand ideas now, but the minute it was over, she’d have regrets.
She was my ideal, the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen—and though I knew it was dangerous to put her on a pedestal, I couldn’t help it. She wasn’t a woman you fucked before you said your vows in front of a priest, no matter how angry that made her.
Amy didn’t want to wait and she thought I was an idiot for making her. I loved her, but she just kept pushing and pushing, and I’d finally had enough that morning. I was having a hard enough time keeping my fucking hands off her, and she wasn’t making it the least bit easy. I was tired, worried, and turned on with no relief in sight… and then she’d decided to push just a bit further.
Threatening me with other men? Was she out of her fucking mind? It may have been the worst idea she’d ever had. I’d seen red when she started going on about how she’d, what did she call it? Level the playing field?
She’d let someone touch her over my dead body and not a moment before.
My stomach was churning when I’d left Amy in that alley, but I didn’t even stop to look back at her. I couldn’t. If I had, I’d known that the look on her f
ace would have me right back where I started—in her arms—and we’d be riding that fine line again, or I’d do something to scare her, like take her over my knee and thrash the hell out of her.
I hated hurting her, but if I was honest with myself, I’d admit that I was also livid about her threats and it felt good to leave her worried. How far did she think she could push before I pushed back? The tension in the house, both sexual and the fear of something terrible happening had us all on edge. I understood that she was feeling it, but that didn’t give her leave to spew venom all over me.
Honestly, I didn’t even know if Amy felt the oppressive weight of my mum’s fear. I hadn’t said a word about things happening with my da, and I doubted Mum had filled her in—she was too busy skittering around the house like she couldn’t find enough to do until she dropped into bed exhausted. It seemed as if Amy walked around with her head in the clouds, completely ignorant to what was happening around her. Did she not realize that I was fraying like a badly knit sweater? I tried to shield her, but I couldn’t understand how she missed the signs that something was looming on the horizon. Mum was acting like a maniac, Kevie was showing up unannounced at all hours, and I had bags under my eyes from lack of sleep—yet Amy moved blissfully along as if all was right in her world.
By the time I got home, I was almost dizzy with lack of sleep and fell into bed in a stupor. I couldn’t remember how long it had been since I’d gotten a decent night’s rest, and it seemed to be all catching up to me at once. I didn’t even have time to appreciate the smell of Amy on my sheets before I crashed.
By the time I woke up, I could hear both of my favorite women talking in the kitchen and my anger had cooled completely. After a bit of sleep, things always seemed a little clearer.
It only took me moments to realize I’d slept the entire day away and I hadn’t even gone to pick Amy up from school. She must have wondered where I was and if I was still angry with her. Guilt lay heavy on my shoulders as I walked slowly out of my room.