CHAPTER FIVE
THE SPIRIT OF '75
LETTERS OF A MINUTE MAN
In the Manner of Ring Lardner
Friend Ethen--
Well Ethen you will be surprised O. K. to hear I & the wife took alittle trip down to Boston last wk. to a T. party & I guess you arethinking we will be getting the swelt hed over being ast to a T. party.In Boston.
Well Ethen if you think that why you will be a 100 mi. offen the trackbecause Ethen I and Prudence sent the kind that gets a swelt hed overbeing ast any wares like some of are naybers up here when they are astany wares so you see Ethen even if we had been ast any wares we wouldntof had no swelt hed. On acct of being ast any wares.
Well last Thurs. I and Prudence drove old Bessy down to Boston Bessy isare horse see Ethen which is about 13 mi. from here Boston I mean Ethenas the crow flys only no crow would ever fly to Boston if he couldhelp it because all the crows that ever flew to Boston was shot bythem lousie taverin keepers to make meals out of Ethen I never tastit nothing so rotten in my life as the meals they give us there & thepriceis would knock your I out. 3 shillings for a peace of stake aboutas big as your I, and 4 pence for a cup of coffy. The streets sent theonly thing about Boston thats crook it. Them taverin keepers is crook itto I mean see Ethen.
After supper I & her was walking a round giving the town the double Owhen we seen that Fanny Ewell Hall was all lit up like Charley Davis onSat. night & I says to Prudence lets go inside I think its free andshe says I bet you knowed it was free al right befor you ast me & sureenough it was free only I hadnt knowed it before only I guess thatPrudence knows that when I say a thing it is generally O. K. Well FannyEwell Hall was pack jam full of people & we couldnt see nothing becausethere was a cockide stiff standing right in front of us & jumping up &down & yelling No T. No T. at the top of his lunges & Prudence says wellwhy dont you take coffy or milk & for Gods sake stay offen my foot & heturns to her & says maddam do you want T. & slavery & she says no coffy& a hot dog just kidding him see Ethen & he says maddam no T. shall everland & she says no but my husbend will in a bout 1 min. & I was justgoing to plank him 1 when the door behint us bust open & a lot ofindyans come in yelling every body down to Grifins worf there is goingto be a T. party only Ethen they wasnt indyans at all but jest wite mendrest up to look like indyans & I says to a fello those aint indyans &he say no how did you guess it & I says because I have seen real indyansmany a time & he says to a nother fello say Bill here is a man who saysthem sent real indyans & the other fello says gosh I dont believe it& they laffed only the laff was on them Ethen because they wasnt realindyans & that is only tipical of how you cant tell these Boston sweltheds nothing & I guess if they had ever seen a real indyan they would ofknown better than to laff. Well I and Prudence follered the crowd downto Grifins worf & them indyans which was only wite men drest up clumbonto a ship there & begun throwing the cargo into Boston harber & I saysto a fello what is in them boxes & he says T. & I says well why are theythrowing it away & he says because they do not want to pay the tackswhich is about as sensable Ethen if I was to rite a lot of letters &then as fast as I rote I would tare it up because I did not want to payfor a stamp. Well I says somebody ought to catch he--ll for this & hesays are you a torie & I seen he was trying to kid me & I says no I ama congregationalis & a loyal subject of king Geo. Rex & he says o Ithought you was a torie & a lot of fellos who was with him give him thelaff because he hadnt been abel to kid me. Well after a whiles he saysthe indyans seem to be about threw & I says yes only they sent indyans& the laff was on him again & he seen it wasnt no use to try & kid me &Prudence says come on lets beat it & on the way home I says I bet themBoston birds will feel small when they find out that those wasnt indyansat all & she act it like she was mad about something & says well theycant blame you for not trying to tell them & its a wonder you didnt hireFanny Ewell Hall while you was about it & I says o is it & I might knowyoud get sore because I was the 1st to find out about the indyans beingwite men in disgised & she says yes I suppose if somebody was to paintstripes on a cow you would make a speech about it & say that you haddiscovered that it wasnt no tiger & I wish I had been 1 of them indyanstonight because I would of loved to of beened you with a Tommy Hawk & Isays o you would would you & she seen it wasnt no use to argue with me& anyway Ethen nobody would be fool enough to paint stripes on a cowunless maybe they was born in Boston. Well Ethen thats the way it goes& when you do put one over on the wife they want to hit you with a TommyHawk with best rgds. Ed.
Friend Ethen--
No matter what a married man does in this world he gets in wrong &I suppose if I was to die tonight Prudence would bawl me out for nothaving let her know I was going to do it & just because I joined theminit men the other eve. she has been acting like as if I had joined theBaptis Church & I bet you are saying what in the h--ll is a minit man.Well Ethen I will tell you. The other night I says to Prudence I think Iwill drive over to Lexington to get Bessy shodd. Bessy is are horse seeEthen. Well she says you will do nothing of the kind because all youwant to do in Lexington is get a snoot ful & if you think I am going towate up all night while you get boiled well you have got another guesscoming. She says the last time you had Bessy shodd the naybers aretalking about it yet & I says do you mean because I & Charley Davis wassinging & having a little fun & she says no because nobody wouldnt callthat singing & do you call it a little fun when you brought Bessy upstares with you to show me how well she had been shodd at 3 A. M. in themorning answer me that which is only her way of exagerating things Ethenbecause we didnt bring Bessy only as far as the stares & I only did itbecause Charley had been drinking a little to much & I didnt want toiritate him because the way to handel drunks is to not iritate them theyare only worse only you cant tell a woman that & they think the wayto handel drunks is to look him in the eye & say arent you ashamed ofyourselves which only iritates him the moar. Well I says I am not goingto half no horse of mine going a round 1/2 shodd al the time & Prudencesays well I am not going to half no husband of mine going a round 1/2shot al the time & I says I will not go near Charley Davis this timebecause I have lernt my lesson & she says al right if you will promiseto not go near Charley Davis you can go & when I got to Lexington Ithought I would stop in the taverin a min. just to say hulloh to theboys because if a fello doesnt stop in the taverin to say hulloh to theboys who are just as good as he is they are lible to say he has a swelthed & is to proud to stop in the taverin to say hulloh to the boys. Whoare just as good as he is. Well I didnt have any i dear that CharleyDavis would be there because I had told Prudence I wasnt going to gonear him & just because I said that I cant be expect it to sneek intotoun like as if I was a convick can I Ethen. Well the taverin was crowdit & they had all got a good start & the long & the short of it wasthat the 1st person I seen was Charley Davis & he says hulloh therepink whiskers you are just in time to join the minit men which is only anicked name he has for me because my whiskers are red brown. No I says Icannot join anything tonight fellos because I must go right back home& he says if you dont join the minit men now some day you wont have nohome to go home to & I says what do you mean I wont have no home to gohome to & he says because the Brittish are going to burn down all thehomes of we farmers because we will not sell them any food but firstyou had better have a drink. Well Ethen a fello dont like to be a sisseyabout taking 1 drink does he & then I says now fellos I must go home& then a couple of more fellos come in & they said Ed you wont go hometill we have brought you a drink & elect it you to the minit men willyou & I said no but I must go home right after that. Well then we got tosinging & we was going pretty good & after a while I said now fellos Imust go home & Charley Davis says to me Ed before you go I want to haveyou shake hands with my friend Tom Duffy who is here from Boston & hewill tell you all about the minit men & you can join tonight but lookout or he will drink you under the tabel because he is the worst fish inBoston & I says sure only I have got to be going home soon becauseyou remember what hapend last time & I would like to see any b
ody fromBoston drink me under the tabel & bet. you & I Ethen if that fellow is afish then my grandmother is the prince of whales & let me tell you whathapend. After we had drank about 4 or 5 I seen he was getting sortof wite & I says well Boston lets settle down now to some good steadydrinking & he says listen & I says what & he says listen & I says what &he says do you know my wife & I says no & he says listen & I says what &he says shes the best little woman in the world & I says sure & he sayswhat did you say & I says when & he says you have insult it my wife thebest little woman in the world & he begun to cry & we had only had about 1 qt & wouldnt that knock you for a cockide gool Ethen, only Iguess you arent surprised knowing how much I can holt without feelingany affects. Well I was feeling pretty good on acct. of drinking thepride of Boston under the tabel & not feeling any affects only I wasfeeling good like a fello naturely feels & the fellos kind of made a lotof fuss on acct. me drinking him under the tabel so I couldnt very wellof gone home then & after a while Charley Davis made a speech & wellcomed me into the minit men & so I am a minit man Ethen but I cantexackly explain it to you until I see Charley again because he didntmake it very clear that night. Well after a while we woke the Bostonfish up & we all went home & I was feeling pretty good on acct. it beingsuch a nice night & all the stars being out & etc. & when I got home Isaid Prudence guess what hapend & she says I can guess & I says PrudenceI have been elect it a minit man & she says well go on up stares & sleepit off & I says sleep what off & she says stop talking so loud do youwant the naybers to wake up & I says whos talking loud & she says o goto bed & I says I am talking in conversational tones & she says wellyou must be conversing with somebody in Boston & I says o you mean thatlittle blond on Beecon St. & Ethen she went a 1,000,000 mi. up in theair & I seen it wasnt no use to try & tell her that the reason I wasfeeling good was on acct. having drank a Boston swelt hed to sleepwithout feeling any affects & I bet the next time I get a chanct I amgoing to get snooted right because a fello gets blamed just as much ifhe doesnt feel the affects as if he was brought home in a stuper & Iwas just kidding her about that blond on Beecon St. Some women dont knowwhen they are well off Ethen & I bet that guy from Bostons Tom DuffyI mean wife wishes she was in Prudences shoes instead of her havingmarried a man what cant holt no more than a qt. without being broughthome in a stuper. Best rgds. Ed.
Friend Ethen--
Well Ethen this is a funny world & when I joined the minit men last mo.how was I to know that they called them minit men because they was libleto get shot any minit. & here I am riteing to you in a tent outsideBoston & any minit a canon ball is lible to knock me for a continentalloop & my house has been burnt & Prudence is up in Conk Cord with hersister the one who married that short skate dum bell Collins who hasowed me 2 lbs. for a yr. & 1/2 well Ethen it never ranes but it pores &you can be glad you are liveing in a nice quiet place like Philly.
Well the other night I and Prudence was sound asleep when I heard somebody banging at the frt. door & I stuck my head out the up stares window& I says who are you & he says I am Paul Revear & I says well this is ah--ll of a time to be wakeing a peaceiful man out of their bed what doyou want & he says the Brittish are comeing & I says o are they wellthis is the 19 of April not the 1st & I was going down stares to plankhim 1 but he had rode away tow wards Lexington before I had a chanct& as it turned out after words the joke was on me O. K. Well who is itsays Prudence Charley Davis again because you might as well come backto bed if it is & I says no it was some Boston smart alick trying to befunny & I guess they are soar down there on acct. what hapened to theirprize fish up here last mo. & are trying to get even do you know a PaulRevear & she says yes there was a boy at school named Paul Revear whowas crazy about me was he dark well Ethen if all the fellos she says hasbeen crazy about her was layed end to end they would circum navygate theglobe twicet & I says no he was yello & that had her stopt so we wentback to sleep only I couldn't help laffing over the way I had slipt itacross. About Revear being yello. Well along a bout A. M. there was alot of gun firing tow wards Lexington & Prudence grabed me & says whetsthe shooting for & I says probably that fello Revear who was so crazya bout you has got funny oncet to oft ten & it will teach them Bostondoodes a lesson. Well Ethen I was wrong for oncet & the firing keptgetting worse & I hitcht up old Bessy & drove over to Lexington Bessy isare horse & Ethen there was the h--ll to pay there because the g--dd--m Brittish redcotes had marcht nup from Boston & had fired on theLexington fellos & Charley Davis had been shot dead & a lot of the otherfellos was wooned it & they said you had better get your wife to theh--ll out of your house because the g--d d--m Brittish redcotes arecoming back & they will burn everything along the rode the ---- I guessyou know what word goes there Ethen & I was so d--m mad at those g--dd--m Brittish redcotes on acct. shooting Charley Davis dead that I saidgive me a gun & show me the ---- who done it & they says no you hadbetter get your wife to a safe place to go to & then you can come backbecause the ---- will be along this way again the ----. Well I drove asfast as I could back to the farm & somebody had already told Prudencewhat had hapend & as soon as I drove into the yd. she come out with mymuskit & hand it it to me & says dont you worry about me but you killevery d--m redcote you can see & I says the ----s has killed CharleyDavis & she says I know it & here is all the bullits I could find. Wellwhen I got back to Lexington the redcotes was just coming along & EthenI guess they wont forget that march back to Boston for a little whiles& I guess I wont either because the ----s burnt down my house & barn& Prudence is gone to stay with her sister in Conk Cord & here I amcamping in a tent with a lot of other minit men on the out skirts ofBoston & there is a roomer a round camp that to morrow we are going tomove over to Bunker Hill which is a good name for a Boston Hill Ill say& Ethen if you was to of told me a mo. ago that I would be fighting toget Boston away from the Brittish I would of planked you 1 because theycould of had Boston for all I cared. Well Ethen I must go out and drillsome more now & probably we will half to listen to some Boston birdmakeing a speech they are great fellos for speeches about down withBrittish tirrany & give me liberty or give me death but if you wasto ast me Ethen I would say give me back that house & barn what thoselousie redcotes burnt & when this excitement is all over what I want toknow is Ethen where do I get off at. Yrs Ed.