4:30 PM. It's not Helen, Charles, or Papa that's got to die today. It's Gretta. I was going to tell Gretta that I'm married, so she'll have to work her problem out on her own. But that won't solve the problem now. I'm going to have to kill her. The trouble is. Gretta doesn't even know what we have done. Even getting rid of the baby won't fix this. We have committed an abomination. I've got to talk to somebody. Maybe Aunt Loretta can help. Mama hit me again. She just started screaming at me. Then Papa came in. He wouldn't listen to reason. So we had a fistfight. I can't believe it. I hit my own papa with my fist. But on top of all that, I can't believe what Bobby Ray just did. After I fought with Mama and Papa, I drove off in my car and Bobby Ray took a shot at me. My own brother tried to kill me.
5:30 PM. Aunt Loretta was no help. What a stammering idiot. But then I couldn't tell her what the real problem is. I'm thinking about checking out of here. I've got to unload this pistol. I don't want the devil to catch me with this thing. Jess should have never sold it to me. All I want to do is kill people with it ever since I got it. Maybe Charles can find a use for it.
6:00 PM. I just left Charles holding the bag. I would have liked to see Gretta and Helen one more time, but what's the use? What's done is done. I keep looking at Helen's wedding ring here on my little finger and wondering about her. With what she's done with Charles, she don't need an explanation. And as far as Gretta goes, if God has a problem with her condition, let Him work it out with her. This problem is too big for me. I'm checking out right now. I've always wondered what it would be like to take the dip at the Berenda Slough at 120 mph.
PART VI
Mama Shuts off the Water Pump
CHAPTER 46: Trouble Following on the Heels of Trouble
Lenny's journal continues to affect me. Every time I reread it, I feel like he's right here with me. When I put it down, it's as if he just died again. I went to the Cemetery and stared down at his tombstone. It only has his name, Leonard Hershel Hammer, and the years of his birth and death, 1935-1952. That's all. Even his tombstone refuses to talk. Now before I go to sleep, I read his journal like a bedtime story. I get this feeling that he was so afraid to live. He knew he was messing up his life and couldn't stop. I've felt like that so much myself. When I'm working with Loretta among the turkeys, walking that old sawdust-covered ground, I think about how different Lenny and I were, and yet, his life's so much a part of me. How can I ever get out of Chowchilla without knowing the truth about him? And now it's the whole truth I'm after. I know Lenny committed suicide but not why. Every answer leads to another question. Where does it all end?
I've been thinking a lot about Helen wanting her wedding ring back. Just before he died, Lenny wrote that he had Helen's wedding ring on his little finger. But I saw his hands when he was in the casket. He didn't have the ring on. Someone took it off his finger and didn't say anything about it. The people that drive ambulances don't do things like that. But Jess was the first one at the accident. He found Lenny. I tell you, these people changing places in my life become different people. I can't remember who Jess was before he became my father. He was the one who found Lenny and called Mama and Papa, and he sure wouldn't have taken the ring. I don't want to believe that about him. Someone at the hospital could have taken it. But the hospital in Chowchilla wasn't even built yet, so it would have been the one in Merced. But I don't think they even took Lenny to a hospital. He was already dead. They must've taken him to the Chowchilla undertaker, Mr. Hickman. I can't believe he would've taken the ring. Somebody did it to keep people from asking questions. Mama and Papa were at the scene of the accident. They saw Lenny dead, lying in the dirt. And Papa knew that Lenny was married. Lenny said in his journal that he told Papa he was married and said that if Papa told Mama, he'd kill all of us. That gives me a creepy feeling about Lenny. Papa was the only one who knew about Lenny and Helen being married. Papa could've taken the ring to keep Mama from finding out. He's known Lenny was married to Helen ever since Lenny died and told no one. And now I know Samantha really is Lenny's little girl. Why won't Mama believe it? She knew they were messing around together. That just doesn't sound like Mama. She would have wanted them to get married. I mean, Mama is just about the most religious person in the world.
I called Brenda the night I got home after reading Lenny's journal, told her not to say anything. The other end of the line got real quiet.
"Too late," she said. "Helen already knows."
"Oh," I said. "Did you tell her?"
"I'm sorry, Bobby. Yes I did."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because... I thought you'd want her to know. I was excited. I just can't seem to do anything right this year, Bobby."
"I know what you mean. Even if I don't do something, that's wrong too."
"Exactly. I'm sorry."
"Well, don't worry about it. She'd have found out anyway. I just wanted a little time."
"Anything important in it?"
"If there wasn't, I wouldn't be bothering you."
"You can bother me anytime. Helen probably told Charles. She's been out with him again."
*
It's Friday night and I have this knot right between the eyes where my class ring just hit me. Broke the skin a little. I keep touching it with my finger to see if it's still bleeding.
I'm standing on the Midway at the Fairgrounds again but this time I'm alone, at least I'm alone now because there goes Bev, and that little round butt of hers is working in those tight pants like it's late for something big. We just came back to the Fair after being parked in this grape vineyard out east of town where she was all over me. I was feeling a little uneasy about the whole thing. It was like she had something to prove. I just kind of stopped and she still had her tongue in my mouth. I was wondering what I was going to do with it, but then she stopped too.
I drove us back to the Fairgrounds; we got out and started walking the Midway. Bev kept coming at me with these half questions. She'd start out with, "Bobby, do you think that..." then she wouldn't finish, or she'd say "Bobby, can I ask you a question?" and I'd say, "Yes," and then she wouldn't ask it. She'd look at the ground and talk so soft I could hardly hear over the screaming, the clang and whir of rides. She wouldn't go any further with it. We hadn't said anything in a while, and my mind got to wandering. "There goes Brenda," I said.
That's when she bounced my class ring off my forehead. Sometimes it takes a blow to my head for me to understand what I'm thinking.
So I'm standing here watching Bev's little butt squiggle away from me through the crowd, watching the searchlights. I'm standing in the middle of the Midway. Up above my head, I make out faint stars among the clouds. I'm looking at that ride I've been worrying about, the Hammer. That scuzzy sucker who runs the Hammer stays back out of sight in the daytime, but at night he comes out of hiding. He's looking over at me now. He's hairy, like an animal. He turns his back on me, walks around to the far side of the Hammer. He walks humped over, like he has a big weight on his shoulders, but when he's back by his trailer, he's always down on all fours crawling around.
Merry-go-round lights flash, music rings, and two big searchlights scan the heavens. Insects crawl around on them, moths, mosquitoes, gnats, just silhouettes on the glowing surface. Some look like flying sticks. I follow the light beams up into the dark where they roam around on some small thunderheads.
So I'm just standing here, thinking about the Hammer, when Brenda walks into my line of sight, between me and the Hammer. She has all that golden hair falling on tan shoulders. Helen's with her, trouble just following on the heels of trouble. But Helen turns away from Brenda, comes over to me like she wants to talk.
"Brenda told me you found Lenny's journal. Can I read it?" she asks.
And now here comes Trish and Curt. They stand off to the side, but I'm afraid they've overheard Helen.
"No," I say and the word just pops out of my mouth. I've been wondering what my answer was going to be when she asked.
"That's not fair. Why not?"
"Why did Lenny take back your wedding ring?"
She closes her eyes and looks at the ground. I feel as if I hit her with my fist. I get this flash like I'm Lenny and just opening the car door and see Helen with her clothes off, on top of old naked Charles. She has tears in her eyes. "But the ring. Did he say anything in his journal about my wedding ring? It's my grandmother's."
I'm looking past Helen at Brenda, and Brenda is shaking that blond head of hair, telling me no, that Helen has just lied to me.
"I can't let you see it. Most of it doesn't concern you."
Helen comes up close to me. She just got her wine colored hair cut so that it looks like a boy's. Short and combed back on the sides. She starts talking real quiet, fat lips already pouting. "I have more right to his journal than you. What was his, is mine now." She smells like peach cobbler.
"Since he took back the ring, I don't think he'd have wanted you to have it."
So Helen gets huffy, turns her back on me. "Come on, Brenda. I've got to do something about this."
"Bobby Ray," and now it's Trish I have to contend with, "who's that girl?"
"Helen Hammer," I stammer a little getting the words out, "Brenda's cousin."
"Helen Hammer?" Trish says, but she's looking at Curt.
"Used to be McCallum," I say.
Trish looks up at me with that baby-bird-at-feeding-time look, eyes blue as robin eggs.
"Lenny and Helen got married a couple of months before he was killed," I tell her. "No one else knew but Papa. And Papa didn't tell anyone, not even Mama, I don't think."
"You mean that's Lenny's wife? That girl's his wife?"
"His widow. Trish," and I start to turn away from her, then turn back, "you sure that you want to know about all this?"
"Lenny used to talk to me even though I was a lot younger. He never said anything about getting married. I've talked to Charles. But he's closed mouthed about everything. I don't know anything about that last day. Helen said something about a journal. If Lenny left something, I want to read it."
"He did. He wrote about a lot of things. I just found it in his wrecked car."
"I want it."
"Trish, there's more to this mess than you think. I agree you should see it. But I'm warning you. You won't like what you read."
We're standing close to those searchlights, and the bugs are beginning to bother me, brush a couple off of my clothes and pull one out of Trish's hair.
"You'll let me see it?"
"Yes," I tell her, "both of you. He must've wanted the truth to come out or he would have burned it. Follow me to my car. I'll read it to you. Right now."
We pass the stockyards and first it's all the 4H-ers feeding their homegrown meat, hear the hogs squeal then the sheep bleat, the calves bawl. Just outside the gate we wait to cross the road, car lights shining in our eyes on one side and red taillights on the other and start through the parked cars in the open field on the other side in the dark. This field is a pasture, so we have to watch our step. I wonder where they put the cows? It's a little dusty.
Inside my car, I turn on the dash lights but still have to take my flashlight out of the glove box. Wish this ragtop had a dome light. Trish won't let me read it, so I shine the light for her. She's a better reader anyway. She folds back the cover to the steno pad and reads every word, even his weight and batting average. Curt sets in the backseat. When she starts reading, he stops her. "Lenny was just a little guy," he says. "I thought he was a giant."
But that's all that's said until she gets to the last day, finding Charles and Helen out in the boonies and almost killing both of them. Her voice cracks when he tells about her and then Curt. She hands the pad to me, and I read while she cries. Then, suddenly it seems, we're through. Lenny's told his story again, sad that it is. We just listen to the crickets outside the car in the grass for a while, hear kids hollering from the top of the Ferris wheel in the distance.
"That's how Lenny died," I say. And then tears start coming, old soap-opera me crying again. I don't know why I have to hug everyone lately, but I reach out for her. She puts her arms around me a little. I look in the backseat. "What do you think, Curt?" I ask.
"I thought he was bigger 'n that" he says.
I drive them back over to Mama's and Papa's. As they get out of the car, the glow of dash lights reflecting off their faces, I say, "Look for me tomorrow again on the Midway. I have someone else you should meet."
*
I'm sitting in the dark on Ventura Avenue just outside Brenda's house. My Chevy keeps creaking as it cools. I was hitting ninety on Robertson coming back into Chowchilla. I got to thinking about Brenda telling me that Helen was lying about the ring, that it wasn't Helen's grandmother's ring. So here I sit watching the yellow light coming from Brenda's bedroom window through the big trees that surround her house, wondering if it's safe to go peck on her window. Guess the answer is no, and no amount of waiting will make it safe, so I get out of my car and walk on over through the tall lawn grass. Guess Mr. McCallum's busy building houses. Wonder why he doesn't have Keith cut the grass? I'm standing in the flowerbed at the side of Brenda's house, and when I hit the windowsill with my knuckle, I hear a dog bark inside. Damn. I didn't know she had a dog. Maybe this isn't even her window. I don't know why I thought it was hers in the first place. Maybe it's her parent's window. I don't know why they would have the light on in their bedroom so late, but then I hear some people like to do it with the lights on. Someone pulls back the curtain and I see Brenda. She screams a small little scream at me. I back off, walk away from the window, think maybe I better get the hell out of here. Then I hear the window creek open a crack.
"Bobby," I hear this loud whispering voice. "Come back, Bobby."
So I go back but that damn dog wants to see me too, and he acts like I'm his best buddy that he hasn't seen in next to a lifetime. I have all this slobbering dog spit from my hand all the way to my elbow. He's a black cocker spaniel with fluffy bear-like paws.
"Get down, Shadow," she tells him. "Bobby's my friend, not yours. How come you're not home, Bobby? It's really late."
Just about the time I start to say something, there's a knock at her bedroom door and then it opens a crack.
"Mother, get away from my door," Brenda says.
I back off out of the light.
"Mother, I have been of-age for four months now. Besides, it's just Bobby Hammer."
Then I hear some muffled words from her mother that I can't make out, something about getting some more clothes on.
"You going to peek in my dorm room when I go to college?"
Then her door closes again, and Brenda turns out her bedroom light.
"Bobby? Come back. It's just my meddling mother. Come close so I can see you."
I wonder if I still have Bev's lipstick on my face? Maybe on my collar? "I want to talk about Helen," I say.
"Closer so I don't have to shout. So ask me about Helen." But when I put my hands on her windowsill, she runs her hands up my arms all the way to my shoulders, her fingers up my short shirtsleeves.
"If her wedding ring didn't belong to her grandmother, who did it belong to?"
First Brenda kisses me and just about pulls me through the window. "It's the ring she and Lenny used when they got married. She told Lenny it was her grandmother's but that was a lie. I know where the ring came from because she showed it to me when she first got it. It's a big, beautiful ring. A huge diamond. But it wasn't her grandmother's and it wasn't Lenny's. She got it from Charles."
"Charles? But that doesn't make any sense."
"Sure it does." She's whispering in my ear now. Tickles a little, and all that hot breath sends chills down the side of my neck. She kisses me again before she continues. Trading slobber must be her favorite thing. She's worse than her dog. "Helen and Charles were planning to get married, but something happened. Helen won't say what. It must have been bad because s
he really loved Charles. She dumped him overnight."
"They fought about Charles' colored girlfriend. "
"Charles? With a Negro girl?"
"Still sees her. Maggie lived in Fairmead then, now lives outside Fresno." I roam my hands around all that smoothness beneath her underclothes. "Lenny had the ring on his little finger when he died, but not when they buried him."
After that it's just soft skin, hard nipples, and my feet growing into the soil of that flowerbed.
CHAPTER 47: Trish and Curt Have a Niece
"Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!" She runs through the crowd toward me, screaming. Jumps in my arms. "Fers wheel, Bobby! Fers wheel!"
"Can I take Sammy for a ride?" I ask Gretta.
Gretta's wearing sandals and Bermuda shorts, has big toes.
"Be careful with her. She squirms about so much. I'd take her myself but I'm afraid of high places. That Ferris wheel…" She shakes her head. "I can't handle a Ferris wheel."
We stand in line, walk slowly up the wood ramp. Samantha holds my finger and Gretta stands beside us.
Samantha wants me to hold her, then wants down. "Can I have some cotton candy?"
"After the ride," I tell her.
"And a snow cone."
"If you think you need it."
"See my new hurt, Bobby? See it? See it? Still hurts."
"That does look bad." I see a little scab on her elbow. "How did you get it?"