Page 58
I miss you.
Abe had left for San Diego yesterday, and he wouldn’t be back until late Sunday night. Each day felt like a year, and I couldn’t distract myself enough. Even Netflix failed me.
My feet pounded down the stairs and I gasped in shock as I exited into the cold. Even with gloves, hat and scarf, the icy winds pierced through me, straight to my bones, filling my lungs with frost.
With no real destination, I ended up walking to a café on Broadway. I ordered an absurdly expensive mocha and sat at a corner table, breathing in the warmth again and admiring the leaf floating precariously in the foam. I opened up my laptop and pulled up the stories I was supposed to be working on, but I hadn’t had much luck writing for the past several days. Every time I tried to churn words out, it felt like the milk had dried up and I was trying to make butter with water. The dreck that resulted was barely readable, and Tanya had given me more extensive rewrites in the past four days than since I’d started.
Eventually, I managed to get past the pit in my stomach that kept stilling my fingers, and bang out four acceptable stories, which I shipped off to Tanya with a sign of relief. At least I wasn’t broken.
I would not let this break me.
Two twenty-somethings in black lounged at the table beside me, a girl with long, perfect hair an unnatural shade of red, and a guy with several rings through his nose and ears. They shared a tofu-mash thing, and their voices floated my way.
“. . . I don’t know, maybe. . . ” the guy said.
The girl’s tone carried much more conviction. “Come on, don’t you think it’s a little sketchy? She sleeps with the guy so she can find out secrets? I don’t care about football, but I’m pretty sure that’s a violation of journalistic ethics. ”
I almost choked on the remnants of my mocha.
“No one’s positive they were sleeping together, though, right?”
The girl scoffed. “Please. Of course they were. ”
I thumped my drink down on the table and stopped by their table. “Really not any of your business. ”
They gaped at me, and I felt slightly better as I stalked toward the exit.
Only of course I then had to stand in the doorway for an awful long time, arranging my coat and scarf and hat, but still.
On Sunday, I couldn’t get in to the Leopards Stadium for the game, so I entered Waxy’s half an hour before the one o’clock kick-off, and immediately realized my mistake. Every person in the bar turned their back to me.
I swallowed.
Roy looked up from behind the bar and scowled. “You think this is a good idea?”
“I’m sorry. I wanted to watch the game. ”
Tim turned around. “Yeah? After you practically ruin it for the rest of us?”
Anger boiled up. “What they’re doing is dangerous and illegal—”
“It’s what they’re all doing! You either close it down completely or you ignore it. What good’s getting one team in trouble, huh? Not so fair. ”
I threw up my hands. “You know what? Fine. I’m sorry for having moral integrity. ”
He scoffed. “Turning on your boyfriend’s team’s not integrity, kid. You realize his contract’s up for renewal? You probably cost him that. ”
I pressed my lips together. “I didn’t mean to turn on him. ”
“Sure thing. ”
Fine. Whatever. I didn’t care. “Okay, well. . . bye. ”
I turned to leave, but instead found myself face-to-face with the guys.
To my surprise, it was Jin who brushed the snow off his sleeves and stomped up to me. “Just hold your head up. You did the right thing. ”
And he was right. I had to meet Roy as I needed to meet everyone these days—firm in my convictions. I swallowed. Carlos nodded at me. Mduduzi squeezed my shoulder. And I turned around and ordered my rum and Coke.
* * *
Abe came home that day. He was in his apartment when I arrived, and he stopped making dinner as soon as he saw me. He came out of the kitchen, a picture of worry. Like always, his honey-colored curls were messy, but his green sweater made him look a little more put together than usual, even if the worry in his dark eyes made him look less. “What’s wrong?”
I dropped my purse on the floor and shook my head as I walked toward him. “We can’t do this. ”
“Do what?”
I stopped in front of him, still shaking. “I’m sorry, I’m an idiot. I didn’t realize how bad it would be. How much hate there would be from bystanders. God, I can just see it. I can feel it in my stomach. I can’t subject you to that. ”
Abe’s hands folded around mine. “I don’t care about any of that. ”
“Abraham. It’s horrible. And I don’t see any way—we can’t be together and keep you out of this. ”
“What are you talking about?”
“I won’t destroy your career. I won’t do it. ”
He didn’t say anything, just studied me.
I tried to make it clear. “You have a team. You have your career, and your contract. If you’re with me, you’ll lose all that. ”
“I don’t care. ”
“I care. This is your life. ”
“This is my job. And I would do anything for you. ”
“Abraham, that’s crazy. ”
He shook his head, his jaw set. “No. You know what’s crazy? Letting these rules dictate our lives. ”
“You could lose your career. ”
He set me down and placed both hands on my shoulders. “That is nothing compared to losing you. ”
Heat flushed through me.
But no. If this was that serious—if the NFL and Kravenberg, Inc. were really taking a stand against me—this could destroy him. He had worked so hard to get where he was. He loved his teammates.
I wouldn’t tear that down. I wouldn’t.
Yet how could I keep him away?
The idea dawned slow and horrible and certain.
“And what about me?” I made sure to keep my gaze unwaveringly on his. “What will it do to my journalistic career if it looks like I’m sleeping around in order to get information?”
He drew back as though stung. “We’re dating. ”
“We know that. Not everyone else will. I won’t risk my career, my reputation, for you. We have to be apart. ”
He wrapped my hand in his. “I don’t believe you. ”
I swallowed and made certain to keep my gaze on his. I refused to blink. “It’s the best for both of us. It saves both of our jobs. ”
He snorted. “Do you love me?”
I swallowed and turned away so I didn’t have to look into his face, that face that drew the truth out of me no matter what.
“Go on, Tammy. Answer the goddamn question. ”
He was going to make me start crying. My throat already felt constrained and my heart heavy. “Why are you making me say it? What good does this do other than making us miserable?”
He stepped in front of me, placing his hands on my arms and drawing me closer. “Do. You. Love. Me?”
My gaze, locked over his shoulder, was finally drawn to his bright, insistent gaze. “Yes, dammit!”
He was implacable. “And I love you. ”
Two tears leaked out and I couldn’t manage to speak for a solid ten seconds. “But your career. . . ” I remembered the excuse of my own reputation. “And mine. . . ”