“And that’s exactly why I’m going to save Jago from himself.”
We lapsed into silence, and Orla walked over to a table at the room’s side. She poured herself a glass of wine and held another glass up in question. I shook my head. “You might need it if this is going forward,” she said when she returned to her spot. “I know I will.”
“Then you’ll help me?”
She answered by way of a long drink of the wine. “Are you sure this is the path you want, Tamsin?”
“I want him, but not like this. I don’t want him spending his life with me and always wondering what would’ve happened if he’d stuck with his first plan.”
There it was, the familiar mocking smile. “Tamsin, no one sticks with their first plan.”
Wasn’t that the truth. Some days, I didn’t even know what plan I was on anymore.
“Orla,” I said, “you act like I should go off with him, but if you believe that so easily, why did you call me here tonight? You wanted me to stop the horses from getting sold.”
The smile slipped. “Yes . . . but I guess I was just hoping you’d have some other plan to take its place to get this money you need so badly.”
I looked down at my hands, worried tears might come to my eyes. “I do have a plan—the same one I’ve had since coming to Adoria. I’m sticking with it. Now, are you going to help me help Jago stick with his?”
* * *
The next day was filled with preparations. The decision to make a second trip a couple of weeks after the first was big news. Its main purpose, of course, was to help settle the conflict brewing around us. But an extra trip meant a handful of spots were available, and many wanted to take advantage of it.
Merchants and other interested parties poured into the keep to petition Orla and her sisters. Meanwhile, Harper and Jago were trying to rustle up resources to help transport everyone from Constancy to Kerniall. They had Icori at their disposal, but Harper was hoping to stop by an outpost on the way back to pick up other soldiers, seeing as the Heirs might not react well to a group of Icori coming to town, even sanctioned ones.
I worked with them since I had especial knowledge of what it’d take to accommodate my friends. They’d need rations for the trip itself, and I bartered more of Jasper’s belongings away. The distraction kept me from agonizing over my decision with Jago all day. Instead, I just agonized over it for most of the day.
When Jago excused himself to take a meeting with the merchant who’d greeted us upon entering the city, I knew what it was about. And when Jago returned, mood dimmed, I knew what had happened. Although it wasn’t Orla’s nature to command her subjects’ decisions, she had sent word to the man this morning that she would look very, very favorably on him if he declined any opportunities to buy Jago’s horses.
And I knew too why Orla called Harper for a private talk and why he looked so perplexed afterward. It all left me with a storm of conflicted feelings. I was pleased that our plan was all falling into place, but knowing what was to come tore at my heart.
Jago and I didn’t have a chance to talk alone until after dinner. We sat together by the fireplace in my room, his hand over mine as we both rested from the long day.
“I’m going to miss you,” he said. Panic shot through me until he added: “After seeing you every day now, I don’t know how I’ll go a week without you.”
I relaxed slightly. “Well, maybe you’ll like the peace and quiet instead of having me badger you all the time.”
“Usually it’s deserved, so I don’t mind. I’m more worried you’ll like the peace and quiet of not having my chatter around.”
“Peace and quiet’s overrated,” I teased, eliciting a lopsided grin. “I’ve gotten so used to your chatter, I’ll hardly know what to do without it.”
He took hold of my other hand and pulled me toward him. Our break here had given him the chance to clean up and shave, and no matter what he said about not being “dashing,” he looked pretty fine to me. But it was the earnestness in his green-and-gold eyes glittering in the firelight that mesmerized me the most.
“Do you mean that?” he asked.
I swallowed and looked away. If I could’ve just lied and spurned him then and there, it would’ve saved me the trouble of all the contingencies Orla and I were working out. But I couldn’t do it. He would see the truth in me.
“About peace and quiet?” I asked in a lame attempt at evasion.
“Well. Sort of. But I think you know what I’m really talking about.” He leaned closer, and I melted. “Tamsin, I know I’m not what you came here for. I honestly don’t know how you put up with me. But ever since I met you, I’ve just felt like my world can be so much bigger than I ever dreamed. And I’ve always dreamed pretty big things for myself, you know. It’s not like I’ve ever doubted my abilities or anything. Other people might have. But with my natural—”
“Jago.”
“Anyway, like I was saying, I thought I had a handle on everything I needed to worry about in the future. And then you walked through my door. Literally. And suddenly, all my big dreams just weren’t big enough for—”
“Jago,” I interrupted again. “Be quiet.”
I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him deeply. After a brief jolt of surprise he answered with the same intensity, wrapping one of his arms around my waist while his other entangled itself in my hair.
Everything about him flooded my senses—the way he felt, tasted, smelled. It intoxicated me, leaving me heady and greedy for more. I’d wanted him last night, but now, I felt like I needed him, like I couldn’t go on if I didn’t get more of him. Part of that was driven by the knowledge that very soon, I wouldn’t have him at all. Everything felt amplified. Last night, I’d known he liked me. Tonight, I knew he loved me, and that knowledge sent my own love and desire to endless heights.
“Tamsin,” he said breathlessly, when I began unbuttoning his shirt. “I—we—it’s still like I told you. Not until I can provide more—”
“Jago,” I interrupted, looking down at him. We were lying together on the rug, with me pressed on top of him, and my skirts pushed up to my knees. “You don’t have to provide anything, do you understand? You’re perfect like you are. Now, if you’ve got some other real reason to back off, that’s okay. I’m absolutely not going to force myself on you. But if you’re stuck on some idea of needing to show what you can offer, then stop it! I love you, and that’s all that’s needed. This isn’t some kind of deal you have to strike.”
His face grew radiant when I said I loved him. If he could’ve seen himself, he would’ve taken back his joke about not being mistaken for an angel. He cupped my face in his hands and said, “Maybe you’re right. I could never strike a deal this amazing.”
I shook my head and started to stand up. “If you’re going to talk shop, then you can go back to your own room after all.”
“Whoa, hey.” He stood too, encircling my waist before I could get far. “I’m crazy about you, but I’m not crazy.”
He jerked me to him, and we kissed again. Then we were kissing on the bed. And then everything melted into a delirious blur, the joy in my heart mingling with the passion in my body until I lost track of where one ended and one began. All I knew was that afterward, as he stroked my hair while I lay exhausted against his bare chest, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so completely and selfishly happy.
And also so sad.
I curled my fingers into his chest, still drinking him in with all my senses. I tried to choke back a sob, but he noticed and shifted so that his face was near mine. The fire had died down by now, leaving scant lighting. He brushed his fingers against my cheek.
“What’s wrong? Did I do something—”
“No, no.” I pressed a light kiss to his lips. “You were perfect. Everything was perfect. I’m just—I’m just happy, that’s all. It’s all— tonight?
??it’s just a lot.”
Even though I couldn’t see his face, I could sense him trying to puzzle that out. He eased himself back down again, keeping me close. After a long time, he said, “You know, after the way things ended at our first meeting, I never expected this is where I’d end up.”
I couldn’t help a laugh, despite my quaking heart. “And yet, here you are.”
He laughed too and kissed my forehead. “Here I am.”
Jago fell asleep soon thereafter, but I stayed awake most of the night, tormented by my own thoughts, as well as the need to cling to this as long as I could. Had I been wrong to do this, knowing what was to come? Would this moment make being away from him easier—or just more agonizing?
And did I have to be away from him? It wasn’t too late to change things . . .
I’ve always dreamed pretty big things for myself, you know. It’s not like I’ve ever doubted my abilities or anything.
No. I wasn’t going to change things. We’d have this memory, and those of our other times together, and that would be it. We each had our own agendas to follow, and those agendas couldn’t work together. Maybe if we’d had more time, we could’ve figured something out. But it wasn’t to be.
I had a few remaining hours, though, so I fought sleep, savoring them as long as I could. I drifted off a little before dawn, only to wake soon thereafter as Jago was creeping from the bed.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he whispered.
“I’m glad you did.”
He got dressed in the dark and then returned to me. We sat together for a few minutes more, saying little, kissing a lot. At last, he stood up with a sigh.
“You’re hard to stay away from, Tamsin Wright.”
“Be careful out there,” I told him. “Avoid any blizzards.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” He leaned down and kissed me one more time, setting a small bundle of cloth into my arms. “I love you. Stay warm, and I’ll see you soon.”
Jago left my room, leaving me sitting up in bed with my heart breaking. Even in the dark, I knew what he’d given me. I could tell by its softness and the way it smelled like him. The red scarf. I clutched it to me and lay back down, too heartsick for tears.
* * *
In the week that followed, I tried not to think about Jago, but it was impossible. Everything reminded me of him, and it didn’t help that everyone in the keep brought up his name for various reasons, always under the assumption he’d be back soon. I nodded along with them and tried to keep to myself, not that my thoughts were very good company during those days. I wrote letters and practiced riding with Orla’s horses. I watched the horizon a lot, anxiously scanning for any signs of storms.
None came, but seven days after Jago and Gideon departed for Constancy, I was sitting on a small balcony on the keep’s tallest floor when I saw a large dark group of riders far down the road. As they approached, they materialized into wagons, sleds, and horses. Springing up from my perch, I ran downstairs, even though I knew it’d be a while before anyone made their way up the hill to us.
At last, there was a commotion at the gates, and all of a sudden people were spilling into the keep’s courtyards. I spied the sailors from the Gray Gull and Lieutenant Harper. Icori who’d aided him returned as well, but they weren’t whose arrival made me come running forward.
All nineteen of the other Glittering Court girls, as well as Miss Quincy, entered the courtyard, slowing to a halt as they gazed around their Icori surroundings with a mix of apprehension and excitement. They wore the drab fashions of Constancy but otherwise seemed well. For a moment, I did nothing. I just watched them, relieved and happy to see they were okay.
“Tamsin!”
I’d been spotted. And in moments, I was swarmed with hugs and greetings. “You did it,” said Winnifred, nearly squeezing the air out of me. “You really do get things done.”
The sight of their smiling faces lifted my flagging spirits, and after they’d hugged me, I found myself hugging all of them. “You’re okay?” I asked. “Everyone’s okay?”
“We are now,” said Damaris. She looked around, enthralled. “This is amazing! I wouldn’t mind staying and exploring.”
Vanessa shook her head. “Not me. I’m ready for Cape Triumph.” Her eyes tracked a young Icori woman passing by. “But I wouldn’t mind delaying for a clothing exchange. Look at that red tartan cloak! It’s gorgeous. Maybe we could set up some trade?”
“You will do no such thing. Hello, Tamsin.” The sea of my friends parted, and Dinah Cole stepped forward. Her eyes narrowed at me and made the wind on top of the fortress seem warm. “I see that someone is still watching out for you. I pray it’s the six glorious angels and not the six wayward ones.”
“It’s nice to see you too,” I muttered as she walked away. Beyond her, I saw Samuel and Constancy’s general store owner, Bernard Glover, speaking together. Dinah joined them, and all three looked over at me, expressions cool.
“Samuel and Mister Glover have business in Cape Triumph, so it was useful for them to come along,” Polly explained.
“Does Dinah have business there too?” I asked wryly.
“We’re her business,” said Winnifred. “It’s unclear if we still need guardians, but they insist we have a respectable female chaperone.”
“Respectable, huh?” I eyed Dinah a moment longer, then put her out of my mind as I turned to my friends. “Well, no need for her right now. Come on, let me show you around. I’ve got everything ready for you. If there’s something you need, let me know, and I’ll make sure it gets taken care of.”
As we turned to go inside, I heard a familiar voice calling my name. We waited as Gideon ran up to us, his handsome face drawn with worry. “Gideon, I’m glad you’re back,” I told him. “Are you okay?”
“I tried to get to you right away,” Gideon said. “I’m so sorry—I know you must be wondering what happened to Jacob.”
I froze up a moment. Then: “Oh. Yes. I’d meant to ask. Where is he? Down in the city?”
Gideon shook his head, and a few of the other girls looked dismayed too. “It’s not fair, really,” said Vanessa. “Mister Robinson was so nice to us! Helped us get packed and ready to come here.”
“And he helped get us passage too, right?” asked Damaris.
I nodded, forcing myself to keep a blank expression. “What’s happened? Is he okay?”
“He’s fine,” said Gideon, frowning. “I think so. It’s a long story—but there was an unexpected delay at the fort that held Jacob up. I can explain more later, but he’s not with us yet.”
“Oh.” I clutched my hands to keep them from shaking. “That’s unfortunate. I hope it’s cleared up soon.”
The others nodded in agreement, and Damaris said, “That lovely Lieutenant Harper said it will be. He was pretty angry about the mishap.”
“Jacob’s probably on his way here right now,” added Gideon as we resumed walking inside. “I know he doesn’t want to miss the trip. He’ll be back here soon.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” I said. “Now, we should have a tour before you settle in, so you know where everything is.”
The girls twittered in agreement, but Winnifred suddenly interjected, “Oh! I almost forgot, Tamsin. Mister Robinson wanted to make sure this got to you.”
She reached into her cloak and produced a folded sheet of paper. I didn’t have to open it when I took it with shaking hands. I knew what it was: Olivia’s drawing of our family.
“Th-thank you,” I said.
Winnifred beamed. “Oh, I only carried it. He’s the one that made sure it got rescued from the attic, so you can thank him when he gets here.”
I gave her a shaky nod and then began a cheerful tour of the keep, barely even aware of what I said as I walked around and smiled with my friends. On the inside, though, I wanted to curl up in a ball and blo
ck the world out, because I knew what the others didn’t. Jago would not be back to Kerniall anytime soon. In fact, we’d likely never see him again.
CHAPTER 27
“IT’S JUST LIKE WAITING ON THE DOCKS IN CULVER TO sail to Adoria, isn’t it?”
Several girls chuckled at Polly’s observation. A bitter wind whipped around us, tugging at hair and cloaks. On the East Sister, barges and boats rocked near the bank as Icori loaded crates and shouted orders. An overseer paced around with her list, directing each item and person to its place. The weight and size of all the objects and passengers had been taken into consideration and arranged into a precise plan.
“I don’t know. This wind puts me more in mind of the tempest,” noted Maria.
No one laughed at that. Today wasn’t a stormy day. Gusty, yes, but nothing out of the ordinary for late winter. Nonetheless, there was enough wind to make the boats sway more than they would have from current alone, and it was hard not to fixate on that. But the wind only made ripples on the East Sister, not massive, ship-swallowing waves. And even if a boat did capsize here, the bank was in sight, just like when we rode the Quistimac.
The perils of the journey had been on my mind, and in the last couple of days, I’d made a point of speaking to every girl individually to ensure there’d be no repeats of the panic some had experienced before sailing with the Balanquans. Most were comfortable with another water journey—or at least they claimed to be. I’d appointed Damaris and a few others to counsel anyone who might get cold feet. They all wanted to get to Cape Triumph, but the storm still haunted us.