Then yesterday, when they found out about the engagement, they made another card, and hung it on my other wall. Some of the kids seem to have seen the report on Inside Edition and have wished me luck “with the babies.” A few of the girls have drawn startlingly tender portraits of “the babies.” I am somewhat disturbed by this.
• Note to self: Must make sure we make screenings of 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom a regular part of our programming because I understand these shows have helped to lower teen birth rates by depicting how difficult it is to raise a child when you are not yet emotionally or financially ready.
Michael texted that the doctors to whom he was supposed to give his speech last night are willing to let him reschedule it for tonight and would I mind if he’s “home” late.
So sweet of him to ask! And almost like being married already. I texted back no, that I wouldn’t mind, but that I’d miss him, and included an emoji of a pair of kissing lips.
In return he sent a picture of an exploding volcano and said that’s what I should expect when he got home.
• Note to self: Make sure security-system glitch has been repaired. Forgot . . . I don’t have to! We’re engaged! No more sneaking around necessary.
CHAPTER 33
12:55 p.m., Tuesday, May 5
Frank Gianini Community Center
Rate the Royals Rating: 1
E-mail from Grandmère and her assistant, Rolanda, saying they want to put together an itinerary for me for my week and also begin the wedding planning and so need some input. It appears I’m to have some say in my wedding after all! They asked me to fill out and return the following:
The Wedding of Princess Amelia Renaldo of Genovia
to
Mr. Michael Moscovitz
GUEST LIST:
Michael and I would like to keep it small, family and friends only. I know this is asking a lot, but can we keep it under fifty, please? A hundred, tops.
WEDDING PARTY:
I don’t know who Michael is going to want, but as my bridesmaids I’d definitely like Lilly Moscovitz, Tina Hakim Baba, Shameeka Taylor, Perin Thomas, Ling Su Wong, and possibly Lana Rockefeller and Trisha Bush (née Hayes), but I’ll have to get back to you on that last one. I definitely want Rocky as a ring bearer/groomsman, though.
DATE:
We can’t possibly have it on July 18. That’s way too soon. Maybe in July of next year. Thanks.
VENUE:
Michael and I don’t mind having it at the palace but not the chapel, because we don’t want a religious ceremony and not the throne room (lack of intimacy). Outdoors would be nice. I’d love to have a beach wedding! But I realize crowd control could be an issue. Plus there is always the danger of drones.
GOWN:
My friend Shameeka works at Vera Wang, so we already have an “in” there. Her gowns are classic and beautiful, and it would be nice to have a designer who is a woman for a change.
But I know how important it is to use local vendors, so probably we should use a Genovian?
Since I want a beach or at least an outdoor wedding (fingers crossed), I’d like something simple, that I can dance in!
ENTERTAINMENT:
Obviously a DJ.
Michael wants our first song to be “Girl U Want” by Devo because he says it’s our song (since it perfectly describes how he used to think of me back in high school ), but I know that will never work since it’s much too fast!
So we’ll settle for Al Green’s “Take Me to the River” or “Tupelo Honey” by Van Morrison. See attached playlist for the songs we’d like during the reception.
FOOD:
While I know how the palace chef feels about buffets, a lot of people nowadays do have food restrictions, so it’s nice to be sensitive to that. So I think offering a variety of options, including a gluten-free and also a vegan entrée, would be nice.
Mini grilled cheese sandwiches, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and build-your-own taco/nacho bar would also be fun.
HONEYMOON:
It would be great to go to Mykonos. As you know, I’ve never been there, and I’ve always wanted to take the royal yacht and visit it as well as the surrounding islands. It’s supposed to be the “Ibiza of Greece”!
CHAPTER 34
1:15 p.m., Tuesday, May 5
Frank Gianini Community Center
Rate the Royals Rating: 1
Just got a text from Tina Hakim Baba:
HRH Mia Thermopolis “FtLouie”>
Hi, hope things are going well with the wedding planning, missing you! Anyway, Boris texted me this morning to ask if I thought you’d want him to perform at your reception. He said he’s booked that day in Cleveland, but he doesn’t mind disappointing the Borettes for you. I said I’d ask. So do you want him to?
I couldn’t believe it. I called instead of texting her back, because I was so upset.
“Tina, why are you even still taking Boris’s calls?”
She whispered, “I don’t know.”
“Why are you whispering?”
“I have finals this week. I can’t study at home, there are too many distractions, such as my refrigerator and Netflix, so I’m in my study carrel at the library. They don’t like it when we talk on our cells.”
“Oh, sorry. I forgot. Do you want to call me back?”
“No. I want you to tell me what it was like.”
“What what was like?”
“Michael’s proposal! Was it romantic? Did he put the ring in a champagne glass? I told him that’s what you wanted. I know it’s kind of cliché, and I explained to him about your fear of choking, but he said he’d make sure you didn’t—”
“It was totally romantic,” I said, smiling. I realized what she needed to hear was something to cheer her up. “And not at all cliché, and super sweet, and he did make sure I didn’t choke. He even got down on one knee—”
She squee-ed, something people often describe themselves doing on the Internet, but that you rarely hear in real life. However, what came out of Tina’s mouth was an actual squee sound.
“He did? Oh, Mia, how I wish one of those spy drones had gotten a picture!”
“Well, I’m glad one didn’t, because it was just between us.”
“I guess that’s good,” Tina said with a sigh. “So have you picked out a dress? Can I go with you to help choose it, like on that show Say Yes to the Dress, when the bride invites all her friends to sit and drink champagne while she tries on different dresses, and then they all hold up signs with thumbs-up or thumbs-down on them?”
I laughed. “It doesn’t work that way when you’re a princess. I’ll be having a one-of-a-kind gown professionally designed.”
“Oh, please?” she begged. “I have nothing to look forward to since my boyfriend cheated on me. Nothing except taking my stupid finals. Then I’ll get to spend the summer with my nosy family, who are just going to hound me about ‘putting myself back out there.’ I don’t want to put myself back out there, I just want to sit around and eat Doritos and watch bad movies on Netflix.”
“Tina,” I said, in a warning voice. “Come on. You have so much to offer the right guy!”
“I found the right guy, remember? Then he tossed me aside like I was a nothing more than a serving wench to use for his pleasure. Now, come on, you totally owe me for helping Michael give you the perfect proposal.”
I’m starting to realize why weddings are so important, and why people like them so much, even me: when our own lives aren’t going so great, weddings give us something to feel happy about. A bride is taking a journey, a magical journey toward a future of happiness and joy, and even though we aren’t taking that journey with her, we want to vicariously enjoy the ride.
“Okay,” I said to Tina. “I’ll see what I can do. But you have to promise, no more texting with Boris.”
She sighed. “Fine, I promise,” and then said, “What?” to someone who’d apparently opened the
door to her study carrel. “Oh, sorry,” she said to the person. To me, she whispered, “Sorry, that was Halim. He says the student in the carrel next door complained I’m being too loud.”
Halim is Tina’s new bodyguard, by whom she’s followed around due to her multimillionaire sheikh father’s conviction that she’s going to be kidnapped. Her old bodyguard, Waheem, started his own security business (now the third largest in the world) after he got married. He tried to lure Lars away, but Lars said he isn’t “the management type.”
“Well,” I said. “We should probably talk later, then.”
“Yeah,” Tina said, sounding glum, and hung up.
That’s when I saw someone had left a message while we’d been speaking. I hoped it was my dad—in spite of everything, I still wouldn’t mind speaking to him—but it was only Grandmère. Not surprisingly, she objected to my replies to her “wedding list.”
“Amelia, we have a tremendous amount to do in the next few weeks, so I hope you’re going to take this seriously. No granddaughter of mine is going to serve tacos at her wedding reception, much less something called a mini grilled cheese sandwich.”
Said the woman who’d never had a mini grilled cheese sandwich in her life.
“Now, Lazarres-Reynolds wants to know when you can meet with them,” Grandmère went on. “They’ve assigned us a really top-notch man—I quite like him, he’s the nephew of one of the founders of the firm. He’s free for lunch tomorrow, so I’ve had Dominique make reservations in one of the private rooms at the Four Seasons. You will be there at one.”
Oh, I will, will I? I was starting to catch on to my role in this whole thing. I’m “the bride”—the unpaid star of the show, who shows up when she’s told, and also does what she’s told, but otherwise keeps her mouth shut.
Oh, well. I guess that’s what brides—kind of like princesses—are for. We might think we’re in charge, but when all is said and done, our main purpose is to give people something to admire, and also to make them feel better about the world.
“I don’t understand why you’re so fixated on this Vera Wang person. Obviously we have to use a local. Dominique’s managed to book us an emergency appointment with your cousin Sebastiano. He’s become one of the premier wedding-gown designers in Europe, and is also Genovian, so you know what people will say if we don’t use him—that you’ve snubbed one of your own relatives, and worse, a fellow countryman. He just happens to be in town this week and says he has time to meet you, so make sure to keep all your afternoons clear.”
Of course. And I totally get it. Far be it from me not to hire a Genovian to design my wedding gown.
“And we’re going to have to start making a guest list. Find out from Michael’s parents who they want to invite so we can start screening them, but please emphasize from me that they can’t have more than twenty-five people because we really do only have room for five hundred and my personal list is already at two hundred and of course we have to include our own family and I assume you’ll want a few friends.”
How nice of her.
“As for the entertainment, of course we aren’t going to hire a disc jockey, nor will we have any of those ridiculous songs you asked for. Madonna? Don’t be absurd! You know she and I are still not speaking. And why would we have Dorothy’s dog Toto from the Wizard of Oz perform at your wedding? We’ll have a live, human entertainer. I’m having Dominique get in touch with someone I’m told is top-notch—I can’t think of his name offhand but I understand he’s extremely popular, and more importantly, very keen to perform for us, and for no fee. I think he’ll do nicely, and I’m positive he can sing that song Michael likes about the river, whatever it is, although I must say I’m surprised, as it sounds like a Christian spiritual, and I thought your intended was Jewish—not that I mind, I’m very open to all faiths, except yoga, as you know. Well, never mind, Dominique is going to send over a copy of your itinerary, so call me when you receive it if you have any questions. You know I don’t know why you even have a mobile when you never pick it up. Good-bye.”
I can’t.
I can’t even.
ROYAL GENOVIAN PRESS OFFICE
HRH PRINCESS MIA RENALDO
Itinerary for Week of May 4
CONTACT: Dominique du Bois
Director of Royal Genovian Press Relations and Marketing
CELL: 917-555-6840
OFFICE: 212-555-3767
WEDNESDAY, MAY 6
9:00 A.M
Limo to escort HRH to design offices of Sebastiano (119 Mercer).
9:30 A.M.
Meet with Sebastiano to go over Wedding/Bridesmaid Gown Designs
12:00 P.M.
Limo to escort HRH Mia to Four Seasons
12:15– 2:00 P.M.
Lazarres-Reynolds Luncheon.
Private room. Attendees: HRH Mia, HRH Dowager Princess Clarisse Renaldo, representatives of Lazarres-Reynolds.
2:15–2:45 P.M.
Limo will be waiting outside Four Seasons to escort HRH Mia to Plaza Hotel.
2:45–5:00 P.M.
Meeting with HRH Dowager Princess, Dominique, and Rolanda to go over cake, guest list, entertainment choices.
5:00 P.M.
Limo will be waiting to escort HRH Mia home to change.
7:00 P.M.
Limo to escort HRH Mia to the W Hotel.
7:30–10:30 P.M
National Heart Association Benefit Ball to Raise Awareness for Sudden Cardiac Death.
Talking points:
1. Heart disease is leading cause of death in the world for both men and women.
2. 5–10 minutes of running or brisk walking per day can cut risk of stroke/heart attack in half.
3. Don’t smoke.
10:30 P.M.
Limo to escort HRH Mia home.
THURSDAY, MAY 7
4:30 A.M.
Limo to escort HRH Mia and Michael Moscovitz to Wake Up America studios, Rockefeller Plaza.
5:00 A.M.
Arrive Wake Up America green room. Paulo will meet HRH Mia to do hair/makeup.
7:24 A.M.
Interview on Wake Up America. Topic: Royal Wedding/Genovia.
Talking points:
1. Sudden Cardiac Death: So terrible!
2. Wedding in July: So happy!
3. Genovia—popular summer tourist destination, especially in July. Rentals/hotel rooms still available!
4. Election—Prince Phillipe’s platform: Equality for all!
8:15 A.M.
Limo will greet HRH Mia at stage door and escort HRH Mia to breakfast at Plaza Hotel with Dowager Princess Clarice Renaldo and Rolanda.
9:00 A.M.–
12:00 P.M.
Meeting to solidify wedding invitation, cake, guest list, gown, entertainment choices.
12:15 P.M.
Limo to escort HRH Mia to the NoMad Hotel.
—Renaldo/21st Century Fox Luncheon—
1:00–3:00 P.M.
The Parlour. Attendees: HRH Mia, HRH Dowager Princess Clarisse Renaldo, Dominique, representatives from Lazarres-Reynolds and 21st Century Fox.
Talking points:
1. Discussion of granting 21st Century Fox exclusive worldwide rights to film Royal Wedding.
3:00 P.M.
Limo to escort HRH Mia home.
6:00 P.M.
Limo to escort HRH Mia to Gramercy Tavern.
—Renaldo-Moscovitz Dinner—
6:30–8:30 P.M.
Front room: HRH Mia and Michael Moscovitz, window table. Press will be contacted for “impromptu” photo op of happy couple dining together.
9:00 P.M.
Limo to escort HRH Mia to grocery store. Purchase: cat food. “Royals: They’re Just Like Us” photo shoot for Majesty Magazine.
10:00 P.M
Limo to escort HRH Mia home.
FRIDAY, MAY 8
9:30 A.M.
Limo will be waiting to escort HRH Mia to airport.
11:00 A.M.
Depart Teterboro on b
oard private jet.
10:00 P.M. (GST)
Arrive Genovia.
CHAPTER 35
1:45 p.m., Tuesday, May 5
Frank Gianini Community Center
Rate the Royals Rating: 1
Perin must have heard me hyperventilating over the itinerary since she just popped her head into my office and asked, looking all concerned, “Mia? Are you all right?”
I said, “Fine. I’m fine. Don’t worry, it’s not work-related. Just . . . something my grandmother sent over. But I’m good. Or I will be, after I make a few phone calls.”
Perin shook her head and said, “You know, Mia, you don’t have to stay at work today. I know how busy you must be with, um, everything you have to do with the wedding, and the stuff your dad has, uh, going on. You could leave, if you want to. You don’t even have to work from home. Ling Su and I have everything under control.”
I told her not to worry, I plan on coming in every day, as normal . . . well, as much as my schedule will allow.
I never saw myself as one of those women who only worked until she got a ring on her finger, then spent the rest of her life being a professional bride/wife (especially since I’m already a princess, which is basically a profession unto itself). I’m not exactly Lana Weinberger (Rockefeller).
But based on the itinerary Dominique has sent over, I can see how that happens for some people, especially when they have pushy families or spouses-to-be or their wedding is going to be internationally televised. There’s just so much to do!
I feel a renewed respect for every royal bride who ever existed.
Honestly, though, I have the best friends (and staff) in the world.
My family, I’m not so sure about.
CHAPTER 36
1:55 p.m., Tuesday, May 5
HELV on the way to the Consulate