behind me and I shudder as his warm lips land on the back of my neck. His lips disturb the hairs on my nape and I shiver. He kisses me lightly as his hands glide over my belly then he slowly gathers up the front of my dress.
“Wanna study?” he whispers in my ear as his hand slides into my panties again, instantly finding my spot.
“Yes,” I whisper breathlessly as his fingers caress me slowly and carefully.
His left arm holds me tightly against him so I can feel the solid heat of his erection against me as he slides two fingers inside me. My eyes close and a soft whimper escapes my throat as I lean my head back. He stretches me with his fingers and gathers my wetness before he slides his hand forward again to caress my clit.
“You want me inside of you?”
“Yes,” I reply as the pleasure builds slowly with every stroke of his finger.
He slips his hand out from between my legs and spins me around, crushing his mouth to mine as he pulls my body tightly against him. His fingers crawl over my hips as he gathers my dress up then hooks his thumbs into the waistband of my panties.
He pulls his mouth away and looks me in the eye. “I want all those people down there to hear you scream.”
I sigh as he kisses my neck hungrily. He keeps moving down, taking my panties down with him as he kneels before me. Stepping out of my panties, my body trembles with cold and anticipation.
He looks up at me and smiles and the pulsating ache between my legs becomes unbearable. As he lifts my dress, I grab hold of the wall behind me as he lifts my left leg and slowly removes my heel. Gently, he rests my foot on the top of his thigh and I can’t help but worry that his leg is in pain, though he doesn’t appear to be in any discomfort. He brings his lips to the inside of my knee and I pant as he kisses a trail up the inside of my thigh.
“Chris, are you okay?” I ask as his mouth lands on me and I suck in a sharp breath.
He chuckles and the vibration of his laughter sends chills over every inch of my skin.
“I’m perfect,” he murmurs. “Are you okay, babe?”
“Oh, yes.”
He uses his fingers to gain access to every piece of me, then he licks me like I’m his favorite flavor ice cream. His lips cover my clit, gently sucking as his tongue massages me.
“Oh... my... God. Chris,” I breathe his name as my legs become too weak to support me.
One of my hands clutches desperately to the wall as my other hand grasps a fistful of his hair. He drapes my leg over his shoulder and firmly grasps my ass to hold me steady as he lovingly sucks, kisses, and teases me with his mouth.
Curling into myself, my body twitches as the orgasm rocks me, rendering my muscles completely useless. He kisses my clit tenderly, a soft goodbye, sending one last chill through me as he pulls his mouth away. I wrap my arms around his neck for support as he stands up.
He smiles as he kisses my forehead. “What grade would you give that?”
I take a few deep breaths before I answer. “An A?”
“Not an A-plus?” he says as he hooks his arm around my waist and pulls my body against his. “Guess I’ll have to study harder.”
Even though he has just given me a mind-blowing orgasm, Chris takes his time making love to me in the bedroom. He moves slowly and methodically, letting the pleasure build then easing off. He kisses me tenderly as he glides in and out of me, and with every stroke I feel us becoming closer and closer.
“You’re the love of my life, Claire,” he whispers, his hips slowly grinding into me and sending shockwaves through me every time he hits my core.
He kisses me slowly, and each graze of his tongue relaxes me further. Squeezing my legs around his hips, I lift my pelvis, tightening myself around him as a jolt of pain flashes inside me. The moans that come out of my mouth are high-pitched, matching the rhythm of his thrusts.
“Oh, fuck,” he whispers as he pulls his head back and his arms begin to tremble. His eyes squeeze shut as he comes.
I grab his face and kiss his damp forehead then lick the salt off my lips. Collapsing on top of me, he nuzzles his face into my neck and I chuckle as he bites my skin. The scent of us mingles and leaves me intoxicated as we both attempt to catch our breath.
We lie in silence for a while before he kisses my neck and pushes himself up so he can look me in the eye. “I don’t want you to go.”
“Kind of hard for me to leave when you’re still inside me.”
“No, I’m not talking about tonight. Claire, I want you to live with me.”
I shift my hips a little and he winces. “Sorry.”
He slides out of me slowly then kisses my temple. “Think about it.”
Climbing out of bed, he quickly makes his way toward the bathroom. Even through the dim moonlight shining through his bedroom window, I can just barely see the shadows of the tattoos that decorate his muscular back and arms. He disappears behind the bathroom door and I pull the sheet over me as I turn onto my side. My mind immediately wanders to all the studying I have to do when I get back to the dorm tomorrow. I should text Senia to tell her not to wait up for me. She’s probably out with Isabel at the new sushi-karaoke bar that just happens to have go-go dancers.
Not my scene.
Not that I don’t like getting a little crazy with Senia every once in a while. Most of the time, I’d much rather be reading ahead for a class or listening to music. Or, now that we’re back together, I’d rather be lying in bed with Chris.
Maybe that’s my answer to his question.
Letting out a deep sigh, I turn over in bed just as the bathroom door opens. Chris comes out of bathroom and slides in next to me. I lay my head on his shoulder and drape my arm over his chest.
“My therapist raised his eyebrows when I told him we were back together today.”
He chuckles. “He just wants me all to himself.”
“Actually, I think that’s his way of telling me he approves. He’s kind of cryptic like that. He has a really nice voice, but he doesn’t talk much. Mostly, he just asks questions and raises one eyebrow when he’s skeptical and two when he’s pleased.”
“Did you just say your therapist has a really nice voice?”
I chuckle as I trace my finger over the tattoo on his chest; the tattoo he got for Abby and me. “Don’t worry. You’re the only one I think about when he serenades me.”
“He’d better watch out or I’m gonna have to challenge him to a sing-off.” He grabs my hand and lays a soft kiss on the backs of my fingers then kisses my forehead. “Want me to sing you to sleep?”
“Yes, please.”
He clears his throat then launches into a soft rendition of “Kiss Me” by Ed Sheeran. Listening to the words, amazed by the sheer amount of emotion he can pack into each note, I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. When he’s done, I kiss him on the cheek and his smile shines through the darkness.
“Goodnight, babe.”
I wrap my leg over his hips and he laughs as I squeeze him like an anaconda. “Goodnight, Christopher.”
Chapter Fourteen
Adam
Yuri’s refrigerator is full of health food. Fruits and vegetables, some I don’t even recognize, are bursting out of all the drawers and stacked on every shelf. He and his girlfriend, Lena, are both surfers, though she doesn’t surf professionally like Yuri. Lena teaches preschool full-time and surfs with Yuri during the NC season. Yuri will be leaving to Brazil soon to surf for three weeks. If I weren’t completely confused about everything going on with Claire, Lindsay, and Kaia, I’d probably be going with him.
Reaching into the far back of the top shelf, I grab an Amstel Light. Getting fucked up to forget the mess you’ve made of your life is not something I recommend, but it’s also the only thing I feel like doing right now.
“You may want to go easy on the beer or you’ll get a gut before the qualifier,” Lena says as I pop off the bottle cap and toss it into the trash bin.
“I don’t even know if I’m going to Austral
ia,” I reply then proceed to chug half the bottle in one shot.
The foam lights up my throat and fills my belly. I let out a huge belch as Yuri enters the kitchen.
“Dude, it’s only ten o’clock. Am I gonna have to confiscate your car keys?”
“What the fuck are you supposed to do when the person you’re in love with is in love with someone else and the person who ripped your heart to shreds needs you more than anyone?”
Yuri and Lena look at each other then slowly turn their heads toward me.
“You have to let her go,” Lena says, and for some reason I get the feeling they’ve already discussed this.
“I know I have to let her go, but I’m fucking miserable. The only thing I’ve got going for me right now is a child that’s not even mine. I know I should cut ties with Lindsay before I get attached to Kaia, but I think it’s too fucking late for that.” I laugh before I down the rest of the beer. “What the fuck is wrong with me? Don’t answer that.”
Lena’s sister Helen enters the kitchen and I quickly toss the empty beer bottle into the plastic blue recycling bin next to the refrigerator. Lena and her get to work arranging some snack trays while Yuri and I grab the last few beers from the fridge and make our way back to the living room where Helen’s husband, Jack, is rolling a joint while his friend, Brendan, packs the bowl on the bong.
I’ve only met Jack once, at Lena’s birthday party last year. Brendan is completely new to me, but they both work at the same accounting firm and like to brag about getting stoned on their lunch break. I haven’t smoked in two months, but the heady fragrance of the medical-grade stuff they’re smoking makes my heart speed up just thinking of inhaling.
Brendan passes me the purple bong and I stare at it for a moment. I’m not with Claire anymore. I don’t have to leave Yuri’s house at all tonight. They’ve already offered me the guest bedroom. I’m thinking tonight is a good night to see the world in a different light.
An hour later I’m stoned out of my mind off three bong rips. Two months is a long tolerance-break.
The warm light shining from the floor lamp across the room keeps splitting into pink and yellow, hexagonal shapes. I close my eyes, but the light penetrates my eyelids and the shapes continue invading my vision. The dubstep music playing from the iPod speakers on my left infiltrates my mind and vibrates inside my skull. Every bass drop and every scratching beat or lingering lyric stirs something inside my chest. I’m so fucked up.
I rise carefully from the sofa and make my way to the restroom. I lock the door behind me and grip the edge of the sink as I stare into the mirror. My skin looks a little gray. I turn on the faucet and splash some water in my face, but I can barely feel it. My face is numb from the beer.
I get a strong urge to peel my long-sleeve T-shirt off, but the vibration of my phone in my pocket stops me. Pulling my phone out of my jeans, I stare at it for a moment. Lindsay is calling me on a Saturday night. This is a first. She usually only needs me during the week for appointments and shit.
I answer the phone and she shrieks my name into my ear. “ADAM!”
“What the fuck?” I mutter.
“Oh, my God! They found him. The police just called me. They found me. I mean, they found him. Oh, my God.”
“What are you talking about? Slow down.”
“Nathan…. Adam, they found Nathan. He’s dead!” She screams the last two words and I feel as if someone has just plunged a knife into my stomach. “He drowned.”
She continues to mutter in between her shrieking cries of grief and suddenly I can taste the sharp smoke and the stale sweetness of the beer in my mouth. I can feel the warm air coming from the vent above me. The floor beneath me is solid as gravity seems to shift and suddenly I’m heavy, grounded, resolved.
“I’ll be there,” I say. “Don’t do anything. I’ll be there soon.”
I rush out of the bathroom and into the living room. Lena is sitting on Yuri’s lap and laughing as he blows air onto her stomach.
“Hey, I need a ride.”
Yuri looks up. “You leaving already, old man?”
“I need a fucking ride.”
“There are nicer ways to ask,” Lena says as she slides off Yuri’s lap.
I pull my keys out of my pocket and toss them to Yuri. “I’m too fucked up to drive and I need a ride, right now, please.”
Yuri jumps up from the sofa. “I’m on it, bro.”
It feels weird sitting in the passenger seat of my truck, but I don’t need a DUI on top of the bomb Lindsay just dropped. It takes Yuri a moment to figure out how to adjust the seat. As he pulls away from the curb in front of his apartment building in Durham, I silently wish that I’m hallucinating this shit.
“Where are we going, Miss Daisy?” he says as the truck slows to a stop at the first intersection.
“Lafayette Street. Lindsay’s house.”
The movement of the truck combined with the beer sloshing around inside my belly and the THC tickling my brainwaves is making me dizzy. Top it off with the dread I’m feeling about what Nathan’s death will do to Lindsay and Kaia and I’m about ready to vomit. I roll down the window and close my eyes as the freezing night air blasts me in the face.
“It’s fucking freezing. Are you crazy?” Yuri complains.
“I’m high as fuck,” I mutter, attempting to hold down the vomit stinging the back of my throat.
“That’s what you get for quitting for a girl. Lena would never make me quit.”
“I don’t want to fucking talk about it.”
I give Yuri the address number and we arrive at Lindsay’s duplex five minutes later.
“I’m going to call Lena to pick me up. You okay for now?” Yuri says as he hands me the keys.
“Yeah, I’m cool.”
I stumble out of the truck and try not to step on any of the cracks in the concrete driveway leading to the rear unit of the duplex. The porch light is on. It’s always on. Lindsay swears it deters burglars from trying to pick her lock. She has what I see as an irrational fear of home invasion robberies brought on by watching too many TV shows about unsolved crimes. When we lived together, she would often interrupt in the middle of having sex to ask if I remembered to lock the front door.
I knock on the door and she opens the door immediately. Her face is red and raw and the look of utter shock on her face kills me. I step inside and close the door softly behind me, trying not to let her see that I’m still swaying a little.
“I’ve been sitting here for weeks thinking he was fucking some other girl; hatching my plans to sue him for child support.”
“This isn’t your fault. Don’t let this fuck with your head.”
She clutches at her hair as she shakes her head. “Why? Is this because I fucked everything up with you? Is this what I deserve?”
“Don’t say that. No one deserves this shit.”
And in that instant, I don’t know if it’s the weed, but I have an epiphany I’ve been waiting on for six years.
“We don’t deserve this,” I continue. “We can’t keep blaming ourselves for the moments that get away from us; those moments where nothing makes sense. This isn’t our fault.”
She narrows her eyes at me as the tears roll down her cheeks. “Are you stoned?”
Fuck.
“A little.”
Her face contorts with excruciating anguish and she falls to her knees. “His dad called me.” I kneel down so I can hold her hand as she continues. “They’re not having a funeral. They’re scattering his ashes in the Pacific because that was his favorite place to surf. But I know the truth because the fucking guy at the county called me first. They had to identify him with dental records because there wasn’t enough of him left.”
I think of Nathan’s gold tooth and how they probably used it to identify his body. I cringe inwardly. He only had that tooth because I beat the shit out of him eight months ago.
“I may be a little stoned, but I know you didn’t do anything to deserve thi
s. Because most days I wake up thinking I’m a monster for what happened to Myles. And for a long time I thought you were a complete bitch for cheating on me. But I realized something right now that I wish I would have realized six years ago.” I place my index finger under her chin to lift her face and her chin is sticky with tears. “It’s not our mistakes that define us. It’s the lessons we learn that show our true character.”
Her blue eyes are dark with doubt. “What did I learn? To suspect Nathan of cheating on me instead of worrying he might be hurt, or dead?”
Her hands grasp the edge of her T-shirt, wringing it, as she awaits my response. I haven’t seen Lindsay this desperate since the last time we argued about getting engaged and she conceded defeat after a four-hour argument. She said she’d just wait for me to ask rather than trying to pressure me. That was almost a year ago, last Christmas, approximately one month before she got pregnant with Kaia.
“I think you learned who you can count on.”
I think we both learned that.
She whimpers as I take her hand and pull her into my arms. She weeps silently on my shoulder, wiping her face every now and again. Within minutes, we’re breathing in unison and she begins to relax.
“Thank you,” she whispers.
“For what?”
“Thank you for treating me like the person I’m trying to be instead of the person I was.”
I pull my head back and brush her hair away from her damp cheeks. “What do you need me to do? Do you need help paying for the plane ticket?”
She shakes her head. “I just… I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
“Is Kaia asleep?”
“Yeah, she’s in her room. She’s been asleep for an hour. Are you leaving?”
Her eyes plead with me to stay and I pause for a moment to take in the curves of her face. I remember the first time I saw her working as a TA in my comparative literature class. I always teased her that her English degree wouldn’t be worth shit in the job market.
“You don’t have to look at me like that. I’m still stoned. I’m staying whether you want me to or not.”
She smiles a little, but the smile quickly disappears. She probably feels she’s not allowed to smile right now.
I stand up without wobbling then extend my hand to her. “Come on, you need to go to bed. The last thing you need is your mom bitching about your puffy eyes. ‘You should put some hemorrhoid cream under your eyes, Lindsay. Don’t look at me like that! The supermodels do it.’”
She takes my hand and lets me help her up. “Wow…. Your impression of my mom is still better than mine.”
“It’s all in the inflection,” I say as I lead her toward the hallway. “And the number of times you mention supermodels.”
Chapter Fifteen
Chris
Waking up with Claire in my bed, in my own apartment, feels like a dream. She’s curled up next to me, clutching the corner of the pillow, with her mouth slightly open—looking exactly the way I remember her before we broke up seventeen months ago. Seventeen months and countless mistakes later, we still ended up right where we began, where we were always meant to be.
I watch her for a while before she opens her eyes, squinting one eye against the light pouring in through the window behind her.
“How long have you been awake?” she mutters as she reaches for me.
She lays her head on my shoulder as she wraps her arm around me and I imagine her closing her eyes and going right back to sleep. I tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss the top of her head.
“Just a few minutes. Do you mind going to breakfast with Tristan today? You can invite Senia, if you want.”
She laughs at this suggestion then kisses my chest before she looks up at me. “Is this some ploy to get Senia and Tristan together?”