I think back to that day and remember how I lay awake the entire night cursing myself for running out of the hospital instead of holding it together for just a few more minutes.
“I didn’t sleep either.”
“Yeah, but I did something.”
“What did you do?” I ask carefully.
“I checked out of the hospital early and called Tristan to pick me up.”
He doesn’t have to say anything else. I already know where this conversation is leading.
“You fucked someone?”
He winces at these words. “Not technically. Tristan took me home and some girls came over. I was fucked up on pain pills and one of them gave me a blowjob.”
I was with Adam when this happened so I technically shouldn’t care, but I’m furious.
“Is that how you deal with stuff now? By getting fucked up?”
“No, it’s not, but you were with… him and you weren’t answering my calls. I knew that it could possibly be the last time I ever see my daughter again and you didn’t even get to share that moment with me. I was fucked up even without the pain pills.”
“Why can’t you say his name?”
“I don’t want to say his name.”
I turn the key in the ignition and try not to think the obvious. Chris is the love of my life, but he’s still not ready to grow up.
“Are you mad?” he asks as I pull out of the parking lot.
“Of course, I’m angry. Don’t act like I have no right to be angry either because that will only make me more angry.” I shake my head as I change lanes so I can head for the highway entrance. “No one knows how to love me like you and no one knows how to hurt me like you.”
He’s quiet the whole drive home. I park next to the curb instead of in the driveway because I don’t know if I can go in right now. We sit in silence for a while before he turns to me.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I’m not sorry for being honest with you. You deserve nothing less.” He kisses my cheek then reaches into the back seat to grab his crutches. “You don’t have to come in if you don’t want to, but I know my mom would love it if you did. I’d love it, too.”
His lips slowly curl into a smile and I press my lips together to keep from returning the favor.
“Come on. You know you want to come in,” he coaxes me.
“I hate you,” I mutter as I pull the keys out of the ignition.
“I hate you, too,” he says with a soft smile that makes the breath catch in my throat. “I hate you from the bottom of my heart.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Chris
I DON’T WANT CLAIRE TO do anything she’ll regret later, which is why I’m going to make sure this is too good to regret.
When we step inside the house, I’m hit with a cool gust of air-conditioned air, but the house is completely quiet. Claire enters after me and I hand her my keys.
“Take the house key off the chain and make a copy for yourself.”
“I don’t need a house key,” she says, pushing the keys back into my hand. “I’m too busy to come visit when no one’s here.”
“You’re not visiting. This is your house.”
She looks away from me as she closes the front door. “Where’s your mom?”
“I thought she was here. She probably left to run errands.”
I set off toward the kitchen on my crutches, but I don’t hear her footsteps behind me. When I turn around, she’s still standing just inside the front door.
“Oh, come on. It’s not like we’ve never been alone in this house.”
She rolls her eyes before she follows me into the kitchen and takes a seat on the barstool at the breakfast bar. She doesn’t look much different than she did the first time we had sex three years ago. I lean on the other side of the bar just staring at her for a moment as I remember that day.
“Why are you staring at me like that? You’re creeping me out.”
I chuckle as I push off the bar and limp to the other side. “I was thinking of the first time we had sex. You were sitting right there before I took you upstairs.”
She glares at me, unblinking, before she replies. “We are not having sex.”
“I know, but you asked why I was staring at you.”
“You know, Chris, if you wanted to be nice you’d keep stuff like that to yourself, even if I ask you.” She scoots her barstool farther away from me. “Can you call Tasha to see what’s going on with Abigail?”
“I called her last night before I went to your dorm. I wanted to see if she had some good news I could give you in person.” She looks at me with that heartbroken expression because she knows what’s coming. “Nothing.”
“You should be lying down,” she says as she slides off the barstool and rounds the breakfast bar to retrieve my crutches from where they’re resting against the counter. “Do you need me to help you upstairs or are you good?”
“You’re leaving?”
She nods curtly and I can tell she’s trying to hold in her disappointment long enough to make it out to her car where she’ll probably cry.
“You don’t have to try to be strong. I feel like this whole situation with Abby is the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through and it’s not even close to how you must be feeling. You can talk to me.”
“I’m not going to cry. I’ve been crying way too much lately. I need to just be strong for a little while. Can you please just let me do that?”
I shake my head. “You’re such a nerd.” I get onto my crutches and nod toward the stairs. “Come watch a movie with me. I bought a TV for your bedroom so you have something to watch when you’re home.”
I don’t tell her what else I bought for her room because I’m sort of regretting buying it now.
“When do I ever have time to watch TV?” she says as she follows me up the stairs.
She must be curious about the TV.
“You used to watch that Vampire Diaries shit all the time. Don’t pretend like you’re some anti-TV hipster.”
I open the door to her bedroom and the sight of it makes my heart pound with anxiety.
She looks confused when she sees it. “You got me a bigger bed?”
“You’re going to think this is totally pathetic, but I got it a couple of weeks ago after you stopped taking my calls when I was still planning to go to L.A. tomorrow.”
“Why would you do that?”
I stare at her for a moment, hoping she’ll figure it out so I don’t have to say it. It takes her a moment before her mouth drops open.
“You… you got it for—”
“Please don’t say his name.” I let out a long sigh. “I didn’t want you to stop coming over to visit my mom just because I was gone and you had a new boyfriend. And I sure as hell didn’t want you two sleeping in my bed. And now that I think about it, I can’t even believe I did this. Now I want to burn this fucking bed.”
She looks puzzled for a moment before she starts laughing.
“There is nothing funny about this.”
She moves toward the bed and I reach for her hand. She looks over her shoulder at me.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh. This is actually really sweet of you.”
“Can we go to my room?”
She tilts her head as she looks at me. She reaches up and brushes her thumb over my eyebrow.
“Thank you for thinking of me,” she whispers.
I turn my face and kiss the delicate skin on the inside of her wrist. She looks at me and I see her breathing quicken.
“I was serious when I said I would do whatever it took.”
I drop the crutches to the floor and clutch her face as I pull her lips against mine. Her lips are so soft and taste like coffee with a hint of maple syrup. I slide my hand behind her neck as I slip my tongue farther into her mouth. She moans softly as her hands find the bottom of my T-shirt.
“I love you so much, Claire,” I say as I kiss her jaw. “I will always love you. I want you to be mine
.”
I bite her neck softly and she gasps. “You shouldn’t be standing like that,” she says as she pulls me toward the bed.
I walk on my cast across the room until we reach the bed. I don’t know if I’m in pain because all I can feel is my need for her. She lies on the bed and pulls me down on top of her.
“I officially claim this bed for you and me,” I whisper in her ear as I settle myself between her legs. I kiss her hard and she grinds her hips into me. “And now I’m going to claim you.”
“Oh, God, Chris,” she whimpers as she pushes my shoulders back and looks me in the eye. “Please don’t hurt me.”
“What? Why would I hurt you?”
“No, not today. I mean, later. Please don’t leave me again.”
I kiss her forehead then look at her for a moment.
“You are so beautiful.” I brush her hair away from her face and kiss her cheekbone. “The first time we had sex I had that song ready to sing to you, but I was so nervous that I was going to mess up.” I kiss her chin and she sucks in a sharp breath. “When I finished singing and you kissed me, I thought I was dreaming. I didn’t think there was any possible way that you could still love me after I fucked up that song so badly.” She smiles and I lay a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth. “That’s how I feel right now. I can’t believe you still love me after I fucked up so hugely. I will never do anything to jeopardize that again. That is my promise to you. If you’re mine, you’re mine forever.”
She shakes her head as she closes her eyes and I brace myself for the rejection. The silence kills me as she leans her head back. A tear rolls down her temple and I quickly wipe it away.
She opens her eyes and my pulse pounds in my ears as I await her response. “I missed you so much.”
I kiss her slowly, savoring the sweetness and movement of her lips, letting my mind take me back to all the moments we lay in this room kissing. This feels, if it’s even possible, better than all those other times. We’ve hurt each other and stumbled over our emotions and our words, but we’ve both grown. We’re still here, together, the way we always imagined it would be.
“I thought I had lost you forever,” I whisper as I move down to kiss her throat. I slip my hand under her shirt and her skin is so soft, I can’t wait to taste her. “Can I take this off?”
She nods and sits up a little so I can pull her shirt off. She lies back and, with her blonde hair fanned out against the pillow and her breasts burgeoning from her white bra, she looks like an angel. I take her breast in my hand and slide my finger between her breast and her bra to expose her nipple. I take her nipple into my mouth while keeping my eyes on her face to watch her reaction. She closes her eyes and lets out a small gasp.
I suck gently as I slide my hand under her back to undo the clasp on her bra. When the clasp is unhooked, I slowly slide her bra straps off her shoulders then toss her bra to the floor.
“Tell me you love me,” I say as I trace my finger lightly over the skin between her breasts and all the way down to the button of her shorts.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Claire
CHRIS HOOKS HIS FINGER UNDER the waistband of my shorts then unbuttons them with one hand as he stares at me, waiting for me to say what he wants to hear. I love Chris. There is no doubt about that. But something feels different.
He slides my zipper down and I place my hand over his to stop him. “Wait.”
He immediately moves his hand up to my waist. “What’s wrong?”
I suddenly feel exposed, lying here with my breasts uncovered in my old bedroom. I grab the front of his shirt and pull him down on top of me, to cover me up, then I wrap my arms around his neck.
“Claire, what’s wrong?”
I squeeze my eyes shut and hold him tight. “I want you. I do, but I don’t know if I can do this.”
He plants a soft kiss on my shoulder then whispers in my ear, “We don’t have to do anything. We can just lay here.” He kisses my jaw then pulls his head back to look me in the eye.
His gaze wanders over my entire face and I allow myself to do the same. He’s definitely the pretty boy in the band, even with all his tattoos and the lip ring. He’s just too beautiful to be scary. He bites his bottom lip, the way he does when he’s turned on, and now I have to have him.
“I love you,” I whisper as I cradle his face in my hands.
It hurts so bad to admit this because I still love Adam, but I can’t deny myself the happiness I know I’ll have with Chris for something that may never happen with Adam. He gave up on me when I needed him. I know Adam thought he was doing it for the right reasons, but I’m not sure I believe those reasons.
Chris kisses my temple then lays a soft trail of kisses along the side of my face until his lips are next to my ear. “You make me so happy,” he whispers before he nips my earlobe. “Let me make you happy.” His fingers skim over my ribs and I shudder. “I want you so bad. Do you want me?”
I nod vigorously. “Yes.”
His hand slides down my waist until he reaches the waistband of my shorts. “I’m going to go slow,” he says as he kisses my neck and gently tugs my shorts down. “Can I take these off?”
I nod again and he smiles as I lift my hips for him to remove my shorts. He leaves my panties on and takes his shirt off, which only gets me hotter with anticipation. I can’t take my eyes off the tattoo on his chest. He takes my hand and kisses my palm before he lays my hand over his heart.
“Hold on tight, babe.”
He positions himself between my legs and slides his hand behind my knee to pull my leg up. He kisses the inside of my knee and I’m breathing so hard I think I might pass out. His fingers brush the inside of my thigh as they travel up and find my panties. He leans down to kiss me as his fingers stroke me through the soft cotton so gently I feel as if I might burst with frustration.
I grab his hand and pull it out from between my legs. “What are you doing? I’m ready.”
He smiles and shakes his head. “I’m going to take my time and you’re going to like it.” He kisses me again, but this time he slides his hand inside my panties and eases two fingers into me. “You’re so wet.”
“You’re killing me.”
He chuckles into my mouth and I can’t help but laugh, until his fingers find my clit. “Can I take your panties off?”
“You don’t have to keep asking. Just do it.”
He slips my panties off and tosses them over his shoulder. “You might want to grab that pillow so you have something to bite down on because I’m about to make you come so hard.”
“Chris?”
“What?”
He’s never spoken to me like this before and it’s both shocking and extremely sexy. Unfortunately, I can’t help but wonder how many other girls have heard this exact line from him. But it’s too late now. I have to do this or it will drive me crazy.
“Don’t stop.”
He smiles as he leans down to kiss me and I wrap my legs around him. His jeans rub against me as he rocks his hips back and forth on top of me. I moan as his kiss becomes hungrier, his mouth seeking that seed of longing deep inside me. His hand roams over my breast and down my waist until he finds my butt. He pulls me into him, his erection like a rock under his jeans, as he kisses my neck. I lean my head back as I draw in a deep breath.
His lips move down my shoulder and over my chest until he reaches the valley between my breasts. He looks up at me as he licks my skin. I hold my breath as he kisses his way down my belly. Finally, his head is between my legs and his mouth is on me, hot and firm, as he takes my clit into his mouth and gently sucks.
“Oh, God,” I cry as my fingers grasp the comforter.
He pulls back and gives me a soft lick before he inserts two fingers inside me. His fingers beckon me, coaxing me further down the path of ecstasy. Then his tongue is on me again. His tongue swirls as his fingers massage me from the inside. He alternates between slow and fast, light and firm, as he lovingly pushes me over
the edge.
I snatch the pillow out from underneath my head and cover my face because I know I’m about to scream as if I’m being murdered. Suddenly, he stops and pulls his fingers out of me.
I lift the pillow from my face as he kisses my belly. “What? What’s wrong?”
He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a condom. “I changed my mind. I want you to come with me inside you.”
He carefully shrugs out of his jeans and boxers and I watch in amazement as he slides the condom on. His body is amazing. Even after four weeks in a cast, the ripple of his muscles, the way they flex as he moves, is mesmerizing.
He eases himself into position between my legs and takes my left hand in his right hand. He laces his fingers through mine, as if we’re about to start dancing, and looks into my eyes.
“I’ve been writing a song for you, but it’s not finished yet.”
I smile the kind of smile that penetrates down to my heart and through my bones. He smiles as he kisses the back of my hand.
“But I want to sing to you. Do you mind?”
“Of course not.”
I can tell right away when he starts to sing that it’s not one of his songs. He sings low at first, almost a whisper, then a little louder until I can hear some of the lyrics and I recognize the song: “Bloom” by The Paper Kites. His eyes and voice are full of such tenderness. I can feel each word, each syllable, wrapped in love as he delivers them to me, fills me with them.
When he’s finished, he kisses my forehead. “I love you.”
He keeps a firm grip on my hand and I hold my breath as he guides himself into me.
“Is that okay?” he asks as he watches my reaction.
“Yes, yes, yes,” I whisper as he grinds into me. “It’s very okay.”
He presses his lips to the inside of my wrist before he drapes my hand over the back of his neck and kisses me slowly. His mouth moves in time with his hips. His breath is hot in my mouth as he speeds up, the friction between us lighting me up.
“Oh, babe,” he breathes. “I missed being inside you.”
He slows down again, stretching me gently as he plunges deeper. I’m already sensitive from the attention he paid to me a few minutes ago. I’m getting so close to a bone-shaking climax, but I can tell he’s only just begun.
I pry his lips away from mine and look him in the eye. “I’m gonna come.”
He stops moving and smiles. “Let me help you out with that.”
He pulls out of me and slides his hand between my legs. He barely touches me and I dig my nails into his shoulders as I explode. But he doesn’t give me any time to recover as he plunges right back into me. He kisses me hard as he moves in and out of me, until we both orgasm together.
He lies on top of me, tasting my neck and shoulder, as we both attempt to catch our breath.