“Duarte,” I said, “why don’t you sit down? We are friends, aren’t we?”
He seated himself on the very edge of a chair.
“Good,” I said. “I’ve got a question for you. That life you just described, the life of a seafarer—it doesn’t sound like a life that has much room in it for wives. I could never be the sort of woman who tended the hearth and kept everything in place for a husband who dropped in once or twice a year when he felt like it. That seems to me quite pointless; one might as well stay single and live one’s own life.”
Duarte smiled. I liked that smile; it reminded me of our conversations on the Esperança, the way we sparked each other off with lively banter, each seeking to outwit the other in our debates on every topic under the sun. I had enjoyed those times. Father was right; Duarte was my intellectual equal, a partner such as I might have great difficulty in finding within my limited circle back home in Transylvania. He was clever, witty, possessed of a quirky sense of humor. He was also courageous, strong, and resourceful, not to speak of his physical charms and his considerable wealth. Not so long ago, I would have considered him completely unsuitable to be my husband or indeed anyone else’s. But he had proven himself to be a different man from the unscrupulous pirate I had once believed him.
“That wasn’t what I had in mind,” Duarte said quietly. “Nobody could imagine that a woman like you would be satisfied with that role, the stay-at-home wife waiting patiently while her husband goes off on adventures at a whim. It was for that reason I decided, long ago, that I would not marry. Such a partnership would be too uneven, and the kind of woman who wanted it would not be the kind of woman to interest me.”
I could not work out where he was heading. Down in the courtyard, near the area where Father was working, I glimpsed a tall, dark-haired figure in a dolman, with knives stuck in his sash. Suddenly every nerve in my body was on edge.
“Of course, when I made that decision, I had not met you, Paula,” Duarte said. “And I confess, during our earlier encounters, I had very mixed feelings about you. But I have entirely reassessed those feelings. I found it difficult to say farewell to you down at the docks. Then it came to me—I thought, perhaps I need not do this. Why should we not go forward together, side by side, companions in an even greater adventure? I believe we would continue to surprise and delight each other and add spice and sweetness to each other’s life.”
Down in the courtyard, Stoyan was moving in and out of the storage room, talking to Father. He looked as if he hadn’t slept a wink. My heart did a strange kind of flip-flop, as if to remind me to be honest with myself.
“You know I admire you, Duarte,” I managed. “I have greatly enjoyed your company. The voyage, your determination to fulfill your debt of honor, the way you conducted yourself…I can’t fail to hold you in high regard after that.” I drew a deep breath, struggling to keep calm. It wouldn’t be fair to cut him off short; he was a friend, and I owed him respect. “You still haven’t really answered my question. If I accepted you, where would I fit into the future you have said you want, the future of voyages and adventures and discoveries?”
“I was hoping,” he said, coming closer and dropping to one knee beside me, “that you would share it with me, Paula. Be my partner on the Esperança, travel with me, share my adventures. We would make an invincible team. Together, we could achieve anything. And think what enjoyment we would have doing so. Paula, I don’t think I am wrong in interpreting your willingness to spend time in my company as perhaps indicating you feel more than friendship toward me. I know your father intends to sail for home tomorrow. We don’t have much time. Can you give me an answer?”
The han seemed suddenly hushed. My answer trembled on my lips, reluctant to become sound, for I valued Duarte’s friendship and I respected the honesty with which he had presented his proposal—while it had scarcely been romantic in nature, he had said it in plain words, not masked by empty compliments. I rose to my feet, moving to stand at the railing. “Please don’t kneel like that,” I said, feeling tears somewhere close. “You’re making me feel awkward. Come over here, take my hand.”
He knew, then, that I was going to say no. I saw it on his face as he moved closer and put his hands around mine.
“I can’t,” I said bluntly. “I have a high regard for you, Duarte, and if the circumstances were different, I would accept your offer gladly. But I can’t.”
“Just like that you refuse me? Will you not at least take a little time to consider this? We could…” His words trailed off as he met my gaze. “You mean it,” he said simply. “You won’t change your mind.”
“I’m sorry, Duarte.” Cheeks flaming, I tried not to glance down to the courtyard. “You’re a fine man, and it hurts me to cause you pain. But I know I could never love you the way I should.”
He shrugged, lifting his brows and giving me that sardonic little smile. It made me want to cry.
“Ah, well,” he said, “I can see it’s back to a life of piracy for me. So much for redemption through the love of a good woman. It’s time I was off. But first…” And before I could so much as draw breath, he swept me into his arms and kissed me full on the lips, not the cheeky, joking kind of kiss he had given me as I left the Esperança but a proper kiss of a sort I had never before experienced. It was lovely: passionate, tender, a little frightening. It was a kiss that said, This is what you’re giving up. This is what we might have had. He did not release me for a while. When at last he did so, it was to turn abruptly on his heel and head off down the steps without another word.
I watched him cross the courtyard and vanish out the arched entry. As I turned back, I found myself looking directly at Stoyan, who was standing motionless in the open doorway of the storage room where he and Father had been working, gazing up at me. If he had appeared tired and dispirited before, now he looked like a man betrayed. There was no guard on his expression: The amber eyes were blazing with hurt, the lips twisted in furious outrage. If I had thought his feelings less strong than mine, I’d been wrong. I opened my mouth to call out, to offer some explanation, but he turned and disappeared inside. He must have seen us, Duarte and me. He had probably seen everything.
I was in no state to run down and explain myself, especially not in Father’s presence. I retreated to my closet, where I sat on the pallet and stared at the wall. Tati’s embroidery was spread across my pillow. I ran my fingers over the dancing figures, longing for my sisters to be here. Stela would give me a comforting hug; Jena would provide wise advice. Iulia would make a joke about men and how impossible they were. But my sisters were far away, and I felt utterly alone. The thrilling peril of the journey, the tragedy and triumph and the bond of friendship I had shared with these two men, each so lovely, each so different, seemed further away than ever. I had managed to wound both of them and to make myself utterly miserable.
A little later, after washing away the tearstains, I went down to the storage area. If I had to, I would ask Father if I could speak to Stoyan alone. I would tell Stoyan that I wanted to spend my life with him, no matter what. If there were obstacles, surely the two of us together had the strength to deal with them. We’d proved that on our journey through the mountain, hadn’t we? It sounded logical, but I was trembling with nerves as I went down the steps. How brave are you, Paula? I asked myself. Brave enough to put your heart on a chopping block and invite your dearest friend to cut it up?
The storage room was empty. Father and Stoyan had taken the last of our goods to the waterfront. I borrowed a millet broom and gave the chamber a vigorous sweeping. Under the rhythmic swishing sound, words came to me, a verse I had come close to forgetting in the turmoil that my life had become since our passage through the mountain. Water and stone, flesh and bone. Night and morn, rose and thorn…. I had not taken one gift out of Cybele’s treasure cave but two. How could I forget something as important as a riddle? At the time, it had seemed no more than nonsense pairs of contrasting words. Tree and wind, heart and mind.
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Now, abruptly, I knew exactly why the crone had given it to me. I imagined strong stone supporting and aiding the passage of fluid water; a delicate flower protected by its sharp thorn, the two interdependent, contrasting parts of the same whole. I pictured a gale shivering through the trees, seeds spiraling downward to start a new forest. I considered how day followed night in inevitable sequence, each giving meaning to the other. The perfect team could be two people who were as unlike as rock and stream, high peak and west wind, bare earth and green shoot. They could complement and enhance each other’s strengths and make up for each other’s weaknesses. They could be so close it was as if they shared flesh and bone, heart and mind. That was how it had felt with Stoyan and me as we traversed the cave of the lake. We had worked together as if we were two parts of the same self. And that was how it felt now. I knew that if I lost him, something inside me would break beyond mending. There was no need to present him with logical arguments to support my case. There was no need for despite. All I needed to say was I love you.
The sweeping finished, I paced up and down the courtyard until Maria called me up to her quarters, saying she couldn’t bear to watch me any longer, and plied me with coffee and little honeyed pastries. I could tell she had seen me talking to Duarte, but I offered no explanations, and she was not quite prepared to ask what had occurred between us. I did wonder what damage my reputation had suffered after the journey and how much impact that might have on Father’s continuing success in these parts as a trader. Once we sailed back home, the stories would all die down, I thought. People would forget as soon as some new scandal took their interest.
“I think your father’s back, Paula,” Maria said, looking down toward the courtyard. We had been standing by the railing, finishing a second glass of tea and enjoying the warmth of the day while the activity of the han went on below us. She was smiling; it was clear she knew my mind was far away.
Father had come in through the arched entrance and was heading for the steps to the gallery. There was no sign of Stoyan.
“Thank you for the tea,” I said. “I’m sorry if I seem a little out of sorts. I’m still tired and there’s so much to do before we leave….”
“No trouble, Paula. Let me know if there’s anything more Giacomo and I can do to help.”
When I reached our apartment, Father was taking off his hat and cloak. He looked unusually somber.
“Father, is something wrong? You were gone a long time. Was there a problem with the goods?”
He shook his head. “No, Paula, everything is loaded and the Stea de Mare’s captain is confident of leaving on time tomorrow morning. I can hardly believe we’re headed home at last. It’s felt like a lifetime.”
“I’m sorry—”
He hushed me with an uncharacteristically sharp gesture. “No, no. Let’s not have that. What’s happened has happened, and you acted with the best intentions. You are safe, and I have come through my experience undamaged, if somewhat prematurely aged, so no more need be said on that score. I suppose I should ask what answer you gave Senhor Aguiar.”
“I refused him, Father. I like Duarte very much, but we are not suited as life companions. He accepted my answer, though I could see he was upset. Father, where is Stoyan?”
He did not answer immediately but looked at me with a little frown, as if he had some news he was unwilling to tell me.
“What, Father? You’re worrying me. What is it?” I put my hand on his sleeve.
“You won’t like this at all.”
I waited, heart suddenly racing.
“Stoyan’s gone,” Father told me flatly. “Once we’d seen the goods safely loaded onto the Stea de Mare, he announced that as we were to sail tomorrow, his duties for us were effectively at an end. He requested to be released forthwith. I had already paid him what he was owed and a little more for service beyond the call of duty. I did protest. I told him you’d be most upset if you couldn’t say goodbye, but he wouldn’t change his mind. On the face of it, his request was entirely reasonable. I had no choice but to let him go.”
I felt as if my insides had plummeted to the ground. Stoyan couldn’t do this! He couldn’t! I clutched Father’s arm. “Father, I have to see him! I have to go down to the docks. He might still be there! We must go right now—”
“Shh, shh, Paula, take a deep breath. It’s much too late for that, I’m afraid. The goods are already loaded; Stoyan could be anywhere. You know what that crowd is like—”
“I can’t let him go like this, Father, I just can’t. I never told him…And then he saw us, me and Duarte, and…I can go by myself. I’ll run all the way—” I heard what I was saying and came to a shuddering, tearful halt. “Please, Father,” I said, struggling to sound calm. “Can we try?”
“Oh, dear,” Father observed mildly, getting back to his feet. “I suppose Giacomo might be prevailed on to lend us a cart. Come, then. Please don’t get your hopes up, Paula. I have no idea where he was headed, and this city is a very easy place to get lost in.”
We made good progress, Father driving the horse himself, I seated beside him with my veil up over my nose, trying to scan the crowd in all directions for a very tall man with dark hair, a pale, scarred face, and a wounded look in his eyes. Deep inside, I was muttering a silent prayer to whomever would listen, to bring him back to me just long enough for me to tell him I loved him, even if he heard it and chose to walk away again. Why hadn’t I got those words out the night of Cybele’s return? Why had I left it so long that he had seen me in Duarte’s arms and probably leaped to all sorts of conclusions? Why, oh, why had I forgotten the riddle? He had chosen to step back, on the voyage home, and give me and Duarte time alone together. He’d probably made a decision that the pirate, with his wealth, status, education, and ready wit, was better suited to me than he was. In the eyes of the world, perhaps this was so. But not in mine. And if I told him how I felt, if I was brave enough to come right out with it, maybe not in Stoyan’s either. If a man truly loves…he gives no heed to what others may think. His heart has no room for that, for it is filled to the brim with the unutterable truth of his feelings. That hadn’t been a speech about me and my pathetic attempt to express myself or he would have said, If a woman truly loves. Those had been the words of his own heart. And I’d missed it; I’d missed it. I’d been so stupid, and now, if we didn’t hurry up, I was going to lose him forever….
Halfway down the last road to the docks, a cart had lost a wheel and was blocking the way completely. A group of men stood around it arguing while a boy worked to unharness the two horses.
“Oh, please, oh, please,” I breathed as Father used skills I had not realized he possessed to turn our vehicle and head off down a side way. We went through a maze of smaller streets. A dog that had been sleeping outside a doorway fled at our approach. I found myself wishing Tati were still here to guide us safely to the waterfront, but there were no eerie presences about today, only obstacles in the form of crates and barrels, fruit vendors’ little stalls, porters bearing bundles, stray cats streaking across our path.
“Breathe, Paula,” my father advised as he turned the cart onto the dockside and we were enveloped in a press of folk. “You’re wound as tight as a spring. Stay on the cart or you’ll be trampled. I’ll drive along to the Stea de Mare, but if you can’t see him anywhere on the docks, there’s nothing more I can do.”
I bit my nails to the quick as we made a painfully gradual progress along the busy waterfront to the place where our vessel was moored, her decks shipshape, the last of her cargo being neatly stowed as we watched. Farther along, the Esperança was at anchor. I looked ahead, behind, into the mass of dockworkers and trading folk, visiting dignitaries and port officials, anonymous robed travelers and sweating slaves. I looked until my vision blurred, until my neck was stiff, until an aching flood of unshed tears had built behind my eyes. At the Stea de Mare, despite Father’s warning, I got down from the cart—he followed quickly, motioning a crewman to come and h
old the reins for him—and went on board to question the crew about Stoyan. Nobody had seen anything of him since he and Father had brought the last load down. I came back down the plank and stood very still by the cart a moment. Then I climbed up to the seat and put my head in my hands.
“I’m sorry, Paula,” Father said as he got up beside me. “Truly sorry. But the fact is, if he doesn’t want to be found, there will be no finding him. This will fade in time, my dear. Once we’re at sea and on our way home, things may not seem so desperate.”
I said nothing as he flicked the reins and the horse headed back toward the han.
Are you brave enough, Paula? I asked myself as the tears began to fall. Are you brave enough to live with a broken heart? And I could not dismiss his words because, after my mother had died, that was exactly what my father had done.
“Tell us about going across the swinging bridge! No, tell us about balancing on that man’s shoulders and collecting the animals!”
It was spring, almost a year since Father and I had left Istanbul, and Stela was still thirsty for the story, no matter how many times I told it. My younger sister found the tale of desperate pursuit at sea, deeds of courage and magical trials, a devious Greek scholar and a charming pirate captain utterly thrilling. The pirate, especially. As for the news of Tati, all my sisters had greeted that with mixed feelings when I told them. They were happy that she was well, impressed by her bravery, and sad that she was missing us so badly. Iulia and Stela were also, I suspected, a little jealous that I had been the one chosen for an Other Kingdom quest. For the first few months, we had expected Tati to turn up one day, out of the blue, ready for the visit she had earned. But so far there had been no sign.