***
Dinner was quiet. Every time I tried to speak I felt that ache in my throat, every tight exhale wanting to shudder into a sob. I wanted to cry and I couldn’t. I wanted to leave, to go to him, and I couldn’t. Not yet. We’d leave after my mom went to bed, giving us ten hours of uninterrupted driving. We could make it to Presbyterian Hospital by morning.
And then…
“You’re not hungry?” my mom asked.
I stabbed holes in my baked potato, steam trailing out.
“That’s called discipline,” my grandmother cut in. “Girl’s on a diet, can’t you see?”
“She is not on a diet.” My mom looked at me. “You’re not on a diet are you?”
“No. I am not on a diet. I’m just tired, I guess.”
“Maybe you should call it an early night. Get some rest.” My mom glanced at my grandmother. “Maybe we all should.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” my grandmother asked.
“It means, I thought we already talked about the volume on the TV and you said you’d turn it down.”
“Talk? What talk?”
“That’s it. I’m getting rid of the DVR.”
“Oh, so now you’re gonna punish me like some kind of child?”
“Well, you’re acting like one.”
“Well, maybe you should have talked a little louder. I’m old. You know I can’t hear.”
“May I be excused?” I said.
No one heard me and no one answered and no one noticed when I left the room. I shut my bedroom door but they were still arguing. Maybe my mom was right about it having been a rough episode. She wasn’t usually so highly strung and she only got like that when she was stressed out—the origin of her stress usually being me.
It finally got quiet, the low clank of dishes in the sink the only sound. I heard the water shut off, the TV click on, and then the phone rang. A few minutes later there was a soft knock on my door, my mom peering inside.
“Still up?”
I minimized Roman’s picture in the newspaper, closed my laptop.
“That was Dr. Sabine.” My mom slid down next to me, knees curled into my side. “It was about Germany.”
“They want us to start making arrangements?” I asked.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“But soon?”
“It’s up to you. If you want to take a break after graduation…”
I could see it in her eyes that she wanted me to take a break. But not just because she thought I needed one, because she needed one.
“Do I have some time to think about it?” I asked.
I’d already made the commitment to go but that didn’t mean I wasn’t still afraid.
She reached for my hand. Her wrists were dark.
“Did I do that?”
She waved a hand, pulled them to her chest. “It was a rough one for both of us, I guess.”
“What do you mean? I…” I couldn’t finish the rest of that sentence.
“I tried to turn you. You got a little agitated, that’s all.”
“That’s all? No. Mom, I’m s—”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not.”
I thought about how upset I’d been; still was over what I’d found that night on the roof. It was still simmering there even when I was sleeping and I’d hurt her in a way that I could see.
What if Dani was right again? What if I’d been right from the beginning? Being with me would be hard no matter how fast Roman recovered, no matter how many pieces of him could be stitched back together. If he could be stitched at all. Fixed. And what if he was terminally broken? How could he love me then?
“How long, again?” I asked.
“The summer.”
“Three months?”
“Three months. They’d set us up with an apartment, money for groceries, things like that.”
“What about grandma?”
“She’d stay with your aunt I’m sure.”
“And your job?”
“I’d have to see about taking a leave of absence. I’ve been with them long enough, hopefully they wouldn’t mind.”
“Hopefully…”
“Hey, your only concern should be getting better. If you want to do this, I’ll take care of everything else. Just say the word.”
Three months. What if he did wake up?
“Tell Dr. Sabine I want a little more time. Please.”
“Okay, but we’ll have to let Dr. Sabine know the plan by the end of the week.” My mom kissed the top of my head. “Get some rest. We’ll talk more in the morning.”
She flicked the light off and closed the door. I tried not to think about her face the next morning. How would I explain Roman? How would I explain any of it?
When I heard her go to bed I texted Dani to come pick me up. Then I tore a sheet from the stationery my grandfather had given me for Christmas one year. I clicked the pen with my thumb, trying to think. I heard my phone buzz and saw headlights flash across my window. They went dim, the engine cutting off. I looked back down at the stationery and then I wrote—Left with Dani to help a friend. I promise I won’t be gone long.
I figured long was a fairly relative term. I’d be back by the end of the week at least. I’d have to so we could give Dr. Sabine an answer about Germany.
My phone buzzed again and I grabbed my jacket off the bed before climbing through the window. I ran out to the car and I saw Felix in the driver’s seat.
“So much for being discreet,” I said.
“You think I’m going to drive ten hours by myself?” Dani said. “Plus he said he’d split the gas.”
“Why?”
Felix put the car in drive. “Because this is fucking weird. There’s no way I’m missing it.”
“Glad I can entertain you.”
He was quiet, cleared his throat. “Joking aside, I’m sorry he’s—”
“Thanks.”
I really didn’t want to think about how or what Roman was—brain dead, or paralyzed, or suffering from amnesia; a stranger who’d lose all recollection of me the moment he opened his eyes. That could happen, right? He could wake up and it could erase everything. It could erase me.
There were so many things out of my control—essential important things that I couldn’t even bare to think about. So I didn’t. I just curled up next to the window, watching the city recede in harsh red flashes until the silence felt like home.