Plutoed
by
Michael D. Britton
* * * *
Copyright 2012 by Michael D. Britton / Intelligent Life Books
“What was that?” asked Jim Barnes as he gripped the gray metal handrail of the concrete staircase leading up the cliff face from the breathtaking Lincoln City beach with its giant mounds of driftwood. His footsteps sounded like sandpaper, his back to the vast Pacific Ocean as he came to a stop at one of the landings.
“I’ve no idea – was it an earthquake?” replied Janet, equally shaken and confused. A gust of salt air whipped at her face and rustled the tall grass that grew along the staircase.
“I don’t think so – I’ve felt those before, back when I lived in the Bay Area. That felt like a shockwave from the sky.”
They looked up and down the empty beach, their eyes scanning the piles of driftwood logs and rocky outcroppings all the way to where the coastline mingled with the mist at the horizon.
Then, together, they slowly looked up.
And gasped.
#
“Can you be more specific please, Rhea?” asked Kronos, Father of the Gods, as he reclined on a giant velvet day bed perched atop a set of marble steps. A thick white mist swirled around the perimeter of the palatial chamber. “You have three boys – Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades. Which of them is causing trouble this time?”
Rhea got to her feet and tossed her peeled grapes at Kronos’ face, wiped her hands on her flowing white tunic. “We have three boys, Krony. They’re not just our boys when they’re being heroic, and my boys when they’re tossing thunderbolts and wrecking ships. You must be more engaged.”
Kronos rolled his eyes. “Yes, dear. So which one is it?”
“Guess.”
“Well, Zeus is dating Hera. They didn’t – you know – get into trouble, did they?”
“No, they didn’t. And it’s not Zeus.”
“Surely it’s not our little Poseidon? He has a temper, but he’s a good kid for the most part.”
“You’re right,” said Rhea. “That leaves Hades.”
“Well what’s he done this time?”
“Krony, you know how it is. He’s sixteen million. The teens are such a hard time for a young god.”
“What did he do?” Kronos rumbled, his face a rock.
“Well, you know how he goes by the name of Pluto when he’s with the other boys – you know, Mars, Mercury and the the rest of the Solar Gang.” She bit her lip. “Well, the humans have dealt his tender teenage ego a real blow.”
“Go on.”
“They’ve demoted Pluto to a dwarf planet.”
“A dwarf?”
“A dwarf.”
“What exactly does that mean?” asked Kronos.
“Their scientists – their vaunted elite – the ones all the scholars look up to – they’ve decided that Pluto isn’t big enough or the right shape or – whatever – to warrant being included with the other celestial bodies.”
“Leaving out my boy!” boomed Kronos.
“Yes, well, leaving the ignominy of such a heinous affront aside, we must now deal with one very peeved young god.”
“You haven’t answered my question, Rhea. What did he do?”
“He tossed a small asteroid at Earth. Oh, it just landed in the ocean but it really gave them a scare.”
“Agh! That’s nothing,” said Kronos with a dismissive wave of the hand. “Remember what Poseidon did when one of the leaders of the humans caused the planet to warm up? How he got mad and wrecked that nice little town – what was it?”
“New Orleans, yes. Well, I don’t think Pluto is done with his temper tantrum.”
“And what do you suggest we do? Send him to his room?”
“Oh no, we can’t do that anymore. If he vanishes, and turns up in the Oort Cloud, as they call it, their astronomers will pull their hair out. No, what we need to do is talk to him.”
“And say what? You know he won’t listen to us. He thinks we’re just a couple of old cranky gods.”
“We are a couple of old cranky gods, Krony. But we’re his parents. We need to do something for the boy.”
“Then let’s talk to his peers – get them to talk some sense into him before he destroys Earth in a fit of rage.”
“His peers are half the problem. Being demoted to a so-called ‘dwarf planet’ is humiliating. Mercury and Mars have been mocking him to no end. And now the humans have even created a new verb – ‘to be Plutoed.’ I just don’t know what to do.”
“Well, don’t go to Mars and Mercury, that’s for sure. What about his big brother? Surely Zeus can talk some sense into him.”
“Zeus is the worst of all his tormentors. In that Solar Gang they call him Jupiter, and he’s got plenty of weight to throw around. All those moons, and his pretty red mole. All the girls fancy him, and Hera is wrapped around his finger. He told me just yesterday he’s going to give her a ring. He’s serious about her, but he’s still silly enough to spend his time harassing poor Hades.”
“What of Uranus?”
“Your father? Now that may not be a bad idea. He’s always been pretty close to the boy, even though Pluto seems to go out of his way to avoid him sometimes. Perhaps he’ll listen to him.”
“I’ll see if I can get him to talk some sense into the boy,” said Kronos. “Now, how about some more grapes?”
#
Pluto peered across the heavens at the little blue, green and white orb.
Earth.
He sneered. Demote me, will they?
Summoning all his strength, he flung a nearby Kuiper Belt object (known to the puny humans as number 55121) directly into Earth’s path.
That oughtta show ‘em.
#
Jim and Janet Barnes headed back to their home observatory, still trembling from their experience at the beach. In all their years as astronomers – teaching college, taking fieldtrips - they’d never witnessed anything like it.
The massive meteorite – it must’ve been as big as a Hummer - had flown overhead like a crashing jet and struck the ocean about a half mile from shore. Jim and Janet had barely escaped the resulting tsunami by sprinting to high ground along Highway 101, just up the road from their favorite seaside inn.
Their green Volvo took them inland fifteen miles to their secluded log home, arriving just after dusk. After placing an urgent call to the National Radio Astronomy Observatory, they rolled open the roof over their state-of-the-art Maksutov-Cassegrain telescope and proceeded to scan the night skies for any evidence that what they’d witnessed was part of a major meteor shower.
When the two astronomers pointed their lens toward the dwarf planet Pluto, what they saw blew their minds.
#
“Pluto!” said Uranus, approaching the planet/god at the zenith of his elliptical orbit.
“Don’t even bother to call me that,” said Hades, pouting. “What do you want, anyway? I’m busy.”
“Hades,” said Uranus. “Don’t you talk to me with that tone.”
“Sorry, Grandpa. But I am busy.”
“Busy doing what? Squishing humans with your thumb? That’s productive.”
Pluto spun on his axis. “But they hate me! And now I’m the laughingstock of the whole Solar Gang.”
“Oh, but do they really hate you? Did you see all the protests – and the counter-protests? You’re a celebrity. There are plenty of people sticking up for you, you know. Not all the humans down there want to see you relegated.”
“Protests? Really?”
“Really,” said the ancient and wise god. “There were flocks of school kids picketing the scientists. Calling for you to be reinstated as a full-fledged planet.”
Hades started to
brighten. Then his face turned dark again. “But they didn’t do it. I’ve been kicked out of the planet club, and no amount of protesting is going to change that. Have you heard what Mars and Mercury have been saying?”
“I understand they’ve been deriding you – even badmouthed you in front of Venus and Persephone. I’m sorry to hear that.”
Hades fumed. “You have no idea,” he whispered. Seething, he grabbed another Kuiper Belt object (number 12867) and hurled it toward the inner planets. “They know full well I intend to make Persephone mine. Yet they mock me openly before her. Now she has turned a cold shoulder to me, and to Earth also – making their seasons drastic and dire.”
Uranus pondered the situation. “Listen, you need to just let it go. There are more important things with which to concern yourself than what a bunch of silly human astronomers have decided to call you.”
“No there aren’t,” Pluto shot back. “My standing in the community is at stake. I must save face.”
“Throwing a tantrum won’t help you there,” said Uranus, shaking his head and sighing.
Hades hefted another space rock. “I am asserting myself, that’s all.” He forcefully flung the object toward Earth. “And nobody can stop me.”
#
Jim and Janet Barnes couldn’t believe their eyes.
Three enormous fragments were headed straight for Earth at a phenomenal velocity.
Panic raced through their hearts.
“Are you sure this is right?” asked Janet. “Are we seeing what we think we are?”
“Yes, dear,” said Jim. “But I – I can’t believe it.”
“How could the observatories have missed this? Why didn’t they see them coming?” asked Janet, tying her long hair back in a pony tail and jotting down some numbers.
“They had to have seen them,” said Jim, rubbing at his graying beard. “The government must have kept it quiet to avoid a panic.”
“Well, I’m panicking!” said Janet, finishing up some calculations. “Those objects are on a collision course! We could be dead in a month – along with every living thing on the planet!”
#
Pluto stared wistfully at the distant sun.
Helios.
Even he didn’t care. Nobody cared. Nobody understood how miserable it was to be so trodden upon, so ridiculed, so trivialized.
If only he could come up with a plan to reassert his influence and regain his place of prominence among the celestial bodies.
He knew running amok was not the answer. But he did have to make a splash somehow – really get some attention.
He tried eclipsing all three of his moons at once, figuring that would make for quite a spectacle. But the display only got the attention of a few Earth geeks, and was not enough to rally the whole population.
He decided to listen in on the Earthlings – find out what they were saying about him . . .
#
“Astronomers worldwide have sighted the massive rocks, known as KBOs - or Kuiper Belt Objects – headed our way,” said Rick Steele, main anchor for the GBS Evening News. “Experts say the source of these objects is still under investigation, but the trajectory has sparked a renewed interest in Pluto, formerly known as the ninth planet in the solar system. The mysterious triple eclipse of its moons has only served to raise more questions. A government spokesperson speaking on condition of anonymity has confirmed that the dwarf planet may be playing a part in the sudden release of KBOs. Meanwhile, the White House has denied that there is any danger to Earth, saying all three rocks will miss us by tens of thousands of miles, providing nothing more than a spectacular light show in the August sky.”
#
Dwarf planet.
Dwarf planet!
So, they’re starting to pay attention, but they still insist on that belittling classification.
Well, we’ll see about that . . .
#
“Well, Uranus? Any luck with our wayward son?” asked Rhea, taking a seat on her plush crushed-velvet daybed.
“He is a foolish runt,” harrumphed Uranus. “He’s lucky to have even received stewardship of the Underworld. And if he’s not careful, he’s going to wipe out the humans with his silly temper. You’d think he was sixteen thousand, not sixteen million – the way he acts. I give up.”
“We can’t give up,” thundered Kronos, sitting up abruptly and sloshing his chalice. He adjusted his crown of olive leaves. “For one, he is my son. And for two, we can’t let him destroy the humans in a fit of egocentric passion. He may be a god, but he’s still young, and needs to learn self-control. If there’s any human-killing to be done, leave that to the grown ups.”
“I’ve been thinking,” said Rhea, sitting down next to Kronos. “There is one thing we could try. An intervention.”
“Intervention?” asked Kronos.
“Yes, I read about it in Better Homes and Goddesses. You get together a bunch of friends and family members, and you confront the troubled individual.”
“A war?” cried Kronos, his eyes wide.
“No, no. Not a war. It’s confrontational, but it’s done in a delicate way, in a safe environment. It’s done with love.”
“Sounds like a bunch of feel-good nonsense to me,” said Uranus.
“It’s not nonsense,” said Rhea. “It really works.”
“I suppose it can’t hurt to try,” said Kronos. “Summon Hermes. We’ll send out a message.”
#
Jim and Janet Barnes were the first to notice it.
The correlation between the strange event in the heavens and the pending planetary alignment.
They’d been aware of the alignment for several months, anticipating a wonderful chance for some astronomical photography.
But then there was the meteorite at the beach, and then the three KBOs came into view, and all other star gazing was put on the back burner.
They sat in their study, just a few feet away from the massive observatory wing of their country home. Janet ran her eyes along the wall that was lined with books, and over to the one plastered with incredible printed images – photos they’d taken through their telescope over the years. She then gazed out the floor-to-ceiling windows at the distant mountains - struggling to understand the significance of these astronomical phenomena.
“There is definitely a connection,” said Jim, putting down his calculator and removing his glasses. “I can’t explain it – the math works out except for one variable I can’t account for.”
“And according to my calculations, that variable is clearly associated with Pluto,” added Janet. “But it makes no sense for Pluto’s gravitational energy to be so far off from the norm.”
“Dark matter?” Jim conjectured.
“Could be.”
“Look, Janet,” said Jim, putting down his calculator. “I’ve – I’ve been thinking. With all the time and effort we’ve been spending on this, we’ve neglected to consider – to consider the possible impact on us. No pun intended.”
“Oh, I’ve considered it,” said Janet, smirking at Jim’s pun. “I’ve just chosen not to talk about it.”
“Well, I think we should. I mean, a week from now, we could be – dead.”
“My only regret is that we’ve been married twenty years and we never had any . . . any . . . pets,” said Janet, her voice starting to break as the emotions she’d been repressing finally came to the fore.
Jim put his arm around her. “I know, dear, I know. Of course, now we’d be having to watch those pets die.”
At that, Janet buried her head in her husband’s chest and sobbed quietly.
The emotional moment was disrupted by a rumbling that was violent enough to dislodge some books from a shelf and crack one of the panes in the picture window.
They broke off their embrace and, sharing a thought, moved in unison to the observatory room to make sure their precious telescope was undamaged, the way a pair of parents would
run to check on a child’s safety in such a circumstance.
“It’s intact,” said Jim, his voice echoing in the cool room as he checked the telescope and its mounts.
Janet breathed a sigh of relief, inhaling the comforting odor of diesel oil that permeated the chamber. “Good. She’s our best connection to what’s happening out there.”
“Speaking of,” said Jim, as he returned to the study and turned on a twenty-inch flat screen TV. “Let’s see what they’re saying about that shaker.”
The TV news had broken into normal programming with an urgent bulletin. The rumble had been the result of an eruption of Mount Hood. The volcano, which had laid dormant for more than two hundred years, had blown out its west face without warning.
“Wow,” said Janet. “Do you think it could be related?”
“Absolutely,” said Jim. “Those KBOs are getting closer, and we’ve already seen serious tidal implications. I think this eruption is just the beginning, Janet.” He stared out the window and noticed a cloud of volcanic ash from the east was starting to block out the sun. “We could be in for a wild ride.”
#
“Hades!” yelled Kronos.
Rhea leaned in and whispered to her husband. “Krony, dear, that’s not the best approach. That’s not how an intervention is supposed to work.”
Kronos grumbled. “I’m still Father of the Gods and I will still yell at anyone who deserves it!”
“Yes, Father?” said Hades, emerging from the shadows of the palace hall.
“Why don’t you tell us about what’s been going on with you lately?” he said, struggling to affect a gentle tone.
Hades looked at his feet and shrugged. “Nuthin’.”
“Does this sound like ‘nothing’ to you?” Kronos asked, his voice rising to a crescendo that shook the marble columns between which they stood.
The sound of a human newscaster permeated the area, and they listened intently.
“ . . . just one more of the cataclysmic events, such as tsunamis, earthquakes, and volcanoes, that have accompanied the passing of the first two KBOs in close proximity to the Earth. Officials say . . . ”