Crazy AS HELL
The crazy things women do and guys love
Copyright @ 2015, Emilio Boechat
3a edition - revised
Preface
Marilia Toledo
Cover
Leandro Machado
Translator
Aldo Camolez
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share it with other readers, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, please return to your favorite eBook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.
Special thanks to all the women in my life.
This book is inspired by and dedicated to them.
CONTENTS
Preface by Marilia Toledo
About Weight Scales
Workout Day
About Bad Women Drivers
At The Aesthetic Clinic
About Changing Clothes
A Child Actor's Mother
About Fear
Overprotective Mother
About the Job Market
Megalomaniac
About Not Being Fat, But Hot
Lilian and the Ayurvedic Medicine - or You Are What You Eat
About Odd Jobs
The Prisoners
About Lists
The Hippies
About Dogs
Return of the Prodigal Husband
Women as Sex Objects
Isaura The Slave Sado-Maso
About The Reign Of Anorexics
Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown
Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown II
About Diets & Mathematics
Agnes and Dominique Against the White Dragon Cult
About Sex
Thelma & Louise
About The Book
About The Author
PREFACE
Emilio Boechat is one of these authors that motivate innumerable responses in his readers. Laughter, no doubt, is the most immediate, although, not the most remarkable, in my personal opinion.
Celebrated by his comedy plays “Camila Baker”, “Eu Era Tudo pra Ela e Ela me Deixou”, “O Sol está Quente a Água está Ótima” to name a few, we always expect to find a corrosive kind of humor in his works. Nonetheless, the more familiarized I get with his writings, the more amazed I am by his many skills. His talent to create surprising endings, unpredictable twists, and characters both unusual and charismatic is rare.
As a playwright, I can shamelessly say I envy the impudence and courage of his ideas; and also, his expertise to come up with dialogues as absurd as Ionesco’s, such as the ones we can read in the sketches: “Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown I and II” and “Return of the Prodigal Husband”.
Another one of his distinctive features is his mastery in writing female plots and giving them a unique and crazy voice, as the title of this book implies. In the sketch “At The Aesthetic Clinic”, the intimacy he treats his leading characters and their predicaments are so truthful, that if I read it without knowing whom the author was, I would swear it was a woman.
I already confessed to Emilio that I would like to have written some of his plays and characters. If I could "assume" any of them depicted in "Crazy as Hell”, I would definitely be the Devil in "The Prisoners".
I hope this reading stirs colors and flavors in you, just as it did in me.
Marilia Toledo
Marialia Toledo is a screen and TV scriptwriter, playwright, theater producer, and director; awarded by Shell, A.P.C.A. (Associação Paulista dos Críticos de Arte), FEMSA, Qualidade Brasil and da Cooperativa Paulista de Teatro. At present, Marilia is Record Filmes director.
Back to Contents
ABOUT WEIGHT SCALES
I was bulimic when a teenager. Fortunately, I have overcome it and today I’m a perfectly ordinary woman. After each meal, I take a laxative.
As every other woman, I got a problem with weight scales. They, same as men, are: mean and blunt, never telling what you expect.
Currently, I’ve discovered an infallible method to lose weight: not eating anything after eight. I wake up, have breakfast, and starve untill bedtime.
Back to Contents
WORKOUT DAY
LUCREZIA wears a leotard and hops up and down while she prepares to leave home. It is quite early in the morning. Her HUSBAND enters the stage just when she is about to set off for the gym.
HUSBAND
(Yawning)
Lucrezia, what time is it?
LUCREZIA
(Excited)
It’s five in the morning, honey.
HUSBAND
(Sleepy)
What are you doing up this early?
LUCREZIA
(Jumping up and down)
Going to the gym! Nothing will stop me from starting my workout! I joined a class last Friday, paid six months in advance and today is my first day!
(Pointing finger at her husband)
I feel sorry for anyone who chooses to stand in my way!
HUSBAND
But why so early?
LUCREZIA
(Angry)
Why so early?
(Outraged)
Why so early? Because it’s impossible to do anything for my own sake after you and the children wake up.
HUSBAND
(Heavy-eyed)
You’re exaggerating!
LUCREZIA
Yes! Exaggerating at my candy, lunch, and dinner eating. The time to diet and work out has come! I refuse to become one of those obese housewives that won’t go to the beach because they are embarrassed to put on a bikini.
HUSBAND
(Sluggish)
You look great!
LUCREZIA
But for how long? This house is the sugar, chocolate, deep fried food paradise. I need to take care of myself. Bye!
HUSBAND
(Sleepy)
What about my breakfast?
LUCREZIA
It’s five o’ clock in the morning! Why on earth you want breakfast now?
HUSBAND
(Drowsy)
Huh, because I’m up.
LUCREZIA
(To the audience)
See! He wants breakfast! He wants to ruin my workout!
(To the HUSBAND)
Let me tell you, your breakfast is ready and set at the table! Nothing and no one will prevent me from going to the gym today.
HUSBAND
Who am I to say otherwise?
LUCREZIA
Anyhow, before you mutter anything else: your shirt is already ironed!
HUSBAND
(Sitting at the breakfast table)
Thanks!
LUCREZIA
See you!
(At this moment, the couple’s DAUGHTER shows up yawning and rubbing her eyes with the back of a hand.)
DAUGHTER
Mommy! Daddy! What’s going on? Are you having a fight?
LUCREZIA
Jesus Christ!
HUSBAND
(Sleepy)
No, sweetheart. It’s just your mother leaving for the gym.
LUCREZIA
So early?
LUCREZIA
It’s definitely early, dear! Too early for you to be out of bed, go back to sleep!
DAUGHTER
Tell me a bedtime story, then.
LUCREZIA
What?
(Leading her daughter off stage)
&nbs
p; No need for that! You’re not up yet. You’re still sleeping. This is all a dream.
DAUGHTER
I can’t sleep without you telling me a story!
LUCREZIA
Your dad will tell you one!
HUSBAND
But I’m having breakfast!
LUCREZIA
Why can’t anyone help me? You want a story; here it goes, once upon a time a mother who very much wanted to gym so she could be in shape.
(Changing her mood)
But her daughter wouldn’t let her! Then, the mother started getting fat, very fat, so fat and insatiable that one day she ate her daughter and husband for breakfast.
DAUGHTER
(Runs to her father in fear)
This story is scary.
LUCREZIA
What did you expect? It’s five in the morning and a very inappropriate time for children to be awake!
DAUGHTER
I think I can’t get back to sleep.
LUCREZIA
If you can’t sleep, no need for a story!
DAUGHTER
I’ll have breakfast with daddy.
LUCREZIA
Good. Enjoy your time together to catch up with the news.
DAUGHTER
I want eggnog.
LUCREZIA
(Surprised)
Eggnog?
DAUGHTER
Yeah.
LUCREZIA
Since when do you take eggnogs?
DAUGHTER
Louis told me his mother makes him eggnogs every morning!
LUCREZIA
That’s because she’s an ugly, fat, outdated woman who doesn’t exercise!
DAUGHTER
Louis told me it makes him strong!
LUCREZIA
You mean fat!
DAUGHTER
Louis is not fat!
LUCREZIA
But taking eggnogs every morning will certainly make him fat soon!
DAUGHTER
I want eggnog to be strong!
LUCREZIA
Eggnog...
(Thoughtful)
Listen, your dad makes wonderful eggnogs! Ask him kindly and he’ll fix you one!
Lucrezia leaves.
DAUGHTER
Dad, can you make my eggnog?
HUSBAND
(Who was reading the paper and did not pay any attention to their conversation)
What?
Lucrezia rushes back in.
LUCREZIA
(Distressed)
Don’t tell me today is Tuesday!
HUSBAND
It’s Tuesday.
LUCREZIA
I told you not to tell me!
(LUCREZIA sits down at the breakfast table and starts eating like crazy. The HUSBAND and the DAUGHTER puzzled look at each other.)
HUSBAND
Don’t get mad, but can I ask you something?
LUCREZIA
Maybe.
HUSBAND
Weren’t you going to the gym?
LUCREZIA
I was! But our street is jammed with street vendors and their stalls.
HUSBAND
It’s outdoor farmers’ market in our street today!
DAUGHTER
Hurray. Can I have