and raises her hands up in the air)
Pick a handsome man in here!
THELMA
(Looking around)
Handsome... Like that?
LOUISE
(With a discouraging look, stares at the audience)
More.
THELMA
(In disbelief)
More handsome?
LOUISE
(Staring at nothing, drinks a little more)
More!
(LOUISE raises her empty glass)
THELMA
(Shocked)
More caipirinha?!
(Dismayed)
You do drink, don’t you?
LOUISE
(Stands up but loses her balance)
I buy it.
THELMA
(Flabbergasted)
Drunk as you are, you won’t make it half way there!
(Sticking her hand into her purse, she pulls a miniature whiskey bottle from it)
I think you should stop drinking.
(LOUISE takes the miniature bottle from thelma’s hand.)
LOUISE
Your mine now!
(LOUISE drinks from it. It is too strong for her and she spits it out.)
LOUISE
This doesn’t taste like kiwi!
(THELMA grabs the bottle back)
THELMA
Don’t tell me!
(Taking a sip)
It’s Dullard’s whiskey.
LOUISE
Your husband’s!
(They laugh. LOUISE takes the bottle back and drinks.)
It’s bitter!
THELMA
(Thinking)
You get used to it!
(louise takes another sip)
Married for ten years to a dullard you must quickly get used to bitter.
(THELMA takes the bottle away from louise before she drinks it all.)
THELMA
Easy, dear!
(THELMA is about to take a sip but stops midway and asks.)
THELMA
So you have a gorgeous husband, don’t you?
LOUISE
I do! A real hottie!
THELMA
What a waste!
LOUISE
(to thelma)
Do you think so?
THELMA
Obviously! A handsome man like that and queer!
LOUISE
(Standing up)
My husband is very macho!
THELMA
But you said it yourself...
LOUISE
(Woozy and Angered)
He wants it every day and in different places!
THELMA
(Concordant)
Men are all equal! Dullard is the same. He’s forever wanting to get me from behind, but I never let him.
LOUISE
(Not paying attention to thelma)
One day he wants it in the kitchen, the next on the balcony, then at the office, at the library…
THELMA
(Understands her mistake)
Oh, I get it.
LOUISE
We’ve already had sex everywhere in that house! And it's a huge one, mind you!
THELMA
And why does that seem to bother you so much? You won the lottery, honey! If you’re not pleased with yours, you can take mine! You get ‘Dullard’ and I get ‘Big Racket Boy’
LOUISE
I love my husband!
THELMA
Me too!
LOUISE
Do you love Dullard?
THELMA
No, dear! I already love your husband!
LOUISE
(Blinded by rage she jumps at THELMA)
Do you know why I’m here?
THELMA
(Startled, She takes a step back)
I do! But I swear… I won’t tell anyone!
LOUISE
(Takes one more step towards thelma. Louder)
Do you honestly know why I’m here?
THELMA
(Takes one more step back)
For your friend’s bachelorette party?
LOUISE
My shrink.
THELMA
Is your friend one of these women who treat crazy people?
(THELMA covers her mouth with her hand)
LOUISE
(Outraged)
My shrink told me I should come to my friend’s bachelorette party! Here! At a Women’s Club!
(A new striptease show starts and music plays again, maybe “Great Balls Of Fire”. LOUISE as if in trance looks at the striper self-assured.)
LOUISE
I didn’t want to!
THELMA
I didn’t want to be married to Dullard either, but I’m a survivor…
LOUISE
My shrink thinks I have self-esteem issues, that I don’t like myself
THELMA
I really don’t... I definitely hate Dullard!
LOUISE
I don’t feel worthy of my husband.
(Elbowing thelma)
My shrink said I think he’s way out of my league!
THELMA
Dullard is way too much to bear, a fat-stinky-beer-reeking-burden.
LOUISE
He is honestly way out of my league! He could have any woman but why did he choose me? Why? Look at me! I definitely don’t understand!
THELMA
Me neither! I honestly don’t understand what I'm still doing with Dullard! My God!
LOUISE
My shrink thinks that here, at the Women’s Club, I could once and for all exercise my power over men!
THELMA
All I want is to exercise my sucker punch power on that blob of fat.
LOUISE
Do you know what I think of Women’s Club?
THELMA
Dullard is a creep!
LOUISE
Women's Club is an abyss full of damnation and lust.
THELMA
He thinks I don’t know he cheats on me! Any of those dildos he sells is better than him.
LOUISE
Women’s Club is...
(holding thelma)
Listen to me, Thelma! Women’s Club is the communist society symbol, one that uses sex as a commodity, exploiting men as a sexual object and making us women mere hysterical consumers in search of cheap and vulgar sex.
THELMA
(Excited)
Isn’t that great?!
LOUISE
(Excited)
It’s awesome!
(They both let a loud scream and burst out laughing.)
THELMA
Where could you scream like this?
(Shouts)
“Sit here on my lap you hottie!!”
(to louise)
C’mon, try it!
LOUISE
(Shouts)
Yeah, hunky!
THELMA
(Shouts)
Hottie!
LOUISE
(Gets more thrilled)
I’m gonna suck you dry!
THELMA
(Starts Shouting)
Strip! Strip! Strip!
(They scream in unison)
Strip! Strip!
LOUISE
(Freaking out)
On your fours, gorgeous!
THELMA
(Going crazy)
We rule!
LOUISE
(Shouts)
Show me that lumber!
THELMA
Men eat out of the palm of our hands. They treat us as princesses!
I can totally forget I will have to meet Dullard when I get back home.
LOUISE
(Shouting)
Gorgeous! Hottie! Gorgeous and Hottie!
THELMA
I can easily forget I’m a housewife!
LOUISE
Take that uniform off, yummy firefighter!
THEL
MA
(Starts getting sad)
That my husband is a drunk. That won’t let me have beautiful children! Two cute little kids.
LOUISE
(Going Insane)
Woohooo! That’s it, my fireman! Come here and put out my fire!
THELMA
(On the verge of crying)
If I had kids, I would at least have someone to keep me company.
(Sadder)
I wouldn’t be alone when he’s out cheating on me.
(Looking for comfort)
I can at least pretend that I’m happy here!
(Shouts)
Here, I’m the happiest woman ever!
LOUISE
(Jumping up and down)
C’mon! Show me the size of your fire extinguisher!
THELMA
(Yells)
I love Women’s Club!
(Crying)
I love Women’s Club!
LOUISE
(Wavering her arms up in the air)
Woohooo! Take it all off! Show me what you have hidden underneath that thing! Shake that ass for me!
(THELMA in tears and sobbing can hardly say anything. Stutters.)
THELMA
I love Women’s Club!
(The Music goes louder while louise gets more and more excited, and thelma cries even harder. Lights slowly fade).
(SCENE ENDS)
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CRAZY AS HELL is a collection of humorous written texts created between 1991 and 2015 by Emilio Boechat, a playwright and author of successful comedies such as: CAMILA BAKER, EU ERA TUDO PRA ELA & ELA ME DEIXOU, O SOL ESTÁ QUENTE & A ÁGUA ESTÁ ÓTIMA, TUDO DE MIM and LULUZINHAS among others; and TV Soaps such as OS MUTANTES, BELA A FEIA, REBELDES, PECADO MORTAL and OS DEZ MANDAMENTOS). All the texts written for this book depict women characters facing everyday situations, which can drive any of them crazy. With a dash of nonsense, exaggeration, and unexpected endings, typical female problems are approached in a unique, clever, refined, and entertaining way throughout the book. In it you will find different kinds of women: one who is constantly undergoing plastic surgeries; one who is always delaying to start working out; one who thinks her son is a TV star; one who dreams of taking her boss’ place; one who overstresses her daughter's protection; one who loves male strip clubs; one who claims being arrested for a crime she did not commit; and many more funny but not at all fragile characters.
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EMILIO BOECHAT is a best playwright nominee for Troféu Mambembe in 1999 with his play Eu Era Tudo Pra Ela & Ela Me Deixou from which originated the 1998’s Prêmio Multishow do Bom Humor character winner performed by the actor Marcelo Médici. He is the author of comedies as Camila Baker, Lives In Concert (a best play nominee for the awards APETESP and SHELL), Luluzinhas, and Tudo de Mim. Camila Baker was lengthily performed throughout Brazil and Portugal, in 2005, the play was back on stage starring well-known actors: Daniel Boaventura, Leonardo Brício, Marcos Mion, Otávio Muller, and Danton Mello. Eu Era Tudo Pra Ela & Ela Me Deixou got a new production in 2011 performed by Marcelo Médici. As a TV writer, Emilio has scripted for many TV Stations and Channels, including Rede Globo (Angel Mix and Zorra Total, 1999), Bandeirantes/ RGB (Floribella, 2005 and Floribella 2, 2006), GNT (Mulheres Possíveis 2007/ 2008/ 2009), Multishow (Na Fama Na Lama, 2011). For FremantleMedia created the docudrama Marcas Da Vida (2010/2011) aired by Rede Record (2011), where since 2006 has written and