has starch in it!
DEBORAH
Even yogurt!
LILIAN
And who told you that is yogurt? That’s pure cornstarch!
DEBORAH
It’s outrageous, isn’t it?
LILIAN
Do you like cooking?
DEBORAH
Well… Kinda!
LILIAN
I love it, more and more. I’ll tell you! I don’t dare eat out anymore. I cook absolutely everything that enters my body.
DEBORAH
And what a body, you have!
LILIAN
I only eat organic food, nothing industrialized, processed, no gluten, animal fat, trans, whatever. And I don’t miss any of it!
DEBORAH
Really?
(LILIAN proudly nods.)
LILIAN
We are what we eat!
DEBORAH
I do believe it!
LILIAN
I learned how to make a vegan burger that owes nothing to any lip-smacking Angus Beef.
DEBORAH
How awesome!
LILIAN
I’ve also discovered the pleasure of eating quinoa. Is there anything better that quinoa? Tell me!
DEBORAH
Quinoa is a delight!
LILIAN
Quinoa is the best! And so are tofu, brown rice, chia seeds, and linseed.
DEBORAH
Wow, I am already salivating!
LILIAN
I put linseed on top of almost everything. I absolutely love it.
DEBORAH
Let me take notes!
(DEBORAH gets her cell phone and starts typing.)
LILIAN
The sweet potato and tapioca were huge breakthroughs! You don’t have to eat white flour anymore!
DEBORAH
What a blessing!
LILIAN
Take this down too: Himalayan Salt, Milk Thistle Tea, and Bitterwood Tea– to burn belly fat – and celery seed. Oh, and no lactose, whatsoever!
DEBORAH
None?
LILIAN
You can replace it by rice milk or almond milk!!
(Peeved)
The hardest part is the bullying.
DEBORAH
Bullying?
LILIAN
Yeah! Can you believe it?
DEBORAH
Really?
LILIAN
You should see the face of my colleagues when I open my lunch bag at work.
DEBORAH
No way!
LILIAN
Yes, way! They look at me as if I were a pariah, a sicko! “Leave that alone and come to the restaurant with us!”
DEBORAH
And?
LILIAN
And I go!
DEBORAH
Where?
LILIAN
To the restaurant, where else? But I take my gorgeous Tommy Hilfiger lunch bag with me. Then I order a bottle of mineral water and open my lunch bag. You should see their horrified faces! How could I ever touch that mega oily, dripping fat, prepared only God-knows-how food?
DEBORAH
Yes, you mustn’t.
LILIAN
I can’t even trust vegetarian restaurants anymore, vegetarian my eye!
DEBORAH
It’s so sad, isn’t it?
LILIAN
Very.
DEBORAH
The good thing is that you look healthier, younger in, say, many years, and carrying an awesome body! Do you also wake up early?
LILIAN
No pushing, Deborah! Waking up before the sun rises is too much for me. I'm an actress. I go to bed late. I have my limits.
DEBORAH
Sure!
(SOUND: we hear a group of people starting to sing Happy Birthday. Lights fade out.)
LILIAN
Singing time!
(DEBORAH and LILIAN clap while singing. The singing interposes their conversation.)
LILIAN
(Astonished)
My God, look at that!
DEBORAH
What? Oh, I see! I guess you don’t eat things like that anymore.
(A cake we don’t see annoys LILIAN. They finish singing Happy Birthday. They clap effusively.)
LILIAN
Is that a marshmallow frosting?
DEBORAH
I think so. Poisonous, isn’t it?
LILIAN
Is that custard cream filling?
DEBORAH
I guess! Pure lactose, isn’t it? The sheer thought of putting that thing into my system already gives me the chills.
LILIAN
I got them too, look at me!
DEBORAH
And there’s still peanut butter in it. Just a piece of that cake will have me working out a whole week. Let’s go outside so we can get it out of our sight.
(DEBORAH takes LILIAN by her hand, and she pushes her hand away violently.)
LILIAN
Let go!
DEBORAH
What’s the matter, Lilian! What happened? Why the anger all of a sudden?
LILIAN
What did you expect when I have an annoying woman on my side badmouthing that wonderful cake? That’s so impolite of you. You don’t wanna eat it, then don’t! But stop harassing me. Watch out, Deborah! You'll end up just like one of those nagging boring extremists that don’t eat anything!
DEBORAH
But... What about the Ayurvedic medicine?
LILIAN
Shove it up your ass!
(DEBORAH is so frightened that becomes speechless)
LILIAN
What do you know about Ayurvedic medicine? You smoke like a chimney, bear a Homer Simpson potbelly, your teeth are one big yellowish stain, and all that without mention your tongue!
(DEBORAH sticks her tongue out and tries to speak at the same time.)
DEBORAH
What’s wrong with my tongue?
LILIAN
Take a good look at it in the mirror! One doesn’t even have to an Ayurvedic medicine expert to know that something is quite wrong with it.
DEBORAH
(Shocked)
Lilian! I feel extremely offended.
LILIAN
I’m only opening your eyes! Enough is enough!
(LILIAN walks away from a desperate DEBORAH.)
LILIAN
The next piece of cake is mine! And don’t skimp on the marshmallow, please.
(DEBORAH still shocked with her friend; nervously lights up a cigarette and starts smoking compulsively.)
DEBORAH
(Shouts upset)
Damn It! Isn’t there any beer at this party?
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
ABOUT ODD JOBS
It’s amazing what we are offered while waiting at traffic lights. I get very intrigued especially by those leaflets that say: “Make tree hundred to three thousand dollars without leaving your home.” It makes me wonder why people still jam themselves in crowded buses to go to work. They certainly don’t hand these leaflets out to bus commuters. Also, have you ever seen any of those "your love back in 24 hours" posters? If I take my car to the dealer for maintenance, and they promise it back in 72 hours with a discount, would I also get a rebate if I told the psychic to return the love of my life in a week?
Back to Contents
THE PRISIONERS
Inside her cell on the stage is DEVIL, a female convict. She lifts weights while Robert de Niro’s theme in ‘Cape Fear’ plays. After a short time, the WARDEN brings a new female prisoner, FLOWER, to the same cell. She is visibly frightened with the whole situation.
WARDEN
Here we are, little Flower! Let me introduce you to your new home for the next thirty years.
(FLOWER is pushed inside the cell.)
WARDEN
Please, don’t be afraid of ‘Devil’. She looks angry, but deep inside; she’s a nice person! And you'll have p
lenty of time to get to know each other better, right?
(The WARDEN lets out a disgusting laugh and leaves. An awkward silence emerges.)
DEVIL
You’re gonna serve thirty?
FLOWER
Yes.
DEVIL
What for?
FLOWER
I was accused of killing my husband!
DEVIL
I’m sure he got what he deserved.
FLOWER
I’m innocent!
DEVIL
Nobody in here is innocent.
(Pause)
Just me!
(DEVIL runs to the proscenium and acts as if she clattered a mug on her cell bars while shouting.)
DEVIL
I’m innocent! I’m innocent! Damn it!
(DEVIL stops and suddenly pulls herself together.)
FLOWER
What were you convicted of?
DEVIL
Same as you.
FLOWER
Did you also kill your husband?
DEVIL
I haven’t got a husband... No man lays his hands ‘in’ me.
FLOWER
Then who? Who… did you kill?
DEVIL
Every man that tried to feel me.
(Silence)
All fifteen of them.
FLOWER
My God!
DEVIL
Maybe more. I’m not good at math. I dropped out of elementary school. I was forced to, after killing the principle. What about you?
FLOWER
I’m innocent!
DEVIL
You look educated to me.
FLOWER
I have a PhD in Physics.
DEVIL
It did you no good studying that much, did it? Look where you are now, here, in the same pen with me. Deep down you are just like ‘me’! What’s your name?
FLOWER
Flower!
DEVIL
I’m not found of Flower, neither dolls, none of this sissy stuff.
FLOWER
My name is: Flower.
DEVIL
(Extending her hand)
Pleasure! Devil!
FLOWER
(Scared)
Is your name Devil?
DEVIL
Nickname! Do you really think my parents would name me that?
FLOWER
No, of course not.
DEVIL
My name is Satan’s Fifth Hell Daughter Smith.
FLOWER
(Scared)
Holy Mary!
DEVIL
My sister! How did you know?
FLOWER
(Frightened)
Sheer luck, I guess.
DEVIL
My dad’s thing! The old man was religious to the bone.
FLOWER
And what happened to him?
DEVIL
He’s somewhere with Jesus Christ.
FLOWER
Is he dead?
DEVIL
Nope. Jesus Christ is my Uncle. And Good Grief is my dad.
FLOWER
Interesting...
DEVIL
Has your dad ever shown you his dick?
FLOWER
(Scared)
What?
DEVIL
Don’t worry! I think it’s disgusting, too! Quite repulsive! That’s why I rip it off of every man who rubs it against me.
(Silence. Flower rubs her hands against one another.)
FLOWER
It’s cold in here.
DEVIL
I can warm you up.
FLOWER
(Frightened)
No need...
DEVIL
Come on! No biggie!
(DEVIL