LETTER XLIX
MISS HOWE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.MONDAY, OCT. 2.
When you question me, Sir, as you do, and on a subject so affecting tome, in the character of the representative of my best beloved friend,and have in every particular hitherto acted up to that character, you areentitled to my regard: especially as you are joined in your questioningof me by a gentleman whom I look upon as the dearest and nearest (becauseworthiest) relation of my dear friend: and who, it seems, has been sosevere a censurer of my conduct, that your politeness will not permit youto send me his letter, with others of his; but a copy only, in which thepassages reflecting upon me are omitted.
I presume, however, that what is meant by this alarming freedom of theColonel is no more than what you both have already hinted to me. As ifyou thought I were not inclined to pay so much regard to my belovedcreature's last will, in my own case, as I would have others pay to it.A charge that I ought not to be quite silent under.
You have observed, no doubt, that I have seemed to value myself upon thefreedom I take in declaring my sentiments without reserve upon everysubject that I pretend to touch upon: and I can hardly question that Ihave, or shall, in your opinion, by my unceremonious treatment of youupon so short an acquaintance, run into the error of those, who, wantingto be thought above hypocrisy and flattery, fall into rusticity, if notill-manners; a common fault with such, who, not caring to correctconstitutional failings, seek to gloss them over by some nominal virtue;when all the time, perhaps, these failings are entirely owing to nativearrogance; or, at least, to a contracted rust, that they will not,because it would give them pain, submit to have filed off.
You see, Sir, that I can, however, be as free with myself as with you:and by what I am going to write, you will find me still more free; andyet I am aware that such of my sex as will not assume some littledignity, and exact respect from your's, will render themselves cheap;and, perhaps, for their modesty and diffidence, be repaid with scorn andinsult.
But the scorn I will endeavour not to deserve; and the insult I will notbear.
In some of the dear creature's papers which you have had in yourpossession, and must again have, in order to get transcribed, you willfind several friendly, but severe reprehensions of me, on account of anatural, or, at least, an habitual, warmth of temper, which she waspleased to impute to me.
I was thinking to give you her charge against me in her own words, fromone of her letters delivered to me with her own hands, on taking leaveof me on the last visit she honoured me with. But I will supply thatcharge by confession of more than it imports; to wit, 'That I am haughty,uncontroulable, and violent in my temper;' this, I say; 'Impatient ofcontradiction,' was my beloved's charge; [from any body but her dearself, she should have said;] 'and aim not at that affability, thatgentleness, next to meekness, which, in the letter I was going tocommunicate, she tells me are the peculiar and indispensablecharacteristics of a real fine lady; who, she is pleased to say, shouldappear to be gall-less as a dove; and never should know what warmth orhigh spirit is, but in the cause of religion or virtue; or in cases whereher own honour, the honour of a friend, or that of an innocent person, isconcerned.'
Now, Sir, as I needs must plead guilty to this indictment, do you think Iought not to resolve upon a single life?--I, who have such an opinion ofyour sex, that I think there is not one man in an hundred whom a woman ofsense and spirit can either honour or obey, though you make us promiseboth, in that solemn form of words which unites or rather binds us to youin marriage?
When I look round upon all the married people of my acquaintance, and seehow they live, and what they bear who live best, I am confirmed in mydislike to the state.
Well do your sex contrive to bring us up fools and idiots, in order tomake us bear the yoke you lay upon our shoulders; and that we may notdespise you from our hearts, (as we certainly should, if we were broughtup as you are,) for your ignorance, as much as you often make us do (asit is) for your insolence.
These, Sir, are some of my notions. And, with these notions, let merepeat my question, Do you think I ought to marry at all?
If I marry either a sordid or an imperious wretch, can I, do you think,live with him? And ought a man of a contrary character, for the sake ofeither of our reputations, to be plagued with me?
Long did I stand out against all the offers made me, and against all thepersuasions of my mother; and, to tell you the truth, the longer, andwith the more obstinacy, as the person my choice would have first fallenupon was neither approved by my mother, nor by my dear friend. Thisriveted me to my pride, and to my opposition; for although I wasconvinced, after a while, that my choice would neither have been prudentnor happy; and that the specious wretch was not what he had made mebelieve he was; yet could I not easily think of any other man; andindeed, from the detection of him, took a settled aversion to the wholesex.
At last Mr. Hickman offered himself; a man worthy of a better choice. Hehad the good fortune [he thinks it so] to be agreeable (and to make hisproposals agreeable) to my mother.
As to myself; I own, that were I to have chosen a brother, Mr. Hickmanshould have been the man; virtuous, sober, sincere, friendly, as he is.But I wish not to marry; nor knew I the man in the world whom I couldthink deserving of my beloved friend. But neither of our parents wouldlet us live single.
The accursed Lovelace was proposed warmly to her at one time; and, whileshe was yet but indifferent to him, they, by ungenerous usage of him,(for then, Sir, he was not known to be Beelzebub himself,) and byendeavouring to force her inclinations in favour first of one worthlessman, then of another, in antipathy to him, through her foolish brother'scaprice, turned that indifference (from the natural generosity of hersoul) into a regard which she never otherwise would have had for a man ofhis character.
Mr. Hickman was proposed to me. I refused him again and again. Hepersisted; my mother his advocate. I told him my dislike of all men--ofhim--of matrimony--still he persisted. I used him with tyranny--led,indeed, partly by my temper, partly by design; hoping thereby to get ridof him; till the poor man (his character unexceptionably uniform) stillpersisting, made himself a merit with me by his patience. This broughtdown my pride, [I never, Sir, was accounted very ungenerous, nor quiteungrateful,] and gave me, at one time, an inferiority in my own opinionto him; which lasted just long enough for my friends to prevail upon meto promise him encouragement, and to receive his addresses.
Having done so, when the weather-glass of my pride got up again, I foundI had gone too far to recede. My mother and my friends both held me toit. Yet I tried him, I vexed him, an hundred ways; and not so muchneither with design to vex him, as to make him hate me, and decline hissuit.
He bore this, however; and got nothing but my pity; yet still my mother,and my friend, having obtained my promise, [made, however, not to him,but to them,] and being well assured that I valued no man more than Mr.Hickman, (who never once disobliged me in word, or deed, or look, exceptby his foolish perseverance,) insisted upon the performance.
While my dear friend was in her unhappy uncertainty, I could not think ofmarriage; and now, what encouragement have I?--She, my monitress, myguide, my counsel, gone, for ever gone! by whose advice and instructionsI hoped to acquit myself tolerably in the state to which I could notavoid entering. For, Sir, my mother is so partially Mr. Hickman'sfriend, that I am sure, should any difference arise, she would alwayscensure me, and acquit him; even were he ungenerous enough to remember mein his day.
This, Sir, being my situation, consider how difficult it is for me tothink of marriage. Whenever we approve, we can find an hundred goodreasons to justify our approbation. Whenever we dislike, we can find athousand to justify our dislike. Every thing in the latter case is animpediment; every shadow a bugbear.--Thus can I enumerate and swell,perhaps, only imaginary grievances; 'I must go whither he would have meto go; visit whom he would have me to visit: well as I love to write,(though now, alas! my grand inducement to write is over!) it must be towhom
he pleases:' and Mrs. Hickman (who, as Miss Howe, cannot do wrong)would hardly ever be able to do right. Thus, the tables turned upon me,I am reminded of my vowed obedience; Madam'd up perhaps to matrimonialperfection, and all the wedded warfare practised comfortably over betweenus, (for I shall not be passive under insolent treatment,) till we becomecurses to each other, a bye-word to our neighbours, and the jest of ourown servants.
But there must be bear and forbear, methinks some wise body will tell me:But why must I be teased into a state where that must be necessarily thecase; when now I can do as I please, and wish only to be let alone to doas best pleases me? And what, in effect, does my mother say? 'AnnaHowe, you now do every thing that pleases you; you now have nobody tocontroul you; you go and you come; you dress and you undress; you riseand you go to rest, just as you think best; but you must be happierstill, child!'--
As how, Madam?
'Why, you must marry, my dear, and have none of these options; but, inevery thing, do as your husband commands you.'
This is very hard, you will own, Sir, for such a one as me to think of.And yet, engaged to enter into that state, as I am, how can I helpmyself? My mother presses me; my friend, my beloved friend, writing asfrom the dead, presses me; and you and Mr. Morden, as executors of herwill, remind me; the man is not afraid of me, [I am sure, were I the man,I should not have half his courage;] and I think I ought to conclude topunish him (the only effectual way I have to do it) for his perverseadherence and persecution, with the grant of his own wishes; a punishmentwhich many others who enjoy their's very commonly experience.
Let me then assure you, Sir, that when I can find, in the words of mycharming friend in her will, writing of her cousin Hervey, that my grieffor her is mellowed by time into a remembrance more sweet than painful,that I may not be utterly unworthy of the passion a man of some merit hasfor me, I will answer the request of my dear friend, so often repeated,and so earnestly pressed; and Mr. Hickman shall find, if he continue todeserve my gratitude, that my endeavours shall not be wanting to make himamends for the patience he has had, and must still a little while longerhave with me: and then will it be his own fault (I hope not mine) if ourmarriage answer not those happy prognostics, which filled her generouspresaging mind, upon this view, as she once, for my encouragement, and toinduce me to encourage him, told me.
Thus, Sir, have I, in a very free manner, accounted to you, as to theexecutor of my beloved friend, for all that relates to you, as such, toknow; and even for more than I needed to do, against myself; only thatyou will find as much against me in some of her letters; and so, losingnothing, I gain the character of ingenuousness with you.
And thus much for the double reprimand, on my delaying my part of theperformance of my dear friend's will.
And now, while you are admonishing me on this subject, let me remind youof one great article relating to yourself: it is furnished me by my dearcreature's posthumous letter to you--I hope you will not forget, that themost benevolent of her sex expresses herself as earnestly concerned foryour thorough reformation, as she does for my marrying. You'll see toit, then, that her wishes are as completely answered in that particular,as you are desirous they should be in all others.
I have, I own, disobeyed her in one article; and that is, where shedesires I would not put myself into mourning. I could not help it.
I send this and mine of Saturday last together; and will not add anotherword, after I have told you that I think myself
Your obliged servant,A. HOWE.