I can't stay away from you. A wave of electric current flows through my body and I know that he can feel it too.
‘You can't stay away from me?’ I ask, inhaling air deeply into my lungs.
My heart hammers in my chest and I can no longer lie to myself. I’ve fallen for this creature. He steps towards me, hesitating, and his eyes widen slightly.
‘I felt that I had to be around you. The connection that we have is powerful,’ he speaks, moving even closer.
His eyes are still. He is damn sure of himself. My mind is hollow and I feel the blood drain from my face. I can't bear to be so close to him. The air around us thickens and we can both feel the stimulating connection that draws us in to each other. I gasp for air while my muscles clench inside me. He brings his hand to my lips and my body betrays me. I can feel that my cheeks are burning. Time stops when he leans down and kisses me. His lips are wet and warm, and before I can even react, his hips push me forward until we reach the wall, and I allow him to guide me. His lips press mine urgently, they feel for my tongue and I let him explore me further. His hands hold my head while my mind is spinning and I begin to feel bracing heat, which spreads inside my stomach. Then my subconscious begins asking me what the hell am I doing. Alarmed, I push him away.
‘Stop!’ I shout, remembering to breathe again and I slap his cheek, losing control.
We are both standing a step apart from each other, disoriented. I drop my eyes with embarrassment, flushing. When I finally look at him again, his eyes are darker and his mouth is slightly open. It is the second time that I’ve slapped a man within the space of a few weeks.
‘I lost control,’ he whispers. ‘I’m sorry I reacted that way, but I sensed that you were enjoying my touch.’
‘Okay,’ I say, blushing again, not knowing how to respond.
I blow the air out of my chest and I purse my lips. He is still playing this supercilious game with me, so my regret for slapping him slowly fades away. I struggle to control myself, but I am no longer willing to show how deeply attracted to him I really am. His feelings for his fiancée aren't real, otherwise he wouldn't kiss me this way. ‘We should talk.’
‘No, we cannot talk. We have to restrain ourselves. I am putting you in a grave danger if I continue to visit you,’ he continues, looking confused.
‘Why not? You can't just come here, try to seduce me and then leave without any explanation. That's not acceptable even if you’re not a human!’ I shout, but I cover my mouth with my hands, wondering if anyone in the house heard me. I can hear noise from downstairs. I hope that it’s the TV. I look at him again with hesitation. His eyes are still and full of uncertainty.
‘I am sorry, Ania, I have to go,’ he says, giving me an apologetic look and vanishing.
I exhale sharply. I hate him for being so perfect and I hate myself for not being able to control myself when he is around me. After a few minutes of recovering myself I look out the window, foolishly believing that he will be there, but he isn't. I cover my head in my hands, wondering how long this will go on. Looking outside again, I notice someone standing farther down the street. The figure is staring directly at my window and I realise that I know her. My room is brightly lit and I freeze. It is the woman that I saw in London when I was out late with Gosia. I draw the curtains and slide back into bed, wondering what the hell she is doing in Swansea, staring at my window in the middle of the night. I switch off the lights and wait a few minutes. However, when I look outside again, the street is empty once more. The mysterious woman has vanished, leaving me confused.
I begin to wonder why Gabriel has a habit of vanishing in the middle of a conversation. He can't stay away from me and I can't stay away from him. This night I don’t sleep well and the next day I try to get back to normality.
I spend all day in university and then later on I try to relax in front of the TV, until I hear Amy in the hallway.
‘Come in, I want to introduce you,’ says Amy, walking into the living room.
I am trying to concentrate on some kind of thriller, but I stopped following the storyline in the first twenty minutes of the film. Amy is holding the hand of a man who doesn't look like a student. She has changed her appearance, going for a more natural look. Her blond hair is completely straight and shiny. My housemate looks radiant and happy. I stare at the man who is standing next to her. He is almost six feet tall with chocolate brown hair and a petite nose. He looks much older and too serious to be in Amy's age bracket. I guess that he is in his late twenties.
‘Ania, this is Richard,’ says Amy.
‘Hi, great to meet you,’ I say. He looks very confident in his cowboy shirt and jeans.
‘I have heard a lot about you,’ he speaks in a deep, low voice.
I wonder how long Amy has been dating him. I am sure that they have been going out. She is staring at him with amazement in her eyes.
‘So Richard, where are you from?’ I ask.
‘South London, Kingsway,’ he answers.
‘Great, I’m also from Kingsway,’ I continue, pleasantly surprised. Amy walks to the kitchen, offering to make tea for all of us, leaving me with Richard who is looking around the living room.
‘Amy tells me that you are from Russia?’ he adds, directing his dark eyes at mine.
‘Yes, I moved here five years ago. So what brought you to Swansea?’
‘I decided to come back and do my Master's here this year. I am studying Psychology and I was lucky enough to meet Amy in the library. And here I am,’ he explains, while Amy hands me tea in my favourite cup. I study her for a while, wondering why she fell for Richard, who is older and so different from her.
‘Have you done the essay for war studies yet?’ asks Amy, breaking the silence.
‘Yes, almost.’
‘Richard helped me with mine,’ she adds proudly. Richard nods with approval.
‘That's fantastic,’ I say.
‘Ania, are your parents still back in Russia?’ asks Richard and I am stunned that he is so direct.
‘Ritchie, I told you already that Ania is here with her mum,’ interrupts Amy, but Richard doesn't look discomfited. He gives her a warm look and continues.
‘What about your dad? Is he also in Russia?’
I purse my lips, contemplating how to begin talking about my Father, who I have never met and am not interested in finding out anything about. I am not sure why he is so interested in me while his girlfriend is sitting next to him. Amy doesn't look discouraged. She is fiddling with her nails, appearing uninterested in our conversation.
‘My Father left when I was young. I never met him,’ I answer.
‘I’m sorry about that,’ he adds, still staring at me. After a few seconds, he looks back at Amy.
‘Amy, thank you for tea, but I have to go back to my essay,’ I explain. ‘Nice to meet you Richard.’
‘You too, Ania.’
I leave them and walk back to my room with mixed feelings about Richard. He is handsome and intelligent, and Amy is a great girl, but I don't believe that this relationship will last. His questions were too direct and he hasn't met me beforehand. I think that I might be a bit paranoid, or maybe I am overly suspicious. Amy seems happy and she has not been out partying for a long while.
Next week it's the end of term and I will be back to London for about a month. I am trying to take my mind off Gabriel and focus on my reading assignment, but every time I stare at the clock my memory recaptures that magical touch. I press my lips together, forcing his eyes out of my mind. My feelings for him are unpredictable and uncontrollable. George calls again, leaving me a voicemail, but I don't call him back, feeling deflated.
I sleep throughout the night like a baby. Gabriel didn't appear in my bedroom again; maybe he changed his mind about seeing me after losing control and kissing me the day before. After a morning shower and breakfast, I ignore text messages from George and leave the house.
It is freezing cold outside and the weather report has f
orecasted snow in the early evening. Gabriel isn't anywhere around and I admit to my subconscious that I wish that he would be somewhere close to me. A few Sprites pass me on my way to university.
The morning is relatively quiet. A lot of students probably finished up the term earlier than they should. I believe that many stopped participating in the last week of lectures and favoured sleeping rather than attending classes. The low temperatures could be to blame as well. I almost run to get to the building, hoping to buy a cup of tea, but I stop instantly when I notice Gabriel standing further away. He isn't alone and he isn't looking at me. He is too preoccupied kissing his fiancée, Rose.
I don’t want to look at them, but I can't move. My body stops responding. I want to run away, but I am standing there staring at them, entirely powerless. Betrayed; that's how he makes me feel, kissing her fervently without hesitation. He kissed me a few days ago with the same passion in which he is touching her now. I don't want him to know that I am watching them, so I force myself to walk away. My limbs are heavy, while an unknown pain spreads inside my heart. This feeling is uncontrollable. I try to recall seeing George when I caught him with another woman, but I can't compare the emotions that flow through me at this moment.
The tears start to stream down my cheeks while other people are glancing at me, wondering if I am all right. I can't stand any more confused looks, so I rush home. I allow myself to cry hysterically when I close the door in my bedroom. I have been used by a non-existent creature that doesn't care about my feelings. I am a human and I might be weak, but I won’t allow anyone to treat me this way.
How could I be so stupid as to fall for him? I take my phone and stare at the screen for a few seconds, then I dial George's number. He doesn't pick up, so I leave him a voicemail. George would appear to be the only one who could make me forget about Gabriel. I stop crying and feel sorry for myself. Gabriel is forbidden to have any kind of contact with me, but what I saw today makes me angry.
What kind of game is he playing with me? The silence is almost screaming in my ears. I walk downstairs to make a cup of tea. My hands are still shaking when I put the kettle on to try to calm my heavy breathing. I am not able to analyse what I saw. Emptiness begins to creep over my body and I begin asking myself repeatedly why I let him do this to me. I let another man break my heart.
‘Ania,’ says the familiar voice.
I turn around to look at Gabriel, who is standing in my kitchen in daylight. I drop the cup; it breaks, making a lot of noise.
‘What the hell is wrong with you?!’ I shout, looking at him while my I feel a lurch in my stomach. I am furious that he is seeing me like this. My eyes are still red. He obviously knows that I saw him with Rose and he shows up here to humiliate me even more.
‘I am sorry that you had to see that,’ he says, stepping closer towards me, his expression softening with concern. His deep blue eyes are distressed and full of pity and I step back. I can't be so close to him.
I don’t want to see you. Get out of my house!’ I roar, shaking. I begin to pick the crushed pieces of the cup off the floor. How dare he show up in my kitchen as if he owns it? ‘You are a liar. I thought you couldn’t talk to me in the daylight?!’
‘You have to calm down. I can explain, but I only have a few minutes,’ he says, squatting closer to me while putting his hands on my arms. Suddenly, all my anger vanishes and I am looking directly into his eyes, feeling calm and restrained.
‘Get out,’ I whisper, forcing myself to say it. I know that he is using all his energy to calm me down.
‘Ania, let me explain,’ he says firmly. I feel as if I can't escape. His hands are firm and his skin is warm and soft. ‘I didn't expect you to see me. I don’t love her, but I have to be with her.’
After hearing what he says I can't hold my tears any longer. His body is so close to mine that I hold my breath.
‘I am sorry, Gabriel, I am not sure what you want from me. I don't expect anything from you.’
It is the truth; I am not sure why I am upset. He is engaged to someone else and we only shared a kiss. His eyes darken and I can’t stop looking at him. I let him see me like this, vulnerable, emotionally unready to let anyone into my heart.
‘Let me explain everything later on,’ he says, gazing at me with his deep blue eyes. I feel exhausted and not able to fight any longer. I take a deep breath.
‘Please go and don’t come to see me anymore. I cannot cope with this right now.’ I try to sound firm to make sure that he understands what I mean and will leave me alone.
‘Ania, who are you talking to?’ says Amy, entering the kitchen with Richard. Gabriel moves and vanishes, leaving me to deal with my housemate and her boyfriend. I can't hide the fact that I have been crying. They both are looking at me with concerned expressions, waiting for an answer. I bite my lip and quickly wipe my wet eyes.
‘Sorry, I was just talking to myself,’ I answer, and start to clean the mess on the floor and hide my red eyes.
‘Is everything okay?’ asks Richard, and starts helping me with the mess. I avoid looking at him.
‘Yes, I am fine. I just dropped it,’ I answer.
‘Ania, have you been crying?’ asks Amy, but I still avoid looking at her.
‘No, I have a cold. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom,’ I say, and step out of the kitchen, leaving them both without saying anything else.
In the toilet, I lock the door. Of course they noticed that I was crying, as the reflection in the mirror reveals swollen red eyes and a miserable face. I don't want to explain anything to Amy while Richard is there. I know that I will face more questions later on, but Amy will have to wait. I rinse my face with water and lock myself in my bedroom. Gabriel showed up so unexpectedly that I wasn't able to deal with my emotions. He admitted that he didn't love Rose. Why did he want me to know that? My phone rings. It’s George. I answer straight away.
‘Hi, George.’
‘Ania, darling, I can hear in your voice that something is wrong,’ he starts.
I bite my lip, wondering if what I am doing feels right; burying my emotions and using George to mask everything that I feel about Gabriel.
‘Can you come to see me tomorrow? I need to talk to you,’ I say, making sure that I emphasise the word 'tomorrow.' There is a moment of silence on the other side of the phone.
‘Well, it’s a bit short notice. Aren’t you going back to London next week?’
‘Yes, not sure yet what day.’
He is trying to make me feel bad for ignoring his phone calls.
‘Okay, I will come to see you tomorrow. I haven’t got any more lectures anyway,’ he replies, hanging up.
I smile and begin to wonder if this is exactly what I wanted. Gabriel risked seeing me in daylight; he came and explained that he had to be with Rose. I can't lie to myself; I can’t physically be with him and the only reasonable solution is to let him know that I am not interested. George seems to have changed. I can have a future with him. Gabriel is a different story. He is forbidden to even talk to me in the daylight and is engaged to another woman. It is clear that there is a strong, unexplained connection between us. These new emotions are slowly ripping my heart apart. I can’t think straight.
My subconscious is telling me that I have to wipe the memory of Gabriel out of my head. I am not sure how I am going to do that, but it is the plan. If he appears again in the night, I will tell him to leave me alone. I spend the rest of the day reading some kind of romance, hoping that I will resolve my dilemma soon. In the evening I go to bed early, hoping that I won’t have to see Gabriel anymore. Fortunately for me, he doesn't show up, but I feel betrayed even more, as it shows that he listened to me.
The next day I am expecting to see George and I spend the whole day mentally preparing for this evening. I avoid going outside the house today; I am not ready to see Gabriel as yet. I know he is there but I feel like a coward.
Mum calls to check on me and mentions Christmas
. She talks about the mysterious man who she is seeing and I’m glad that her life is more interesting since I’ve moved away. In the evening, I leave the house to pick up George from the bus station.
The weather is terrible and with the wind and rain hitting my face, I decide to run back to the house and grab my winter jacket. I try to make an effort for George, so I reapply makeup and style my hair. I have my best jeans on and my reflection in the mirror shows that I’m in a better mood today. I am dreading stepping outside again, but I can't hide in the house for the rest of my life. When I leave, Gabriel is outside the house. Even though it’s dark I can see him clearly on the street staring at me. I ignore him and decide to drive to the station instead of the original plan of walking. Looking at the mirror, I wonder if he will follow me and try to pretend that my heart won’t react if he does. I assume that Sprites are able to travel, but I don't know and I don't want to find out. The less I know the better I feel about the whole situation. When I pull out of the driveway onto my street, he is still there following me with his blue eyes. His expression is unreadable.
The bus station is busy and after struggling to find a parking space, I’m forced to leave the car on a nearby street and walk a few minutes to the station. When I finally get there, I have a few minutes before the bus arrives, so I go to the shop to get a drink while I’m waiting. I feel tension in my body as I walk. I notice Gabriel who is staring at me, looking irritated, but maybe this is just my imagination.
There are a few more Sprites around me and a few of them nod towards Gabriel. He is making me nervous and uncomfortable, but I can't let him see my apprehension. I focus on the fact that I’m here to see George and try and put it to the back of my mind that Gabriel is even present.
As the bus approaches, relief spreads over me; a few more minutes and I will be able to escape Gabriel's intimidating expression. A beautiful, blonde fairy woman is standing next to me. She’s almost the same height as me with porcelain skin. My body tenses but I try not to let her know that I can feel her next to me. As George leaves the bus, he looks around trying to find me and takes out his phone, presumably to check if I have contacted him. Disappointment spreads over his face after he sees that I have not attempted to ring or message him. I am just about to wave to him, but the beautiful fairy walks up to him, whispers something in his ear as if she’s reading my mind and then walks off, looking pleased with herself. He then notices me and smiles. I can’t help but think what she must have said to him.
‘Finally, you started to think straight,’ he says, unexpectedly kissing me long and passionately on the lips and I don’t hold back.
8