After this His Majesty had sent a cypher telegram to the Prime Minister. He told him he was at Fizzling Towers, and would be returning to the capital that night. Having done this, he called for the coach, and he and Quangle departed. Quangle left word that the guests were welcome to stay until they were rested and that they could have anything they wanted that the larder could provide.
**********
They reached the Palace at eleven o’clock that night, being forced to take a roundabout route to keep clear. of the Revolutionary Army. On their way over the hills which surround Flopford the could see their camp-fires burning in the valley below. However they did, as I have said, reach the capital safely, and of course all the Palace Guards knew the King‘s face. They found the city buzzing like a beehive that has been poked with a stick. Everywhere people were barricading their houses with sandbags, burying their valuables, and even at this late hour the shops were open, trying to get rid of their stock for cash. All food had been bought up and hoarded in a rush before the city might be besieged. There was little sign of order and Government control; the city was however, remarkably quiet. In spite of the Royal troops making fortifications and erecting roadblocks, there had been no clashes.
A few people who were known rebels had fled to the opposition side; others had been too slow. Most of the latter had. been put in jail. Some private people who had nothing else to do had challenged others to duels, or thrown them down wells. Figures of the Duke were burnt on bonfires. But as police and soldiers were everywhere no serious trouble occurred.
His Majesty and Quangle were nonetheless relieved when the coach drew up with a jerk in front of' the main door of the Palace. A. cordon of soldiers guarding the Palace from intruders saluted. The Queen, who had been warned by telephone from the gate lodge, came running out.
"Oh I am so glad to see you safe again!" she exclaimed. "All the tie you were stuck on that dreadful boat I was so worried. And when those horrid rebels got hold of poor little Richard I was terrified. I imagined all sorts of things. I didn't hear anything about you, and all sorts of shocking reports came in. Some said that you had been captured and some that you had been killed. And. the piles of documents I had to sign! It was too, too terrible for words. But the poor, dear Prime Minister was so good and helped me with them a lot. You must come in; you must be exhausted."
They went up the steps, and Quangle followed. The Prime Minister met him in the hall. "M'dear fellow, how are you?" he exclaimed. "I was so glad to get your message. Well, what do you think of this rebellion now?"
Quangle told him. He was brief and to the point, and also very rude. "Why haven't we attacked the rebel army before they got so strong?" he asked.
"I said the same thing to General Wurzle," replied the Prime Minister. "I didn't get a very satisfactory answer -- just a lot of stuff about needing more reinforcements. Between you and me, I think he may be thinking of changing sides."
**********
The next morning His Majesty had his breakfast in bed, and as it was a fine day and he was feeling glad to be back home, he slid down the banisters and got his foot caught in a pail of water a cleaner had left at the bottom of the stairs. He took it off with some difficulty, made a mental note that buckets of water make stairs much more complicated, and went into the Small Drawing Room. Perhaps fortunately there was no longer a trumpeter at the door. he was in the kitchens helping to boil Oil.
Quangle was already in the room. He was trying out the Revolutionary Song on the piano, which His Majesty considered a bad show.
"Quangle!" he exclaimed.
"Oh good morning, Your Majesty," said Quangle, rising and bowing. His look of blissful innocence was rather spoilt by his dropping the piano lid with a bang. "Well, Your Majesty, have you heard the latest news?"
His Majesty had not.
"Well," said Quangle, moving rapidly crabwise away from the piano. “the revolutionary forces have not yet struck camp this morning, and they seem to be staying put, at any rate for today. I think they are probably expecting to get more support. The Intelligence Department have sent in a report, in which they say that the Duke, although he would like to be King, doesn't want to attack his uncle, meaning you, Your Majesty. As the rebels have to do everything through him now, they will be held up until they can get an agreement, if they can find him."
"This would be the obvious moment toattack them, then. Meanwhile it would seem sensible to strengthen the defences of the city," said His Majesty. "Will we have enough time to do both?"
"The army militia are defending the Old Wall of the city, leaving the regulars free to attack," replied Quangle, sitting down in response to a sign from the King. "There is a report from the commander on your desk. There are only about a hundred people who live outside, and they have been put up in hotels and guest houses, if they wanted to stay. As we saw last night, roadblocks have been put up, also by the Kitchen Cavalry, and houses and public buildings barricaded. The trouble with Flopford is that it was never meant to be a capital. We can be bombarded from the high ground, and the Navy are no use as we are too far from the sea."
"Well, will we have time?"
"Oh yes," said Quangle. "The city is really very well defended. The Royal Gun Factory has produced all its old cannon from the Museum. There is one blessing, anyway, as far as we know the rebels have no big guns, and I do not think they would get any from Gugglia. Still, I should feel happier if I knew for certain.
"Will we get no help from the other big towns?"
"The other big towns have really no help to give. Olsty is flatly revolutionary, Bugford has been captured and so has Port Starboard. Doodledale is friendly, of course, but rather too far away, but Dundurgan might provide some help, although it is even further. There are a lot of small villages which are friendly, of course, but their help would be of little use. No, we'll just have to hold on. Your throne depends on it. The King is only King as long as he holds the Capital. That is our Flopdudlian law."
They went on talking for a long time. Then the Prime Minister came in accompanied by a footman carrying a tray with some morning coffee.
"I thought Your Majesty might like some", he said. All the staff are so busy melting lead and boiling oil that they have quite forgotten about food. The cleaners are making booby-traps and the kitchen maids are polishing the blunderbusses out of the armoury. However I persuaded the cook to give me a saucepan, a Primus stove, some bread and some eggs, so I think there will be some lunch."
"Well done!" said His Majesty. "And what is Her Majesty doing."
"Her Majesty, said the Prime Minister, sipping his coffee, "is inspecting the food stores and arranging for the cleaners to go home."
"I think I will go and look for her," said His Majesty.
"Well, be careful crossing the hall, Your Majesty." the Prime Minister warned. "If you tread on the third square from the left at this end you get a bucket of boiling oil over your head; on the fifth, sixth, or seventh at the far end you. are shot into the coal cellar; on the one in the middle the chandelier comes down on top of you, and on all ·of them, as far as I know, you are sprayed by at least three hoses and step into a bucket of water. I didn't try any more. When I left the kitchen they were planning to put down tar in the corridors to act as a sort of fly paper....."
His Majesty stood there, thinking. Then the door opened. and Her .Majesty came in. She was wearing a waterproof over her clothes.
"Well thank goodness for that!" she exclaimed, "Those cleaners!" She flung her coat over the back of a chair and sat down
"What's the matter?" they asked. "Have they gone/"
The Queen nodded.
"Well, how did you get them to go/"
"I didn't." she said. "The kitchen went on fire."
"Did you put it out?" asked Quangle.
Her Majesty nodded again.
"Oh, yes," she said. There were so many hoses and buckets and things that it wasn't hard. But the cleaners all just walked out and left
us. And the maids didn't want to ruin their shoes with the tar, so they offered to clean it, so I raised their pay by ten pence a week. The boiling oil should come in very handy."
"Are we having any lunch?" asked His Majesty.
"I don't think so," replied the Queen. "I think the saucepans are all full of lead."
"How lucky that I managed to rescue this one," said the Prime Minister, and he handed out boiled eggs.
**********
ln the afternoon His Majesty decided to inspect the defences of the city. To this end he rang up the Chief of the Royal Flopdudlian General Staff, and asked him to provide an armoured car. The adjutant was very businesslike and said. that the matter would be attended to immediately. His Majesty, reassured, put down the phone and went upstairs to put on his uniform. He was still doing this some twenty minutes later when. Quangle knocked on the door of his room and told him that his elephant was at the door, and could he (Quangle) go with him.
"My WHAT?" exclaimed His Majesty as he rushed out or his room and down the stairs three at a time. He rushed out on to the porch. It was true; there really was an elephant. It had a howdah on its back and was eating Her Majesty's favourite roses. The driver, a young recruit, was having difficulty parking it as it did not seem to have a reverse gear.
"L - l - look here," stuttered His Majesty, enraged. "I asked for an armoured CAR, not an armoured COW. There are things I do not expect, and I do NOT expect that the General Staff are the sort of dolts, nincompoops or imbeciles who send an elephant to eat my plants and mess up my drive.”
"I am sorry, Your Majesty," the soldier apologized. "All the armoured cars are out on reconnaissance, and we really only had this elephant. However, Your Majesty, she is quite manoeuvrable and the howdah is two inch steel -- and is fitted with radio."
His Majesty weighted these merits over in his mind, and at last he consented to go. The elephant knelt down, His Majesty and Quangle climbed in to the howdah, the elephant got up, the young soldierprodded he with the accelerator, and they moved off down the drive at two miles and hour. Theywent down the West Road and soon found themselves at the Doodledale Gate. After that they proceeded through the central district, past the Imperial Bank, and through to the East Gatem where they turned and came in again to the Palace Garden.
The streets were quiet, empty and deserted. Only bakeries, dairies, and butchers were still open; all other foods had been sold out. Even they would only remain open as long as their connections with the country remained unbroken. Water was being collected in every vessel possible, as, although a river flowed through the city, it would be as well not to rely on it. Cinemas were still open and were full up, as many people had nothing else to do. All private transport was at a standstill, as business had ceased, and few trams were running. The train service with the rest of the country had long since ceased, as the trains had been seized by the rebels.
The Government were seizing all foods, and a strict rationing system was being imposed. Meat was just going, and bread was to follow. Agents went from door to door, seeing that each household had enough food for several days. The sun came out, and the streets looked emptier than ever. Everyone was waiting to see what the rebels did next.
REVOLUTION IN FLOPDOODLE
Chapter Seven
"Ach!" exclaimed the Baron, filled with rage. "Give the boy a good beating and make him see sense. We cannot remain here any longer or we shall all be killed. Make him lead the Revolution to a successful conclusion!"
"No!" shouted the Duke of Delphinium. "I shall do what I like and a great fat Baron isn't going to stop me. I will not have my uncle killed. And I shall lead no revolution to please you and if there is any more nonsense I will have your head cut off!"
"But," pleaded the Earl of Argleham, "Please think, Your Majesty. What Baron Balderdash says if quite true. If we stay here your Uncle's troops will come out, and if there is any fighting you may be killed."
"What will you do if we get your brothers to lead our armies and get rid of you?" suggested the Grand Duchess of Upper Gargling, and she wagged her finger at him, the way she did.
The supposed King kicked the table-leg furiously.
"Huh. Fat chance," he said. "They never agree on anything."
"Well." grunted the Baron. "Are you going to do it?"
"No, no, NO!" shouted the King, losing his temper. "I won't do anything for you. And don't you try doing anything to me, for that matter, or the soldiers will execute you. The Army will stay here until to-morrow, and then I'll send out a herald to parley." He got down off his chair, and went to the door. "I hope everything goes wrong for you!" And he slammed the door behind him.
The four conspirators looked at each other. They definitely thought that little kings should be seen and not heard.
***********
His Majesty got up the next morning at half-past-seven, and went downstairs. He was wearing military uniform. The trumpeter was back at the dining room door, but fortunately someone had poured melted lead into his trumpet and stopped it up. Her Majesty and Quangle, also both in military uniform, was already there waiting for him. As it was Court Etiquette for this to be so, Quangle's alarm clock was electrically connected to the King's.
They sat down. A servant brought them their breakfast – half a boiled egg each. His Majesty looked at his but said nothing, and stretched out his hand for the toast rack. It was empty.
"Quangle?" said His Majesty suspiciously.
"No, not at all. It was empty when I came in."
His Majesty went to throw his egg at the butler. If he had done so he would have hit him. But Quangle had already intervened to remind him that they we preparing for a siege. And a few minutes later a toast rack did turn up with some toast in it. His Majesty did not admit he had been wrong, but he was himself again by the time they had finished breakfast, and had gone into the Small Drawing Room.
"Well, shall we hear the news?" suggested Quangle. "Let us hear what the rebels have to say for themselves."
He turned on the radiogram.
"POOpooPOOOoo...." it' said. "Here is 'the only true and correct news presented with every regard to accuracy, and not to be compared with the untrue and lying news as presented by the so-called Government of Flopdoodle as its propaganda, under the name of the Flopdudlian Broadcasting Corporation. And this is Ezra Mudd reading it." The radio gasped audibly for breath.
"Which one is this, Quangle, us or them? If it's them, there's no sense in listening to it," said His Majesty.
"Shhh!" said Quangle.
"..... Sometime last night," went on Ezra Mudd (for it was indeed he), "wicked and treacherous spies of the ignoble gang of bandits who have been ruling this country up to now, forced their way past the brave guards of the Revolution and kidnapped the Duke of Delphinium, soon to be crowned as our true King, Richard V. They stole a tank and managed to escape to the temporary shelter of the bandit gang in Flopford. But this will not last. Citizens, unite to drive forth these evil-doers! Free yourselves from the Tyrant's Yoke! ......"
Quangle turned it off. "Here's a to-do!" he said. "Have we kidnapped the Duke? If so, why weren't we asked beforehand? You weren't, were you?"
His Majesty shook his head. He went to the telephone while Quangle remained looking out of the window over the still City. It was very quiet, and windless. The sun beat down on the plants outside the window and several birds passed, some with twigs or grass for building their nests. Meanwhile he could hear His Majesty quack at the telephone in the hall. In a few moments the sound stopped and His Majesty came back in. Quangle turned round.
"Well?" he asked.
"The General says that no one has entered or left the city since 3 pm the day before yesterday," he said. "He thinks the rebels have hidden him for some reason or other."
"Very probably," said Quangle. "It might arouse people against us."
"And he wouldn't be a nuisance to them," His Majesty agreed. "If they challenge us to pro
duce him, we cannot, and if we challenge them, they won't, naturally. All very awkward. In the meantime I suppose his advisers will encourage their Army to advance on Flopford to get him back."
**********
His Majesty was not mistaken. This was precisely what they were doing. Baron Balderdash was feeling very please with himself, for it was he who had organised the 'kidnapping'; his men had 'stolen' the tank, and the Duke of Delphinium was at that very moment in the deepest dungeon of Castle Koffmikscher, which was the Baron's home. The other advisers, of course, did not know this. So they were genuinely alarmed. The insurgent army was ready to fight anything and anybody, and they had held a Council of War before telling them that it was time to advance.
The army were lined up waiting for them. At last, about 11 o'clock, the leaders came out of their tent and on to a wooden platform that had been hastily got up for the purpose. The Baron stepped forward first, and spoke:
"Soldiers, fellow-citizens and comrades-in-arms!" he said to loud cheers. "I – I mean the Treacherous Enemy – has kidnapped your King. He is now without a doubt languishing in some dismal dungeon, guarded by traitors and thieves. Shall we stand by and nod approvingly? [cries of "No"] A memory seemed to strike him, and he hurriedly continued. "No doubt he defended himself." He shuddered realistically. "But what could he do against two great brutes, armed with pistols, rifles, sub-machine guns and two hand grenades each. Chrrrm! Pardon me. This is your duty. You must capture that place – I will not soil my lips with its name – or starve the wretches in it until they surrender him. Attack, and win, and long live the glorious Revolution!"