"Seen my crown?"
"I'm afraid not, Highness. My eyesight isn't too good."
Mevrin sighed. Where could it be? The only place in the chamber he could think of was under the wardrobe. He kneeled on the floor and looked under it, and fair enough, there it was. In the corner, too far to grab it. Fortunately he had already mastered the basics of being the Emperor: delegate problematic tasks to other people.
"It's under the wardrobe. Get it out."
"Apologies, Highness, but my back isn't what it used to be..."
"Must you be so useless?! Call some servants!"
"They are dragging that... lady... to the dungeon, Highness."
"Those were guards!"
"They are on double duty since we don't have enough people."
Mevrin sighed, grabbed his Imperial Sceptre, kneeled again and started fishing for his crown. The Master of Ceremony sadly shook his head.
"And about those waxes, see to it, will you?" the Emperor asked from the floor.
"Five percent increase, Highness?"
The Emperor considered this. He had no idea how much was that. It was just a number, and he wasn't good at math. He knew that ten is more than five, and he didn't really know what goes after that... "Ten persons."
"Percent, Highness."
"Whatever."
***
General Roseduck led the army. Finally. It felt so natural for him. He studied and practised his entire life for this. Yet he couldn't help being nervous. It was going to be his first real battle. So far he had only faced some stray bands. This time he had an entire invasion on his hands.
His army consisted of many, many people who had a few things in common. They were male. They were brave. They were stupid. They were stupid in many ways and for many reasons. Stupid enough to think they could be Heroes. Stupid enough to believe they would return in glory. Stupid enough to believe that risking life for their country was their duty. Stupid enough to believe that death was something that happened to other people. Roseduck deeply appreciated stupid people. If not for them, he wouldn't have an army to command.
The General himself wasn't so delusional. He knew very well that merely by being in the vicinity of a battlefield he was endangering his further participation in this plane of existence. Of course, as the commander, he would be in much less danger than the rest of his troops, but in danger nonetheless. It didn't stop him. Going to battle against a great big horde of orcs was like a dream come true. Too bad it could go horribly, horribly wrong should the horde be just a little too big.
The lack of mages amongst his troops was worrisome. The General had tried to enlist some before marching out, but to no avail. Most of them locked themselves in their tower. He tried to ask the Archmage for help, but he wasn't even let inside the Tower of Mages. The mage at the gate was rather rude. He told the General that the Archmage had forbidden the mages to join the army. Fair enough, although rather puzzling.
Upon further inquiry, Roseduck was told to skunk off. He didn't appreciate it, not at all. Maybe he should have the insolent bastard killed when he returns. If he returns. In any case, with the Archmage being uncooperative, he was stuck with only one mage. The very same one who saved the day at the Battle of Some Bunch of Trees. Not the most powerful one as mages go. Still, better than none. He regretted sending Saalteinamariva to deal with that dark lord person. She'd love the smell of burning orcs in the morning. Or whenever.
The General didn't have mages, but instead he had some High Lords. He'd gladly trade them even for a few lowly conjurers, but there was no such option. Whether he liked it or not, Baron Oxrabbit and Marquis de Shaggysheep now were a part of his army. Roseduck always prided himself on predicting and taking into account whatever was possible to predict and therefore he wasn't that much surprised by Oxrabbit. The man wasn't too bright and had some Heroic inclinations. If he hadn't been born a lord, right now he'd probably be among the ranks as a common soldier. On the other hand, Shaggysheep was a total surprise. Roseduck didn't mind much, whatever his reasons were. The worst that could happen was the Marquis riding into the battle absentmindedly and dying horribly. The General wouldn't cry at night should that happen.
While the Marquis rode quietly and it was easy to forget he was even there, the Baron made sure nobody overlooked him. He rode up and down the column, shouting some nonsense that he most likely considered to be encouraging. To Roseduck's surprise it actually was. Oxrabbit was looking impressive and his words were just perfect to reach the hearts and minds of the soldiers. Probably because he was saying what he himself would like to hear. It was well suited for simple minds.
"Have no fear, valiant warriors! The orcs are nasty and ugly and, you know, like, smelly and stuff, but we shall prevail! Because we're brave and strong, and courageous and the like!"
"YEAH!"
"And we have sharp swords! And sharp spears! And... uhh... bows! That are, like, bowy and stuff!"
"YEAH!"
"Our horses are sharp too! And hoovy! And they bite! And do... naughty things!"
"YEAH!" The soldiers were cheering indiscriminately at whatever the Baron was saying. It made him say more silly things. It made the soldiers cheer even more. Neither party seemed to tire. Roseduck was feeling suicidal.
"When I was young, naughty things bit horses," the Marquis mumbled absentmindedly.
"How naughty were they?" the General asked.
The Marquis woke up and looked at him intently for a few seconds. "VERY naughty," he said, with emphasis on very, and dozed off again.
Unlike his predecessor, Roseduck was a strong believer in scouting. Scouts were regularly deployed in all reasonable directions and even a few unreasonable ones. He wanted to know about everything.
The reports said that orcs outnumbered the humans at least four to one. It didn't bode well. Also there were no natural defensive positions between them and the capital, like a big river for example. Roseduck would love to have a nice big river. Some forests and a few hills were all he had. Less than perfect for a battle against superior force. He pondered briefly about viability of hit and run strategy at this point. Other option was a great big battle, which was unadvisable, or retreating and defending a siege, which could doom everything apart from the Imperial Castle. But it was not time for a decision yet. Things were just about to get interesting.
"General! There is another army nearby!"
"What army?"
"I don't know! It consists of armed peasants and..."
"And what?"
"I don't know how to put it, my lord..."
"Why all you people have a problem with stating the obvious? Out with it!"
"Deer."
"WHAT?!"
"Deer. Like, woodland creatures. With antlers and everything."
"Ah. How many? Who is commanding?"
"About two thousand peasants and five hundred deer. Some sort of a knight seems to be in command."
"Describe him."
"Well, a knight. Big guy. Full armour. A fancy sword. A fancy shield too. Everything nice and shiny."
"That's... interesting. Where are they? Where are they going?"
"It seems they are moving towards the orcs. Will meet them about a day before us."
"Unholy carp! We need to make haste."
***
"It's a nice tower," Vannard said.
"Yes, it is. If by 'nice' you mean ridiculously tall and full of misogynistic morons wearing stupid dresses."
"More or less."
Vannard and Saalteinamariva were standing on the courtyard of the Imperial Castle and looking up on the Imperial Mage Tower. It was the tallest building on the castle grounds. It was also the tallest building in the Empire. Its height could be describes only by words like 'ludicrous' and 'insane', or phrases like 'carp that's tall!' and 'where did they get so much stone from?'.
"I never understood the wizards' need for such tall towers," the assassin said.
"How do I put it... You know about people with
small feet?"
"What about them?"
"They build tall towers."
"Ah."
They stood in silence for a moment.
"Ducky's away," the sorceress stated the obvious.
"I don't miss him."
"Neither do I. What I meant was that only the two of us know about the Archmage's plot."
"If Kidneyrock Fried Chicken back there didn't lie."
"I don't think he did."
"Still, do you care? Sally, Defender of Peasants?"
"Don't be a moron. I just need a reason to kill him."
"No you don't."
"Yes I do. As opposed to you, I kill for a reason."
"Silly Sally."
"Being called names is a reason."
"At least you aren't picky."
"Never said it has to be a good reason."
Some more silence.
"So, let's go kill him, shall we?"
"We? What's in it for you?"
"Killing, obviously. And he sounds like a challenge."
"You're no match for him."
"If I had a pig for each time this was said to me..."
"Then what?"
"Then I'd have the biggest pigsty in the world I suppose."
"What for?"
"For catapulting the pigs into people and or buildings, obviously."
"Obviously."
Even more awkward silence.
"So, where is he?"
"His quarters are at the very top."
"Now that is just stupid. Why doesn't that old turnip live someplace closer to the ground? Doesn't he get tired from all these stairs?"
"He's the Archmage, you fool! He probably levitates. Nobody really knows."
"Ah. We're going after a target of unknown capabilities. How unprofessional. I'd better take my antimagical sword."
The sorceress was shocked. "You have an antimagical sword?! Why didn't you take it when we went after that dark lord?!"
"I guessed it wouldn't be necessary to kill someone with such a stupid name. On the other hand, it might have been a good occasion to test it. I only have a word of someone I killed some time ago for its antimagicality."
"Your stupidity has reached new heights."
"It will go even higher as I climb up that tower."
"No doubt. Also, we should leave a message for Ducky. Any stupid idea how to do that?"
"Indeed, I have one. A homing pigeon."
"Brilliant. Too bad we don't have any."
"So let's find some."
***
Saalteinamariva didn't bother with subterfuge. She'd be recognised anyway. Vannard on the other hand pretended he was some sort of a mage by wearing a black robe. Because anyone in a robe is obviously a mage or a priest, and priests don't wear black. This particular robe used to belong to the late dark lord. The assassin didn't mind. He was a firm believer in taking useful things from people he killed. It's not like they needed it anymore. And it was a good robe. It even survived Sally's flames, unlike the wizard's face. Would have been a shame to let it go to waste. He cut off the fluorescent skulls, though. Not really his style.
The plan was simple. Go in, go up, kill the Archmage. Nobody would ever suspect that. It was simply inconceivable. Nobody tried to assassinate the Archmage. Ever. Nobody was that suicidal. A small army would be needed for that, or at least so it was assumed. It didn't worry them. Vannard assumed he was a small army. Saalteinamariva assumed she could burn down a small army. If it was kind enough to position itself in a nice, easily ignitable row, of course.
"State your business," the mage guarding the front door demanded.
"We have a meeting with the Archmage," Saalteinamariva replied calmly.
"And what would the Archmage want with the likes of you?" the mage sneered. Disdain for female practitioners of magic was common amongst the inhabitants of the Tower.
"None of your business. Let us in, or I'll turn you into a newt."
"And you won't get better," Vannard added with a smile.
The mage didn't seem to be concerned by the threats, but he let them in anyway.
"Follow me, abomination, and you, her servant," he said and led the way.
"Remind me to kill him on our way out," the sorceress whispered.
"Magewhore!" some mage shouted as they passed.
"And this one too."
"Why bother? Just kill them all," Vannard whispered back.
The corridor was a spiral going upwards from the front gate to the very top where the Archmage's private quarters were. There were chambers on both sides. The higher they were, the more important the chambers. They passed servants' quarters, classrooms, lower mages' quarters, laboratories... Everything was clean and gray. Their guide sometimes looked back discreetly, hoping to see them tire. No such luck. More than a flight of stairs was needed to tire the assassin. Sorceress wasn't that resilient, but rage kept her going. Insulting remarks, disapproving glances and even the sheer presence of male wizards only fuelled her rage. Vannard's presence didn't help either. She needed all her willpower to stop herself from burning her guide to ash and then continuing to put everyone and everything on fire.
It could be said that the climb took forever, but it would be incorrect. Still, it was quite a bit longer than most stair-climbs. After passing many uninteresting chambers and many uninteresting but hostile wizards they reached a metal door. A plump mage was guarding it. He seemed very bored. His job was to protect the top part of the tower, where the living quarters and laboratories of the most powerful mages were. It was very important that nobody unauthorized would enter. And nobody unauthorized ever tried, so whoever was on guarding duty felt like he was wasting his time instead of doing something useful. Like, for example, dabbling in things he didn't understand.
"What do you want?"
"They say they have a meeting with the Archmage," their guide said.
"I know nothing about that," the guard replied. "I'll go and ask."
"Hah, I knew it!" the mage sneered. "The Archmage wouldn't even speak with the likes of you. So why are you here? Wanted to see the Tower one more time? Yes, I know who you are, Saalteinamariva. Everyone knows. Everyone remembers what you did to poor Thimaneriamus. Yet another proof why women shouldn't be mages! Many healers spent many hours putting his face back together!"
The sorceress grinned widely. "Wasted effort. I met him again recently. He cannot be put together this time, I assure you."
"You think I'll believe you? He's far more powerful than you will ever be," the mage replied. "Don't look at me like that. You'd like to fry me, I'm sure. Don't even try. You are no match for my protective spells... ACK!"
"And you are no match for a knife," Vannard told the mage and removed a dagger from his back.
"Why are you educating corpses?" the sorceress asked.
"Everyone needs a hobby." He dropped his robe and unsheathed his sword. "That idiot didn't lock the door behind him. It's dead wizard time!"
The wizards didn't see it coming. Each one was very powerful in his own right. Only the strongest and wisest were inhabiting the top of the Tower. Every single one of them had spent countless years practicing magic and learning arcane secrets. Unfortunately for them, none of these secrets concerned handling a surprise attack by a sword-wielding madman inside their own tower.
Vannard ran. He didn't look back, he didn't look to the sides. He ran forward as fast as he could and cut down everyone in his way. These were no peasants, inept bandits, or even trained warriors. These all were highly skilled wizards, each one wielding enough power to turn the assassin into a speck of dust. If he gave them a chance. A small mistake on his part and it would be over. He rarely had that much fun.
The sorceress did her best to keep up with the assassin. While he removed anyone that would stand in their way, she made sure they wouldn't get followed. Her idea to accomplish that was to throw a ball of fire into every room she passed. Right through the open door, or right through the closed door. It didn
't matter whether some unfortunate wizard got hit or not. The rooms were full of flammable items. Magical books and scrolls burned, releasing unharnessed energies. Vials with mixtures shattered. Wands overheated and exploded, or just fired randomly all over the place.
She had no time to examine what damage or destruction she had happened to inflict, but what she saw and heard was enough to make her all warm and happy inside. Flames, explosions, screams, eerie voices from mysterious dimensions... A few tentacles burst out from one of the chambers and some surprisingly feminine screams were heard from the inside.
They reached the next door. This one was leading to the very top. To the Archmage's private chambers. The door was heavy steel, covered with runes, and most likely would be very difficult to get through. If the gatekeeper wizard hadn't left them open, that is. They got inside and closed the door behind them. There was a lock on the inside. Vannard made use of it. Nobody was following them yet, but they soon would. As soon as they stopped screaming, put out the fires and sent the eldritch creatures back to their respective dimensions.
"Stand back!" the sorceress shouted. "I'll fry them shut!"
Vannard knew better than to stand between her and something she wants to fry. The flames engulfed the door. Metal on the edges started to liquefy. "That will stop them!"
"It would, if you could freeze it back," Vannard pointed out.
"Shut up. At least the lock melted."
***
Whereas the rest of the Tower seemed rather ascetic, the Archmage's private chambers weren't. Everything was covered with carpets. Not just the floor, the walls and the ceiling too. Pink, fuzzy carpets. It was very disconcerting.
"Is he colour-blind?" Vannard asked.
"I don't know. Focus! We don't have much time! We need to find him!"
"Settle down, Sally. There's always time to appreciate interior design." And it was a thing to appreciate indeed. Apart from the colour pink, the Archmage apparently liked cute fuzzy toy animals. And rainbows. Saalteinamariva wasn't impressed.
"There's always time for you to be stupid I guess. Let's go."
They moved to the next chamber. There was no Archmage there, but they surprised some other mage. This one was tall and buff, unlike most mages.
"Who goes there?!" he asked. And instead of waiting for an answer, he lifted his hand and cast a magic missile. Vannard swatted it back with his sword. The mage fell dead with a nice hole through his chest.