Chapter 2
What Friends Are Really For
We had an emergency ladies night at LeAnnie’s house on Saturday night. It was arranged when she announced that she had “some news to share.” In our world “news to share” translates to a cry for martinis and comfort food, and she knew she could count on Kim, Joye, and I to come through for her.
“This is definitely a two-martini minimum piece of news,” LeAnnie said as she prepared the shaker with a round of apple martinis. “Hurry up and drink this round so that I can get up the nerve to discuss this.” She poured the drinks with the skill of a seasoned bartender and quietly took a seat at the kitchen table. The centerpiece on the table was a box of Kleenex and we knew it was not going to be a happy announcement. Around this was enough comfort food to feed a small village.
“I hope you’re all planning to spend the night so that no one has to drive home,” LeAnnie said.
“We are,” I assured her.
We set about the task of avoiding the subject which was the reason for our gathering by filling our plates with a pasta caprese made with LeAnnie’s home-grown tomatoes. I sliced into a loaf of homemade hot Italian herb bread which I had pulled out of the oven right before I left that evening and then passed around a small bowl of olive oil and herb mixture in which to dip our decadent bread. That was followed by fresh tapanade which, when spread on the warm bread, actually made me weak in the knees. Kim had brought the most amazing Caesar’s salad complete with homemade dressing and freshly grated Parmesan cheese, and I couldn’t wait to dig in to the Death by Chocolate Cake Joye had made.
We made small talk waiting for LeAnnie to drum up the courage to say what needed to be said.
“Hey, LeAnnie,” I said. “You must have a skunk in the neighborhood. “It smelled pretty strong coming up your driveway.”
“Actually my next door neighbor Todd caught one in a live trap and it’s sitting out in his front yard. He’s going to take it out to the country tomorrow and let it go. He knew something was getting into his garage but thought it was a raccoon because it had been doing quite a bit of damage. He was actually pretty surprised when he found the skunk in the trap.”
“I didn’t know they’d do any damage,” I said.
“Yeah,” LeAnnie said. “Todd said it knocked things off his shelves and got into some of his dried foods and toppled a bunch of potted plants. I guess it was quite the mess.”
“Your house is awfully quiet,” Kim said. “Where are the boys?”
“My mom came and picked them up for the weekend,” LeAnnie said. “She knew I needed a break.”
Halfway through the incredible meal Joye served up our second round of martinis which LeAnnie polished off in one, long drink. Joye filled LeAnnie’s glass again.
“Well, ladies,” LeAnnie said, holding her glass up. “Here’s to the friends we rely on when things get bad. Thanks for being here for me. You know I love you all.”
We all touched glasses and took long sips.
“After 22 years of marriage Kirk packed up his half of the closet last weekend and moved in with his girlfriend. He took our dog, Alex, kissed the boys good bye, and left me standing there trying to process what just happened.”
“Oh, my God,” Kim said.
“That rat bastard!” Joye said.
“He took the dog?” I said. Alex was a Golden Retriever that I had fostered for a couple of months as he was healing from wounds inflicted by his previous owner. LeAnnie and the boys had been very excited about adopting him and Kirk had agreed to take him in so he could train the dog to hunt with him. Alex and I had bonded and he was one of my favorite dogs ever.
“Yeah,” LeAnnie said. “He took the dog, all of his clothes except what was in the laundry, and his midlife crisis-mobile. I knew when he bought that damned Corvette it would lead to nowhere good.”
“How do you know he moved in with his girlfriend?” I asked, still not believing what LeAnnie was telling us. They had been the perfect couple for as long as I had known them.
“He called the boys a couple of days after he left and gave them his new phone number and address. He told them that he’s living just down the road and they could come visit him anytime they wanted. He said he has a built-in swimming pool where they could swim all summer long.”
“Just down the road?” Joye said.
“Literally two blocks away,” LeAnnie answered. “Right at the corner of State and Center Streets. I have to drive by the house every day to get to work.”
“Do we know the other woman?” Kim asked.
“We don’t know her personally,” LeAnnie said. “But we have seen her. You remember the woman we call Hooters Girl because she mows her lawn in her wee bikini?”
“That slut!” Kim said.
“The home wrecker!” Joye said.
“I can’t believe you let him take the dog!” I said.
Joye mixed our third round of martinis, which did seem a bit stronger than rounds one and two. She’d always had a knack for pumping up the alcohol level when it was most needed. Bless her heart.
“God, it’s got to be hard for you to drive by that house every day and see his car there,” Kim said.
“Oh, you have no idea,” LeAnnie said.
“How long do you think it’s been going on?” I asked.
“It’s hard to say,” LeAnnie answered. “But I think it’s been quite a while. She’s the one who sold him the ‘Vette last year. Her dad owns the dealership. I’d be willing to bet their affair started back then. We’ve always bought just the basic model of every vehicle we’ve ever owned and never added any options. My minivan has crank handles to roll up the windows and no air conditioner. But when he bought the ‘Vette no expense was spared; no option left behind. That thing has heated leather seats, a sunroof, the most amazing surround sound stereo system, and a keyless entry locking system (programmed with my date of birth, no less).” With this LeAnnie started to cry and we all reached for our martini glasses and a Kleenex.
For the next three hours we talked and drank and said nasty things about Kirk and his 20 something girlfriend and did our best to console LeAnnie about the loss of her marriage. At last we helped LeAnnie into her bed, covered her up, and turned out her bedroom light.
“All right, ladies,” Joye whispered. “We’ve got work to do.”
“What kind of work could we possibly do at midnight on a Saturday?” Kim asked.
“We’re going to help LeAnnie out,” Joye said.
“She’s sleeping like a rock,” I said. “How can we help her?”
“We’re going to pay a little visit to Kirk’s new love nest,” Joye said.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Kim asked.
“Helping out a friend is always a good idea,” said Joye. “And dishing out a little payback to a cheating husband is even a better idea.”
“I have to tell you,” I said. “This does not sound like a good idea. This cannot bring any good karma to any of us.”
“Are you kidding?” Joye asked. “We’ll have tons of good karma coming our way for helping out a friend in need.”
“We’re not going to do anything destructive are we?” asked Kim.
“Trust me, ladies,” Joye assured us. “WE’RE not going to destroy anything. Although we might elicit a bit of help from a certain little guy to help us out. Our first stop, though, is the laundry room.”
“What the heck do you want from the laundry room?” I asked.
“Kirk’s laundry,” Joye said.
We all headed to the laundry room where two baskets full of Kirk’s clean laundry sat on the floor. Joye grabbed the clothes and brought them to the kitchen table.
“Sort through and find Kirk’s underwear and turn them all inside out,” she instructed.
“Why are we doing this?” I asked. “We’re not going to ruin his clothes are we? Because if we are then we should really wait
until LeAnnie can join the fun.”
“We’re not going to harm one shred of material, I promise,” Joye said. After rummaging through the kitchen cabinets for a few minutes Joye had found the next two items on her list.
“Here,” Joye said. “Put these kitchen gloves on, grab the underwear, and follow me. Make sure that your arms are completely covered.” She held a flashlight and we headed out into LeAnnie’s expansive, wooded backyard, all of Kirk’s underwear turned inside out.
“LeAnnie told me that they hired a landscaping company to come out and get rid of some poison ivy but they hadn’t finished the job yet. Look for piles of brush where the landscapers were working.”
Joye was passing the flashlight over the ground and we saw a large pile of yard clippings. Upon closer inspection several long vines sporting the familiar three-leaf clusters were laying on top of the pile.
“Now, gently caress his underwear with the poison ivy leaves,” she said. “But don’t leave any trace of the leaves behind on the underwear.”
We did as instructed and then returned to LeAnnie’s house where we turned the boxers right side out again, folded them up, and returned them to the laundry baskets.
“Well, that was satisfying,” I said. “Can we go to bed now?”
“No,” Joye said. “That was just the beginning of the fun I’m planning for Kirk and Hooters Girl. Although the next step will take far more courage. Are you ladies up for it?”
“How many martinis have we had, Kim?” I asked.
“I lost count at five,” Kim said.
“What kind of accountant are you?” I asked.
“It’s my night off,” she said in her defense.
“One more round of martinis would probably bump my courage up a notch,” I said. “Joye, you mix.”
Joye mixed another round which we promptly drank. She reached into the refrigerator, pulled out an apple, cut a couple of slices off, and put them into her jacket pocket. We then headed out the front door into the night.
“You know we can’t drive, right?” Kim asked. Always the precautionary model.
“We won’t need to drive,” Joye said. “But we do need to pick up the guest of honor before we head out for a little walk.”
“How far are we going to walk?” I asked. “And just who is the guest of honor anyway?”
“We’re just going to help LeAnnie’s neighbor get rid of his pest problem,” Joye explained.
We walked next door and stood looking into a live animal trap in which a full-grown skunk paced nervously back and forth.
“You’re kidding, right?” Kim said.
“Would I joke about something like this?” Joye asked.
“Count me out, no matter how many martinis we drink!” I said. “I’m going to bed.”
“I’m with Lucy,” Kim said. “This just cannot end well.”
“Have you no faith?” Joye asked with a mock look of shock on her face.
“Have you no common sense?” I shot back.
“Have you no sense of loyalty to one of the best friends we’ve ever had?” Joye asked. “You both know that LeAnnie would be doing this for you if you needed her. She needs us and I say we step up to the plate and make her proud.”
“Joye, we can’t handle a skunk,” Kim argued. “We don’t know anything about them. It’s going to spray us if we pick up the cage.”
“I know they like apples,” Joye said. “I watched a special on Animal Planet. And I know that they only spray if they’re stressed or scared. So we just won’t scare him. Simple, really. We’ll speak quietly and carry the cage very gently.”
“The skunk is clearly stressed,” I said. “He’s trapped in a cage, for Heaven’s sake. And I really don’t think he wants to go for a walk tonight!”
“Of course he wants to go for a walk tonight,” Joye said. “They’re nocturnal creatures. This is their time to get out and have a good time. Besides if we leave him here he’ll be stuck in the cage until tomorrow. If we take him with us, he’ll be released early for good behavior. We’re really doing him a favor.”
“Fine,” Kim said to Joye. “But since you know so much about skunks, you carry the cage.”
“I can handle that,” Joye said. “Are you in Lucy? Or are you going to chicken out and stay behind and abandon LeAnnie in her greatest hour of need?”
“As long as you’re going to carry the skunk I’ll come too,” I agreed. “This could be the greatest gift we ever give to LeAnnie and I want to be able to say that I was instrumental in pulling it off.”
Joye gently dropped one of the apple slices through the cage end. The skunk sniffed the apple and began snacking on it.
“You see?” Joye said. “He loves it! This is going to be a piece of cake!”
Kim and I stood back a distance as Joye gently picked up the cage, but to our surprise the skunk didn’t seem a bit upset. He continued snacking on the apple slice and we began our walk.
A few minutes later we arrived at Hooters Girl’s house at the corner of State and Center Streets. We were happy to see that Kirk’s Corvette wasn’t in the driveway which we hoped meant that the house was empty.
“What’s the plan?” Kim whispered to Joye.
“LeAnnie said the boys told her that Kirk installed a doggie door for Alex as soon as he moved in. We’ll just put the skunk in the doggie door, return the cage to Todd, and go home for a great night’s sleep.”
“Just put the skunk in the doggie door?” I asked. “How simple could that really be? It’s a skunk.”
“That’s why I brought more apple slices,” Joye explained. “I’ll open the trap door and place an apple slice inside the house through the doggie door with the opening of the trap through the opening of the doggie door. The skunk will climb out on his own to get the apple slice and go into the house. A hand delivered gift for Kirk and Hooters Girl...and for LeAnnie.”
We went around to the backyard, pushed through the gate, and walked past the built-in pool and up to the back door. Joye placed the skunk and cage on the ground and was trying to unlatch the cage door.
“Lucy,” Joye instructed, “you hold the doggie door open for me.”
I reached for the doggie door but gasped as it swung open and Alex bounded out through the door, knocked me down, and covered my face with dog kisses.
“I missed you too, Alex!” I whispered. “But you’re breath is horrible! Down, boy!”
Alex followed my commands and sat back, barely able to contain his excitement over seeing me. And then he caught the scent of the skunk and stuck his nose on the cage. The skunk backed into a corner of the cage, clearly on edge.
“Lucy!” Joye said in a loud, frantic whisper. “Grab Alex and get him out of here!”
I grabbed for the Golden Retriever and dragged him by the collar to the far end of the backyard, behind the swimming pool. Joye and Kim backed away from the skunk in the cage and watched as he calmed down after a few minutes and finished off the slice of apple.
Kim held open the doggie door and Joye wedged open the latch on the cage which would allow the skunk to leave. Joye showed the slice of apple to the skunk and then pushed the apple through the doggie door and into the kitchen after she propped the skunk’s cage onto the edge of the doggie door. All the skunk had to do was walk down the slope of the cage to the freedom of the kitchen beyond. Unfortunately he seemed rather comfortable where he was.
“Hey, Joye,” I said quietly from the back of the yard, “Try shaking him out of the cage.”
“I’ll hold the dog and you shake the cage!” she said, obviously not enjoying this part of the evening’s escapades.
“No need to get cranky!” I said. “Sheesh, I was just trying to help.”
After a few minutes of waiting patiently, though, this idea seemed to take on merit, and Joye did shake the cage a bit. And then a bit more. And suddenly the skunk’s tail was held at attention and was pointed right at
Joye...just as her shaking caused the skunk to turn completely around, and it slid through the doggie door and into the kitchen, spraying a stream of toxic smelling odor into the house. Kim slammed the doggie door shut and they ran back toward Alex and I, laughing so hard I wondered how they could even see.
And then Alex started to whine as headlights shone through the side gate and we realized that Kirk and Hooters Girl were home as the Corvette came up the driveway.
Kim and Joye joined me behind a tool shed where, peeking around the corner, we unfortunately had a perfect view of the Corvette. In it Kirk and Hooters Girl were fogging up the windows and tearing at each other’s clothes. Every now and then Hooters Girl’s head would pop up through the sun roof and Kirk would howl like a wolf. The doors swung open and they met in front of the car where Kirk lifted her up on the hood.
“I’m sure glad LeAnnie’s not here to see this,” Joye said quietly.
“That’s disgusting,” Kim said. “Kirk’s such an ass.”
Alex started to whine and I saw Kirk look in the direction of the backyard.
“Quick,” Joye whispered, “Let Alex go before he gives us away!”
“If I let him go, he’ll go after the skunk!” I said.
“If you don’t let him go, we’re going to get caught,” Joye said. “And we REALLY don’t want to get caught. Kirk will think that LeAnnie planned this!”
I let Alex go and, sure enough, he headed straight through the doggie door in search of the skunk. Kim, Joye, and I remained behind the tool shed at the back of the yard to wait for Kirk and Hooters Girl to go inside so we could get out of the backyard undetected.
All of the windows in the house were open on this lovely night and we could hear quite the ruckus coming from within. Suddenly pots and pans were smashing about and the dog yelped. Kirk and Hooters Girl stopped what they were doing when they heard the ruckus and headed into the house.
A few seconds later the skunk came running through the doggie door into the backyard with Alex hot on his tail, Alex’s face just dripping. The skunk escaped through the narrow fence to the safety of the woods beyond.
“Let’s get out of here!” Joye said in a frantic whisper just as Alex was heading our way, tail wagging frantically in his glory after the hunt.
However the back porch light came on and just before we stepped out from behind the shed Kirk slammed open the back door. We stood back in the shadows just in time to remain unseen.
“Alex!” Kirk shouted. “What in the Hell did you do?”
Alex immediately headed toward Kirk, tail now between his legs as he was being reprimanded.
“Oh, my God!” Kirk shouted. “The skunk got you too! Alex, sit. You bad, bad dog!”
Alex followed the command and sat in the grass.
I peeked around the corner of the shed just in time to see Hooters Girl coming out of the kitchen where she slipped in the doorway where the skunk had let loose its toxic stream. I could hear a splat as she went down in the puddle.
“I told you not to put a doggie door in my home, Kirk,” she shrieked. “And for this very reason! This disgusting crap is all over me! Even in my hair!”
“In all the years I’ve had a doggie door in my house we never had anything like this happen, babe. I swear it’s just a freak thing.”
Kirk was helping her to her feet and Alex was looking anxiously in our direction.
“I am not staying here tonight,” she shouted. “You clean this shit up and I’m going to a hotel!” With this she headed back inside and slipped again on the puddle but didn’t fall.
“You might want to clean yourself up a bit first,” Kirk suggested. “I don’t think they’ll let you in a hotel smelling like that.”
“How the Hell do I get rid of this stench?” she shrieked.
“Tomato juice is the only thing I know that will cut the smell,” Kirk said. “If you’ll go to grocery store to get some I’ll start cleaning up the mess in the kitchen.”
“I can’t go to the store smelling like this,” Hooters Girl seethed. “I’d be arrested for public indecency.”
“Fine, I’ll go and get the tomato juice. You stay here and clean up the kitchen.”
“I will not clean up the mess your damned dog made in MY house!” Hooter’s girl screamed. “It’s your dog, you clean it up!”
Hooters Girl sat down on the deck, folded her arms like a stubborn 2-year-old, and wouldn’t budge.
“Fine,” Kirk said. “Alex, you stay and do not move from that spot!”
Alex looked in our direction again but I knew from Alex’s training as a hunting dog that when he was given a command, he would follow it faithfully and he would not move.
Hooters Girl began pacing when Kirk left. She went inside to grab her cigarettes and was literally gagging from the smell in the kitchen. Alex sat patiently waiting.
“You dumb ass dog,” Hooters Girl seethed. “I told Kirk not to bring you here in the first place. God, I hate you.”
Alex lowered his head and let out a quiet whine.
We stood behind the shed not making a sound while Hooters Girl smoked two cigarettes and continued to degrade Alex who never moved from the spot in which he was told to remain.
At last Kirk returned with a case of huge cans of tomato juice. Hooters Girl took some of the cans inside and we could see lights being turned on throughout the house and up the stairs.
Kirk set about the task of soaking poor Alex with the cold, coagulated liquid and kept repeating the command which would keep him from moving. He emptied four or five cans over the poor dog and Alex remained faithfully looking like he just did not get what all the commotion was about. Kirk sat down on the deck to let the tomato juice soak in for a few minutes.
Hooters Girl slid the screen open on the upstairs bathroom window and stuck her head through the opening. Her too blonde hair now looked like a scene in a B-rate zombie move and tomato juice was mixing with her mascara, running down her face, and making her wince.
“Kirk,” she shouted out the window. “I hate that damned dog. Either he goes or YOU go. TOMORROW! AND DO NOT LET THAT ANIMAL BACK IN MY HOME!” Her anger seemed to renew and she was crying in fits and sobs. She flung the window open wide then and began throwing empty tomato juice cans out the second story bathroom window at poor Alex. One of the cans hit him square on the back and Alex did the only thing he could. He ran straight through the doggie door into the safety of the home.
“No, Alex,” Kirk shouted. “Bad dog! Get out of the house!”
Kirk stood up and ran into the house. As we all watched around the corner of the shed complete chaos broke out in the previously happy little home wrecker’s home.
The next few moments Kirk sounded something like this:
“Bad dog, Alex. Get outside! No, Alex. Do not go into that living room. I mean it Alex. GOD DAMN IT, ALEX! No, Alex. Get off that couch. Oh, my god, Alex. Do not shake again. Get out of the living room, Alex. I mean it! Get out, Alex. Not the flat screen television Alex! No, stop shaking. Get out. Get off those stairs, Alex. Get over here! Get out of the bedroom, Alex. Get off the bed.”
“Oh, my God,” shrieked Hooters Girl. “Get that piece of shit animal off of my white goose down comforter! Get him out of my house! Kirk, DO something! Oh, my God, he just shook all over me and I’m going to have to put tomato juice all over myself AGAIN!”
“He just shook all over me too,” Kirk shouted back. “Do you think I’m not trying to get him out of the house?”
“Well, you’re certainly not trying very hard or he wouldn’t be in MY house would he?”
“He wouldn’t be in YOUR house if you hadn’t thrown the damned tomato juice cans at him in the first place!”
We couldn’t see what was going on inside but from our vantage point we did watch as the windows in several different rooms were suddenly covered with red slime as Alex was obviously trying to shake free of the tom
ato juice bath.
And then suddenly the back door flew open and Kirk shoved Alex out into the yard. He snapped the lock on the doggie door and we could hear him return to the upstairs as he tried to placate a nearly hysterical Hooters Girl.
We headed toward the gate by the driveway keeping our distance from Alex as he shook again and again.
“I thought we’d never get out of there,” Kim said.
“I can’t believe we didn’t get caught,” I said.
We opened the gate ready for the two-block walk home when Joye stopped suddenly. She walked over to the Corvette and punched in LeAnnie’s date of birth in the keyless entry on the driver’s side door. The lock clicked and she opened the door. She returned to the gate, opened it up, and said, “Hey Alex, wanna go for a ride?”
The last thing we saw as we headed down the dark and quiet streets on our way back to our sleeping friend’s home was Alex’s head popping up through the Corvette’s sunroof waiting to go for a ride in Kirk’s mid-life crisis mobile. I couldn’t see if he was wagging his tail as the ‘Vette’s windows were smeared with tomato juice, but I’m confident he was as happy as we were.
1Nothing says ‘we’re here for you’ like homemade bread. The next time you have a friend in need, feed your souls with my favorite bread recipe. Make it in the bread machine so you can get back to your martinis faster.
Italian Herb Bread
1-1/4 cups water
1-1/2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon garlic salt
3-1/2 cups white bread flour
2 teaspoons granulated sugar
1 tablespoon dried parsley
1/3 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
2 teaspoons dried, minced onion
1 teaspoon basil
1 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
2 teaspoons active dry yeast
Place ingredients in bread machine according to manufacturer’s instructions. Check throughout the cycles to be sure the dough does not stick to the sides of the machine. If it sticks then add flour a bit at a time until it forms a ball that does not stick.
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