Chapter 5
Just Desserts
The ladies and I all met at LeAnnie’s house for our monthly martini fest tonight and I have to say that I laughed more than I have in one evening for years.
You see, it’s been a couple of weeks since we brought our smelly little friend to visit Kirk’s new love nest. I had a pretty good idea of the end result of the skunk-capades, but I didn’t figure we’d ever hear how the poison ivy idea panned out. I was wrong, however, and will be forever grateful that I was. For the result of rubbing Kirk’s underwear in poison ivy took on a life of its own and gave the ladies and I one of the biggest laughs we’ve ever experienced together. The timing could not have been better as Kirk happened to pay a visit tonight during ladies night.
Well into our third round of martinis and just as we were cutting into a fabulous black forest cheesecake Kim had made, we heard a knock on the door. On LeAnnie’s porch stood Kirk, shoulders sagging, face unshaven, clothes wrinkled, his hand not so discretely returning again and again to scratch the parts his mother told him never to share with a stranger.
“Can I talk to you for a few minutes?” he asked LeAnnie.
“I really don’t have time, Kirk,” LeAnnie said. “I have company.”
Alex was standing behind LeAnnie and I was surprised to see that instead of getting excited to see his old buddy, Kirk, he laid down quietly with a heavy sigh and wouldn’t even look in his direction. I guess the dog can hold a grudge even though he was only taken hostage by Kirk and Hooters Girl for a couple of weeks before his somewhat unexpected return to LeAnnie’s home, a bit worse for the wear carrying with him the underlying scent of skunk.
Kirk looked behind LeAnnie and could see us in the kitchen. We were perfectly quiet wanting to hear the conversation and yet knowing we needed to give LeAnnie privacy at the same time. Damn this nosey nature inherently bred in women!
“It won’t take long,” he said. “I promise. It’s really important.”
“I think you said all you needed to say when you left the boys and I and moved in with Hooters Girl,” LeAnnie said. “Really, Kirk, we have nothing left to discuss.”
“Hooters Girl?” he asked.
“Yes, Hooters Girl,” LeAnnie practically hissed.
“How’d you know she worked at Hooters? That was years ago.”
“Lucky guess,” LeAnnie said. “What do you want, Kirk?”
“Look, we really need to talk. But I have to use your bathroom first.”
I was sitting several feet away from the man and could see the sweat dripping from his forehead. The pit stains on his shirt were practically glowing.
“Fine,” she said. “But make it fast. And don’t leave the toilet seat up.”
She opened the door and Kirk practically knocked her over on his way to the facilities.
“Where’s your car?” she shouted to his back as he shut the door to the bathroom.
“It’s a long story,” he said. “I walked over.”
LeAnnie came back into the kitchen.
“What’s he want?” Kim asked.
“He says we need to talk,” LeAnnie said.
“Do you want us to leave?” I asked. “We could take a walk and you could call us when you’re done.”
“Oh, no,” LeAnnie said. “I have a feeling we’re going to get an update on the fun you had a couple of weeks ago at our last ladies night after I went to bed. You stay in here and I’ll close the kitchen door. You turn on the P.A. system in here and I’ll turn on the one in the living room before he comes out of the bathroom. You’ll be able to hear everything, and it will save me from repeating the conversation after he leaves. Just be really quiet.”
She left the kitchen and closed the door behind her. A few seconds later we heard a bit of static coming from the speaker on the wall and we all crowded around, martinis in hand.
“Are you feeling all right?” LeAnnie said. “You’re sweating rather profusely.”
“Actually I’m really not doing that well,” Kirk admitted.
“Are you sick?” LeAnnie asked.
“I’m not really sure,” Kirk answered. “I’ve had some tests but the results aren’t back quite yet.”
“Tests for what?”
“An unidentified skin condition.”
“Unidentified?”
“Like I said the test results aren’t back yet.”
“I don’t see anything wrong with your skin.”
“It’s under my clothes.”
“Which clothes?”
We knew LeAnnie was toying with him and couldn’t believe she hadn’t started laughing yet. She must be an amazing poker player. We could all imagine what Kirk was hiding in those boxers of his. All the while we could hear just the faintest of scratching sounds through the tiny speaker on the wall.
“My jeans, actually,” Kirk admitted.
“You mean your legs?” the mock question nearly sent the three of us into fits of hysterics.
“If you must know,” Kirk said lowering his voice considerably, “I have a bit of a rash in my most sensitive areas.”
“I didn’t know there was anything at all sensitive about you,” LeAnnie said. “I thought you’d developed a pretty thick skin based on the way you left the boys and I.”
“Look,” Kirk said. “I couldn’t be sorrier about what I did to all of you. All I can say is I went temporarily insane.”
“Copping a plea of insanity might work in a courtroom, but it certainly doesn’t fly in my home,” LeAnnie said.
“In our home,” Kirk said.
“No, my home,” LeAnnie said adamantly. “This ceased to be your home the day you packed your bags and left us for Hooters Girl and her perky breasts.”
“I don’t blame you for being angry,” Kirk said in the most placating voice I’d ever heard.
“Blame me for being angry?” LeAnnie seethed. “Blame me?”
“You know what I mean,” Kirk said.
I could hear LeAnnie breathing harder and could bet that she was busy trying to get her temper and her blood pressure under control before she spoke again. This was a trait I had always admired about LeAnnie. She adamantly subscribed to the philosophy that you would never regret what you did not say in anger.
And while LeAnnie was getting herself under control, the scratching sounds coming through the intercom seemed to take on a life of their own. They had developed an almost jazz-like rhythm that was actually quite catchy under the circumstances.
“Kirk, what did you come here for?” LeAnnie asked in a quite calm, almost Zen-like manner.
“I know I’ve been horrible to you, LeAnnie,” Kirk said. “But I’m here to ask you to take me back. Give me a second chance. I’d be willing to go to counseling with you. I’d be willing go to Hell and back with you. I’d do anything to make this work.”
“Why now?” LeAnnie asked. “Was the grass not quite as green on Perky Breast Mountain as you thought it would be?”
“I just realized how much I need you. I miss you. I miss us. I miss the boys.”
“Maybe you miss the boys because you’ve barely spoken to them since you left us two weeks ago. You left them with questions that I had to answer because you’re a coward and wouldn’t answer for yourself. Questions like ‘Why does daddy hate us now?’ And ‘If I had behaved better would he have stayed?’ And ‘Why does he love his new girlfriend more than us?’ And my favorite, ‘What did you say to him to make him leave us, mom?’”
“I know it’s been awful, LeAnnie,” Kirk pleaded. “But I’m asking you to forgive me. I made a mistake. A huge mistake that I regret more than anything I’ve ever done.”
“I have to say that I’m suspicious, Kirk. This seems pretty sudden. I mean you were all set to give up everything we had built together and now all of the sudden you come back, asking for forgiveness and saying you’ve seen the error of your ways. Did you get religion? Or is there something m
ore to this?”
“I’m just sorry, that’s all. And I want you back.”
“There’s more to this than you being sorry, Kirk. Tell me the truth. Did Hooters Girl kick you out?”
“OK,” Kirk said. “She did kick me out, but that’s not the reason I’ve come back. I came back because I realize how deeply I love you. How much I’ve ALWAYS loved you.”
“Why did she kick you out, Kirk?”
“I’d rather not say,” he said.
“Then this conversation is done,” LeAnnie said. “You need to leave now.”
“All right, I’ll tell you,” he said. “She kicked me out because of this rash.”
The jazz-like scratching rhythm had begun again and then seemed to end in a long, bluesy kind of crescendo.
“Just how bad is this rash, Kirk?”
“Well, there are a lot of open sores and inflammation and quite a bit of swelling. The dermatologist said he thinks it’s a pretty severe case of poison ivy, but he’s running more tests because I can’t imagine how I got poison ivy in my pants. I’m staying in a hotel room right now and pretty much sit around with no clothes on just for relief. It hurts when anything touches it, and for some reason it keeps getting worse.”
“Is it an STD, Kirk?”
“It’s not an STD, but my girlfriend thinks it is.”
“How ridiculous that Hooters Girl could even conceive of the possibility that you might CHEAT on her. Where ever would she get that idea, Kirk?”
And that was the point that LeAnnie started to laugh. “So, you come back here after getting kicked out of the home wrecker’s house to ask me to take you back so I can treat your herpetic wounds?” The volume of her laughter increased. “You leave me after 22 years of marriage for the 20-something woman who sold you the mid-life crisis mobile and you come back saying that you made a tiny mistake? Like using creamy peanut butter instead of extra crunchy on your sandwich?”
LeAnnie started laughing so hard it was a wonder she could even breathe then. We heard the front door open and close and the speaker clicked off. I guess Kirk got the message that LeAnnie wasn’t interested in reconciliation.
LeAnnie returned to the party at her own kitchen table where we toasted a most memorable evening.
“To LeAnnie and her new independence,” Kim said, as we clinked our glasses together.
“And to the friends who helped bring Kirk’s true colors to the surface of his groin!” LeAnnie added.
I must say that I haven’t laughed so hard in many, many years. My stomach muscles actually ached that night.
I must admit that I tremendously enjoyed my drive home the next morning. In Hooters Girl’s the yard sat Kirk’s Corvette, the windows still smudged with red. On it a sign read, “Corvette for sale. Reasonable Price or Will Trade for Motor Home in Decent Condition.”
Speaking of just desserts…
Black Forest Cheesecake
1 9-ounce package Oreo cookies
3/4 stick of butter, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1-1/2 cups whipping cream
1 12–ounce package semisweet chocolate chips
2 8-ounce packages cream cheese
3/4 cups sugar
4 eggs
1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 21-ounce can cherry pie filling
Extra whipping cream for garnish
1. Butter spring form pan. Crush cookies and cut in the butter. Press into pan.
2. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Heat chocolate chips and whipping cream stirring constantly until chocolate melts.
3. Beat cream cheese and sugar until smooth. Add eggs. Add chocolate mixture and vanilla and stir well. Pour into crust.
4. Bake 1-1/4 hours. Refrigerate for several hours before serving.
5. Spread cherry pie filling on top and garnish with whipped cream.
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