Chapter 9
Astrological Odds
I met a very philosophical gentleman this afternoon. We have been e-mailing for quite some time and I had high hopes for this first date. I really had the feeling this guy was going to be something special.
He had suggested that we meet at Carrabba’s Italian Grill which I thought was a good sign as it is by far my favorite restaurant in Lansing. However I realized when I arrived that Carrabba’s was actually not open during the lunch hour on weekdays.
When he got out of his car, which was obviously easy to spot because it was the only other vehicle in the parking lot, he was indeed a very handsome man. He had salt and pepper hair and wore a black turtleneck sweater and matching slacks. His beard and mustache were nicely trimmed and he looked quite debonair. He carried himself with an air of self assurance and, I noted, had great posture. However as he approached I could see mounds of dandruff sprinkled over his shoulders, back and chest.
“Hello,” he said. “You’re Lucy I presume.”
“Hi,” I answered. “You must be Ezekiel.”
“Indeed I am,” he said, “at your service.” And then he actually bowed and took my hand and kissed it. Now, normally I would think this a quite sophisticated move; one you might see in the old black and white movies, made by a handsome man with a pencil-thin mustache wearing a tux, ready with a rose between his teeth to invite me to do the Mamba. However as he made this gesture, a fine layer of fairy dust dandruff settled on my hand. All I could think was that these were tiny pieces of this man’s SKIN lying on my hand. He was actually molting...on me!
I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings as I know from my years of typing for a dermatologist that this is a medical condition. As a matter of fact the disorder in humans is quite similar to the disease in fish called Ick, which frankly is far more appropriately named. And really I wouldn’t want someone judging me on a skin disorder without really getting to know me. He truly did deserve a chance, but I would have to diligently work at getting past the fairy dust on my hand.
“I’m a bit disappointed to see that Carrabba’s is closed,” I said. I was starving and had really been looking forward to a nice meal at this fine restaurant.
“Oh, I knew it was closed,” he said. “But I figured it would be easier to meet in this parking lot than at the mall as it would be easier to identify one another. I thought we could then head over to the mall and get a cup of coffee at the Starbuck’s in Barnes & Noble.”
This date was certainly taking some unexpected turns, I thought. I guess this means there will be no heavenly pasta, no refreshing Sangria, none of Carrabba’s famous home-made bread to be dipped in olive oil and seasonings that could have made me melt right in my seat.
I’m not so set in my ways, though, that a change of plans will spoil my day. Having worked at home for many years I know the meaning of being flexible. Sometimes the unexpected events turn out to be the most enjoyable. Besides Starbuck’s does have great coffee and it would be a nice place to get to know one another. And so we each drove our respective cars to the mall across the street and headed for the bookstore.
At the Starbuck’s counter I was looking over the menu, fantasizing about the wonderful coffee and bagel or dessert I would be enjoying in a few moments when Ezekiel interrupted my thoughts.
“This will be my treat,” he said. “What do you usually get?”
“I usually get a double caramel macchiato,” I answered.
“That sounds wonderful,” Ezekiel said. “Would you mind if we split one?”
Now the fact of the matter is that I did not want to split my coffee with him. I was starving and my hopes for a meal at Carrabba’s had already been dashed, sending my mind, body, and soul into an oblivion of comfort food depression. But thanks to my mom and the impeccable set of manners with which I had been raised, my mouth agreed while my mind rebelled.
“You didn’t want food, too, did you?” he asked.
“Actually I am pretty hungry,” I said and realized that I was actually feeling a bit light headed just thinking about the giant brownie that stared at me from within the glass case.
“I have a coupon for 50 cents off of biscotti,” he offered.
“Why don’t you get that and I’ll get a brownie,” I said.
“I don’t have a coupon for that,” Ezekiel practically sulked.
“I really don’t mind buying my own dessert...and coffee for that matter,” I said.
“No,” Ezekiel said emphatically, waving his hand in the air as if to wipe even the suggestion away. “Above all else I am a gentleman. I insist. This is my treat. Let’s just share the brownie and I’ll use the biscotti coupon another day...hopefully before it expires.”
Clearly he managed his finances quite well, I thought. He was obviously good at getting the most for his money. This could be a good thing in a partnership, right?
We found a cozy table and Ezekiel set the brownie on the table. He divided it into two pieces and, proving what a gentleman he truly was once again, allowed me to choose first, smiling appreciatively as I chose the smaller piece. He then poured half of the coffee into another cup and took a sip, passing my half cup back toward me. And so we sat with our respective portions of coffee and dessert and really began to get to know one another.
“What do you do for a living?” Ezekiel asked.
“I work from home editing medical documents,” I said. “How about you?”
“I’m an accountant,” he answered. What a surprise, I thought.
“What do you do with your time off?” I asked.
“Well, my favorite hobby is astrology,” he said. “You can learn infinite lessons from the stars. I’ve actually made some of the most important decisions in my adult life based on the alignment of the stars during a certain moon phase.”
“How did those decisions work out for you?” I asked.
“Well, you’re sitting right here with me, aren’t you?” he said.
“So you decided to meet me because the moon was in the right phase?” I asked wanting to clarify.
“No, it’s not really that easy,” Ezekiel said, speaking a bit more slowly now so that I could truly understand the conversation.
“I decided to meet you because the moon in Pisces is void, and I’m a Pisces. And the Aries moon takes control when that occurs, and of course you’re an Aries. At this point the sun is expected to make a 90-degree liaison with Jupiter. That, my friend, depicts the perfect circumstance under which to begin a new phase in one’s own life.”
Well, that’s as clear as mud, I thought.
“Oh,” I said, hoping the bewilderment wasn’t as obvious on my face as it was in my brain.
“I can see you’re a bit befuddled,” he said, looking at me sympathetically. “I apologize. I get so excited about these things that I forget to speak in laymen’s terms. Basically our moons are aligned nearly perfectly and we very well could be sitting right here looking into the eyes of our respective SOUL MATES! How exciting is that!”
“Wow,” I said, really trying to enjoy the same enthusiasm Ezekiel was clearly experiencing at this very moment. “That’s pretty amazing.”
“You’ve got that one right,” he said, now actually sitting on the edge of his seat and becoming so animated that I realized I had became very protective of my half of the brownie so it would not be flung to the floor in his excitement.
Now, I really do try to keep an open mind to other people’s beliefs. Many people ascribe to astrology as a legitimate form of plotting out their futures; who am I to say it doesn’t work? Perhaps I should open my mind here and truly learn something from this man.
“Hurry up and finish your brownie so we can go do some research,” he said. “I don’t know about you, but I have a great feeling about this date.”
As he said this he was literally shoving the last of his brownie in his mouth and was halfway standing up, ready to begin the astrology les
son of the day.
I was absolutely sure it would be sacrilege to scarf the portion of brownie I’d been given. I was also pretty sure Ezekiel would be spending at least a bit of time in Hell for having so casually consumed one of a life’s greatest pleasures with no regard whatsoever to the soul it would feed. Besides, my half of the coffee was already finished and so I scooped up the brownie and we practically sprinted to the astrology section.
“You certainly seem to know just where you’re going,” I commented, holding my bit of brownie in a death grip.
“Oh, I come here all the time,” he said, now out of breath from the pace we were keeping. “I actually rarely buy a book but come in here to read all the latest releases. I’ll read a few chapters, fold the page where I leave off, and hide the book I’m reading so no one disturbs it. The next time I return I just pick up the book and continue reading. It’s a great system and saves me a TON of money.”
“Very clever,” I said. “But isn’t that what libraries are for?”
“Where’s the ambiance in a library?” he asked. “Is there a Starbuck’s in any of the libraries you’ve visited? And what about the new releases? You actually have to be put on a waiting list to get a copy of anything newer than a year old. No, I can count on Barnes and Noble for a great reading experience every time and I wouldn’t trade it for all of the libraries in the world.”
“Don’t you feel a bit guilty about not purchasing anything? Don’t you feel bad about taking up space where paying customers could be reading? I mean, that’s how they stay in business,” I said.
“I’m sure they don’t mind,” he said. “If they did, would they leave all of these cozy seating areas around just inviting one to leisurely loll away the hours reading their books? Of course not!” he answered his own question. “Besides, I help make it look like a more desirable place to be. People just want to spend time where other people go. I help fill the place up.”
Interesting concept, I thought. Not one with which I completely agree, but interesting nonetheless.
We had finally arrived at the astrology section and Ezekiel moved a few books to the side on the bottom shelf, took out a book, and opened it to a dog-eared page.
“This is a pretty reliable resource,” he said, showing me the cover of the book. On it was a picture of the nighttime sky with lines drawn between the stars delineating the astrological signs. An oversized Cupid could be seen pointing his arrow at a terribly angry Taurus the bull. On the bottom half of the book cover Taurus the bull had a suction cup arrow sticking to the side of his head and he floated toward Virgo with marshmallow hearts drifting lazily from his eyes.
“Reliable for what?” I asked.
“I’ve actually found it to be pretty accurate when it comes to predicting how certain signs will mesh during a particular moon phase. I want to check to see if we really could be soul mates as I highly suspect is the case. The first thing I thought when I saw you was that Jupiter truly had aligned with Mars and my search could finally be over! I’m just so excited!”
While he read the book to himself Shallow Lucy casually dropped by for a visit and poked me in the forehead.
“Look,” said Shallow Lucy. “You know you think this guy’s a complete nut. Why are you still standing here pretending this could lead to even one more date?”
“You don’t know he’s a complete nut,” I answered back.
“All right,” argued Shallow Lucy, “describe one redeeming quality you’ve found in this man so far.”
“He’s dressed nicely,” I said defiantly.
“How can you possibly tell he’s dressed nicely? He’s molting so heavily you can barely see the top half of his sweater.”
“Well, there’s that,” I admitted.
“Come on now,” said Shallow Lucy, “Can you name one, single thing this man has done that has seemed even remotely normal?”
“He paid for coffee and dessert,” I said. “That was nice. I even offered to chip in but he insisted. You can’t possibly argue that this is the sign of a true gentleman. Oh...AND he kissed my hand when we met. Another indisputably gentlemanly move.”
“Oh, my God!” Shallow Lucy laughed. “Kissed your hand? I thought he was dusting for fingerprints with that layer of dandruff he left behind. Please don’t even begin to tell me you were impressed when he bought you HALF of a cup of coffee and allowed you to eat HALF OF HIS BROWNIE. Because if you tell me that, I will leave right this instant. And you know full well that if you’re left unsupervised you may very well end up taking this lunatic home.”
“Fine, leave,” I pouted. “You weren’t invited to this date anyway.”
The argument with Shallow Lucy was interrupted when Ezekiel put a hand on my waist and whispered in my ear.
“I was right,” he said quietly. “It’s right here on page 98. Just look.”
He then put both of his arms around me and held the book out so that I could see my future sketched out in charts and graphs and solar happenstances.
“I have never seen two more compatible scenarios,” he said. “Everything is in perfect sequence with not one, single flaw. Honestly you and I may have known each other in many other lives and could very well continue to be closely linked in many lives to come.” He held me very tight then, and it had been so long since I had felt the warmth of a man this close that I actually leaned into him and enjoyed the sensation. I was brought back to a crashing dose of reality, however, as I looked down at my own sweater and saw flakes of this man’s dandruff on my own shoulders. UGH! Perhaps Shallow Lucy was right; I could not be trusted on my own.
Ezekiel had been holding me so tight that as I pulled away from his grasp I felt a bit like I was stepping out of a wet swimsuit.
“That’s quite fascinating,” I said. “I can’t wait to hear more right after I go to the powder room. That coffee’s just going right through me. Just hold that thought and mark this page. I’ll be right back.”
I literally ran to the bathroom, slapping his dry skin from my shoulders as if I was on fire.
As I opened the door to the restroom, I heard Shallow Lucy quietly singing a rather distorted version of Patsy Kline’s “Crazy” in my head.
“That’s very funny,” I argued with her. “OK, OK, I admit it; you were right and I was wrong. This guy’s a certifiable nut. Now I need to figure out a way to bail without hurting his feelings.”
“Tell him that Taurus the bull is out in the parking lot trampling the life out of Aries the sheep,” Shallow Lucy suggested. “And just watch him sprint. You then get lost in the crowd as he runs to watch the action and you’re home free.”
“Clever,” I said “but I could really use some help here. “No more jokes. I need to get out of here but he seems so sweet and romantic. I really don’t want to hurt his feelings.”
“Remember what your therapist said about being more direct with people and not sugar coating everything?” Shallow Lucy said.
“Yes.”
“Try it for a change. The truth could very well set you free of this besotted, horoscopically obsessed, chronically exfoliating, bat shit crazy maniac.”
“Well, aren’t you the judgmental one,” I scolded.
“Admit it,” Shallow Lucy answered back. “He is all of these things and more. And all of these qualities have been laid out before you on the FIRST date. He’s on his absolute BEST behavior. Just think how much worse it will be on the fourth or fifth date.”
“I’m not arguing the fact that the man is somewhat eccentric,” I said. “We both agree on that. Now let’s figure out a kind way of letting him down so he can go out and find a woman who has more in common with him.”
“You mean like Lizzie Borden.”
“Again. Not funny. I could feign herpes. That might very well work.”
“Oooo, a truly great idea,” Shallow Lucy dripped with sarcasm. “Degrade yourself to make this guy, who’s five Buds short
of a six pack, feel better about himself. Have you learned nothing from the last 18 months of therapy? The truth, woman, tell the man the truth.”
“Oh, OK. How’s this sound? ‘Excuse me Ezekiel, but I have to be running along because quite frankly you just creep me out. Oh, and you’ve started a pretty significant sloughing episode. You might want to take care of that little condition. Oh, and also, I think there’s an alien out in the parking lot waiting to take you for a little ride in his cute little silver hover craft.”
“Must you mask your sarcasm?” Shallow Lucy snapped back. “Just tell the guy you’re incompatible and leave it at that.”
“I’ll give it some thought,” I agreed. I washed my hands and refreshed my lipstick. I gave my shoulders one more hearty wipe and returned to the astrology section.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Ezekiel said. “I found something you may really enjoy reading.” He put the book in my hands opened to a page that, at a glance, appeared to be outlining the most erotic positions to be shared between the astrological signs according to the alignment of the stars in a given year.
“Actually, Ezekiel,” I said as I closed the book. “I have to be honest with you. I really don’t think we’re all that compatible.”
“Really?” he asked with the most wounded look on his face...which is the exact reaction I was trying to avoid.
“I’m so sorry. I really don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I haven’t felt a strong connection between us or found common ground.”
“But I’m sure I read our charts right,” he said, flipping through the pages of the book he had taken back from me. “They match so perfectly.” His powdered sugar shoulders drooped and his lower lip stuck out quite prominently beyond his upper lip.
“Thank you for taking the time to meet me here,” I said, “and for the coffee and brownie. You’re such an interesting person and you have so much to offer the right woman. Good luck with your search.”
“Thanks for being honest with me and not wasting my time,” he said. “May the stars bless both of our lives with the passion we seek.”
“Indeed,” I said.
I really do hope that Ezekiel finds true love, in the stars or with his feet planted firmly on the ground.
I left the book store feeling pretty damned good about having let the truth set me free...from this terribly awkward date. I headed into the mall where I shopped for the entire afternoon and found the cutest shoes ever...half price...in my size. Doesn’t life just have a way of presenting us with these enormous gifts in the wake of unusual encounters?
I headed for my car, slipped into the new shoes, and drove straight to Carrabba’s where I fed my soul, my mind, and body. I’m pretty sure they serve pasta in Heaven and they got the recipe right here from this very restaurant. I enjoyed a lovely glass of Riesling with my lobster ravioli, toasted Shallow Lucy and thanked her for the wise advice. What a great turn the day had taken because I did not remain in an uncomfortable date for the sake of another person’s happiness in lieu of my own.
Following this fine meal I read a quote on the bag as I loaded up my leftovers. “There is no love more sincere than the love of food.” How profound. True love of any kind in one’s life is always a welcome pleasure.
Perhaps Shallow Lucy doesn’t believe Ezekiel and Lucy are made for each other, but her bread with olive oil and seasonings recipes certainly are.
Shallow Lucy’s Astrologically Heavenly Rosemary and Garlic Bread
1-1/2 cups water
2 teaspoons sugar
1 teaspoon garlic salt
2 tablespoons rosemary
2 tablespoons minced garlic
1 tablespoon olive oil
3-1/2 cups bread flour
2-1/2 teaspoons yeast
Place ingredients in bread machine according to manufacturer’s instructions. Check throughout the cycles to be sure the dough does not stick to the sides of the machine. If it sticks then add flour a bit at a time until it forms a ball that does not stick.
When Mars Aligns with Venus Olive Oil and Seasonings
1 tablespoon dried basil
1 tablespoon chopped parsley
1 tablespoon minced garlic
2 tablespoons shredded Parmesan, Asiago, and Romano cheese
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon chopped rosemary
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1/2 teaspoon olive oil
Combine all ingredients in a food chopper and mix. Serve in oil dish with olive oil.
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