Our food arrived so Aidan couldn’t reply. I looked down at the highlander chicken on my plate, covered in whiskey sauce accompanied with smooth, creamy mash. The perfect dinner for a cold October evening. “This smells amazing.”
He didn’t say anything. He started to eat and I realized my teasing hadn’t dissuaded him from my evasion or his annoyance with me.
I dug in because there was no way I was letting his mood spoil my dinner. Moaning around the first bite, I kicked my feet a little in food joy. Aidan’s gaze flew up from his plate and I saw the crack of a smile. I wiggled my butt in my seat as I took another bite, and he outright laughed.
“Good?”
I nodded around my mouthful, my eyes wide. Swallowing, I said, “So good.”
“You’re like an excited pup.” He shook his head, still smiling.
“I like good food.”
“Then we’ll make sure you have more of it in the future.”
We shared a warm look and I relaxed as the tension eased between us.
It was silly of me to think Aidan had given up on the subject. He was a man with a very successful career who had somehow managed to make the upturning of his life work for him.
He was determined.
Persistent.
Dogged.
Of which I was reminded while he was driving me home. Our evening had been filled with casual conversation as we learned little things about each other and talked about our week. We also discussed Sylvie and how quickly she’d adapted to being back at school.
But we were only in his car a few minutes when he said, “I don’t like the fact that you feel like you can’t talk to me.”
Surprised by the turn in conversation and by the untruth in his statement, I frowned at him. He quickly glanced at me before looking back at the road. “Glare at me all you want but you’re the one hiding something.”
“I’m not hiding anything.”
“You don’t want to talk about your future and that’s a pretty big fucking deal, Nora.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what you want from your future.”
I want what’s sitting in the seat next to me. But I didn’t confess that. “I’m not sure.”
“What about the theater? You told me you wanted to act when you were a kid. Clearly that hasn’t changed. I’ve seen how you are when you’re Peter Pan. You become someone totally different for those kids. It’s amazing to watch.”
I flushed at the compliment. “Thank you. That’s sweet. But it doesn’t mean I want to act.”
“It doesn’t mean you don’t.”
“Argh, you are an annoying man sometimes.”
He grinned. “I think we’re getting somewhere.”
“Aidan.”
“Pixie.”
My stomach flipped at the thought of telling him the truth. “You don’t want to know what’s going on in my head right now.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.”
“I don’t want you to know what’s going on in my head,” I amended.
The atmosphere changed abruptly and I could see the muscle in his jaw flex.
“Aidan?”
“We’ll drop it, then.”
I’d hurt his feelings. Shit. “Aidan …” I exhaled, the sound heavy and shaky. “I don’t want you to think I’m any more messed up than I already am.”
“You’re not messed up.”
I laughed but it was hollow-sounding and it made him glance at me in concern. I reached over and squeezed his arm gratefully. “You’re kind to say that, but we both know I’m living in limbo right now. And I want to be able to tell you that I’m ready to get out of it, but I’m not sure I am. A while ago, when Jim was alive, I talked to Seonaid about college here and we found out that I could get into Edinburgh to study psychology. It would only cost a couple of thousand and I knew Jim and I could afford it if we put our house-buying plans on hold. I started to imagine what life would be like as a student and was already looking into the amateur theater groups. But the first mention of it to Jim, a mere casual comment, he completely shut me down.”
“Why?” Aidan sounded as confused as I’d felt at first.
Until I’d realized the truth. “He knew, Aidan. He knew I didn’t love him like he loved me and he was scared that if I went to college, I wouldn’t need him anymore. He was scared he’d lose me. But stopping me only pushed me away even further.”
“So why haven’t you done it … now that he’s …”
“Now that he’s gone?” I finished for him, the words sounding bitter even to my ears. “Guilt.”
“Guilt?” Aidan pulled up in front of my building, switched off the engine, and turned to me. I could see something like anger brewing in his eyes. “Guilt?” he repeated.
Knowing not to tell him was to push him away, I forged ahead with the truth. “I don’t deserve it. I told you before … I stole years with Jim. Why should I get to have the things I want?”
“Jesus Christ, Nora.” He ran a hand over his face, looking shell-shocked by what I’d said.
I waited, anxious to know what that meant.
Suddenly, something seemed to occur to him and he looked at me sharply. “If you really feel that way, like you don’t deserve to move on, then why are you here? What am I to you?”
I whispered, “I couldn’t stay away from you if I tried. You? You’re everything, Aidan.”
It was as though the words winded him and then that fierce determination blazed across his face as he reached over to unclip my seat belt. Shoving it out of the way, he wrapped his arms around my waist and hauled me across the center console into his lap.
My foot caught on the steering wheel and I laughed as I tried to get comfortable. “You could’ve just asked me to come closer.”
He didn’t laugh. He kissed me.
I sank against him, opening my mouth and kissing him back, deepening it. I loved the way his fingers tightened on my hips, almost bruising as they gripped me with need. I cupped his face, loving the scratch of his unshaved cheeks against my hands, and I spread my legs across his lap so I could press deeper against him. At the feel of Aidan’s erection nudging me, I gasped into his mouth and ground into him. His groan reverberated through me and I tilted my hips, liking the waves of pleasure rocking through me as I rubbed against him.
Suddenly, I found myself pushed away and I blinked, confused for a second until I saw the impatient desire on his face. “Please tell me we’re done with going slow. I need you, Nora,” his voice was low, hoarse, “so fucking much.”
The flames of want licked hungrily at me too and I couldn’t turn him away. Four weeks was slow enough. “I don’t have much in my apartment, but there is a bed.”
He immediately threw open his door and I tried to slip off him and outside as gracefully as possible. Aidan was right behind me, his arm around my waist, not letting me go, as he reached into the car for my purse and then shut the door behind him. I took my purse in one hand and his hand in the other, hearing the beep of his car lock and vaguely wondering if it was a good idea to leave his car there, but caring more about getting him upstairs and naked.
Inside the building, I turned into him, not able to wait even a second for one more kiss. He granted my wish and we stumbled against the bottom of the stairwell wall as I lost my footing in the stupid stilettos.
I groaned into his mouth as one large hand smoothed down my ass and gripped it, pulling me into him so his raging hard-on pushed against my belly, while the other hand cupped and squeezed my breast. “Oh God—” I broke the kiss, feeling more desperate than I’d ever felt in my life. “I feel like I’m on fire.”
“Tell me about it.” He pulled away and gently nudged me upstairs. “Lead the way, Pixie, before this happens in the stairwell.”
The tingling between my legs intensified at the image of us going at it here, and I found I rather got off on the idea of Aidan and I having risqué sex. Hmm. I filed the thought fo
r later and hurried up the stairs. We couldn’t even speak we were so focused on getting to my apartment and to my bed. And I couldn’t even care he was going to see where I lived. I only cared about getting this man inside me. Finally!
I practically skittered around the corner into my hall and then stumbled to a halt at the sight of a person sitting outside my door.
What?
Shit.
Seonaid looked up at me, her eyes red-rimmed, her cheeks pale. I felt Aidan’s heat at my back, along with the press of a possessive hand above my ass. Seonaid’s eyes grew wide as they flew to him, and she quickly got on her feet. She gave me a shaky smile. “I can leave.”
“No,” I said immediately. My friend looked like she hadn’t slept for days. “What’s going on?”
She ran a hand over her messy ponytail, looking uncomfortable and embarrassed. “I’ll come back.”
Realizing how rude I was being, I turned to Aidan, who looked confused, frustrated, but also a little concerned. “Aidan, this is Seonaid.” I’d talked about her with him and his eyes lit with recognition. “Seonaid, this Aidan.” I’d only confessed to Seonaid last weekend about Aidan after realizing I needed to borrow something to wear for my date. I’d tried to play it down and would’ve been successful too if her appearance here was anything to go by. Seonaid would never have come here if she thought I was sleeping with Aidan, since she was such a huge advocate for me moving on. But her witnessing Aidan and I panting down the hall had blown that evasion out of the water.
Right now, I didn’t care.
Something was up with my friend.
“Nice to meet you.” Aidan held out a hand to her.
She took it, giving him a tremulous smile. “You too.”
“Look,” he put his hand on my shoulder, drawing my attention back to him, “I’m going to head home, let you catch up with your friend. Call me?”
Feeling guilty for getting him all hot and bothered, I gave him an apologetic smile. “You sure?”
“Of course.” He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to my mouth and when he pulled back, he murmured against my lips, “But we pick up where we left off, Pixie.”
I grinned. “Agreed.”
He gave me one more quick kiss, like he couldn’t help himself, gave Seonaid a nod of goodbye, and walked away.
I stared after him, regretting we’d been interrupted, even though I was worried about Seonaid. When I looked back at her, she winced apologetically. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I grabbed her arm and led her to my door, fumbling in my purse for the key. I let us in, locking it behind us. “Now, what’s going on?”
“Oh fuck, Nora,” she groaned, her hands on her head in despair. “I had sex with Roddy.”
“You what?”
Seonaid groaned at my expression and slumped down onto my sofa. “Oh, I’ve fucked up, haven’t I?”
Stunned and confused, and still trying to come down from sexual frustration, I moved into the kitchen to put the kettle on. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?” How the hell had this happened?
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Seonaid.”
“I don’t know… Fuck!”
I waited patiently for her to speak. The kettle started to boil and whine loudly, so she waited, likely using the time to gather her thoughts. We looked at each other across the small space. At the fear darkening her blue eyes, I felt anxious. What did this mean for our friendship? If Seonaid and Roddy started avoiding each other, would that mean our threesome would crumble over time? Would Roddy and I eventually stop talking altogether if he no longer spoke with Seonaid? And how would Angie react to that?
As difficult as it was at first, I’d started to feel like I was getting my friends back and was able to do so without the grief or pain constantly attacking me. More than that, however, Roddy and Seonaid needed each other. I hope they hadn’t screwed that up.
She waited while I made us tea and brought it over. She clasped her mug tightly in her hands, shivering as heat rushed into her.
The apartment was cold and would be while the central heating booted up. We kept our coats on, looking at each over our hot mugs of tea. “Well?”
Seonaid gave me a grim look. “A man came into the salon yesterday with his girlfriend and I swear to God, Nora, he was Jim’s spitting image. I’ve been trying,” her lips trembled as tears filled her eyes, “I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together for you and Mum, but something happened when I saw that guy … I felt haunted for the rest of the day. And I really wanted to be around someone who loved him as much as I did, someone who could handle my sadness. So I went to Roddy.” She shot me a teary, apologetic look, and I felt guilty that she felt I couldn’t handle her grief. “I told him what happened and he … he held me while I cried. And then we had a few beers together and …” She shook her head, disbelief written all over her face. “We’d been talking together on the couch and then somehow, we were all over each other.”
Engrossed, I urged, “What happened next?”
“We had sex on the couch and before I could even think about what the hell we’d done, he picked me up and took me to his bed.” She said it like she was horrified but her expression conveyed anything but horror. “And we went at it again. Like animals.” She shivered and bit her lip and I had to stop myself from laughing.
Clearly, Seonaid had enjoyed herself.
So, what was the problem?
“Afterward, I couldn’t believe what the hell we’d done!” She threw her hands up and stood, spilling tea over her mug without realizing. “How the hell could we have done this? We’re Roddy and Seonaid! Friends! My little brother’s best friend.”
“You’ve slept with men younger than Roddy,” I reminded her.
“Not the point.” She whirled around, eyes blazing. “We screwed up one of the most important relationships in our lives.”
“Does Roddy feel that way?” Somehow, I doubted it.
“Look, I’m not stupid, okay. Roddy has fancied me his entire life so it was obvious he was pretty fucking satisfied with himself.” She made a face. “But I can see what he can’t.”
“And what’s that?”
“That sex between us only messes things up. I can’t have casual sex with Roddy.”
“What if he doesn’t want to have casual sex?” He definitely didn’t.
“Of course it’s casual sex. It’s Roddy.”
Oh dear God, how could she be so blind? “I’m pretty sure Roddy sees you as more than casual sex.”
“Exactly. He cares about me. Like I care about him. So being fuck buddies—no matter how amazing the sex was, and oh my God, it was annoyingly amazing—will only damage how we feel for each other. He’s a bloke, so he can’t see that far ahead, but I can.”
“Maybe it would turn into something more?”
“Nora,” she huffed my name in exasperation, “it won’t. That’s what I’m trying to say. But Roddy … he doesn’t get it.” Slumping down again, her eyes watered. “He’s really mad at me right now. I think I may have acted like what we’d done was disgusting and somehow managed to hurt his feelings. You know … the ones he pretends he doesn’t have.”
My chest ached for Roddy because I knew she’d more than hurt his feelings. She’d given him everything he’d ever wanted and then taken it away, as if what they’d done was shameful. I knew Seonaid hadn’t meant it and I could see how remorseful she felt, but I was still hurt on Roddy’s behalf. “He cares about you, Seonaid. You need to tell him everything you told me.”
“I want to sweep it under the rug and hope that things return to normal. I can’t lose his friendship, Nora.”
“Then go to him. Tell him that.” It might not be what he wanted to hear but at least he’d know he was important to her.
Seonaid was quiet, and then she looked up at me from beneath her long, wet lashes. “Sorry I interrupted your evening.”
At her pointed comment, I shifted a little uncomfortably
. “About that—”
“You are allowed to have sex with other men, Nora. I’m happy for you.”
“I wasn’t anticipating it happening. I mean…” I flopped back against the couch. “I lose my head every time I’m around him.”
“Does that mean you two are already…?”
“No. I mean, we’re definitely heading in that direction and have been.” I gave her an apologetic look. “I didn’t want to talk about it yet.”
“I get it.” She kicked off her boots and curled her feet up on the couch. “You didn’t mention he’s older than you. Or that he is seriously, seriously hot.”
I laughed nervously. “Too hot.”
“No such thing.”
“Is the age difference that noticeable?” I asked, worried.
“Only that he’s older than you. How? How old is he?”
“Twelve years older.”
“Ach, that’s nothing. That means he knows what he’s doing in bed.”
I grinned. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he does.”
Her smile fell as she studied me carefully. “You have feelings for him?”
“He needs me,” I evaded. “He and Sylvie need me. And you? Are you sure you don’t have feelings for Roddy?”
“I lost Jim. I can’t lose Roddy,” she evaded right back.
Over the next few days I tried to call Roddy to see if he was okay but he was avoiding my calls, which meant he absolutely wasn’t okay. My plan was to drop in at Leith’s Landing on Sunday to see if I could catch him there and assess his situation for myself.
However, before Sunday could be reached, I made my way over to Aidan’s to have dinner with him and Sylvie. I didn’t know how we were going to get through another evening without it ending with us ripping our clothes off but I knew we both wouldn’t want to have sex with Sylvie in the apartment.
He needed to get a bigger place with thick walls and many doors between his and Sylvie’s room.
No one answered the buzzer at the front entrance so I hit a few of his neighbors until someone let me in. Aidan’s apartment door was unlocked so I pushed in tentatively, wondering where they were. I had a bad feeling in my gut I couldn’t explain.