“I’m sorry.”
Mom scoffed, “No, you’re not.”
Not knowing what to say, I stood there, waiting for the explosion.
It didn’t come.
She stood up and made her way over to me. I got my height from my mom, our eyes at the same level.
Our eyes were the same color and shape.
Except hers were cooler, harder, and weary. One of the things I feared most was waking up one morning, looking in the mirror, and seeing my mother’s eyes looking back at me.
“You think I don’t know about the guy in the Mustang?” She rolled her eyes. “Jesus, Nora, I thought you were smarter than that. Instead, you’re running around town with some Irish boy, lying to me about doing overtime.”
“He’s Scottish,” I muttered.
“Who gives a fuck? He’s a man and all he’s going to do is use you, get you pregnant, leave, and saddle us with more responsibility we don’t need.”
“One, I didn’t sleep with him, and two …” I felt panic clawing its way back inside of me, and suddenly, it wasn’t my mom exploding. It was me. “He’s gone! Okay? Gone!”
My mom didn’t even flinch at my uncharacteristic burst of emotion. She studied me carefully, and then quietly replied, “I think that’s probably for the best. Don’t you?”
I laughed, an ugly, hard sound. “This family stopped knowing what was ‘for the best’ a long time ago.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Exhausted, I shrugged. “Nothing. It doesn’t mean a damn thing.”
Eyes narrowing, my mom closed what little space was between us and whispered, “You listen to me and you listen hard … the sooner you stop living in your head and those fucking books of yours, the better. This is life. And it ain’t a bad life. It’s small, it’s simple, and you got to work hard, but there are people out there who have absolutely nothing. We got something. And you walking around acting like you’re better than this, ain’t right.”
Her words were so similar to what Cory had said, I flinched like she’d slapped me.
Remorse cut through the hard in her eyes, and she sighed. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I just don’t want you to be miserable waiting on something to happen that ain’t ever going to happen.
“If we had more money, things would be different.” She patted my shoulder, which was as close to affection as my mom ever got. “We don’t. And we’ve got to live with the blessings we have and be grateful we have any at all.”
Guilt suffused me, and I wondered if I really was a spoiled, ungrateful little brat. I released a breath and nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry I didn’t come home tonight. It won’t happen again.”
She eyed me like she didn’t believe me.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she mumbled. “I’m going to bed.”
But before she slid by me, her eyes darted back to my bed. To under my bed.
My heart jumped in my chest, but I waited until she’d gone before I closed the door and pulled the shoebox out from under the bed. Opening it, I sucked in a breath.
As soon as I turned eighteen, I used what little savings I had to apply for a passport. I didn’t know what made me do it or how I thought I’d ever get the chance to use it. I just knew I had to have it. It was like a little blue book of hope and dreams in my hand, and knowing it was in this shoebox, hidden under my bed, made it easier to get through each day in a life I didn’t want to lead.
Because it symbolized possibility.
I kept the passport at the very bottom of the pile. Hidden. Yet, somehow it had made its way to the top of the pile.
Glancing over at my bedroom door, I realized my mom had snooped and found my stash.
She’d found the passport.
Suddenly, her warnings to be grateful for what I had made sense.
And as much as I wanted to listen to her advice, to take what she said as wisdom, there was a rebellious voice inside of me telling me my mom should want me to dream bigger than she did. That it was wrong of her not to.
At war with myself, I changed into my pajamas and got into bed, mind whirring as the events of the day played over and over in my head.
My last thought before I drifted to sleep was of Jim and how much I envied him his freedom.
* * *
“Dad, Mom wants me to pay some bills. Will you be okay if I go out for a little bit?”
“I’m not an invalid,” he huffed, watching the TV. “Oh, wait. I am.”
I sighed. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
“You can take that as I’m watching the game and I can’t hear it over your yammering.” His voice rose toward the end of the sentence.
Not deigning to respond, I grabbed my purse and gladly escaped the house. Walking down West Washington I saw our neighbor, Dawn, putting her daughter, Jane, into her car seat. I waved.
“Oh, hey, Nora,” she called, smiling at me. “We’re heading out to the mall. Need a ride anywhere?”
“No, I’m going to May’s to use her computer.” May’s Coffeehouse was also an internet café and you could pay to use a computer there. We had a computer but it stopped working six months ago and we hadn’t gotten around to getting it fixed. And we couldn’t afford a new one. We had Wi-Fi, but my cell phone was this cheap, outdated thing and it was frustrating trying to pay online bills with it. It was easier to go to May’s. Plus, it got me out of the house.
“Oh, sweetie, you can use ours,” Dawn said. “We’ll run back into the house with you real quick. We’re in no rush.”
Dawn Reese and her husband Paul were two of the nicest people I’d ever met. They were the kind of neighbors that would do just about anything for anybody, including putting up with my pain-in-the-ass family. I smiled gratefully. “That’s so kind of you, Dawn, but I …” How did I explain I wanted out of the house and away from my father?
Dawn got a knowing look in her eyes. “You know what? May has faster Wi-Fi anyway.”
Giving her another appreciative smile, I nodded. “Have a nice day at the mall.”
We waved, and I walked on.
My thoughts drifted to Jim and Roddy, wondering where they were. I knew from our conversations that they flew back to Scotland in a week’s time. A sharp ache cut across my chest and I rubbed it absentmindedly. When he was here, Jim’s openness and his feelings for me had been intimidating. But over the last three weeks, I’d longed so much to see his face that I started to wonder if maybe I’d fallen in love with him.
I missed his smile.
And I missed the way he looked at me.
Like I mattered.
Like I really, really mattered.
I missed his kisses.
And despite how uncertain I’d been at the time, I now found myself regretting not having slept with him. Jim cared about me. My first time should’ve been with someone who cared about me like Jim did.
I was such an idiot.
Regret tasted bitter on my tongue and tears burned my eyes.
Strangely, I found myself missing Roddy as well. He was quite belligerent for such a young person, but he was funny too. Plus, I wouldn’t soon forget him swatting Cory like he was a bug on a windshield. That made my whole summer.
“Are ye seriously just going to walk by me?”
I froze.
Turned to my right.
And stared. Stunned.
The Mustang was parked in the parking lot where I worked. Roddy was standing by the driver’s side door, wearing sunglasses so I couldn’t read his expression. And Jim was braced against the hood, his hands on his hips, grinning at me.
I’d been so caught up in my thoughts, I’d walked right by them.
Joy rushed through me, lifting the heavy weight that had settled over me since they’d left.
“What?” I smiled in amazement. “What are you doing here?”
Jim’s answer was to jog toward me, laughing, and when he reached me, he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me right off my feet
.
I gasped in surprised, locking my arms around his neck to hold on. Jim crushed me to him, kissing me as my feet swayed off the ground. He groaned and squeezed me so tight it hurt. “Jim,” I gasped.
He eased his hold, wonder and gravity whirling around his dark eyes. “I came back for ye.”
My fingers bit into his shoulders in shock at the pronouncement. What did that mean?
Reading the question in my eyes, he lowered me to my feet but didn’t let go. He bent his head toward mine, his words almost a whisper they were so gruff with emotion. “I’ve missed ye so much. Like, it’s not a normal amount of missing considering how long we’ve known each other. But I feel like I’ve known ye my whole life, Nora. And yet I feel like I don’t know ye at all … and all I want in this life is tae know everything about ye. I want tae be the person who knows ye better than anybody. The thought of some other guy getting that chance physically hurts. And I know ye might think I’ve lost my mind but when Roddy and I were in Vegas, all I kept thinking was if I could get Nora here, I’d marry her in a heartbeat and take her home with me.”
Shocked to my core, I could only stare at him as a thousand thoughts flew around in my head.
Of course, there was a huge part of me that thought he was nuts!
But there was also a part that believed he was utterly sincere.
“I love ye.” He gave me a nervous smile. “I’ve fallen in love with ye. Ye’er not like any girl I’ve ever met. Ye seem older than eighteen, ye’er kind, funny—I can never work out what ye’er thinking, which drives me crazy in the best way, and ye care about people. And it doesn’t hurt ye’er the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.”
His lovely words got caught in the jumble in my head.
The thing that kept pushing itself front and center was the memory of Jim telling me I deserved more from life. He was a guy not only offering to love me, truly love me, but he was offering me more out of life.
He was offering me an escape.
I can’t explain how much the thought of that gripped me. It was like this monster that had been hiding inside of me for a long time and suddenly, someone opened its prison. It was selfish and self-absorbed and hungry. And it was single-minded.
“Are … are you asking me to marry you and move to Scotland?”
Jim nodded, looking pained. “Ye think I’m insane, don’t ye?”
“Yes. Absolutely. I do.”
His grip on me loosened, his gaze lowering “I understand.”
“But …” There was a part of me that wanted to say yes, which was just as insane.
Jim’s eyes flew back to mine, hopeful incredulity alight in them. “What?”
Even though I felt like I might throw up, I also felt a rush of adrenaline. I hadn’t felt that in a long time. It made me feel alive. Really alive. “Can you give me today to think about it?”
“Today?” He nodded quickly. “I can do a day.”
“Okay.” My whole body trembled. “Okay.” I couldn’t believe I was even considering it. “Come back tonight, midnight. Park up the street from my house. I’ll give you my answer then.”
Jim let out a shaky exhale. “I can’t believe ye’er even considering it. Roddy told me I was insane, but I… no matter what, I couldnae go back home without telling ye that I loved ye.”
Fear and hope were strange bedfellows—I felt lightheaded. I swayed a little, and Jim reached out to catch me. “Ye all right?”
“It’s just a lot.” I laughed and it sounded a little hysterical. “Um … okay … I’m going to go think. Tonight?”
“Tonight.” He nodded.
And then he kissed me soft, sweetly, and murmured, “I’d do anything for ye, Nora. Protect ye, love ye, give ye anything. I promise.”
Somehow, I paid the bills Mom wanted paid but I barely remember going through the motions. I barely remember speaking to May or saying hello to people I’d known my whole life.
And I barely remembered getting on the bus or sitting on it for fifty minutes. But there I was, standing outside the entrance to the Donovan County Cemetery. The only way I knew how to describe what I was feeling—it was like someone had picked me up and shook me around so hard, my insides were all jangling.
Palms slick, I curled them into fists and pushed myself to stride through the entrance. I hadn’t visited in a year. Ever since I knew for definite that I was going to be stuck in Donovan.
After a five-minute walk, I found her.
In loving memory of
Melanie Dewitte
1993 - 2005
A beloved daughter, sister, and friend
Forever in our hearts.
Like always, tears stung my eyes and nose. Glad there was no one else around in this part of the cemetery I walked over to her grave and sat down beside the black headstone.
“Hey, Mel …” My voice was watery, croaky. “I’m sorry I haven’t visited in a while.”
There was silence, and then a gentle gust of wind blew a decapitated rose across Mel’s grave. I laughed. Roses were my favorite flowers. Mel knew that. “I’ll take that as an angry hello. And I deserve it. I’m sorry.” I smoothed a hand down her headstone and laid my cheek against it, letting my tears fall. With Melanie, I could be honest about my feelings. “I just didn’t want to disappoint you. You should see the way Stacey looks at me. God, your sister thinks I’m a loser. And I feel like a loser. I know, I know, you don’t think I am. But I’ve let you down, Mel. I promised you I’d get out of here, that I’d find a stage somewhere and have this amazing life. Not just for me but for you. I promised you I’d make it extraordinary, that I’d do it for both of us.” I shuddered trying to control myself. “It was all taken from you. Everything. But I’m still here … and I’m working in a goddamn fast-food restaurant, taking abuse from my dad.”
That gentle wind tickled through my hair comfortingly, and as with the rose, I liked to think it really was my best friend. I closed my eyes, wishing I could hear her voice, but somehow over the years, her voice had disappeared from my memory. I could still see her face, picture her laughing, but as hard as I tried, and God, I tried, I couldn’t hear her anymore.
“I miss you,” I whispered. “I miss someone knowing me. Really knowing me. Better than they know themselves. I don’t have that anymore, Mel … And I know it’s selfish to sit here and say that to you, but like always, you’re the only one I can talk to.” I swiped at my cheeks and sniffled. After a moment of silence, I confessed, “I met someone. A boy. He’s from Scotland.” I grinned, knowing how much Melanie would have loved that. “I think he might be a little crazy because he says he loves me and he’s only known me a few weeks. In fact, he doesn’t even really know me.” I frowned, searching for my feelings. “I missed him so much while he was gone that I think I must love him. But it’s a gamble, right? A huge risk. He wants me to marry him.” I laughed. “I know, I know, you’d tell me I was crazy. You think I’m nuts for even thinking about getting married at eighteen. We always said we’d never be that kind of girl, that we’d make our dreams come true first before we thought about falling in love.
“But he wants me to go to Scotland with him. Scotland. I’ve never been farther than Indianapolis.”
For a while, I sat in silence, digging for the courage to say to her what I could never say out loud to anyone else. “If I stay here, I don’t get that amazing life I promised you I would have for the both of us. If I do the crazy thing and marry a guy I don’t even really know, I at least get the chance to get out of here. To find what we always wanted. But that means risking so much. Giving up my family—and as crappy as they can be, they’re still my family, and they need me. And it’s a risk. If Jim is who I think he is, that’s great because I love having him in my life. But what if he’s not? What if he turns out to be something completely different, something worse than what I already have?
“I’m like the most selfish person ever for even considering this, right?”
I closed my eye
s and trailed my hand down the side of her headstone. “But if I say no … I’m afraid of who I’ll become here, Mel. I feel like I’m drowning. And nobody cares. Nobody but Jim. And I love him for it. Surely that counts for something? Surely that counts for everything?”
A gust of wind abruptly blew over me, and the jangling in my body stopped momentarily.
“Yeah.” I gave a wobbly smile. “That’s what I thought you’d say.”
“Dad, time for bed.”
Like always, my dad had nodded off in front of the TV, and my voice startled him awake. He frowned at me but nodded, and like always, I walked behind his wheelchair as we made our way into my parents’ bedroom.
Mom hadn’t come home from her shift at the diner. She’d called me to tell me she was working overtime at Al’s. I’d cried when I got off the phone with her because as much as we weren’t close, I’d wanted to see her one last time. I’d have to make do with writing her a letter. It was an explanation. It was an apology. And it was an appeal for forgiveness.
Dad helped me get him into bed, and he shifted on his side, giving me his back.
“Dad.”
He grunted.
“Dad.”
“What?” he huffed.
Before I could stop them, tears welled inside of me and spilled down my cheeks. I struggled to speak, to say the words without him hearing the tears in them. I licked at the salt on my lips and exhaled. “You know I love you, right?”
In the dim glow of the hallway light, I saw him tense.
And then he relaxed ever so slowly. He didn’t turn to me. He stared at the wall. And then in a tone that broke my heart, one filled with regret and grief, he whispered, “I love you too, baby girl.”
My body shook with the effort not to sob, and I fled the room without saying goodnight. Goodbye.
I grabbed my jacket off the hook in the hall, slipped on my shoes, and checked my backpack again to make sure I had everything I needed. After visiting Mel, I’d come back to Donovan and emptied out my savings and bank account. I left most of it in the envelope with the letter to my mom and dad and placed it on my pillow.