But it felt like a big deal to me. It felt like a huge deal. “Well, I don’t like that,” I growled.
His smile faded. “Why not?” he asked, actually appearing hurt by my claim. “It’s all to your benefit, I promise you.”
“But it’s not fair to you.”
He frowned and shook his head as if he didn’t understand what I was saying, when I thought I was being rather blunt and to the point.
“I know what it feels like to be stuck in a life you didn’t choose,” I said. “So why would I wish that on anyone else? You should get to decide who you love, not some tattoo on the side of your head. And besides, Allera told me you suffered, that the unrequited part of the bond you feel toward me… That it hurts you.”
Anger creased his features. “She shouldn’t have told you that.”
“But she did.” I stepped closer to him. “And I don’t like the idea that you… That I cause you pain, that I cause anyone pain. Especially after you just stood there and pretty much pledged your life to me, after…after you saved me from death and they beat you for it. You shouldn’t have been treated like that. Certainly there’s something that can be done to break the bond, or…or, I don’t know, sever these feelings you feel. Because you can’t just suffer for the rest of your life because of me. I don’t accept that.”
He looked pleased by my tirade. A small smile tipped his lips as he slid his head to the side, studying me. “There’s only one way I can think to ease the suffering.”
“Well?” I demanded, flinging out a hand and urging him to keep talking. “What is it, then?”
“If you were willing to forsake your husband and be with me.” When I gasped in outrage, he smiled sadly. “But I’ll take that as a no.”
My eyes flared open wide. “I… I… Of course it’s a no! Why in God’s name would I do that? I don’t know you. Besides, even if I did and I wanted to, you know, forsake my husband, I made a vow. We have a child together. My duty to my country, my family, Soren… I can’t just—”
“I know,” Urban said softly, closing his eyes and bowing his head. “I know. And that is why I’ve stayed away. I respect your binding sense of honor and loyalty, and I would never try to tempt you away from the vows you hold dear.”
I gaped at him, not sure if I could believe what I was truly hearing. No one had been so thoughtful or selflessly respectful of my wishes before. It made me regret… Well, most things about my life. My husband for one, who never seemed to care what I thought or how I felt. Yet this complete stranger—
Not that his respect toward me made any difference about anything. Which only made the regretful ache burn hotter.
A tear trickled down my cheek. “And so you should just keep hurting because of my wishes? That doesn’t seem right either.”
“That’s my cross to bear, my lady. Not yours. Stop worrying about me.”
“Easier said than done,” I muttered, throwing up my hands in disgust. “You say you want my happiness, but how can I possibly be happy, knowing I cause someone—anyone—pain every day I exist?”
Shaking his head as if our problem was easily solved, he said, “Then spend time with me.”
I could only blink at him, stumbling over my own thoughts before I lurched a step back, stuttering, “I just told you, I refuse to leave my—”
“Not like that,” he said, shaking his head. “Though I certainly wouldn’t refuse it if you ever changed your mind and left him.”
Curious, I asked, “Like what, then?”
He stepped closer, his eyes seeking. When his gaze landed on the butterfly barrette in my hair, his lips smoothed in a smile. “You wore your hair down today.”
“I…” I blinked, remembering my dream and how he’d told me he’d never seen my hair down before. Gulping, I shook my head in denial, refusing to admit I had subconsciously left my hair down today…for him.
“The thing is,” he started, shifted his gaze from my hair to my eyes. “I crave you. In every way possible.”
My mouth fell open as he quoted the very words he’d said to me in the dream. Blinking, I stared at him as he seemed to shift closer without moving a single step.
Belly heating and breasts tingling, I sucked in a breath. “Ex-excuse me?”
There was no way he knew what I’d dreamed about.
Was there?
Desire swirled in his gaze as he scanned me from head to toe. “Every. Way,” he whispered.
Oh dear God. I suddenly felt naked and exposed before him. There was plenty of air between us, and yet it felt like there was none. His stare alone was the most physical, personal caress I’d ever experienced.
It had to be wrong. Forbidden. I jumped, frightened by the force of my own temptation.
“I…I shouldn’t be alone here with you. I should go.” I turned robotically and started to move away, only for his arm to appear in front of me as he set his hand against the wall, once again echoing the dream as he trapped me with his body without actually touching me.
The heat coming off him was fierce. And his smell… Oh Lord, I closed my eyes as I drew in the dizzying, heavenly aroma he emanated. He smelled just as he had in the dream.
“I crave you in every way possible,” he repeated in my ear, making me shiver, “but I know some ways will never happen. Some ways I want you are too forbidden to even name. But those ways could be appeased if I had you in other ways, platonic ways… Ways even your husband would deem appropriate.”
Okay, now that had most certainly not happened in my dream.
A little disappointed he hadn’t commenced with ravishing me against the wall, I opened my lashes and looked up into his eyes. They were a bright, piercing blue.
Shaking my head, I begged him with my eyes to stop this madness I was experiencing. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Friendship,” he said. “Taking tea together. Talking after dinner. Walks in the garden.” With a shrug, he glanced down. “In full view of everyone. Hell, bring your babe along as a chaperone. Or Allera, Nicolette, your husband, I don’t care, anyone you choose. We don’t have to do anything tawdry or illicit, no matter how fun that sounds. We don’t even have to touch or be within ten feet of each other. Just being around you…” His eyes glittered with intensity as he dropped his arm from the wall and stepped back, giving me more space than I honestly wanted. “Getting to know you would be a balm to me, a bandage to help me deal with other, unattainable things I desire. Plus, you’d get to appease your curiosity as well, and learn more about me in return. A win for both of us.”
I looked into his eyes and soaked in the pleading he conveyed to me even as I slowly shook my head in denial. “Soren would never go for that. Not even something as innocuous as you’re suggesting.”
His teeth clenched and eyes turned hard. “Then fuck Soren.”
I jumped at the anger he exuded and quickly backed away from him, even though I didn’t disagree with his sentiment. Fuck Soren, indeed.
But regret filled his gaze. “Vienne,” he whispered, reaching out, only to drop his hand a second later and shake his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disrespect your husband. Please accept my apologies. I shouldn’t have said that. Hell, I shouldn’t have suggested any of this. It’s not your responsibility to ease my suffering. I refuse to put that on you.”
Shaking my head, because there wasn’t anything to forgive—he’d done nothing wrong—I clenched my teeth and hissed, “Don’t apologize to me. If the mark is truly the thing that chose me for you, then this is no more your fault than it is mine.”
Torment entered his gaze as he watched me. “But I don’t know what else to say.”
“Oh, Urban.” Agony roared through me. Worried I could only ever hurt this man, I reached up to cup his cheek in my hand, only wishing to apologize without words, because no words could fix what I did to him. But then I realized touching him could only make the situation worse, so I dropped my hand before making contact.
Shuddering out a breath, he
closed his eyes and bowed his head with a defeated kind of loss.
I’ll find a way, I wanted to promise. I would find a way to make this right. For everyone. But for the life of me, I had no idea how.
“It doesn’t matter,” he started in a rusted voice. “If I never find out your favorite color, or your biggest fear, if I learn no more about you than I know now. It doesn’t matter who you lay your head next to each night or who you call husband. I will continue to hold you in the highest regard. You always have a safe place with me. Because…” His eyes came open. “Until my dying breath, I belong to you.”
I shook my head, rattled by his words, flattered as much as I was intimidated. I wasn’t sure I wanted so much power over anyone. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because. I wanted you to know, in case my actions here have chased you away for good and you decided to never talk to me again.”
“I’ll talk to you again,” I swore, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t give him false hope. But he said it would help, so I would.
Urban only smiled as if he knew better. “And it’s okay,” he murmured, “if you don’t.”
Before I knew it, he was whirling away and taking off down the hall, leaving me.
“No.” I shook my head even harder, unable to accept that our conversation was going to end this way. “Urban.” He didn’t hear me, so I lifted my voice. “Urban, stop.”
He fell to an immediate halt which made my heart crack. He really would do anything for me, wouldn’t he? Even stop when he wanted to leave.
“Turn around,” I said.
He turned.
“I will talk to you again,” I said with force. “If it helps you, I will.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“And I…I never got the chance to thank you in person. For saving my life.”
He bowed, low. “It was my honor, my lady.”
“I also want to apologize for the way you were treated after. I’m sure I haven’t heard all the details, but I know it must’ve been bad.”
“My lady, don’t. It wasn’t…” But he stopped himself from continuing, glancing away as if he wanted to say he’d never been hurt but couldn’t lie.
“Please, no.” I shook my head. “You don’t have to try to convince me you weren’t treated horribly. I know you were. And there’s no need for all that my lady business. I’m just Vienne.”
Huffing out an amused sound, he smiled reluctantly. “I don’t think you could ever be just Vienne to me.”
My hands turned ice cold and began to shake. I clasped them together at my waist and looked at my feet. “I should go check on my baby.”
He said nothing, so I began to turn away, only to stop and swing back.
“Look, I can’t pretend to understand what you’re going through or how you can feel, well, whatever it is you feel. But I believe that you really do feel it and you’re unable to stop. So I swear to help you find a way to resolve this so you can finally be free of it. Of me.”
Curiosity entered his gaze. Stepping toward me, he tipped his head and eyed me as if I were a mystery. Then he said, “And what if I don’t wish to be free of you?”
What?
I blinked once and then blurted out an incredulous laugh. “Why in heaven’s name would you want to torture yourself by fixating on someone you don’t even know and could never have? Someone you didn’t even choose yourself.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know yet.” I opened my mouth to drive home my point, but he continued, “But someday I will know, and on that day when it all becomes clear to me why you’re the one, then I’ll be glad I never wished to be free of you.”
I could only scowl at him, unable to believe he didn’t want to escape this, even as my heart pounded with delight. “Then you’re crazy,” I said, spinning away. “Good night, sir.”
As I stalked away, I heard the amusement in his voice as he replied, “Good night, my lady. Sleep well.”
Chapter 22
Vienne
But I didn’t sleep well that night. And it was all a certain irritating prince’s fault.
Why had he needed to be so nice and understanding? And why had he wanted to stay bound to me? Honestly. His behavior had helped absolutely nothing.
He should’ve felt betrayed because I’d asked his sister to have him keep his distance after he’d saved my life. He should’ve been hurt that I hadn’t thanked him in person before tonight for all he’d done. He should’ve been livid that my entire family had treated him like dirt and then beaten him for his actions. He should’ve wanted freedom from me.
Yet his first thought was that I not be scared of him, and his last words were meant to reassure me that no matter how awful I treated him, he’d continue to be faithful and devoted.
What man did that?
It’d done nothing but make me like him and start to feel all soft and tender toward him, which caused the entire situation to grow even more complicated.
Because as soon as I checked on Anniston and then lay down myself, visions of our conversation in the hall kept haunting me. And then when I finally did fall into a deep slumber, he took over my dreams.
This time, I was sitting alone at the wedding reception after the maid had taken Anniston away, and he suddenly appeared before me.
Without saying a word, he held out a hand as my favorite song began to play.
I blinked at him before asking, “How did you know?”
He merely smiled. “That this was your favorite song? The mark told me.”
Reaching forward even more, he took my fingers and drew me from my seat. Then he led me out onto the dance floor where everyone paused to watch us together. Yasmin stopped chatting with her ladies in waiting, and Soren turned from his discussion with the council members. Neither of them seemed upset to find me in the arms of the man they both had warned me away from. They simply watched as Prince Urban swung me around, capturing all my attention.
He was an agile, graceful dancer. When he dipped me into a low swoon, grinning all the while, I merely shook my head and laughed. We didn’t speak, there didn’t seem to be a need for words, and as the song drew to a close, his eyes fixated with intent upon my lips. Feeling the need for a kiss, I rose up to meet him just as he leaned in.
But of course Anniston’s cry woke me before our lips touched.
I grumbled as I crawled out of bed to get to her, except I’m not sure if I was upset because I’d had another one of those disturbing dreams about him or because my child had woken me before the best part of it.
It didn’t matter. I’d figure out a way to stop the dreams, because they were pure ridiculousness. Just as I’d figure out how to sever Prince Urban’s bond to me.
“The marks don’t even tell a person what their one true love’s favorites are, anyway,” I muttered aloud. The prince had told me as much last night. So, yeah… The dream had been pure ridiculousness.
I continued to hum the tune of the song under my breath, however.
What? It was a good song.
Since my bed rest was finally over, I took Anniston for a walk from the room as soon as I fed and changed her. We both needed some new scenery. Besides, it was the perfect time to meet the rising sun, and it’d been too long since I’d been to the East Salon.
“You’re in for a treat, darling,” I promised her as we neared the door to the room. “I’m about to show you the best view in the entire kingdom.”
The child didn’t answer. Yawning, she snuggled her cheek against my chest as if still hungry. I laughed. She was going to be a hard one to impress, I feared.
I swung through the doorway, still smiling, but then slowed to a stop when I realized the room was already occupied.
“O-oh,” I stuttered, already backing toward the exit. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ll go.”
But Allera was already rising to her feet. “No,” she insisted. “This is your home. I can go.”
She looked worried about ups
etting me. With a sigh, I stopped and simply stared at her before reminding her, “It’s your home now, too.”
“Yes, but, you’re—”
“Ranked lower than you now, I believe,” I finished for her with a small smile. “Since your husband is next in line to the throne and mine is after him.”
Her sigh was sad. “So we can’t just share the room?”
After drawing in a breath, I nodded. “Actually, I’d quite enjoy that.”
“Truly?” Allera perked to the attention. “You would?”
I nodded and started toward the empty seat next to her. “I miss talking to you.”
Her relief was palpable. “I do too. Oh, Vienne, I feel terrible for any deception—”
Lifting a hand, I shook my head. “It’s all in the past. I understand why you did what you did. And no one else was harmed. They probably would’ve exiled him if they’d learned about it sooner, which would not have turned out well for me, I fear, since I probably would’ve remained dead after childbirth if he hadn’t been around to resurrect me. So I must conclude that your silence at the beginning did nothing but save my life.”
“I still wish I hadn’t hurt you,” she said softly as I sat, only for her to learn forward. “Say, is that the baby you’re carrying?”
“It is!” With a smile, I held her up. “Do you want to snuggle with her?”
“Of course.” She immediately reached out, so I placed Anniston in her arms. “Aww. She’s still as cute as ever. Hello, precious little girl. Aren’t you just a gem?”
I smiled as I watched the two together. Then I had the presence of mind to say, “So… You’re Lady Donnelly now. How does it feel? The wedding was lovely, by the way.”
Allera looked up, her face brightening with either excited embarrassment or dreadful embarrassment, I wasn’t sure which. “Thank you. It was beautiful, wasn’t it?” she murmured, before laughing and glancing away as if self-conscious, which made me think her blush came from the good kind of embarrassment. “And it feels wonderful, which is strange. I’m much happier than I thought I’d be. Brentley’s just so…” She shook her head as if at a loss for words.