"Ok Sarge," said the officer who led the D'ark Goblin into the admissions room of the station. "I thought you were called the Black Goblin? After all that's what this story is called."
"I changed my name to cut a deal with the Dark Lord."
"That sounds wrong somehow. Before we start have you taken any super powered potions in the last 24 hours?"
"Yes."
"Which ones?"
"Flight and super speed."
"You'll have to take a neutraliser potion then, before we can lock you up." The policeman gave DG a neutralising potion.
DG drank the potion and waited a few seconds. He came to his senses. "What am I doing here?" he asked.
"You're under arrest."
"What for?"
"Handing out stolen money I think."
"How did you catch me?"
"Light Man brought you in."
"I wouldn't hand out stolen money. Not for all the tea in China."
"Are you saying you've been wrongfully arrested?"
"Has all the tea in China been accounted for?"
"Yes."
"Yes then." D'ark Goblin tried to make a dash for it but was too weak and slow to get away. "I feel as slow as a slug on a sloth."
"Can you empty you pockets please Mr. Ginster?"
? "I've got my rights you know."
? "You may have, but at the minute you are under arrest and in my charge and need to empty your pockets."
? D'ark Goblin started to empty his pockets. There was a bag of marbles, a batarang, a piece of green cheese, a can of CS spray, a spare domino mask, some mouth freshener (for the lady goblins), a camera phone, lots of money in $100 bills and jelly babies in case he went time travelling in a blue police box.
? "Why have you got your marbles in a bag?"
? "So I don't lose them."
? "Have you been accused of losing your marbles before?"
? "When I was bullied as a kid."
? "Are you trying to say you were psychologically affected as a kid because of bullying and that is why you are a criminal now?"
? "I wasn't but I will do if it's a good defence."
?"Why do you have CS spray?"
? "To defend myself against criminals."
? "Why do you need that? You are in the Evil League. Surely it is not them you are afraid of?"
? "No, it's muggers. If I lose my super powers in an unsavoury place then I can get beaten up and robbed, so I take a can of pepper spray with me."
"I thought you were good at martial arts?"
"When you lose your powers you feel weak and wobbly. As evidenced by my performance just now."
? The officer put the D'ark Goblin's items into an envelope.
? "Those jelly babies will go off if I'm in here too long," said the Goblin, "Can I eat them now?"
? "Oh go on then, seeing as there's only two of them. How do you eat them?"
"What do you mean?"
"Heads first or feet first?"
"I swallow them whole like this," he said as he gulped them both down. "Why do you ask?"
? "Heads are for extroverts, tails are for introverts."
? "What's the whole thing mean?"
? "You're a monster?"
? "With super powers," said the D'ark goblin as grabbed his personal items, barged the policeman out of the way and broke through the door.
? "How did you get your powers back?" asked the confused officer.
"The Jelly Babies were hardened super power potions, specially mixed by the Mixer." The Goblin ran through the door and flew back to the embassy.
"That was a bit of bad luck," said the sergeant to the officer.
"A bit of a mix up by the mixer made that trickster mix me up."
The Emperor called the Black Goblin to his private office. "Now then Goblin, what's all this I hear about you being captured by Light Man and escaping from the police?"
"It is as you say."
"I know you are on my personal staff and have diplomatic immunity but this sort of behaviour only serves to stir up greater criticism of me and my country."
"Sorry Sir, it was that darned goodness potion. You can't lie or steal or be violent or swear; it's worse than being a Christian. At least if you're a Sunday Christian you can lie and steal, swear and be violent for the other 6 days of the week."
"I am running a business here Goblin and I need you to make me money. You will not make me money if you are incarcerated will you."
"No Sir, it won't happen again, unless I have a conversion experience."
"Yes, well make sure you don't. I thought I had you tested for that before you joined the Evil League?"
"Yes you did."
"As I remember you got the lowest score possible for spirituality. How do you explain that?"
"I cheated."
As the Goblin exited the office Lord D'ark was waiting for him, "Goody two shoes potion worn off early has it?"
"The cops made me take a neutralising potion while I was under the influence of goodness."
"You're lucky you had your jelly baby potions with you."
"How do you know about them? They're supposed to be secret."
"It just came on over the news, they interviewed the policeman, quite confused he was. Are we going to do a job together or are you just going to mess around all the time?"
"I mustn't get caught again or I'll make the emperor angry. I don't like him when he's angry."
"Nobody likes him when he's angry. That's why his mother had to let him play with a small South American country when he was a boy."
"South Vespuccian, you're in a different dimension."
"Let's do an easy caper together then."
"What do you suggest?"
"We could raid the mobile phone factory."
"I don't need a mobile phone, besides we'd have to steal millions of the things to get a big enough return."
"No, I mean the mobile phone recycling factory. They get scrap gold from the old phones and store it on site. There could be up to a 500K in gold there."
"Come to the phone recycling factory," said D'ark Goblin in a sarcastic advertising voice whilst twiddling his fingers, "to get Phone Gold 4U."
"Oh very good DG, almost as good as the real advert, pity you didn't get the finger twiddling right, you looked as though you were doing a puppet theatre and you'd forgotten the puppet."
"Don't we need to plan it properly?" asked the Goblin.
"Why do we want to do a stupid thing like planning?"
"So we don't get caught."
"Paff, as if we will get caught."
"I don't want to get told off by the Emperor for being arrested again. I think we need to plan it. In fact I won't do it unless we plan it."
"We haven't got time to plan it, it's nearly the end of the story."
"Let's go to Planning Man."
"Is he on the Council?"
"No but he can plan a knees up with one elastic band and a fruit corner."
"He must be good then, I'd be pushed to organise a party with a keg of ale and a McDonalds menu."
They both flew up to the Planner's room. The Goblin knocked.
"Come in," was the reply.
They both entered to a vista of maps pinned to the Walls and stacks of unusual books.
"What do you two want?" he asked, "I am trying to plan my lunch."
"Sorry," burbled the Goblin, "we wanted a quick plan."
"Stop snivelling Goblin," said Lord D'ark. He then spoke to the Planner, "We want to do a quick job on the mobile phone recycling factory and Sniveller here said we should ask you about a plan."
"In through the office roof. Blow the safe with C4 or lift the safe out, exit. Now let me get on with planning my lunch."
DL and DG exited. As he left DG mumbled a, "Thanks."
"I could have come up with that plan," moaned Lord D'ark.
br /> "That was off the top of his head."
"He's off the top of his head if you ask me," said D'ark as they both flew towards the mobile phone recycling factory.
"What happens if they see us on CCTV cameras?" asked the Goblin.
"We're both dressed in black with face masks on and wearing sunglasses, they won't recognise us."
"But our costumes are very distinctive, mine has pointy goblin ears."
"Don't smile, make your ears pointier and make out you're the Black Elf. You didn't use to worry like this. Just calm down," soothed the D'ark Lord as he crashed through the reinforced concrete roof of the office. "The door was jammed, I had to make another one," he said to the stunned manager who was covered in dust and debris.
"Can you still manage?" asked the D'ark Goblin of the manager before he knocked his lights out."
"Have you got the C4?"
"No, have you?"
"No. We'll have to carry the safe."
"We can lift it with our super strength but we might not be able to fly with it."
They both lifted the safe easily but when they tried to fly away they could only manage a hover.
"Wonderful," moaned D'ark, "we'll have to hover out of here."
"Hang on a minute. I could throw the safe up to you on the bit of the roof that hasn't collapsed. You could catch it then we could hover across the rooves."
"That's a bit of an archaic spelling for multiples of roof isn't it?" said D'ark as he hopped onto the roof.
The D'ark Goblin threw the safe to the D'ark Lord who managed to catch it without the rest of the roof collapsing. He then joined his partner and each grabbing a side of the safe they hovered and bumped across the rooves of the factory.
The Goblin seemed to be having trouble even with hovering.
"Stop goofing on the roofing," said D'ark, then when he looked down he noticed something, "you've left grooves on the rooves."
"Oh I understand why we didn't use roofs now, the Author wanted to rhyme rooves with grooves."
Lord D'ark and the D'ark Goblin both leapt from the roof and bounced towards a wooded area. Once they got there Lord D'ark looked behind them, "It wouldn't take a genius to figure out where we'd gone."
? "We may have scuffled from the woods and over the roofs to crash into the office"
"Well done Sherlock what deductive reasoning, you should try for a job at CSI Miami, they need a janitor. Now let's rip the door off the safe." He grabbed the handle and pulled with all his might but all he did was rip the handle off.
? "Well done Break-lock. At least I wouldn't have pulled the handle off and broken the lock."
"We'll both have to punch it either side at the same time, ready?"
? They both got to either side. Lord D'ark counted, "1, 2, 3." They both punched the door. The safe exploded like a tin of beans being crushed in a landslide victory of the Democratic Party.
When they looked inside there was a gold bar the same size as a mobile phone.
? "Wonderful," griped the D'ark Lord, "we do a job that could be worth 500K and come away with a gold bar worth about 10K."
As they were looking at the gold bar the Junior Lawful League turned up.
"Be prepared to spit teeth," said Cybot.
"Wonderful," said Lord D'ark, "now kids want to beat me to a pulp. I should have stayed at home today and watched 'Terminator 3', it would have been less violent."
Cybot, Captain Holiness, Retro Boy and the Atomic Pimple faced Lord D'ark and the D'ark Goblin. Invisiral? may have been there but you couldn't tell because she turns invisible.
? "Take that Prince of Darkness," said Cybot as he punched at Lord D'ark.
? D'ark dodged the punch, "I am not Dracula Cyburp but Lord D'ark. Get the name right junk heap."
? The Atomic Pimple pressed his pimple and aimed the torrent in the direction of the Goblin. The D'ark Goblin managed to duck and the sticky goo hit a tree.
? "Eugh!" exclaimed the Goblin, "You need something for that acne. Have you tried cutting your head off?"
Retro Boy did a quick sequence of flashy Kung Fu moves.
"Been watching 'Enter the Dragon' have we?" said the D'ark Goblin as he did a roundhouse kick on Retro boy.
Retro took the kick full force which sent him back against the sticky tree, "I'm stuck in the sticky tree," he cried.
Cybot grabbed Lord D'ark's arms and tried to hold them. Lord D'ark lifted his arms slowly. "Your cyber strength is no match for my potioned super strength." He easily broke Cybot's hold and pushed him back.
Captain Holiness flew down on Fullness his flaming horse. The horse stamped on D'ark and sent him back against the sticky tree, "I'm stuck in the sticky tree as well," he groaned.
The Goblin, seeing things were not going his way ate another Jelly Baby and disappeared.
"He's turned invisible," said the Atomic Pimple, "can Invisiral? see him? She's invisible."
"I haven't seen her all day," said Retro boy, "I think she's poorly, so her invisibility isn't working properly and so she's stayed at home."
Lord D'ark screamed at the D'ark Goblin, "If you run out on me now Goblin the partnership is over. Do you hear me? Over. And you can't call yourself D'ark Goblin any more. Do you hear me?"
The Black Goblin slipped out of the woods and flew back to the embassy. At least he would be in time for the nine o' clock film and any leftover afters.
Following is a sample of the first seven chapters of The Crying Pennant.
The Crying Pennant
Prologue
The computer hummed its high pitched hum. It was bright and early and the sun flickered bright then dim through the kitchen door window. The author had just put some toast into the toaster and was thinking of what he could type. He sat down and looked at the screen, the familiar blue stripes of the windows package glowed and the cursor blinked at him.
Blank.
What could he write?
He began, "The plaited see-saw rocked to and fro in the wind. A seagull screed and the door to a chalet banged like a drum on its hinge. The small boy stepped inside and closed the door. After covering himself with a blanket he began to read."
Looking at the screen the author wondered what to write next, he felt his chin then went to margarine his toast. Still nothing, just a little boy reading a book. He munched and drank and waited.
Suddenly, two characters appeared and began to argue, a blonde bearded man at arms dressed in patchy leather armour, a lion's head blazoned on his shield and a battle chieftain in studded leather armour with a surcoat of red also with a lion embroidered upon it.
CHAPTER ONE
"Biggs, why have you come to this gloomy and dismal place, it is rumoured to be the haunt of dark and dire monsters," Arthur quipped.
"Stop quipping Arthur, you're getting on my nerves," muttered Biggs.
"Well if you stopped muttering maybe I wouldn't have to quip!" quipped Arthur again as he sidled up to Biggs.
"That's it, I can't stand it when you sidle. Look at that you've sidled right up to my side. You side sidler you," Biggs retorted to Arthur's quipping and sidling.
"You've got about as much courage in this place as a hypochondriac hamster, you filibustering philanthropist," Arthur again quipped forcefully.
"Stop getting verbose with me or I'll take your quip off you," Biggs parried, thrusted and came to rest upon a metaphor.
"Just what kind of English do you think that is," said Arthur, talking this time to the author.
I did not wish to answer my creation so I continued typing, hoping that the latter could be as good as the former.
"He's just pig ignorant," suggested Biggs, I resenting it as, even now, I typed it.
"That fellow on the word processor has put us into this dark and dismal place and I don't like it," blubbed Biggs with a kind of big blubbing noise.
I decided to speak up, "Look you two, I'm in ch
arge of this book so just do what I type!" (I thought that would tell them.)
"Of course you know we can read Mr. Author sir, so we know what you think on paper," whined Arthur.
"Well he's left a few lines free so maybe he's not going to interject in our lives anymore," Biggs said.
Then Arthur said, "Okay then Biggs, let's explore this dark and dismal place, have you got the lantern?"
"Of course I've got the lantern," Biggs struck the flint against the stone. "I wouldn't strike the flint against the stone, my character just wouldn't do such a silly thing," said Biggs in a self righteous tone.
"Don't get all self righteous on us now Biggs. Just light the lamp in a common sense sort of way."
So in a common sense sort of way Biggs lit the lamp.
"It's dark."
"I know it's dark."
"Even with the light on it's dark."
A pause.
"I'm getting muddled up with who's spaking."
"Who's spaking," quibbled Biggs, "can't you spell correctly Author?"
"Correctly," I typed.
"That's it Mr. Author sir, if you don't stop trying to be funny I'm going to make a complaint to the funny characters union."
"Sorry," I said.
"Oh look there's a dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door. It wasn't there just now. I bet that author just put it there," bibbled Quiggs. "Oi! Get the name right B I G G S not Quiggs," corrected Biggs.
"What, you mean that dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door to the left or the dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten door to the right?" questioned Arthur, as he looked from side to side.
"It's that author again Arthur, he's messing around again, that door wasn't there just now."
"What you mean the dark, mildew coated, metal...."
"Shut up Arthur just go through the door on the right, the one we saw first."
"That's a fine way to talk to your lord and master, I must say."
The dark, mildew coated, metal studded, green lacquered, warped and flea bitten oak door swang open, sorry, swung open with a high pitched, kind of wobbling falsetto creaky sound.
"That was a high pitched, kind of wobbling...."
Biggs hit Arthur with the map he was carrying, to shut him up. "I didn't know I was carrying a map. Especially one that I could hit you with."
"Don't you hit me with it again. Let's just read it," quivered Arthur.