I crossed closer to him and then stopped. “I’m sorry.”
He dropped his hands, his green gaze asking me questions I couldn’t understand. “You are?”
“I’m not really sure I understand. It clearly causes you pain, so, yes, I’m sorry. You’re all strangers to me, pretty much. I’ve told you what I think I am to you. Dane pretty much said it when he got mad.” Wes winced and I kept talking, needing to get things said. “I want to know you, to be friends. I can’t know what happened before. But I can hope things can be better now.”
Maybe I could stop making either Dane or Nolan lose their minds. Or make stupid decisions that required rescue at gunpoint. Somewhere, there had to be a life for my daughter, and it very well might include these five people.
Wes had been wonderful with David. He was someone I might like to know.
When he didn’t answer, I spoke again. “You put together the engine here sometimes, and Dane called you when he wanted you to look at the bomb. What happened with your exam?”
“It’s three parts. We have to pass it by the time we’re fifteen to move onto secondary school. I can pass the academics with my eyes closed. That’s not bragging. I don’t even have to study. I just look and understand the material. I can build anything.”
I took another step toward him. “But you couldn’t pass the self-care bit?”
He shook his head, his hands covering his face again. “It’s pretty pathetic. I shower, don’t worry about that. My mother did eventually manage to stuff that much in my head with her belt striking my spine. I brush my teeth. I just don’t think about things like washing my clothes. It’s…gross. I know. No one here has ever cared. I’m sorry.”
I almost couldn’t believe I was about to offer what I was going to say. “I’m pretty worthless right now. Whatever I did before, whomever I belonged to, I’m sure I had skills I no longer possess. Master’s makes us ready to be wives to very wealthy men. I can cook. I can clean. I can pick out clothing. Here on Artemis, almost eight months pregnant, I’m not really good to anyone.”
“That’s not…”
I didn’t let him finish. “You do the things you do, I’ll take care of the rest, including your laundry and making sure you eat.”
He stood, crossing the rest of the distance to me. “You’re serious?”
“Did your wife not do those things before? Or at least remind you to?”
Wes shook his head, a piece of his red hair falling in his eyes. I reached out and brushed it away before I could stop myself. The clenching inside me had nothing to do with the baby and everything to do with the heat coming from his gaze.
“Friends do these things for each other. You taking care of Artemis is like caring for me. I can’t do that for myself. I’ll do the same for you.” A thought dawned on me. “Maybe sometime when you have time you can show me how to fly this ship.”
Artemis banked right, and I grabbed his shoulders to stay upright. He groaned. “Fucking C.J. I’m beginning to think he’s doing this on purpose.”
I stepped back. “I should go. It’s late.”
Wes laughed. “So late, it’s almost morning.”
I bent over and picked up the sponge he’d discarded. “I would guess the human brain can only do so many things flawlessly before it simply has no more room. Yours seems to do a lot of impressive stuff.”
His mouth opened and closed. “Thank you, honey.”
Honey. I smiled. They all had their names for me. “That’s okay, sweetheart.”
I turned on my heel and walked to my room. I should be exhausted, but I was too wired. If I closed my eyes, I’d see Peter and the gun pointed at my head. I could practically see him now.
I hadn’t expected to find Dane conked out on my bed. He was sprawled on his stomach, one hand hanging off the side of the bed, the other extended to the other side over the pillow. He snored softly. He wore black cotton shorts and a white tank that showed off his impressive muscles. I stopped abruptly in the doorway.
What was he doing?
A strange scent wafted through the air. Spicy, like oregano, it seemed to come from Dane. I walked toward him and stood next to the bed, expecting him to wake at any minute. When he didn’t move at all, I touched his cheek. He’d grown a face full of whiskers during the day. I let myself just touch him for a moment. I owed this man an apology.
His eyes opened slowly and a smile crept over his face. “Melissa.” My name was a whisper, yet it moved through me like he’d sung the word.
I stared at him for a second. He didn’t look right. Something seemed off with his pupils. “Are you okay?” I inched closer to him. “Why do your eyes look huge?”
He let out a long breath before he reached out to take my hand. His fingers were so much bigger than mine. He had the power to save life with them. “I’m okay. There’s a plant. Called Russo’s Remedy. It’s grown on my home planet of Kakstan. Totally natural. Takes the edge off.”
I smiled at how he tried to justify something that was downright simple. The guards sometimes whispered that the Nobles were big on using Russo’s. “You’re stoned.”
“Sad that I can’t turn off a day like today without some assistance. Otherwise, I’d toss and turn all night. Don’t think I’m weak for doing this, please.”
His words ramped my guilt even higher. “I’m not judging you. I really only have respect for you. What I said before, about you being a coward, I was mad and not thinking. I don’t even know you and even if I did, I have no right to…”
He cut off what I would have finished by sticking his index finger against my mouth. “Sh.” He patted the bed next to me. “You can say you’re sorry by not making me leave tonight. Sleep next to me. I came in to check on you. When you weren’t here, I decided to wait. I don’t want to move.”
“I love the idea. It’s totally weird, but I hate sleeping alone.” I stood and walked to the other side of the bed. “I’m still wearing your shirt. Thank you for it. I did all of Wes’ laundry. Did my one piece of clothing, too, but I don’t want to sleep in it.”
“Here.” He sat and pulled his tank from his body. “Put this on and give me that one. It’ll smell like you. I want it.” Dane laughed. “Should totally not have said that. Thanks, Russo’s.”
I hoped we didn’t have an emergency in the next couple hours. Dr. Stoned was not going to be of much use if we did. Then again, everyone deserved a break, and I’d promised I wouldn’t judge. He rolled over, showing me his back, and I quickly pulled off his shirt and traded it for the other. After I slipped into the bed, I passed him the one I’d taken off. Dane pressed it to his nose and inhaled deeply. With his eyes closed, he made a moaning sound deep in his throat before he snuggled into one of my pillows.
I’d forgotten to turn off the light. “Damn. The light.” My belly made it so hard to do anything easily.
“Don’t move.” Dane tapped his wrist and the room fell into darkness.
Those buttons were mighty convenient. If I had to stay on the ship, I needed to insist on having one.
“Did you say you were doing Wes’ laundry?”
I rolled on my side to stare at him in the dark. “He needed it, and I have to figure out something to do. Laundry is on my very small list of skills. I started to clean for him, too. I’ll finish tomorrow. Want me to do yours?”
“No.” He shook his head, rubbing his nose on the pillow. “Take care of Wes, if you want. The boy needs tending that way. I know how to launder my own stuff.”
Since we were already lying in the dark together, I took his hand in mine. He sighed at the contact. Russo’s must really make everything feel extra good. Maybe when I wasn’t pregnant, I’d try it. “What do you need?”
“This.”
His word was barely a whisper and seconds later his hand went limp in mine. The gentle sound of his snoring filled the room, and I closed my eyes. I hadn’t thought I’d be able to sleep, yet with Dane’s hand wrapped in my own and his breath on my pillow, the world f
aded away.
I dreamed.
Chapter 9
Dane
I stormed into Dane’s medical bay. If I didn’t love him so fucking much, I’d put him out the airlock. He sat on the table staring out the ship’s window. I’d seen the distant look in his eyes enough times to know he was stoned. If ‘woe is me’ Dane made me crazy, ‘mellowed out by Russo’s Root’ Dane made my hands shake with irritation.
Someday he would pull it together.
“Are you kidding with this?”
He smiled, the slow grin, telling me he wasn’t really present for this conversation. “Hey, Mel.”
“Don’t Mel me. You gave half our antibiotics to that last merchant ship. What the hell were you thinking?”
He held his hand out to me. “Don’t yell. We can talk about this like civilized people. We’re over surplus now. All the Nomads are. We can afford generosity with supplies to those less fortunate.”
If I could get his adrenaline up he’d come to his senses. I needed him to hear me. All the guys had to be ready for what was going to happen. I’d never be able to make it okay. I had to know they could survive.
I loved them and that meant hurting them sometimes. They were of no use to me weak, and I wouldn’t coddle them. Loving me meant playing by my rules—it always had.
“We aren’t here for you to play doctor.”
His eyebrows shot up, and he dangled his feet over the edge of table. “I’m not playing at it. I actually am one.”
“Your one job on this ship is to take care of us, any Nomads we might encounter who need your help, and to fuck me when I want you to. You don’t get to make arbitrary decisions about what and how to manage the medicine. That’s my job.”
He blinked rapidly, his eyes returning to normal. “Thanks for destroying my buzz, Mel. There’s nothing better than having to face this kind of shit sober.”
“Whine. Whine. Whine. Your life is hard. Guess what? All of us are Sisyphus on occasion. You’re here, you’re safe, and you’re mine. If that isn’t worth staying off the Russo for, then feel free to get off the ship next time we dock.”
He jumped off the table and reached me in two strides. His gripped my shoulders hard. “Would you do that? Would you send me away?”
I hated the shake in his voice, although I’d never tell him that. I’d also never consider sending him away. They all had to think I would, though—it was the only way to keep six alpha tendency guys from taking over my ship. A little fear went a long way. I loved them, so I kept them on edge.
“Don’t make me.”
Dane pressed his forehead to mine. “Let me inside you. I’ll fix this. It’s been awhile. You don’t come to me anymore. Just Nolan. Sometimes Cooper.”
Hardly them, either. Since I’d gotten pregnant on Truest Station the month before, I’d hardly felt like it at all.
I wouldn’t be able to hide the symptoms from Dane much longer. He’d see the signs before the others would. Then I’d never get off the ship.
I’d love to curl up with him and let him have me in the gentle way he preferred. But he’d gotten stoned, given away our medicine, and he had to be punished.
“You know I don’t want you in me when you’ve been smoking that stuff.”
He sucked in his breath. “What can I do to make this right? I didn’t expect you, or I would never have…”
“See? There’s the problem. You should be living your life like you expect to see me all the time.”
“Except I don’t.” He let me go and stormed over to the table. “You used to want me. We used to all do things together. I’m such an afterthought now.”
He couldn’t be more wrong. When I obsessed over which ones of them were absolutely not going to make it with me gone, it was Nolan and Dane who kept me awake at night. Cooper would blame me forever. C.J. would come up with reasons for why I did it and eventually convince himself he understood even if he didn’t. Wes would hide his hurt in anger and stay really busy. But Dane? He’d implode if I didn’t do something to make him stronger, to understand how he had to live on the Artemis without me.
“You want to make this better, fine. No more initiative. Remember the rules. And I’ll consider forgiving you.”
“Fuck.” He rubbed at his eyes. “I love you. Does that not matter to you at all?”
He’d never know how he killed me with his question, because I kept my face stoic. My mother, the conniving bitch from hell that she was, had warned me this would happen. They could never know how much I cared.
“You want to show me how much you love me?” I pointed to the ground in front of me. “On your knees. You can show me with your tongue. Make me come, and maybe I’ll believe you.”
I woke with a start, my heart racing. The overwhelming heat inside me, the ache for fulfilment, made me moan even as my head raged with a headache. It might have stopped hurting when I was awake, but nighttime dreams kept my forehead pounding. Dane shot up in bed, clicking his wrist to turn on the lights.
The blinding glow didn’t help the assault on my head and when I howled, he dimmed the glare.
“Thank you.” Sweat drenched my body.
His gaze took me in from uncovered feet to whatever he saw on my face. His hand came to my forehead and when he touched me, I sucked in my breath from the pain mixed with pleasure.
“This is why I got in the shower before. I’m so sorry. Please go to sleep.”
Dane sat up on his knees. His gaze held mine steady, his pupils clear. He’d slept off the Russo.
“Talk to me.” He placed his other hand on my cheek. “What happened?”
“Same thing. Fell asleep. Had some kind of dream. I can’t remember it but my need for…something remains.”
He slowly raised his eyebrows. “I see.”
“I’m going to go get wet again.”
“No.”
His firm declaration kept me where I sat. The lowering of his voice didn’t help things as my core vibrated with need.
“Please.” I didn’t even know what I asked for.
“Pregnancy is a funny time for women. Sometimes they don’t want to be touched, even on the shoulder or the hand, and sometimes they need release badly. Seems to me something has made your pregnancy hormones turn on and pay attention. Maybe it’s whatever you’re remembering in your dreams.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder. “I’m a sad case, aren’t I? I have the baby, but none of the memories of the fun of getting her. And now there’s no one to help me with the crap that comes with this time.”
“Not true.” He tapped my chin, making me look at him. “You have the five of us.”
“I can’t very well ask you to help me with this.” I pointed at the bathroom. “The cold shower will do.”
“Mel.” He brushed his lips over mine. “Protocol means I should leave you alone. But I figure I’ve already practically damaged it beyond repair, thanks to earlier. I’m why you are thinking things you’d be better off having left alone. I’d love to make you feel better, if you’d let me.”
Every nerve ending in my body came to life. “Please.”
His mouth met mine. He started out light, but quickly, with a moan in his throat, pressed more firmly against me. My belly was in the way, so he shifted until I lay beneath him on the bed and held himself off my stomach by leaning slightly to the side. He kissed me, and I tried to keep pace.
When he breathed, I did, although it seemed he wanted less air than me.
Pulling away, he kissed a trail down my face to my neck. I was lost to the heat between us. He tugged my shirt over my head.
“I won’t put myself in you, I promise, but I’ll make you come. Let me look at you for a minute. You’re so beautiful. So lush and pregnant. It’s like looking at a miracle. Your breasts are…I don’t have words.”
His words seemed strange. He meant to make me come, but not come in me? I took his cheeks in my hands. “Why would you not want to come in me? Protocol? Or a pregnancy thing? Or you do
n’t want to?”
Dane exhaled loudly, his whole body shaking. “Sometimes I forget. I look at you, and I don’t remember. Would you be okay with me being inside you?”
“I shouldn’t be all right with any of this. Yet, here I am. We’re strangers, basically. I want you. If you tell me to go take a shower, I will. I’m not going to force you to do something you’re not comfortable with. I’m sorry I even put you in this position.”
“Melissa…” He kissed me so gently, it stole my breath. “I’m sorry. I want inside you so much. Of course I will. Ignore my words; I’m fucked up. Okay?”
His lip quivered when he spoke, and it panged my heart. “Then I guess we’ve got a lot in common.”
He took my nipple in his mouth. He sucked hard and electricity shot through my spine. With his free hand, he massaged the other one. They were so sensitive and his ministrations had me squirming on the bed.
I reached between us. He felt hard, tenting his shorts, and the sight made my mouth water. I took him in my hand, his shorts still between us. He hissed in his breath. “Not too much. I won’t hold out. I’m like a teenager right now.”
He kissed the top of my stomach, pressing his forehead to it. “Just blows my mind you have a baby in there.”
Was it his? I didn’t want to spoil the moment by asking. I hadn’t considered my stomach. But I realized it was going to get in the way.
“Sit. Will you?”
My muscles were shaky, but I managed to pull myself upward. “The belly is going to be a problem, isn’t it?”
“No. Just can’t be missionary today. Not a problem. I’ll be sweet to you. I promise.”
I believed him. He moved until he was propped behind me. He tugged my shirt entirely over my head and threw it aside. With his index finger, he stroked the top of the elastic of my underpants. “You’re so beautiful. I never thought…”
“Don’t hold back. Say what you want to.”
He took my breast in his hand and squeezed. I leaned further against him, a moan releasing from deep inside me.
He bit on my shoulder, lightly. “I can’t. I’ll show you instead.”