My room is small and comfortable, with blue wallpaper, gold birds flying on the blue. Dr. Dupont goes to my bureau and returns with the medicine. I swallow the two pills and drink the water.
I sit in the chair and look at the window. Frost edges the windowpane.
“My father,” I say, looking at the window. There are no bars on the window, not like that other room where I sit and answer questions. I hope I don’t have to go there anymore. “Is my father dead?” I ask.
“Please,” Dr. Dupont says, “relax now. Let the medicine do its work. Then we’ll talk.” His voice is soothing, like syrup, not like that other voice in that other room. I don’t want to think about that other room. But I keep thinking about my father.
“My father is dead, isn’t he?” I ask. I know that my mother is dead. I have knowledge that she is dead. I don’t know how I know but I do. But my father is different. I wonder if he is out there somewhere, waiting for me to find him. I wonder if he is out there somewhere, hurt, injured, waiting for me to bring him help.
“We are all mortal,” Dr. Dupont says, his voice gentle. “We must all die someday.” His voice is so gentle that I lean back in the chair.
“My poor father,” I say. “He is dead, isn’t he? He didn’t get away, did he?”
The doctor’s face is sad; his face is always sad when we talk about my father and I find out again that he is dead.
The doctor takes the package from my hand and I begin to sing:
The farmer in the dell,
The farmer in the dell,
Heigh-ho, the merry-o,
The farmer in the dell …
It makes me feel good when I sing. I watch Dr. Dupont as I sing. He is opening the box. He is a kind man. The medicine is working now and I can feel it in my veins. It’s singing in my veins along with me:
The child takes the cat,
The child takes the cat,
Heigh-ho, the merry-o,
The child takes the cat …
I am singing fine now because I know that I don’t have to go into that room and answer the questions. Maybe later, of course, but not now at least.
The cat takes the rat,
The cat takes the rat,
Heigh-ho, the merry-o,
The cat takes the rat …
The doctor opens the box and takes out Pokey the Pig. My old friend. The doctor is a good man and he found Pokey the Pig for me. He went away and found it and also found my father’s old army jacket and his old hat.
He places Pokey the Pig in my arms.
The rat takes the cheese,
The rat takes the cheese,
Heigh-ho, the merry-o,
The rat takes the cheese …
I rock Pokey in my arms and I’m wearing my father’s jacket and I have on his old cap and now I’m not so sad anymore although I know he’s dead and my mother’s dead, too.
I keep singing, I keep singing.
The cheese stands alone,
The cheese stands alone,
Heigh-ho, the merry-o,
The cheese stands alone.
“Rest awhile,” Dr. Dupont says. “Everything’s going to be all right, Paul.”
I wonder who the doctor is talking to, this somebody he calls Paul. Who is Paul? I know I am not Paul. There is another name I know about but I can’t think of the name now and anyway I am too busy singing, and I hold Pokey the Pig close to me and I smile as I sing because I know, of course, who I am, who I will always be.
I am the cheese.
TAPE OZK016 1655 date deleted T
T: Annual report on File Data 865-01. Special references: Subject A; Personnel #2222; Agency Basic Procedures.
As evidenced in attached tapes (OZK Series), it was impossible to elicit from Subject A information sought by Department 1-R. Inducement of medication (Refer: Medical Unit Group) plus preknowledge interrogation failed to bring forth suspected knowledge of Subject A. Psychiatric reports (Refer: Psychiatric Profiles Plus Analyses) corroborate results of OZK series tapes. Subject A responded with consistency of earlier sessions. (Refer: Department B-2 Tape Series ORT, UDW.) Data provided by Subject A also consistent with earlier reactions. Deep withdrawal when topics which concern Department 1-R are approached. (Refer: Witness Re-Establishment Project, File Data 865-01, Witness #599-6.) Results of questioning: negative. (Refer: negative results in Tape Series ORT, UDW.)
SUMMARY:
This is the third annual questioning of Subject A with results identical to two earlier sessions at twelve-month intervals. Subject A discloses no awareness of data provided Department 1-R by Witness #599-6. Complete withdrawal accompanies recapitulation of termination of Witness #599-6 and affiliate (spouse). Knowledge, however, may be psychological residue within Subject A.
ADVISORY:
Department B-2 holds no authority under Input For Recommendations and functions as Advisory. The following advisories are advanced for priority study:
Advisory #1:
Modification of Agency Basic Procedures to eliminate Policy 979 which does not currently allow termination procedures by Department 1-R.
Advisory #2:
Discontinue suspension of Personnel #2222 and grant full reinstatement on following basis: While it is fact that Witness #599-6 had been located by Adversaries, it has not been established that Personnel #2222 allowed termination of Witness #599-6 and affiliate (spouse) by Adversaries. (There is only circumstantial evidence that Personnel #2222 contacted Adversaries regarding location of Witness #599-6.) Note that Personnel #2222 directed Post-Termination activity with efficiency and dispatch as follows: (a) Pursuit and confirmation of Witness #599-6 termination by Adversaries; (b) removal of affiliate’s remains from scene; (c) transfer of Subject A to confinement facilities. All activities completed without involvement of local authorities. Third-year mandatory review indicates Personnel #2222 acted within existing policies of Agency Basic Procedures.
Advisory #3:
Since Subject A is final linkage between Witness #599-6 and File Data 865-01, it is advised that (a) pending revision of Agency Basic Procedures (Refer: Policy 979) Subject A’s confinement be continued until termination procedures are approved; or (b) Subject A’s condition be sustained until Subject A obliterates.
END TAPE SERIES OZK016
I am riding the bicycle and I am on Route 31 in Monument, Massachusetts, on my way to Rutterburg, Vermont, and I’m pedaling furiously because this is an old-fashioned bike, no speeds, no fenders, only the warped tires and the brakes that don’t always work and the handlebars with cracked rubber grips to steer with. A plain bike—the kind my father rode as a kid years ago. It’s cold as I pedal along, the wind like a snake slithering up my sleeves and into my jacket and my pants legs, too. But I keep pedaling, I keep pedaling …
Robert Cormier (1925–2000) changed the face of young adult literature over the course of his illustrious career. His many novels include The Chocolate War, Beyond the Chocolate War, I Am the Cheese, Fade, Tenderness, After the First Death, Heroes, Frenchtown Summer, and The Rag and Bone Shop. In 1991, he received the Margaret A. Edwards Award, honoring his lifetime contribution to writing for teens.
Robert Cormier, I Am the Cheese
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