LETTER XIX
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.THURSDAY EVENING, JUNE 8.
O for a curse to kill with!--Ruined! Undone! Outwitted!Tricked!--Zounds, man, the lady has gone off!--Absolutely gone off!Escaped!--
Thou knowest not, nor canst conceive, the pangs that wring my heart!--What can I do!--O Lord, O Lord, O Lord!
And thou, too, who hast endeavoured to weaken my hands, wilt but clap thydragon's wings at the tidings!
Yet I must write, or I shall go distracted! Little less have I beenthese two hours; dispatching messengers to every stage, to every inn, toevery waggon or coach, whether flying or creeping, and to every housewith a bill up, for five miles around.
The little hypocrite, who knows not a soul in this town, [I thought I wassure of her at any time,] such an unexperienced traitress--giving me hopetoo, in her first billet, that her expectation of the family-reconciliation would withhold her from taking such a step as this--curseupon her contrivances!--I thought, that it was owing to her bashfulness,to her modesty, that, after a few innocent freedoms, she could not lookme in the face; when, all the while, she was impudently [yes, I say,impudently, though she be Clarissa Harlowe] contriving to rob me of thedearest property I had ever purchased--purchased by a painful servitudeof many months; fighting through the wild-beasts of her family for her,and combating with a wind-mill virtue, which hath cost me millions ofperjuries only to attempt; and which now, with its damn'd air-fans, hastost me a mile and a half beyond hope!--And this, just as I had arrivedwithin view of the consummation of all my wishes!
O Devil of Love! God of Love no more--how have I deserved this ofthee!--Never before the friend of frozen virtue?--Powerless demon, forpowerless thou must be, if thou meanedest not to frustrate my hopes; whoshall henceforth kneel at thy altars!--May every enterprising heartabhor, despise, execrate, renounce thee, as I do!--But, O Belford,Belford, what signifies cursing now!
***
How she could effect this her wicked escape is my astonishment; the wholesisterhood having charge of her;--for, as yet, I have not had patienceenough to inquire into the particulars, nor to let a soul of themapproach me.
Of this I am sure, or I had not brought her hither, there is not acreature belonging to this house, that could be corrupted either byvirtue or remorse: the highest joy every infernal nymph, of this worsethan infernal habitation, could have known, would have been to reducethis proud beauty to her own level.--And as to my villain, who also hadcharge of her, he is such a seasoned varlet, that he delights in mischieffor the sake of it: no bribe could seduce him to betray his trust, werethere but wickedness in it!--'Tis well, however, he was out of my waywhen the cursed news was imparted to me!--Gone, the villain! in quest ofher: not to return, nor to see my face [so it seems he declared] till hehas heard some tidings of her; and all the out-of-place varlets of hisnumerous acquaintance are summoned and employed in the same business.
To what purpose brought I this angel (angel I must yet call her) to thishellish house?--And was I not meditating to do her deserved honour? Bymy soul, Belford, I was resolved--but thou knowest what I hadconditionally resolved--And now, who can tell into what hands she mayhave fallen!
I am mad, stark mad, by Jupiter, at the thoughts of this!--Unprovided,destitute, unacquainted--some villain, worse than myself, who adores hernot as I adore her, may have seized her, and taken advantage of herdistress!--Let me perish, Belford, if a whole hecatomb of innocents, asthe little plagues are called, shall atone for the broken promises andwicked artifices of this cruel creature!
***
Going home, as I did, with resolutions favourable to her, judge thou ofmy distraction, when her escape was first hinted to me, although but inbroken sentences. I knew not what I said, nor what I did. I wanted tokill somebody. I flew out of one room into another, who broke the matterto me. I charged bribery and corruption, in my first fury, upon all; andthreatened destruction to old and young, as they should come in my way.
Dorcas continues locked up from me: Sally and Polly have not yet dared toappear: the vile Sinclair--
But here comes the odious devil. She taps at the door, thought that'sonly a-jar, whining and snuffling, to try, I suppose, to coax me intotemper.
***
What a helpless state, where a man can only execrate himself and others;the occasion of his rage remaining; the evil increasing upon reflection;time itself conspiring to deepen it!--O how I curs'd her!
I have her now, methinks, before me, blubbering--how odious does sorrowmake an ugly face!--Thine, Jack, and this old beldam's, in penitentials,instead of moving compassion, must evermore confirm hatred; while beautyin tears, is beauty heightened, and what my heart has ever delighted tosee.----
'What excuse!--Confound you, and your cursed daughters, what excuse canyou make?--Is she not gone--Has she not escaped?--But before I am quitedistracted, before I commit half a hundred murders, let me hear how itwas.'----
***
I have heard her story!--Art, damn'd, confounded, wicked, unpardonableart, is a woman of her character--But show me a woman, and I'll show theea plotter!--This plaguy sex is art itself: every individual of it is aplotter by nature.
This is the substance of the old wretch's account.
She told me, 'That I had no sooner left the vile house, than Dorcasacquainted the syren' [Do, Jack, let me call her names!--I beseech thee,Jack, to permit me to call her names!] 'that Dorcas acquainted her ladywith it; and that I had left word, that I was gone to doctors-commons,and should be heard of for some hours at the Horn there, if inquiredafter by the counsellor, or anybody else: that afterwards I should beeither at the Cocoa-tree, or King's-Arms, and should not return tilllate. She then urged her to take some refreshment.
'She was in tears when Dorcas approached her; her saucy eyes swelled withweeping: she refused either to eat or drink; sighed as if her heart wouldbreak.'--False, devilish grief! not the humble, silent, grief, that onlydeserves pity!--Contriving to ruin me, to despoil me of all that I heldvaluable, in the very midst of it.
'Nevertheless, being resolved not to see me for a week at least, sheordered her to bring up three or four French rolls, with a little butter,and a decanter of water; telling her, she would dispense with herattendance; and that should be all she should live upon in the interim.So artful creature! pretending to lay up for a week's siege.'--For, as tosubstantial food, she, no more than other angels--Angels! said I--thedevil take me if she be any more an angel!--for she is odious in my eyes;and I hate her mortally!
But O Lovelace, thou liest!--She is all that is lovely. All that isexcellent!
But is she, can she be gone!--Oh! how Miss Howe will triumph!--But ifthat little fury receive her, fate shall make me rich amends; for thenwill I contrive to have them both.
I was looking back for connection--but the devil take connection; I haveno business with it: the contrary best befits distraction, and that willsoon be my lot!
'Dorcas consulted the old wretch about obeying her: O yes, by all means;for Mr. Lovelace knew how to come at her at any time: and directed abottle of sherry to be added.
'This cheerful compliance so obliged her, that she was prevailed upon togo up, and look at the damage done by the fire; and seemed not onlyshocked by it, but, as they thought, satisfied it was no trick; as sheowned she had at first apprehended it to be. All this made them secure;and they laughed in their sleeves, to think what a childish way ofshowing her resentment she had found out; Sally throwing out herwitticisms, that Mrs. Lovelace was right, however, not to quarrel withher bread and butter.'
Now this very childishness, as they imagined it, in such a genius, wouldhave made me suspect either her head, after what had happened the nightbefore; or her purpose, when the marriage was (so far as she knew) to becompleted within the week in which she was resolved to secrete herselffrom me in the same house.
'She sent Will. with a letter to Wilson's, directed to Miss Howe,ordering him to inquire if there were not one for her there.
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'He only pretended to go, and brought word there was none; and put herletter in his pocket for me.
'She then ordered him to carry another (which she gave him) to the HornTavern to me.--All this done without any seeming hurry: yet she appearedto be very solemn; and put her handkerchief frequently to her eyes.
'Will. pretended to come to me with this letter. But thou the dog hadthe sagacity to mistrust something on her sending him out a second time;(and to me, whom she had refused to see;) which he thought extraordinary;and mentioned his mistrusts to Sally, Polly, and Dorcas; yet they madelight of his suspicions; Dorcas assuring them all, that her lady seemedmore stupid with her grief, than active; and that she really believed shewas a little turned in her head, and knew not what she did. But all ofthem depended upon her inexperience, her open temper, and upon her notmaking the least motion towards going out, or to have a coach or chaircalled, as sometimes she had done; and still more upon the preparationsshe had made for a week's siege, as I may call it.
'Will. went out, pretending to bring the letter to me; but quicklyreturned; his heart still misgiving him, on recollecting my frequentcautions, that he was not to judge for himself, when he had positiveorders; but if any doubt occurred, from circumstances I could notforesee, literally to follow them, as the only way to avoid blame.
'But it must have been in this little interval, that she escaped; forsoon after his return, they made fast the street-door and hatch, themother and the two nymphs taking a little turn into the garden; Dorcasgoing up stairs, and Will. (to avoid being seen by his lady, or his voiceheard) down into the kitchen.
'About half an hour after, Dorcas, who had planted herself where shecould see her lady's door open, had the curiosity to go look through thekeyhole, having a misgiving, as she said, that the lady might offer someviolence to herself, in the mood she had been in all day; and finding thekey in the door, which was not very usual, she tapped at it three or fourtimes, and having no answer, opened it, with Madam, Madam, did you call?--Supposing her in her closet.
'Having no answer, she stept forward, and was astonished to find she wasnot there. She hastily ran into the dining-room, then into myapartments; searched every closet; dreading all the time to behold somesad catastrophe.
'Not finding her any where, she ran down to the old creature, and hernymphs, with a Have you seen my lady?--Then she's gone!--She's no whereabove!
'They were sure she could not be gone out.
'The whole house was in an uproar in an instant; some running up-stairs,some down, from the upper rooms to the lower; and all screaming, Howshould they look me in the face!
'Will. cried out, he was a dead man: he blamed them; they him; and everyone was an accuser, and an excuser, at the same time.
'When they had searched the whole house, and every closet in it, tentimes over, to no purpose, they took it into their heads to send to allthe porters, chairmen, and hackney-coachmen, that had been near the housefor two hours past, to inquire if any of them saw such a young lady;describing her.
'This brought them some light: the only dawning for hope, that I canhave, and which keeps me from absolute despair. One of the chairmen gavethem this account: That he saw such a one come out of the house a littlebefore four (in a great hurry, and as if frighted) with a little parceltied up in a handkerchief, in her hand: that he took notice to hisfellow, who plied her without her answering, that she was a fine younglady: that he'd warrant, she had either a husband, or very cross parents;for that her eyes seemed swelled with crying. Upon which, a third fellowreplied, that it might be a doe escaped from mother Damnable's park.This Mrs. Sinclair told me with a curse, and a wish that she had a betterreputation; so handsomely as she lived, and so justly as she paid everybody for what she bought; her house visited by the best and civilest ofgentlemen; and no noise or brawls ever heard or known in it.
'From these appearances, the fellow who gave this information, had thecuriosity to follow her, unperceived. She often looked back. Every bodywho passed her, turned to look after her; passing their verdict upon hertears, her hurry, and her charming person; till coming to a stand ofcoaches, a coachman plied her; was accepted; alighted; opened thecoach-door in a hurry, seeing her hurry; and in it she stumbled forhaste; and, as the fellow believed, hurt her shin with the stumble.'
The devil take me, Belford, if my generous heart is not moved for her,notwithstanding her wicked deceit, to think what must be her reflectionsand apprehensions at the time:--A mind so delicate, heeding no censures;yet, probably afraid of being laid hold of by a Lovelace in every one shesaw! At the same time, not knowing to what dangers she was about toexpose herself; nor of whom she could obtain shelter; a stranger to thetown, and to all its ways; the afternoon far gone: but little money; andno clothes but those she had on!
It is impossible, in this little interval since last night, that MissHowe's Townsend could be co-operating.
But how she must abhor me to run all these risques; how heartily she mustdetest me for my freedoms of last night! Oh! that I had given hergreater reason for a resentment so violent!--As to her virtue, I am toomuch enraged to give her the merit due to that. To virtue it cannot beowing that she should fly from the charming prospects that were beforeher; but to malice, hatred, contempt, Harlowe pride, (the worst ofpride,) and to all the deadly passions that ever reigned in a femalebreast--and if I can but recover her--But be still, be calm, be hushed,my stormy passions; for is it not Clarissa [Harlowe must I say?] thatthus far I rave against?
'The fellow heard her say, drive fast! very fast! Where, Madam? ToHolborn-bars, answered she; repeating, Drive very fast!--And up shepulled both the windows: and he lost sight of the coach in a minute.
'Will., as soon as he had this intelligence, speeded away in hopes totrace her out; declaring, that he would never think of seeing me, till hehad heard some tidings of his lady.'
And now, Belford, all my hope is, that this fellow (who attended us inour airing to Hampstead, to Highgate, to Muswell-hill, to Kentish-town)will hear of her at some one or other of those places. And on this I therather build, as I remember she was once, after our return, veryinquisitive about the stages, and their prices; praising the conveniencyto passengers in their going off every hour; and this in Will.'s hearing,who was then in attendance. Woe be to the villain, if he recollect notthis!
***
I have been traversing her room, meditating, or taking up every thing shebut touched or used: the glass she dressed at, I was ready to break, fornot giving me the personal image it was wont to reflect of her, whoseidea is for ever present with me. I call for her, now in the tenderest,now in the most reproachful terms, as if within hearing: wanting her, Iwant my own soul, at least every thing dear to it. What a void in myheart! what a chilness in my blood, as if its circulation was arrested!From her room to my own; in the dining-room, and in and out of everyplace where I have seen the beloved of my heart, do I hurry; in none canI tarry; her lovely image in every one, in some lively attitude, rushingcruelly upon me, in differently remembered conversations.
But when in my first fury, at my return, I went up two pairs of stairs,resolved to find the locked-up Dorcas, and beheld the vainly-burntwindow-board, and recollected my baffled contrivances, baffled by my ownweak folly, I thought my distraction completed; and down I ran as onefrighted at a spectre, ready to howl for vexation; my head and my templesshooting with a violence I had never felt before; and my back aching asif the vertebrae were disjointed, and falling in pieces.
But now that I have heard the mother's story, and contemplated thedawning hopes given by the chairman's information, I am a good dealeasier, and can make cooler reflections. Most heartily pray I forWill.'s success, every four or five minutes. If I lose her, all my ragewill return with redoubled fury. The disgrace to be thus outwitted by anovice, an infant in stratagem and contrivance, added to the violence ofmy passion for her, will either break my heart, or (what saves many aheart, in evils insupportable) turn my brain. What had I to do
to go outa license-hunting, at least till I had seen her, and made up matters withher? And indeed, were it not the privilege of a principal to lay all hisown faults upon his underlings, and never be to blame himself, I shouldbe apt to reflect, that I am more in fault than any body. And, as thesting of this reflection will sharpen upon me, if I recover her not, howshall I ever be able to bear it?
If ever--
[Here Mr. Lovelace lays himself under a curse, too shocking to berepeated, if he revenge not himself upon the Lady, should he once moreget her into his hands.]
***
I have just now dismissed the sniveling toad Dorcas, who was introducedto me for my pardon by the whining mother. I gave her a kind of negativeand ungracious forgiveness. Yet I shall as violently curse the twonymphs, by-and-by, for the consequences of my own folly: and if this willbe a good way too to prevent their ridicule upon me, for losing soglorious an opportunity as I had last night, or rather this morning.
I have corrected, from the result of the inquiries made of the chairman,and from Dorcas's observations before the cruel creature escaped, adescription of her dress; and am resolved, if I cannot otherwise hear ofher, to advertise her in the gazette, as an eloped wife, both by hermaiden and acknowledged name; for her elopement will soon be known byevery enemy: why then should not my friends be made acquainted with it,from whose inquiries and informations I may expect some tidings of her?
'She had on a brown lustring night-gown, fresh, and looking like new, asevery thing she wears does, whether new or not, from an elegance naturalto her. A beaver hat, a black ribbon about her neck, and blue knots onher breast. A quilted petticoat of carnation-coloured satin; a rosediamond ring, supposed on her finger; and in her whole person andappearance, as I shall express it, a dignity, as well as beauty, thatcommands the repeated attention of every one who sees her.'
The description of her person I shall take a little more pains about. Mymind must be more at ease, before I undertake that. And I shallthreaten, 'that if, after a certain period given for her voluntaryreturn, she be not heard of, I will prosecute any person who presumes toentertain, harbour, abet, or encourage her, with all the vengeance thatan injured gentleman and husband may be warranted to take by law, orotherwise.'
***
Fresh cause of aggravation!--But for this scribbling vein, or I shouldstill run mad.
Again going into her chamber, because it was her's, and sighing over thebed, and every piece of furniture in it, I cast my eye towards thedrawers of the dressing-glass, and saw peep out, as it were, in one ofthe half-drawn drawers, the corner of a letter. I snatched it out, andfound it superscribed, by her, To Mr. Lovelace. The sight of it made myheart leap, and I trembled so, that I could hardly open the seal.
How does this damn'd love unman me!--but nobody ever loved as I love!--Itis even increased by her unworthy flight, and my disappointment.Ungrateful creature, to fly from a passion thus ardently flaming! which,like the palm, rises the more for being depressed and slighted.
I will not give thee a copy of this letter. I owe her not so muchservice.
But wouldst thou think, that this haughty promise-breaker could resolveas she does, absolutely and for ever to renounce me for what passed lastnight? That she could resolve to forego all her opening prospects ofreconciliation; the reconciliation with a worthless family, on which shehas set her whole heart?--Yet she does--she acquits me of all obligationto her, and herself of all expectations from me--And for what?--O thatindeed I had given her real cause! Damn'd confounded niceness, prudery,affectation, or pretty ignorance, if not affectation!--By my soul,Belford, I told thee all--I was more indebted to her struggles, than tomy own forwardness. I cannot support my own reflections upon a decencyso ill-requited.--She could not, she would not have been so much aHarlowe in her resentment. All she feared had then been over; and herown good sense, and even modesty, would have taught her to make the bestof it.
But if ever again I get her into my hands, art, and more art, andcompulsion too, if she make it necessary, [and 'tis plain that nothingelse will do,] shall she experience from the man whose fear of her hasbeen above even his passion for her; and whose gentleness and forbearanceshe has thus perfidiously triumphed over. Well, says the Poet,
'Tis nobler like a lion to invade When appetite directs, and seize my prey, Than to wait tamely, like a begging dog, Till dull consent throws out the scraps of love.
Thou knowest what I have so lately vowed--and yet, at times [cruelcreature, and ungrateful as cruel!] I can subscribe with too much truthto those lines of another Poet:
She reigns more fully in my soul than ever; She garrisons my breast, and mans against me Ev'n my own rebel thoughts, with thousand graces, Ten thousand charms, and new-discovered beauties!