“Definitely a resemblance,” Rafe said; then, “Ow!” as Abby reached across and swatted his arm.
“He did fight in the war, in fact,” Daniel said, “but he came back, with some kind of infirmity. Nobody ever mentioned what, exactly, which makes me think it may have been psychological rather than physical. There was some scandal—I’m hazy on the details, it was all kept very hush-hush, but he spent a while in some kind of sanatorium, which at the time might well have been a delicate way of saying a lunatic asylum.”
“Maybe he had a passionate affair with Wilfred Owen,” Justin suggested, “in the trenches.” Rafe sighed noisily.
“I got the impression it was more along the lines of a suicide attempt,” said Daniel. “When he got out he emigrated, I think. He lived to a ripe old age—he only died when I was a child—but still, not necessarily the ancestor one would choose to resemble. You’re right, Abby: not a happy man.” He tucked the photo back into place and touched it gently, with one long square fingertip, before he turned the page.
The hot port was rich and sweet, with quarters of lemon stuck full of cloves, and Daniel’s arm was warm and solid against mine. He flipped pages slowly: mustaches the size of house pets, lacy Edwardians walking in the flowering herb garden (“My God,” Abby said on a long breath, “that’s what it’s supposed to look like”), flappers with carefully droopy shoulders. A few people were built along the same lines as Daniel and William—tall and solid, with jawlines that worked better on the men than on the women—but most of them were small and upright and made up mainly of sharp angles, jutting chins and elbows and noses. “This thing is brilliant,” I said. “Where did you find it?”
A sudden, startled silence. Oh God, I thought, oh, God, not now, not just when I was starting to feel like— “But you found it,” Justin said, his glass going down on his knee. “In the top spare room. Don’t you . . .” He let the sentence drop. No one picked it up.
Never, Frank had told me, no matter what, never backpedal. If you fuck up, blame it on the coma, PMS, the full moon, anything you want; just hold your ground. “No,” I said. “I’d remember if I’d seen this before.”
They were all looking at me; Daniel’s eyes, only inches away, were intent and curious and huge behind his glasses. I knew I had gone white, he couldn’t miss it. He thought you’d never made it, he had some bizarro convoluted theory— “You did, Lexie,” Abby said softly, leaning forwards so she could see me. “You and Justin were rummaging around, after dinner, and you came up with this. It was the same night that . . .” She made a small, formless gesture, glanced fast at Daniel.
“It was just a few hours before the incident,” said Daniel. I thought I felt something move through his body, something like a tiny suppressed shudder, but I couldn’t be sure; I was too busy trying to hide my own rush of pure relief. “No wonder you don’t remember.”
“Well,” Rafe said, one notch too loudly and too heartily, “there you go.”
“But that sucks,” I said. “Now I feel like an idiot. I didn’t mind losing the sore bits, but I don’t want to go around wondering what else is missing. What if I bought the winning Lotto ticket and hid it somewhere?”
“Shhh,” Daniel said. He was smiling at me, that extraordinary smile. “Don’t worry. We forgot all about the album as well, until tonight. We never even looked at it.” He took my hand, opened my fingers gently—I hadn’t even realized my fists were clenched—and drew it through the crook of his elbow. “I’m glad you found it. This house has enough history for a whole village; it shouldn’t be lost. Look at this one: the cherry trees, just planted.”
“And check him out,” said Abby, pointing to a guy wearing full hunting gear and sitting on a rangy chestnut horse, beside the front gate. “He’d have a mickey fit if he knew we were keeping motoring cars in his stables.” Her voice sounded fine—easy, cheerful, not even a sliver of a pause—but her eyes, flicking to me across Daniel, were anxious.
“If I’m not mistaken,” Daniel said, “that’s our benefactor.” He flipped out the photo and checked the back. “Yes: ‘Simon on Highwayman, November 1949.’ He would have been twenty-one or so.”
Uncle Simon was from the main branch of the family tree: short and wiry, with an arrogant nose and a fierce look. “Another unhappy man,” Daniel said. “His wife died young, and apparently he never really recovered. That’s when he began drinking. As Justin said, not a cheerful bunch.”
He started to fit the photo back into its corners, but Abby said, “No,” and took it out of his hand. She passed her glass to Daniel, went to the fireplace and propped the picture in the middle of the mantelpiece. “There.”
“Why?” Rafe inquired.
“Because,” Abby said. “We owe him. He could have left this place to the Equine Society, and I’d still be living in a scary basement bedsit with no windows and hoping that the nutbar upstairs wouldn’t decide to break in some night. As far as I’m concerned, this guy deserves a place of honor.”
“Oh, Abby, sweetie,” Justin said, holding out an arm. “Come here.”
Abby adjusted a candlestick to hold the photo in place. “There,” she said, and went to Justin. He fitted his arm around her and pulled her against him, her back leaning against his chest. She took back her glass from Daniel. “Here’s to Uncle Simon,” she said.
Uncle Simon gave us all a baleful, unimpressed glare. “Why not,” Rafe said, raising his glass high. “Uncle Simon.”
The port glowing deep and strong as blood, Daniel’s arm and Rafe’s holding me snug in place between them, a gust of wind rattling the windows and swaying the cobwebs in the high corners. “To Uncle Simon,” we said, all of us.
* * *
Later, in my room, I sat on the windowsill and went through my various new bits of information. All four of the housemates had deliberately hidden how upset they were, and hidden it well. Abby threw kitchen utensils when she got angry enough; Rafe, at least, somehow blamed Lexie for getting stabbed; Justin had been sure they were going to be arrested; Daniel hadn’t fallen for the coma story. And Rafe had heard Lexie telling him she was coming home, the day before I said yes.
Here’s one of the more disturbing things about working Murder: how little you think about the person who’s been killed. There are some who move into your mind—children, battered pensioners, girls who went clubbing in their sparkly hopeful best and ended the night in bog drains—but mostly the victim is only your starting point; the gold at the end of the rainbow is the killer. It’s scarily easy to slip to the point where the victim becomes incidental, half forgotten for days on end, just a prop wheeled out for the prologue so that the real show can start. Rob and I used to stick a photo smack in the middle of the whiteboard, on every case—not a crime-scene shot or a posed portrait; a snapshot, the candidest candid we could find, a bright snippet from the time when this person was something more than a murder victim—to keep us reminded.
This isn’t just callousness, or self-preservation. The cold fact is that every murder I’ve worked was about the killer. The victim—and imagine explaining this to families who have nothing left but the hope of a reason—the victim was just the person who happened to wander into the sights when the gun was loaded and cocked. The control freak was always going to kill his wife the first time she refused to follow orders; your daughter happened to be the one who married him. The mugger was hanging around the alleyway with a knife, and your husband happened to be the next person who walked by. We go through victims’ lives with a fine-tooth comb, but we’re doing it to learn more not about them but about the murderer: if we can figure out the exact point where someone walked into those crosshairs, we can go to work with our dark, stained geometries and draw a line straight back to the barrel of the gun. The victim can tell us how, but almost never why. The only reason, the beginning and the end, the closed circle, is the killer.
This case had been different from the first moment. I had never been in any danger of forgetting about Lexie; and not j
ust because I carried the reminder photo around with me, there every time I brushed my teeth or washed my hands. From the second I walked into that cottage, before I ever saw her face, this had been about her. For the first time ever, the murderer was the one I kept forgetting.
The possibility hit me like a wrecking ball: suicide. I felt like I had fallen off the windowsill, straight through the glass and down into cold air. If this killer had never been anything but invisible, if Lexie had been the core of the case all along, maybe it was because there had never been a killer at all: she was all there was. In that split second I saw it as clearly as if it were unfolding on the dark lawn below me, in all its slow sickening horror. The others putting away the cards and stretching, Where’s Lexie got to? And then the worry winding tighter and tighter, till finally they put on coats and went out into the night to look for her, torches, rain gusting hard, Lexie! Lex! The four of them crammed in the wrecked cottage, gasping for breath. Shaking hands feeling for a pulse, pressing harder; moving her into shelter and laying her out so gently, reaching for the knife, fumbling in her pockets for some note, some explanation, some word. Maybe—Jesus—maybe they had even found one.
A moment later, of course, my head cleared, my breath came back and I knew that was rubbish. It would explain a lot—Rafe’s snit fit, Daniel’s suspicions, Justin’s nerves, the moved body, the searched pockets—and we’ve all heard about cases where people staged everything from improbable accidents through murders, rather than let their loved ones be branded as suicides. But I couldn’t think of a single reason why they would have left her there all night for someone else to find, and anyway women generally don’t commit suicide by knifing themselves in the chest. And, above all that, there was the immovable fact that Lexie—even if whatever went down in March had somehow wrecked all this for her, this house, these friends, this life—was about the last person in the world who would have killed herself. Suicides are people who can’t see any other way out. From what we had learned, Lexie had had no trouble finding escape routes when she wanted them.
Downstairs Abby was humming to herself; Justin sneezed, a chain of small fastidious yelps; someone slammed a drawer. I was in bed and halfway asleep when I realized: I had forgotten all about ringing Sam.
8
God, that first week. Even thinking about it I want to bite into it like the world’s brightest red apple. In the middle of an all-out murder investigation, while Sam worked his way painstakingly through various shades of scumbag and Frank tried to explain our situation to the FBI without coming across like a lunatic, there was nothing I was supposed to be doing except living Lexie’s life. It gave me a gleeful, lazy, daring feeling right down to my toes, like mitching off school when it’s the best day of spring and you know your class has to dissect frogs.
On Tuesday I went back to college. In spite of the vast number of new opportunities to fuck up, I was looking forward to it. I loved Trinity, the first time round. It still has its centuries of graceful gray stone, red brick, cobblestones; you can feel the layers on layers of lost students streaming through Front Square beside you, feel the print of you being added to the air, archived, saved. If someone hadn’t decided to drive me out of college, I might have turned into an eternal student like these four. Instead—and probably because of that same person—I turned into a cop. I liked the thought that this had brought me full circle, back to reclaim the place I’d lost. It felt like a strange, delayed victory, something salvaged against ridiculous odds.
“You should probably know,” Abby said, in the car, “the rumor mill’s been going mental. Apparently it was a major coke deal gone wrong, also an illegal immigrant—you married him for money and then started blackmailing him—also an abusive ex-boyfriend who just got out of jail for beating you up. Brace yourself.”
“Also, I assume,” Daniel said, maneuvering past an Explorer that was blocking two lanes, “all of us, singly or in various combinations and for various motives. No one’s said so to our faces, of course, but the inference is inevitable. ” He swung into the entrance of the Trinity car park and held up his ID for the security guard. “If people ask questions, what are you going to tell them?”
“I haven’t decided yet,” I said. “I was thinking about saying I’m the lost heir to some throne and a rival faction came after me, but I couldn’t decide which throne. Do I look like a Romanov?”
“Definitely,” said Rafe. “They were a bunch of chinless weirdos. Go for that.”
“Be nice to me or I’ll tell everyone you came after me with a cleaver in a drug-fueled rage.”
“It’s not funny,” said Justin. He hadn’t brought his car—I got the sense they all wanted to stick close together, just now—so he was in the back with me and Rafe, rubbing flecks of dirt off the windowpane and wiping his fingers on his handkerchief.
“Well,” said Abby, “it wasn’t funny last week, no. But now that you’re back . . .” She turned to grin at me, over her shoulder. “Four-Boobs Brenda asked me—you know that horrible confidential whisper?—if it was ‘one of those games gone wrong.’ I just froze her out, but now I’m thinking I could have made her day.”
“What amazes me about her,” Daniel said, opening his door, “is that she’s so determined to believe we’re wildly interesting. If only she knew.”
When we got out of the car I got my first real look at what Frank had meant about these four, how they came across to outsiders. As we walked down the long avenue between the sports fields something happened, a change as subtle and definite as water turning to ice: they moved closer, shoulder to shoulder and in step, backs straightening, heads lifting, expressions falling away from their faces. By the time we reached the Arts block the façade was in place, a barricade so impenetrable you could almost see it, cool and glinting like diamond. All that week in college, every time someone started angling for a good stare at me—edging down the library shelves towards the corner where we had our carrels, rubbernecking round a newspaper in the tea queue—that barricade swung around like a Roman shield formation, confronting the intruder with four pairs of impassive, unblinking eyes, till he or she backed off. Collecting gossip was going to be a major problem; even Four-Boobs Brenda stopped midbreath, hovering over my desk, and then asked if she could borrow a pen.
Lexie’s thesis turned out to be a lot more fun than I’d thought. The bits Frank had given me were mainly stuff about the Brontës, Currer Bell as the madwoman in the attic bursting free from demure Charlotte, truth in alias; not exactly comfortable reading, in the circumstances, but more or less what you’d expect. What she’d been working on just before she died was a lot snazzier: Rip Corelli, of She Dressed to Kill fame, turned out to be Bernice Matlock, a librarian from Ohio who had led a blameless life and written lurid pulp masterpieces in her spare time. I was starting to like the way Lexie’s mind had worked.
I’d been worried that her supervisor would want me to come up with something that made academic sense—Lexie had been no idiot, her stuff was smart and original and well thought out, and I was years out of practice. I’d been worried about her supervisor all round, actually. Her tutorial students weren’t going to spot the difference—when you’re eighteen, most people over twenty-five are just generic adult white noise—but someone who’d spent one-on-one time with her was a whole different story. One meeting with him reassured me. He was a bony, gentle, disconnected guy who was so paralyzed by the whole “unfortunate incident” that he could barely look me in the eye, and he told me to take all the recovery time I needed and not to worry about dead-lines. I figured I could handle a few weeks curled up in the library reading about hard-boiled PIs and dames who were nothing but trouble.
And in the evenings there was the house. We put some work into it almost every day, maybe for an hour or two, maybe just for twenty minutes: sand down the stairs, sort through a box from Uncle Simon’s stash, take turns climbing the stepladder to change the ancient brittle fittings on the lightbulbs. The crappiest jobs—scrubbing stain
s off the toilets—got the same time and care as the interesting ones; the four of them treated the house like some marvelous musical instrument, a Stradivarius or a Bösendorfer, that they had found in a long-lost treasure trove and were restoring with patient, enchanted, absolute love. I think the most relaxed I ever saw Daniel was flat on his stomach on the kitchen floor, wearing battered old trousers and a plaid shirt, painting baseboards and laughing at some story Rafe was telling, while Abby leaned over him to dip her brush, her ponytail whisking paint across his cheek.
They were very tactile, all of them. We never touched in college, but at home, someone was always touching someone: Daniel’s hand on Abby’s head as he passed behind her chair, Rafe’s arm on Justin’s shoulder as they examined some spare-room discovery together, Abby lying back in the swing seat across my lap and Justin’s, Rafe’s ankles crossed over mine as we read by the fire. Frank made predictable snide noises about homosexuality and orgies, but I was on full alert for any kind of sexual vibe—the baby—and that wasn’t what I was picking up. It was stranger and more powerful than that: they didn’t have boundaries, not among themselves, not the way most people do. Your average house share involves a pretty high level of territorial dispute—tense negotiations over the remote control, house meetings about whether bread counts as personal or shared, Rob’s flatmate used to have a three-day snit fit if he used her butter. But these people: as far as I could tell, everything, except thank God underwear, belonged to all of them. The guys pulled clothes out of the airing cupboard at random, anything that would fit; I never did figure out which tops were officially Lexie’s and which ones were Abby’s. They ripped sheets of paper out of each other’s notepads, ate toast off the nearest plate, took sips out of whatever glass was handy.