Page 14 of Running Back


  “You didn’t want to dance with him. ”

  I couldn’t help it. A smile burst out of me and I reached out      to touch his cheek. “Aw, cute. He made you jealous. ”

  He glared at me. “I am not jealous of Paul and the chip on his      shoulder. ”

  I tried to wipe the amusement off my face. “Right. No. My      mistake. ”

  Beyond Mike’s shoulder, I could see Paul turning to Lauren, a      sly smile on his face. Whoa. He had totally just out manipulated all of us.      Respect bloomed. “I think he just did that so he could get you out of the way      before asking Lauren. ”

  “What?” Mike stopped dancing and      spun me around so he could face the two of them.

  I laughed even as I stumbled. “What did you think would      happen?”

  His head tilted as he scanned the crowd. “Where did they      go?”

  “Calm down. Your sister is a big girl. I’m sure she can handle      herself. ”

  He scowled at me. “You worry too much about some things and not      enough about others. ”

  I smiled and leaned my head against his chest. “Maybe. ”

  The two men started in on “Whiskey on the Jar,” an old Irish      song that had somehow ended up in my music collection as a fifteen year old.      Probably from my dad’s Thin Lizzy CD. Warmth seeped into me, followed by a slow      tide of comfort and safety. I felt the solidness of Mike’s chest before me and      the strength of the arms that encircled me, and I wanted to stay wrapped away      with him, just like this, forever.

  His words sounded like they’d come from far away. “You know      what’s strange? You could have come here all by yourself. You have met the      village, and seen the gravestones, and Kilkarten, and the cliff top on the      coastal path. And I never would have. ”

  I stared up at him. In my mind, my heart, Mike had become      utterly entwined with Kilkarten. He was right, though. If Patrick hadn’t died,      Mike and I would never have met.

  I couldn’t imagine being here without Mike.

  And for the first time, I truly regretted Patrick’s passing.      Not because I wished I’d never met Mike, but because I was so, so happy I had.      Gratitude and guilt stirred within me. How many other ways it could have gone. I      could have been three seasons into an excavation before Mike came to Ireland.      What would that have been like? Would I have liked him so much then? If I hadn’t      needed him to sign the papers and he hadn’t distrusted me and his friend Rachael      hadn’t liked to matchmake, we could have met like two ordinary people and      grabbed a drink in a bar. I bet it would have been wonderful—we had the same      sense of humor, the same mentality about life—we ran on the same frequency.

  But maybe we would have had our drinks and our fun and gone our      separate ways after a while, passing with smiling masks like shallow and      pleasant neighbors, who never bothered to see past the veneer. We never would      have torn off those masks and opened old wounds if we hadn’t been forced.

  We danced through three more songs, until I spotted Kate,      sitting at a table with Maggie and several other adults.

  “It has to be weird for her. ”

  “Hmm?”

  “Your mom. All these people she doesn’t know, but who knew her      husband before she did. Like meeting characters out of a fairytale. They weren’t      supposed to exist. ” I slowed to a stop. “You should ask her to dance. ”

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  “You don’t mind?”

  I smiled. “I can always ask Paul. ”

  He narrowed his eyes. “You’re hilarious. ”

  I laughed and handed him off to his mother, whose face lit up.      I dropped down at the bar next to Lauren, whose hair poofed out like a cartoon      character’s. “I thought you were dancing with Paul. ”

  She snickered and took a sip of her drink. “Yeah. Verbally.      Mentally. Think he hates all of us. ” She thumped her beer down on the counter      and looked directly at me. “But I like you. You’re good for Mike. ”

  Was I?

  “But he’s still sometimes too much, you know? Like earlier.      It’s not his land. So I was thinking. ”

  A touch of unease crawled up my spine. I turned so I could see      Mike. He was smiling at his mother, and I saw her laugh. I wasn’t sure I’d ever      seen Kate O’Connor laugh. “Oh?”

  “I was thinking. . . You can dig Kilkarten. ”

  A thousand needles pricked my body and I swung back in her      direction. “Wait, what?”

  “Anna and I talked it over. If there’s some lost city there, we      want it uncovered. ”

  I gaped at her. “But. . . I thought it wasn’t a democracy. ”

  One of her brow’s winged up. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Just. . . Have you talked to Mike? I thought all three of you      had to agree. ”

  “Oh, yeah, that. Well, it is a democracy. It’s not Mike’s      decision. ”

  My heart seemed to be pounding at twice its normal pace. “You      can’t make him sign. ”

  She smiled. “Oh, yes, I can. ” She raised an arm and hollered      over the pub’s noise. “Mike! Get over here!”

  My head whirled even as every second passed in slow motion. I      charted Mike’s path toward us with each step he took.

  Lauren and Anna wanted me to excavate Kilkarten.

  I could see the whole future spread out, a future I’d turned      off months ago when Mike first refused to sign. I could see the dig, the      discovery, the report. The articles in journals, the news segment I’d dreamed up      for mainstream media.

  And then I heard Mike’s voice in my head, saying he would never      let me excavate Kilkarten, because of “personal reasons. ”

  Now the real Mike stopped before us, beer in hand, smile on his      face. His gaze kept touching mine. “What’s up?”

  I placed my hand on Lauren’s arm. My voice came out faint.      “Lauren, I’m not sure this is a good idea. ”

  Mike looked back and forth between us. “What’s not a good      idea?”

  Lauren pushed off her bar stool. “Natalie’s excavating      Kilkarten. ”

  Mike swung a surprised look my way. “No, she isn’t. ”

  Lauren crossed her arms. “Yeah. She is. ”

  Mike looked at me. “What’s she talking about? You can’t      dig. ”

  “That’s right. ” My head felt like it was floating off. “You      said that. But I don’t know why not. ”

  He stared at me. “Because. ”

  I beseeched him with my gaze. Because why?

  Lauren’s voice was unyielding. “Mike, you’ve been saying      ‘because’ since I was fifteen. It’s not going to cut it anymore. ”

  “Dammit, Lauren!”

  Several people looked our way. Anna caught sight of us and      hurried over. “What’s going on?”

  Mike’s jaw and fists clenched. “I’m not having this      conversation here. ” He turned and walked out the door.

  Lauren’s mouth fell open and then tightened into a white line,      and she strode after her brother with clenched fists. Wide-eyed Anna followed in      her wake.

  I hesitated a moment before also pushing out through the heavy      wooden door. While the pub stayed brightly lit, mist hung throughout the rest of      the village, and when we stepped onto the path leading back to the inn, the      white fog faded out the swaying cypresses and the sea. Goosebumps rose on my      exposed skin.

  Ahead of me, Lauren caught up with her brother’s longer      strides. “You can’t just walk away from this conv
ersation. ”

  He stopped abruptly and turned back on her, crossing his arms.      “It’s not going to happen. ”

  Lauren mirrored him. “Oh, yes it is. ”

  “It’s not your choice to make. ”

  She scoffed. “And who made it yours? Or do you think you have      more sway than the two of us? Because I’m pretty sure Anna and I are also on the      deed. ”

  “Nothing happens to the land unless all three of us agree. ”

  “Or unless we vote. ”

  Mike’s voice shot up. “This isn’t a fucking democracy!”

  Lauren’s fury matched her brother’s. “Yeah? I don’t know why      you think your say carries more weight in this family than mine and Anna’s.      You’re barely even here. You don’t know what this      family is—”

  Mike’s eyes narrowed into slits. “I have always been there for you. ”

  “What, with money? Since when is      that a cure all? Can you plaster green paper over broken hearts or use it for      company? Do enough zeroes cure loneliness, or keep your sister in school, or      your mother from depression?”

  Mike spun around. “I did what I had to do to keep us going!      Where were you when Dad died? Were you making arrangements and comforting Mom      and finding out about gravestones and life insurance? No, you were crying in      your room!”

  Her eyes widened and her face turned splotchy. “You still want      credit from ten years ago? I was fourteen!”

  My head whipped back and forth as they shouted, but at this      point Lauren stormed off. Anna stopped long enough to hiss “Good fucking job” at      her brother, before running after Lauren.

  We stood alone on the hill. “I’m sorry. ” The fog swallowed my      words, and I tried again. “I’m sorry. I—I didn’t realize this would happen.

  He said nothing.

  “So. . . what happens now?”

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  He turned to me with a twisted smile. “Why? Want to know if      your dig’s actually going through?”

  “Mike. ” I took a step closer. “That’s not what I meant. ”

  He took a deep breath and pushed his hands through his hair. “I      don’t know. Do I screw up our family forever by refusing to allow the      excavation? Or do I sign, and then risk. . . ”

  “Risk what?” I asked, when he      didn’t go on. “Mike, what’s so wrong with digging at Kilkarten?”

  He pinched the skin between his fingers, furrowed his brow and      breathed out. His lips parted as he began to say something. I held my      breath.

  And then he paused and the wrinkles on his forehead      disappeared. His eyes widened and focused on me. “There’s one other way. ”

  I shook my head, not following him.

  “You could tell Lauren you’re no longer interested. Then it      doesn’t matter whether I sign or not. ”

  My stomach fell away. “But—then I have no chance at excavating      Kilkarten. ”

  “You never had a chance at it. ”

  “No, I didn’t, not in the beginning—but now I do. ”

  We faced off, that awful truth between us.

  His jaw tightened. “And if I said I wouldn’t sign? That you’re      still not going to excavate, so it doesn’t matter one way or the other?”

  “But that’s the thing. ” My voice floated out, and I felt like      the words and thoughts were detached from me emotionally. “You would sign.      Because you don’t want your family to hate you. ”

  He took a step forward. “Do you want to put me in that      position?”

  I shook my head slowly, feeling like I was in a dream. Or a      nightmare. “No. But that was always the reason. That was always why I came to Ireland. ”

  “Natalie—”

  “Don’t. ” I took a step back and my hands came up. “Just—I need      to think. I just need a minute to think. ”

  So for the first time since that night that at the dolmen, we      slept in our own rooms. Or didn’t sleep. Instead, I tossed and turned for hours.      After midnight, Mike knocked. I sat up, gathering the blankets to me and      shivering. The moon hung low and large in the sky. I didn’t answer.

  Instead, I lay back down in the dark and watched the moonlight      slide across the ceiling. My heart didn’t stop beating. I thought about writing      to Jeremy or Skyping Cam or my mom, but this had to be my decision.

  I just had no idea what the right choice would be.

  I didn’t know how you made that decision.

  * * *

  I felt like I’d barely closed my eyes before I was awake      again.

  I still didn’t have an answer, but I knocked on Mike’s door      anyway. I needed to talk to him about this. Or at least see him.

  But he didn’t answer. I didn’t find him downstairs, either. So      I pulled on my running gear, ran through my stretches and headed outside. The      mist hung over the hills, fading out the swaying Cypresses and the sea, and      raising goosebumps on my arms and bare legs. I took a deep breath, filling my      lungs with the fresh, grassy air, and started jogging. I’d be warm soon.

  But I’d barely started when I saw a figure obscured by the      fog.

  It was Lauren, coming in from the path to the village. She      still wore last night’s black dress, her hair piled up in a messy bun. My mouth      parted. “Oh. ”

  She flushed furiously and lifted her chin. “I was out for a      walk. ”

  Hey, if that was her story I wouldn’t challenge it. “Sure. I’m      just. . . going for a run. ”

  I couldn’t help it. My mouth quirked and a snort slipped      out.

  She scowled at me. “What?’

  I shook my head.

  She jutted out her chin. “Go on, ask. ”

  I didn’t really need to ask. “You slept with Paul last      night?”

  She stared at me, and then she laughed until she pressed her      hand to her head. “Yes. ” She fished a clip from her purse and put up her curls.      “It’s not that weird, is it?”

  “No. I mean. . . you’re not that      related. ”

  “Oh, God. ”

  I smiled wryly.

  She let out a breath. “So, did Mike calm down?”

  “Um. That’s something we’ll probably have to talk about later.      I haven’t really talked to him since last night. ”

  She made a face. “I sort of forgot that this might, uh, have      ramifications for you too. ”

  She didn’t know the half of it.

  Actually, maybe she did. His whole family seemed to think we      were a thing. “Hey—I just wanted to say, Mike really does care about all of you.      And I don’t think it’s fair to say he isn’t trying, because he loves you      all. ”

  “How can you defend him after you just—figuratively—stuck a      knife in his back?”

  Now, that was a bad analogy. Much      too strong. Besides— “You were standing right there, Longinus. ”

  “What?”

  “Um. Longinus? One of Brutus’s co-conspirers. Helped him      assassinate Julius Caesar?”

  She snorted, and then it dissolved into helpless laughed. “I’m      surrounded by crazy people. ”

  They didn’t let you into grad school unless you were crazy. “I      guess, because even though I’m, um, clearly in Mike’s bad grace’s right now—I      really like him. ”

  Lauren shook her head. “You’re even more screwed than I      am. ”

  “Trust me. ” I stared out at the hills. “I know. ”

  * * *

  When I came to the coast, I stopped. I stared out at t
he      water, watching the waves roll in from the south, white crests so far below they      appeared as pencil lines. I could understand where the fair folk came from when      I stood here, in a small corner of the world where humans seemed foreign and      strange and unnecessary. I closed my eyes, breathing in the salt and sea, the      coolness of rain on the way and freshness of wind combing through the      grasses.

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  I needed to let it all go.

  “Nice view. ”

  I spun around. Mike stood there in running shorts and a Notre      Dame sweatshirt. My chest spiked and swooped, unprepared and defenseless, and      the raw emotion jolted straight through my body. My voice came out uneven. “I      thought I might find you here. ”

  He fit here, in this wild place. This man who played by rules      and regulations, who wore the same outfit as dozens of others, who was almost      indistinguishable on the field with his gleaming hair hidden away. Here, he      looked like an elemental part of the landscape.

  He shrugged and walked up to the edge of the bluff.

  I could have Kilkarten. Mike would sign, I knew he would. I      could have everything I’d worked for these past six years. I could have      Ivernis.

  He was asking me to choose him over Kilkarten.

  How could I choose him over my work?

  My chest felt light and heavy all at once. A bubble formed      inside it, too much oxygen, and my blood raced until my skin tingled and my      thoughts flew in every direction. I tried to keep my breathing from escalating,      but instead ended up taking lots of short, quick breaths.

  I could hear the rush of the ocean, but it didn’t drown out his      slow, steady footsteps behind me. I closed my eyes and breathed in the salt and      earth. I licked my lips. “Okay. ”

  “What?”

  I forced myself to turn, and I spread my hands. The wind      whipped his hair into a maddened mess, and his eyes shone like polished      bronze.

  I swallowed. I felt sick and hollow. “Okay. I. . . withdraw my      request. ” It took everything in me to say that, and even so, a large part of me      wanted to suck the words back in, to disavow them.

  He searched my eyes. For once, there was no mask at all, no      charm or stone, just a strange vulnerability. “Really?”

  I nodded, hands squeezing my opposite elbows as I hugged my      arms to myself. “I promise. ”