The arm belonged to Louis, the yard teacher.
“Can I play?” asked Louis. His mustache had grown back completely.
“Sure!” all three Erics said together.
“What do I have to do?” asked Louis.
“Just see how high up against the school you can throw it,” said Eric Fry.
Louis gripped the ball tightly in his hand. He reached way back, then let it fly.
“Wowww!” the three Erics said together as they watched the ball soar up in the air.
It hit up above the eighth-story window; then Louis caught his own rebound.
“Sixteen points!” said Eric Bacon.
“Throw it again, Louis,” said Eric Ovens.
Now that Louis was playing, lots of kids from all over the playground came to play too.
Louis threw the ball way high up. It hit above the eleventh story, then bounced back over everyone’s head.
There was a mad scramble for the ball. Bebe finally came up with it.
“Give it to Louis,” said Eric Ovens.
“No, let Bebe throw it,” said Louis, who always tried to be fair.
Bebe threw a two-pointer.
Jason caught the rebound. “You want to throw it, Louis?” he asked.
“No, you go ahead,” said Louis.
Jason threw a glopper.
A glopper is when the ball goes straight up in the air and comes down without touching the building.
Eric Bacon caught it. “Here, Louis,” he said.
“No, you throw it,” said Louis.
“But you can throw it so much higher,” said Eric B.
“We want to see how high you can throw it, Louis,” said Leslie.
“C’mon, Louis!” everyone urged.
Louis shook his head. “The game is for you kids, not for me.”
“Miss Nogard is watching,” said Bebe slyly.
Louis glanced at Miss Nogard, who was standing just outside the front door. “Give me the ball,” he said.
The kids cheered.
Louis reached way down, almost to the ground, then hurled it up with all his might.
The ball reached the fifteenth floor, halfway up the school!
“Wow!” everyone said together.
“I got it,” called Terrence as he circled under the ball, waiting for it to come down. His knees wobbled.
The ball bounced off his face. “Cool,” he said as blood flowed out of his nose.
“That was a world’s record, Louis!” exclaimed Eric Ovens.
Louis smiled proudly. He turned to look at Miss Nogard, but she had already gone inside.
“You like Miss Nogard, don’t you?” asked Bebe.
“She seems like a nice person,” said Louis.
“She’s pretty too,” said Eric Bacon as he nudged Louis in the side.
“Well, she is kind of cute,” Louis admitted.
“Oooooh,” said Joy.
“But do you love her?” asked Jenny.
Everyone giggled. Louis’s red face got even redder.
“You should ask her out on a date,” said Eric Fry.
“No, I don’t think that’s a very good idea,” said Louis.
“Why not?” asked Eric Ovens. “I think you two would make a real cute couple.”
“Bring her flowers,” said Dana.
“Buy her candy,” said Maurecia.
“Tell her she’s got eyes like the moon,” said Bebe.
“Eyes like the moon?” asked Louis.
“Girls love it when you tell them that,” said Bebe.
“Forget that gushy stuff,” said Eric Bacon. “Just walk right up to her and say, ‘Hey, baby! How about a date?’ ”
“Just like that?” asked Louis.
“This is what you do,” said Terrence. “You take her to a real scary movie. And then at the scary part, you put your arm around her.”
“Ooooh,” said Dana and Jenny.
“No, take her dancing,” said Myron. “And hold her real close.”
“Ooooooh,” said the three Erics.
Louis laughed. “You kids are crazy,” he said.
“You’re scared of her, aren’t you?” asked Eric Bacon.
“You shouldn’t be scared,” said Eric Ovens. “You’re bigger and stronger and faster than anyone on the playground.”
“And you’ve got the best mustache too,” said Eric Fry.
“I’m not afraid of her,” Louis tried to explain. “It’s just—” He looked up at the very tall school. “Miss Nogard is way-high-up there, and I’m way-down-low here. You’ll understand someday when you’re older.”
He picked up the ball and threw it way high up. It hit somewhere between the eighteenth and twentieth story.
And never came down.
There was no nineteenth story.
g
Chapter 28
Flowers for a Very Special Person
Of course Miss Nogard knew all about Louis. The children’s brains were buzzing about him.
Louis likes Miss Nogard, thought Stephen.
Louis is in love with Miss Nogard, thought Todd.
Louis wants to marry Miss Nogard, thought Sharie.
But even if she couldn’t listen to their brains, she would have found out anyway. “Louis, the yard teacher, is madly in love with you,” said Jenny.
“Oh, really?” said Miss Nogard.
“He dreams about you every night,” said Calvin.
“He thinks your eyes are like the moon,” said Bebe.
Miss Nogard smiled.
“Do you like him?” asked Jenny.
“He’s kind of cute,” said Miss Nogard.
“Ooooh,” Bebe and Calvin said together.
“What about his mustache?” asked Jenny. “Do you like his mustache?”
Miss Nogard thought a moment. “It would probably tickle if he kissed me.”
The children gasped as their mouths fell open.
They returned to their desks and told everyone around them what Miss Nogard said.
Miss Nogard smiled. She wondered just how she’d break Louis’s heart.
Ever since Xavier broke her heart, she’d become an expert at breaking other people’s. She listened to men’s brains and knew just what to say to make them fall in love with her.
And then she knew just the right thing to say, at just the right moment, to shatter their hearts into a million pieces. Even the biggest and strongest man would cry like a baby.
She was incapable of love. Her heart was clogged with bitterness and hate. And besides, she knew no one would ever love someone with three ears.
For just a second she felt a pang of sadness. Because she really did think Louis was kind of cute. Like a puppy dog.
She could almost feel the tickle of his mustache.
g
“Miss Nogard thinks you’re cute,” Jenny told Louis at recess.
“She’s hot for you, Louis!” said Mac.
“She wants to kiss you!” said Bebe.
“C’mon, let’s play kickball,” said Louis.
They played kickball, but it was weird. Louis, who was probably the best kickball player ever, did terribly. He tripped over the ball when he tried to kick it. And when Terrence kicked a pop-up, Louis tried to catch it, but the ball bounced off his head.
“What’s wrong with Louis?” asked Ron. “Is he sick or something?”
“Yes,” said Jenny. “He’s got a real bad disease. And it’s spelled L-O-V-E.”
g
The next morning Louis came to school with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
Jenny saw him. “Are those for Miss Nogard?” s
he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Louis. “I passed a field of wildflowers on the way to school. I thought I might give them to someone special.” He winked at her.
He headed toward the school building. Jenny followed.
“Oooh, flowers!” said Bebe.
“Are you going to give them to Miss Nogard?” asked Calvin.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Louis. “I think she might have a pretty face, I mean vase.”
Calvin and Bebe followed along with Jenny.
Louis entered the building.
Miss Nogard was in the office. She was getting her mail from her box. Her back was to him.
Louis froze.
“Go on, Louis,” urged Jenny.
But Louis just stood there. The flowers rattled in his shaky hand, and several petals fell to the floor.
Mr. Kidswatter came out of his office. “Good morning, Louis,” he said. “What have you got there?”
“Uh, these are for you,” said Louis. He thrust the flowers into Mr. Kidswatter’s hand.
“They’re lovely!” said Mr. Kidswatter.
Miss Nogard turned around. “Those are very pretty, Mr. Kidswatter,” she said, then headed up the stairs.
Louis watched her go.
“No one’s ever brought me flowers before,” said Mr. Kidswatter. “You may not believe this, Louis, but I don’t have many friends.” He put his hand on Louis’s shoulder. “You’re like a son to me,” he said.
“And you’re a maggot-infested string bean,” muttered Louis.
“What?” asked Mr. K.
“I said, you’re a magnificent human being.”
g
g
Chapter 29
Stupid
“Did anyone have any trouble with the homework?” asked Miss Nogard.
They all shook their heads.
Ron shook his head too. Homework? he thought. What homework?
“Good,” said Miss Nogard. “Well, in that case, there won’t be any homework tonight.”
Everyone cheered.
“Let’s just quickly go over the answers,” she said. “Ron, what was your answer to question one?”
Ron’s stomach flipped over. He fumbled with his notebook. “Uh, just a second,” he said.
“That’s okay, we’ll wait,” said Miss Nogard.
Ron flipped through the pages. “What question are we on?” he asked.
“Question one,” said Miss Nogard.
“Um, I couldn’t get that one,” said Ron.
“Oh,” said Miss Nogard. “Well, that’s okay, Ron. As long as you tried. Who knows the answer to question one?”
A handful of hands went up in the air.
Seven lima beans, thought Jason.
Seven lima beans, thought Rondi.
Six cucumbers, thought Deedee.
Seven lima beans, thought Stephen.
Miss Nogard called on Deedee.
“Six cucumbers,” Deedee said proudly.
“No, I’m sorry,” said Miss Nogard. “The answer was seven lima beans.”
Ooh, I had that! thought Jason.
She should have called on me! thought Rondi.
Deedee is stupid, thought Stephen.
“Okay, question two,” said Miss Nogard. “Ron, did you get that one?”
Ron squirmed in his seat. He flipped through his papers. “What question are we on?” he asked.
“Question two,” said Miss Nogard.
“Uh, I couldn’t get that one either,” said Ron.
Miss Nogard looked at him a moment. “Okay, who knows the answer to question two?”
Abraham Lincoln’s hat, thought Todd.
Abraham Lincoln’s hat, thought Joy.
Abraham Lincoln’s hat, thought Bebe.
George Washington’s left shoe, thought Calvin.
“Yes, Calvin,” said Miss Nogard.
“George Washington’s left shoe!” said Calvin.
“No, I’m sorry,” said Miss Nogard. “The answer was Abraham Lincoln’s hat.”
I knew it! thought Todd.
Calvin’s stupid, thought Joy.
“Ron, did you get the answer to number three?” asked Miss Nogard.
Ron shook his sorry little head. He wished he had just told her the truth, but now it was too late.
“Anyone?” asked Miss Nogard.
Chairs and bears, thought Benjamin.
Coats and goats, thought D.J.
Chairs and bears, thought Mac.
Chairs and bears, thought Deedee.
Miss Nogard called on D.J.
“Coats and goats?” he said hopefully.
“No, chairs and bears,” said Miss Nogard.
What an idiot! thought Benjamin.
“Question four,” said Miss Nogard. “Ron?” … And so it went. Miss Nogard went through the entire homework assignment, and nobody gave a correct answer.
“I’m very disappointed,” she said when they were finished. “You obviously didn’t understand it. So I’m afraid I’m going to have to assign homework tonight after all.”
Everyone groaned.
“I don’t like it any better than you do,” said Miss Nogard. “But it’s for your own good.”
She assigned three pages of homework, plus they had to do yesterday’s homework over again as well.
But nobody blamed Miss Nogard. They liked her! She didn’t even want to give homework.
They blamed each other.
It’s not fair! thought Benjamin. I only missed one problem. But I have to do extra homework because everyone else is so stupid!
It was the same all around the room. Nobody missed more than two problems. Everyone thought everyone else was stupid!
Miss Nogard smiled as she listened to their thoughts.
I hate Joe! thought John.
I hate Calvin! thought Bebe.
I hate Joy! thought Maurecia.
I hate Allison! thought Rondi.
And everyone hated Ron.
g
Chapter 30
The Little Stranger
Wayside School was no fun anymore.
“Hey, out of my way, buster!” said Deedee as she pushed past Ron on her way to her seat.
“Hey, keep your hairy paws to yourself!” said Ron.
Nobody had any friends. Everybody hated everybody — except Miss Nogard. They all liked her.
But then a miracle happened.
A new kid came to school.
The new kid couldn’t talk. She had no teeth. She was almost bald.
She was beautiful.
Her name was Mavis Jewls. She was only four days old.
She really was a new kid.
Mrs. Jewls carried her into the classroom.
And when the baby came through the door, all the hate flew out the window.
Louis came in behind them carrying a bassinet, a diaper bag, an assortment of toys, and a baby bottle.
“It’s Mrs. Jewls and her baby!” Todd exclaimed.
Louis set the bassinet on Todd’s desk. Mrs. Jewls gently laid her baby down in it, on soft yellow blankets.
Everyone crowded around the little stranger.
“Look at her totally tiny toes!” Bebe squealed. “Aren’t those the cutest things you’ve ever seen in your whole life?”
“Check out her nose!” said Myron.
“Oh, she’s so beautiful, Mrs. Jewls,” said Joy. “Can I touch her?”
“Sure,” said Mrs. Jewls.
They took turns touching the baby.
“Goo-goo, goo-goo,” said Mac as he gently shook Mav
is’s little hand.
“Iggle wiggle poo poo,” said Allison, tapping her on the nose.
“Iggle wiggle poo poo poo,” said Rondi, tickling her foot.
“Yibble bibble,” said Todd.
“Ooh goo boo boo,” cooed Joe.
“She’s never going to learn to talk around you kids,” said Mrs. Jewls with a laugh.
Dana was so happy she cried. She hugged Mrs. Jewls.
They all took turns hugging Mrs. Jewls.
Of course, there was one person who wasn’t happy. “May I hold her, Mrs. Jewls?” Miss Nogard asked sweetly.
Mrs. Jewls looked at the substitute teacher.
“It’s okay,” said Allison. “Miss Nogard’s a real nice teacher.”
“Sure, go ahead,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’m sorry for interrupting your class like this.”
“Oh, that’s quite all right,” said Miss Nogard, picking up Mrs. Jewls’s baby. “She’s just adorable.”
The window by Sharie’s desk was wide open. That’s kind of dangerous, Miss Nogard realized. Somebody might accidentally drop something out the window.
She slowly moved toward it as she swayed with the baby. “I’ve heard so much about you, Mrs. Jewls,” she said. “The children have missed you.”
“I’ve missed them too,” said Mrs. Jewls.
There was a rubber-band ball on the floor next to Sharie’s desk. Sharie had been making it, although it wasn’t nearly as big as the one Mr. Kidswatter had been making.
If I tripped over that rubber-band ball, something awful might happen, thought Miss Nogard.
She was just about to step on it, when suddenly she became very curious about the kind of thoughts babies had. She had never listened to a baby’s brain before.
Miss Nogard held Mavis close to her heart and listened … .
She gasped. Her face turned white, and her legs wobbled beneath her. As she tried to get her balance, she stepped on the rubber-band ball and fell toward the open window.
Louis jumped over Sharie’s desk and grabbed her just in time.
Mrs. Jewls hurried over.
Miss Nogard tenderly handed Mrs. Jewls her baby. Then she fainted in Louis’s arms.
It is impossible to describe, in words, exactly what Miss Nogard heard when she listened to Mavis’s brain.