CHAPTER 33
The Order
"Elaina!" It was Cade's voice, the same sweet, beautiful voice she heard in her favorite dreams. It made her resolve shiver like glass under a hammer, but she neither slowed nor turned.
"Elaina wait!" he was running, she could hear his boots on the stones. She loved watching him run, though he had no way of knowing that. She didn't look. Mustn’t look.
He was beside her. Elaina didn't stop, didn't turn to him. If I look at him I’ll break down. All those brand new walls she hadn't finished building around her heart would collapse. Cade reached for her hand. She yanked it free.
Truth, but his hands are warm! Must keep walking. Get back to the camp, hide in the crowd. Distraction. That was what she needed. Can’t think about him. Can’t look .
He stepped in front of her, and his hands on her shoulders brought her to an unwilling halt. Truth damn him.
"What's the matter with you?" She didn't speak. Her heart screamed. How can he ask that? We can never be together, of course you don’t want me anymore. Of course. You wish you were not my Watcher, you never really loved me. You want your beautiful childhood friend. Naturally. I won’t make you say it.
It was breaking her heart to know it, she didn't need to hear it.
What does he expect? I came so close to giving everything . . . If I could have done it, I would have banished that woman. The one thing Hetarth told me never, ever to do. The thing I swore I never would consider. And I would have done it, for him, if I could have.
Her hands shook, and she remembered the little rabbit in the mountains. Truth, I would have done it! And for a man that doesn’t even want me!
She didn't meet his eyes. Those dark, daring, dangerous eyes.
No. Have to focus—control, frozen. Still. Don't wonder why or how or what—just accept it: he wants out. His oath was forced, invalid. He has the right to be free if he wishes to be and he clearly does. How can he want to leave? How can he not!
She knew her thoughts were as wild and scattered as a caged animal's, but that didn't change anything.
"Elaina! Look at me!" She wouldn’t, and he couldn't spare a hand from her shoulders to make her. Half of her wanted to collapse into those arms and not care—surely I love him enough for both of us. The stronger half kept her rigid and distant. There are other things to live for. I don’t know what they are, but there have to be. I was alive before I met him, wasn’t I?
"You can't possibly believe I wanted that witch." The scorn on that last word burned.
Am I not a witch, too? I’m worse, I’m a Guardian! Don’t respond. Mustn’t speak. Her throat was too tight. He'd notice, then he'd laugh that horrible mocking laugh again. The way he laughed when Miranya asked if he loved her.
It was clear he didn't love her anymore, not after seeing how that beautiful woman wanted him, that friend of his childhood, a reminder of home. Certainly not after hearing that our love would destroy us both. Even if we live, even if we win—no marriage, no children, just stuck with a woman who can be neither a wife nor a mother.
The thought made her blush, but there it was. Naturally he wants something else, it just hurts to lose that dream. No, all dreams come to an end. The worst part is waking to find it has never been real. Not ever.
"I had to do things I'm not proud of, Elaina, I had to get you out of there! Don't you understand? I'm your Watcher . . . she wanted to kill you!" he gave her shoulders a shake, stared into her face, waiting.
"I killed her." The words tore from his lips. She ached for him. "With my hands." His voice was a whisper.
It was all she could do not to comfort him. He had to kill his friend, a woman. Because he is linked to me, sworn to protect my life above anything he might wish. How he must hate me for that!
Elaina did not blame him either, couldn't blame him that his hands shook with anger. He never asked for this, never picked me—it is his right to resent it, and I won’t make it worse.
"It was your duty." She said, clearly as she could manage. There. That was not so bad. Ease his pain a little, don't burden him with mine. Just don’t look at him. No. That would be a mistake.
Elaina glanced up. Mistake.
Those deep, dark eyes were glinting. He was stunned, lost, flying to pieces inside.
She looked down. What did you expect? She asked herself. Your horrible existence forced him to kill someone he never should have had to. His being Antralian only made it worse. He has every right to blame you for his suffering. Imagine if you had banished her—that’s what he’s feeling right now. You’re the one who has no right to be falling apart!
But she was. It was an agony of emptiness, a chasm that had split and dropped suddenly, and her world was gone. Instead there was nothing. Nothing but nothing. All because Cade wanted someone else, or anyone else. It was not his fault, and it was not her right to expect anything from him, especially not after Miranya's bit of news.
I have to let him go, let him live his life away from me and what I force him to be. I just don’t know if I can do it. Am I strong enough to send him away? Even if it for his good?
She would have to be convincing, or he would feel honor-bound to stay . . .
Cade walked behind Elaina’s shoulder the whole way back to the encampment. Trevanor and Izak fell in behind them when they passed, but both knew better than to say anything. Elaina never hesitated nor looked back. He didn't know if he could have met her grey-eyed stare.
While they walked, he replayed the last hour in his mind, scrutinizing every choice, every word. After the fourth examination he knew three things. First, other than the obvious refusing the wine or taking guards, I would have done nothing differently. Second, there was no alternative to killing Miranya. Third, I am still a monster for doing it.
Clearly, Elaina agreed with his third conclusion, at least. Cade clenched his jaw against the self-loathing that washed over him. What sort of man kills a woman?
The fact that she was a caster didn't matter. He was ashendari, so the balance of power was the same. Worse, it hadn't been either accidental or a spontaneous reaction to attack. He had known exactly what he would do: give a woman her death instead of the kiss she was expecting.
And true spirits help me, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I am a betrayer of hope, a deceiver of trust, a murderer of women. His own accusations receded sharply into the background when she spun around at the door to her tent to face him.
"You could at least pretend you were sorry." She hissed. Cade closed his eyes against the revulsion in her voice.
"That would be a lie." He never lied to Elaina. No one else could get away with it if she were Truthing, save an ashendari, but he never did.
Tears glistened in her eyes, but her anger burned through them with searing heat. In the instant before she turned her back on him again, Cade saw his face reflected in her eyes.
The face of a monster.
Elaina felt the tears spill over as soon as she turned her back on Cade and fled into the tent. She had known the answer before she'd asked, but hearing him say it was a thousand times worse. The whole walk, all she could see was his dazzling smile, a brighter smile than any he'd ever given her. It was for Miranya.
And he didn't regret it.
Curls of shame seemed to wind their way around her stomach, making her feel ill. Whatever made me think he feels for me? The man was bound to me with no hope of escape—he was just making the best of the worst situation. Cade never loved me. Truth, I am such a fool!
Added to this was the guilt that sapped every muscle of strength until she could no longer pace, but collapsed to the floor in a heap. I’ve stolen his loyalty and used it to make him into someone he loathes. Her brief flashes of anger, of fury that he had made her think he might have cared, made her head ache.
What sort of man gives jewelry to a woman he didn't like? But then, does braided grass even count? Little girls make more substantial daisy-chains! But Miranya said . . . Elaina fingered the bracel
et, her teeth clenched. He was trying to do the honorable thing, that’s all.
The only reason he'd done any of it was because he had to, had sworn to, was bound to by the Link. He was just trying to make the best of the life he was stuck with. Nothing else. She was a fool for thinking otherwise. Half of her wanted him to stay, to make him hers even if he didn't want to be. Time and oath were on her side—perhaps one day . . .
The other half didn't want to be reminded that she was a jailer every time she saw him. Even if time did change his mind, it was still time bought with the Link, with an oath made by a hostage—unfair and untrue. Closing her eyes, Elaina slipped the bracelet off.
Quickly then, before she could change her mind, Elaina stalked to the door. Cade was there, as always, laying out his bed in the twilight.
"Cade." Her voice was low, too low, but she couldn't speak normally. He looked up from where he was untying his blanket roll, rising gracefully to his feet. Just watching him move made her breath catch. His dark eyes searched hers, but he was expressionless. Mourning, no doubt. Elaina made herself go on.
"I want you to leave." It felt as if someone else were saying the words. Someone else must be, can he see what a lie it is? Stay! A small frown stole across his face.
"And go where?" he asked.
"Anywhere you wish, just not here." Lies. All lies. Stay here, never be anywhere else.
"But I am your Watcher—" he began.
"So obey me." Elaina kept her voice as even as she could. Oh Truth! Her hands trembled when she held out the grass bracelet, giving it away.
It seemed like forever before he reached out to touch it, but even then, Cade did not take the thing. Take it, take it back, you never meant anything by it. But leave it, leave it so I can wonder. I wish you meant something by it!
"Keep it." He said, "I've no use for it." Of course. It is nothing. Elaina let it fall to the ground.
"Neither have I." Oh Truth, forgive me. Every word is a lie! For a moment, he watched it fall with such pain Elaina almost knelt and snatched it back, but then his face cleared.
He stared straight ahead with the expression he had always worn for the Drethlords, that awful, empty face that made him look like a statue instead of a man. Elaina swallowed back her sobs. Not yet. First I will set him free, then there will be a lifetime for that.
"My lady," he said coldly and bowed. He reached down, and she thought he might take the bracelet, but he grabbed only his blankets. With another bow, Cade turned on his heel and walked away.
Don’t go away! You said you would never leave me. Elaina shook, willing herself to watch him go, to not run after him or call his name. Her eyes drank in that last sight of him, stalking away into the night. All too soon he was gone. True spirits.
A deep breath of cool night air did nothing. Before she broke down and wept where anyone could see, Elaina stumbled back into her tent to cry alone, scooping up the grass bracelet and sliding it back onto her wrist. I will never take it off again.