CHAPTER 36
The Light
Elaina frowned at the map as they walked. Riesling was trying to teach her basic tactics, but she wasn’t sure the same rules applied when casters were involved. He had pointed out a bowl at the foot of the mountains north of Vinyam as a good place to fall back should the Drethlords suddenly appear.
“If they attack us here, they are surrounded by an army on higher ground.” He explained, “And we have the advantage of difficult terrain at our backs, so we can retreat into the woods and regroup elsewhere.”
Elaina eyed him, “If they attack us in the bowl, they can see the whole field and pick off the casters. And difficult terrain at our backs might just as well turn into a hindrance to us—it isn’t as if all our soldiers are from this area,” she pointed out, “They’ll be just as lost in the Wilds as the Drethlords.”
“Plus, they are the Wilds,” Riesling admitted.
“Though that is likely more intimidating to the Drethlords than others—there are echoes of power in that place that they cannot match and they know it.”
General Riesling didn’t reply, just stopped where he stood. Elaina assumed he was just looking for her next lesson on the map, but when he stayed silent, she gave a little tug on the map and started up again.
Riesling let her pull it from his hands. She turned to frown at him, but he was staring past her, over her shoulder. Elaina suddenly noticed the camp was unusually quiet. Alarmed, she spun around. It wasn’t an attack or an assassin.
Cade.
There. Right in front of her. She let the map fall to the dirt. Vaguely she felt the cautious eyes of everyone nearby. There were more people than there ought to have been, far more than usual. Like they had followed Cade there. Three men in rough clothes followed him still. They moved with the easy grace that Cade did, but their uncertainty was clear. Maybe they thought she would go crazy, obliterate everything in sight.
They could be right.
Her heart was busy making up for stopping when she saw him now, racing as if it wanted to fly out of her chest. She didn't try to move toward him, afraid her knees would give way. Elaina sank into her power. It wouldn't stop him, but it made it easier to think, to breathe.
He was walking closer. Deliberate, graceful. Blast him! Her thoughts broke and scattered like birds. He was right in front of her. Elaina could hardly believe she was still on her feet. It didn't please her, though. The only pleasure was seeing him. And the only pain.
"Elaina." He whispered. Holding the her power, she could hear him clearly. It was a call, a command, a plea.
A thousand thoughts swirled through her mind, a thousand things to say, all dismissed. The men with him stopped, tense as coiled springs. They were nothing. General Riesling was nothing.
She watched only Cade, and she knew she had never stopped loving this man and could never stop. Everything she tried to accomplish in the last three months was swept away. Every tenuous bridge she'd built across that gaping hole in her chest collapsed like cobwebs. Just the sight of him froze her mind and set her heart on fire. How frustratingly weak, and after I tried so hard to be strong!
"Elaina." He was closer. Now she could hear he was out of breath, as if he had been running a moment ago. Running to me! What a beautiful make-believe.
"What happened?" He asked, standing a half-step closer than people did. Distracting. She blinked at him.
"Seven days ago, there was something . . ." he pressed, leaning in still closer, eyes shifting back and forth between hers as if to catch something in one that he might miss in the other. "What happened?"
"I died." She whispered, realizing that she didn't make any sense, but unable to think of any other words. His brow furrowed. Beautiful, beautiful man. It really isn’t fair at all.
"You died?" his confusion slowly faded into what looked remarkably like joy.
That was peculiar, she knew, and forced herself to frown like she was supposed to. It was just so hard to think with him right there. She wanted to reach out and— she jerked her hand back to her side, hoping he had not noticed. Is he happy I died? Surely he can tell it didn't take.
"You thought of me." He declared.
Elaina wanted to shake her head, to deny it. It was awful to think he would know. What if he laughs again? Like he did in the garden, in the bad dreams? It wouldn't be fair to him either, taking advantage of his nobility and making him stay with her out of guilt or duty. No I didn’t think of you, I never think of you . . .
She felt herself nod. Truth damn it, I meant to lie!
Cade beamed. Her heart was melting, just looking at him. He is still so perfect.
"You love me!" he cried, demanding her agreement, moving so their faces were almost touching.
Elaina had only felt this incoherent once before, the time she had been mindlessly drunk in Tar Haviel before everything began. But this was insulting. He's come all this way to gloat? She scowled.
"Why should that be any different?" she said acidly, pulling back, "Hasn't my love always been your problem?" He paused, bewilderment sweeping across his face.
"Problem?" he repeated.
"Yes!" she drove a finger into his chest, "I'm not the one who left! Who fled! I'm not the one who went away!" she raged, tears just under the surface.
"But, I . . . you sent me away!" He was startled, off-balance. Oh Truth!
"Because you hated being near me! Hated being trapped with me by an oath you never wished to swear! I freed you, and you bolted."
"Hate?" he repeated, stuck on the first accusations, "How could I hate you? I'm the monster!"
"I know!" she spat, "I know! You couldn't even have just left, you had to—" she shuddered, "her!" was all she could manage.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, dejected, "I had to, I thought she would come after you. I was only trying to protect you." He stared at his hands as if they had betrayed him.
"Protect me?" she whispered, trembling. "Do you know what you did that day?" he squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head as if he could hide from her words. "You hurt me more than she could ever have dreamed. More than Keravel. More than anything."
Her power pounded in her ears. She imagined it was Sa’ara, that she could see it around each person like Hetarth had shown her that first day. The other people were distant torches compared to the bonfire that was the man in front of her. It was unspeakably wonderful to watch. True spirits, I even love his soul. How did this happen? Even with Miranya, with what he said that day?
"I'm so sorry." He whispered, ducking his head.
"Sorry," she repeated flatly, tears rolling down her face, "You didn't look sorry. I've never seen you look so alive as when you kissed her. Never heard you laugh like you did when she asked if you loved me. Sorry!" His frown deepened while he stared at his feet. Elaina waited. He didn't move.
Fine. She turned on her heel and walked away as steadily as she could. I will walk away from my heart. Left it there in the dirt at his feet where it had always been. So he knows, so everyone knows. That doesn’t change anything. What is another mountain of humiliation when you’re already buried in it? What does any of it matter?
"Elaina, wait! Look at me!"
She felt her lips curl into a joyless smile. That was exactly what he had said to her after the garden. She stopped, but did not turn. A small rebellion, the greatest resistance I can manage.
His hands were on her shoulders, spinning her around. Her power flared brightly, a warning. He was close to cutting her off. Truth, to feel his touch on my skin!
"Why do you think I left?" He asked insistently, half-shaking her shoulders.
"To find someone better to love." Her anguished eyes roved the crowd around them, all standing at a safe distance, careful to avoid his face. The little shreds of her that remained couldn't handle looking at his face. Don’t look. Don’t you dare look.
"You're a fool." He said confidently, grip tightening on her arms.
"I know." She sighed, waiting for the nightmare l
augh. Truth, I know it.
"I love you." Despite herself, Elaina looked into those dark, endless eyes. It was intoxicating. She blinked. The ramblings in her head were stunned into silence.
"What?"
"I love you." He repeated quietly, pulling her closer until their foreheads touched. Her power vanished, the pillars jerked out of reach. She would have staggered if he had not been holding her so tightly. What is he saying?
He went on, "I thought you didn't want me, because I killed her, thought you never wanted to see me again. That's why I left. Not because I wanted to leave you. I never want to leave you, Elaina." He said fiercely. "Never."
"B-but in the garden? You were so happy with her." she stammered.
"In the garden I was in chains, trying to save your life with an outrageous lie." He smiled crookedly, "I was so scared I was going to lose you to that madwoman . . ." his breath shuddered from between his lip. She loved those lips. Not fair.
" You're right, I never was more alive with fear. And I don't ever laugh like that, because I seldom come that close to losing my mind."
"Losing your mind?"
"I could not survive if I lost you forever."
"Because you love me?" she repeated, incredulous.
"Yes. You're my world." He said it simply, as if he were saying that the sun rises in the morning. Elaina shook her head. What? No. That cannot be.
"But you left. You didn't want me anymore. I made you kill your friend, a woman!" She objected.
"What oath could I swear to make you believe me? I love you, Elaina, more than you can imagine. And you didn't make me do anything. The only order you issued that day was for me to leave—everything else I did on my own and I will atone for, not you," he assured her,
"Besides, she was hardly friendly." Elaina let him pull her into his chest in a crushing hug. Without letting her go, he murmured into her hair, "I love you. Let me show you. Cast the web, the one from the ship, the one you cast again seven days ago."
"It's an invasion of your mind!" she protested weakly.
"I'm telling you to, it's not invading if you’re invited." He answered, and put his hands to his sides, waiting.
Cringing at the inevitable disappointment, Elaina hesitated. It had been perfect, having him hold her. It was a dream that he was close enough to touch. And his words belonged to a dream. But perfect things never last, and the best dreams always end. She wanted it to last a little longer.
With a sigh, she cast: the perfect balance, the core harmony of pillars that echoed the Linking and touched the forgotten and untouchable. The separation between his mind and hers resonated. It cracked. Then it crumbled to dust. This close, it was impossible to limit the sweep of his spirit through hers. She couldn't breathe.
Blinding light replaced the darkness, bright, clean, blazing light. The noonday sun magnified and multiplied. Glittering, shimmering, astonishing light.
"You love me." She gasped.
"You idiot." He murmured with a laugh, crushing her against him with one strong arm. The other hand tangled in her hair, he breathed her in like a drowning man. Her power was gone, but it had done enough. She didn't know if she was breathing anymore. What does it matter? Breathing is insignificant. He’s here. He loves me. Elaina laughed so hard she cried.
Finally, Cade loosened his hold enough to look down at her and shook his head. Locked in his arms, she could feel the rumble in his chest when he spoke.
"What will I do with you? I leave you alone for a fortnight or two and you almost get yourself killed." He murmured. "Though I guess that shouldn't surprise me. You draw trouble like honey draws flies." His vexation was audible.
How right he was. It had not even been a year since she'd left Tar Haviel, and how many times had she nearly died? It hardly seemed that bad, standing there with him. Even the memory of Miranya's warning couldn't ruin this. Elaina smiled more broadly.
"Well, it is a lucky thing I have the greatest Watcher in the world to keep me alive, isn't it?" Cade snorted,
"I'm the only real Watcher." He noted dryly.
"You'll just have to stay close, then." She suggested, "make sure I stay out of trouble." Anyone would have understood the slow smile that grew on Cade's face.
"Oh, I intend to." He growled, taking her by the waist and lifting her into the air, spinning her around as he had that last day in Ashira.
Elaina threw her head back and laughed. When he set her down again, she was too dizzy to see Dracen's dour face, or the astonished expressions of the men who rode in with Cade, or General Riesling’s sly smile, but she wasn't deaf. The whistles and cheers from everyone else made her blush, but she couldn't stop smiling. And so long as he’s here, I never will.
THE END
A Note from the Author
In Winter's Keeping
A. B. Angen
The snow lies soft and still
The dark around it creeping
The Shadows breathe and walk
While man and child are sleeping
All they touch they take
And all the world is weeping
Now Death will always find
Those left to winter’s keeping.