"Doctor Marlowe and I are still exploring that, aren't we?"
"Among other things," Dr. Marlowe said, nodding softly. "There's no single cause for the difficulties you all suffer."
"Maybe that's why you did what?" Star asked, her face full of impatience.
I looked at Doctor Marlowe and then I looked at her. "Ran away with him," I said.
Star smiled.
"Ran away? You're here, aren't you?"
"That's why," I said.
8
"I didn't set out to be friends with Lloyd. Until the day he came over to me in the cafeteria, I don't think I had so much as looked at him twice.
"I was sitting alone, feeling sorry for myself and hating everything and everyone around me. I guess I had that bitter, unhappy look on my face. When Lloyd dropped his tray on the table and slid into the seat beside me, I was so deep in my well of dark thoughts, I didn't even hear him or see him. He deliberately knocked his shoulder against mine to get my attention, which caused me to spill the soup out of my spoon. I was ready to jab it into the face of whoever had done it.
"'Sorry,' he said, 'but you was leaning over too far and takin' up two places.'
"'I was not,' I protested. He shrugged.
"'Then, maybe I was,' he said and laughed.
"I knew who he was, of course. Everyone knew who Lloyd Kimble was, the way you knew what a scorpion or a rattlesnake was. You didn't have to have any actual contact to know you should keep your distance.
"'What happened?' he asked with a half-smile. 'Your friends dump you?'
He nodded in their direction.
"'No,' I said sharply. I wasn't in the mood to be made fun of. 'No one dumped me.'
"Lloyd has this infuriating smile. He pulls his lips in and you can almost hear the laughter coming from his arrogant eyes, but at the same time there's something sexy about it. He's dangerous and I suppose that makes him exciting. He does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He's impulsive and has no respect for rules or authority.
"Mr. Calder, the cafeteria monitor, was staring at me with such a look of disgust, like, how could I lower myself to permit Lloyd Kimble to sit next to me and talk to him? Suddenly, I felt as angry and as rebellious as I imagined Lloyd was. What right did Mr. Calder have to decide who my friends should and should not be? He was my English teacher but not my father or my older brother. At that moment I despised all the adults in the world for being bossy and hypocritical.
"'A Beverly like you doesn't usually sit alone unless somethin's wrong, and I'm sure it ain't your breath,' Lloyd commented as he bit into his
hamburger.
"'What's a Beverly?' I asked.
"He stopped chewing a moment, smiled and then chewed on until he swallowed and gestured toward Darlene and my other girlfriends.
"'A Beverly. You know. Girls from Beverly Hills, spoiled bitches.'
"'I live in Beverly Hills, but I'm hardly a spoiled bitch,' I responded with more courage than I thought I had. His laugh made me angrier. 'I'm not!'
" 'Good for you,' he said. `So why ain't you sittin' with them?'
"'They're a bunch of phonies, if you must know,' I said.
"'Oh, I know that,' he told me. 'What they do to ya, cut up your credit cards?'
"'Very funny. They didn't do anything,' I said. 'They just . . . think they're better than me now.'
"'Why now?' he followed and I turned and looked at him, wondering why he was suddenly so interested in me. 'You look like you could use a real friend,' he offered with that infuriating shrug and smile.
"'You're going to lower yourself and be my friend?' I challenged. 'A Beverly?'
"'I do what I want,' he said sternly. 'No one tells me who to be friends with.' "
He smiled softly again. Suddenly he didn't seem as dangerous to me as everyone I knew always said he was, and sitting this closely to him, I realized he was much better looking than I had thought, too. He had great dark eyes, eyes that sparkled wickedly. Maybe I was just in the mood for him We talked some more and I discovered that he had a good sense of humor, especially about some of my friends. I laughed and he laughed and I told him about my parents and how my so-called friends had reacted. He knew more about me than I had expected. He knew I had gone out with Charles Allen and when I told him that was another big mistake of mine, his smile got even warmer.
"I could see that the longer I talked with him and remained sitting with him, the more my friends were chatting about me. I admit that at first I just wanted to shock everyone, but after I spent more time with Lloyd.
I actually really began to like him. He and I had more in common than I would have ever realized or cared to admit. He truly seemed to understand my feelings about my parents and then he said something I thought was very true."
"What?" Star asked. She was really into my story now.
"He said sometimes kids like us have to grow up faster and adults don't realize it or don't want to realize it so they keep treating us like kids, but we're already miles away. And not because we want to be. It's just what's happened.
"He also said you can't worry about whether it's fair or not. You just take it and do what you have to do and if adults don't like it, let them lump it."
"Brilliant," Jade said, puckering her mouth up like a drawstring purse.
"I thought it was," I fired back at her. "It's not fancy, like out of some book you and I might read, but it's still true, especially for me and I bet for you."
She looked thoughtful for a moment and then looked away.
"So what happened with him?" Star asked. Reluctantly, Jade turned back to hear.
"We started spending more and more time together, meeting between classes, at lunch, after school. He didn't have a car; he had a small
motorcycle, which I found out had no insurance on it and had an expired registration. It didn't worry Lloyd.
'Don't sweat the small things,' he told me.
"He made me laugh a lot and I felt better being with him. I felt ... free from everything. When I was with him, the static died.
"Mommy had gone on a few more dates with different men, but none of them were any good in her eyes. She turned bitter because my father was happier. She went to lunch and dinner with women who had similar feelings about men and they became what I call today, the MHA, Men Haters Anonymous. From what I read about AA, Alcoholics Anonymous conducts meetings that are not too different. These women have been at our house for coffee meetings and I've heard them clucking like angry hens. Each of them begins by telling how she was made a fool of by her husband or a recent boyfriend. She admits it was largely her own fault and they all sympathize. They take oaths not to get serious with any man again. They gloat over anyone who has taken advantage of a man or broken a man's heart.
"My mother brags to them about how she makes my father's life as miserable as she can, proudly using me like a sword over his head whenever possible. She told them all about the bills and how she wields her attorney's power over him and his attorney and the other women clapped and congratulated her, cheering as if she had won some major battle for women's rights.
"I told Lloyd about it and he said he never wanted to be a parent and he wouldn't get married unless the woman he was with felt the same way.
"'Who wants to ruin someone else's life?' he said.
"I thought that was very sad, but I understood. He and I had been seeing each other on and off for a little more than two weeks by this time. Mostly we saw each other at school or met at the mall. I knew all my friends expected that he would be like some sex maniac, but he wasn't like that at all. He was actually shy, almost afraid to touch or kiss.
"When I told this to Darlene, who had been constantly after me to tell her something just so she could go gossiping, she said he was probably just using a technique on me, like some spider trying to tempt me into his web. I admit that put the idea in my head, but even when I agreed and went to his home with him one afternoon, he didn't try anything.
"
'You sure you want to permit a Beverly to see your room?' I asked him and he told me he was absolutely sure now that I wasn't any Beverly. Two weeks before I wouldn't have considered it much of a compliment, but it was the same as him telling me he trusted me, he respected me, he thought I was real.
"His apartment was small and his mother didn't keep it well. There were dishes left over from yesterday's meal, dust on the windowsills and furniture, bad stains in the rugs. Everything in it, the appliances, the furniture, the rugs and even the walls looked tired, worn. He explained that at the time his mother had a new boyfriend and was at his place a lot. I didn't realize that meant Lloyd was home alone for days sometimes, but I soon understood that was the case. That first day there, I actually cleaned a lot of it up, something I rarely if ever had done in my own home. Lloyd kept telling me I didn't have to.
"'I know I don't,' I said, tut I want to do it for you.' "He looked at me differently and I saw he really cared for me.
"'My mother will know I brought someone up here,' he said. 'She knows I don't do much housecleaning.'
" So let her know,' I told him He liked that, too. "One night when my mother was having the MHA over, I told her I was meeting Darlene at the mall and took a cab to Lloyd's apartment instead. He was very surprised to see me. What he liked the most was my just doing it, being impulsive like him. I was afraid I'd find him with some other girl or his mother would be home and she wouldn't approve, but he was alone.
"We played some music and talked for a while and suddenly, finally, I was in his arms, kissing him It didn't take us long to get undressed and into his bed. I was very frightened, but not of him I was afraid of myself, afraid that I suffered Mommy's problem, whatever that was, and Lloyd wouldn't like me anymore just like my father didn't like my mother. I really wanted to find out for myself.
"Lloyd was surprised to learn that I wasn't a virgin, but he wasn't upset about it. He took his time and was caring, far more gentle and romantic than Charles Allen with all his wealth and sophistication.
"We began slowly. I kept anticipating great pain, but instead, I began to feel great pleasure. I knew I was being reckless because he didn't use any protection, but I felt drunk on my feelings, rushing over erotic highways, and not caring if I crashed.
"I was so happy afterward. I felt like I had proven I could be normal and that the man I married wouldn't find me frigid and divorce me too.
"Lloyd and I grew closer, of course, but I was afraid to invite Lloyd to my house. I knew what my mother would think of him when she saw him and how she would react and make my life even more miserable at home. The following week Lloyd and I were plotting how to spend an entire night together at his house. On Wednesday, however, he was very depressed when I met him at school and he told me his mother was going to be home and her boyfriend was spending the weekend with her. I had been trying to find someone I could trust to pretend to have invited me over and now I didn't have any reason to.
"Then, my father called. I had forgotten I was scheduled to be with him at his place, but as was often the case, he had a reason why I had to skip the weekend. He was going to be away on business again.
"Only this time," I said smiling at Star, "I didn't tell my mother. She thought I would be with my father all weekend."
"Cool," Star said.
"Weren't you afraid she would find out?" Cat asked. She had been sitting so quietly, barely moving, acting like a little girl hearing a story read by her mother or teacher, terrified someone or something would interrupt.
"I didn't care. Maybe I wanted to get caught," I told her. She looked down quickly.
"So where were you two going to go, a motel?" Jade asked.
"No. Someplace better. Daddy had told me where he kept the spare key to the apartment hidden just in case I ever was to come over and he and Ariel weren't there yet. It was behind a cabinet in his parking space under the building.
"We went to the apartment. Lloyd was very impressed with the place. He got into Daddy's liquor cabinet and I made us something to eat. We pretended like it was really our apartment and we were married. We watched television and began to get passionate. It was my idea for us to use Daddy's bedroom instead of mine It just seemed . . . more of a risk, I guess. We made love and then I remade the bed. Both of us took showers. I gave Lloyd one of Daddy's robes to wear and we returned to the living room and curled up on the sofa, watching television again. We both fell asleep.
"Some time after midnight Daddy and Ariel came home and found us there."
"You're kidding!" Star exclaimed.
"Wow!" Jade said.
Cat looked frightened for me.
"Daddy was furious, of course. He said some nasty things to Lloyd and I said some nastier things to him. Ariel made some small attempt to calm things down, but Daddy's fury turned on her and she retreated quickly. Lloyd got dressed and left and Daddy called Mommy, waking her up to tell her what was going on. Of course, he blamed her.
"I didn't get much sleep. The next morning Daddy brought me home. Mommy was waiting in the living room. He hadn't been in the house since he had taken the picture of my room and was surprised at some of the changes, but this wasn't the time to talk about that He described what he had found when he and Ariel had returned to his apartment.
"'You lied to me,' Mommy said shaking her head like it was something she could never believe.
"'Everybody lies in this house,' I snapped back at her.
"'You watch your mouth,' Daddy yelled.
"'You lied to me,' I retorted. 'You said you weren't going to be home and that's why I couldn't spend the weekend with you.'
"He looked guilty, caught. He glanced at my mother and then turned back to me.
"'My plans changed. That happens sometimes, Misty, but it doesn't give you the excuse to do what you did,' he said and then he returned to the familiar battleground with my mother. 'Do you realize what she's up to these days, Gloria?'
"'She's got the perfect model of morality to follow,' my mother said, glaring at him 'Look how you live. Look what she sees whenever she visits with you. What do you expect she'll turn into? What can I do?'
"They got into one of their worst battles and I went up to my room. At least for the moment, they were directing their venom at each other instead of me. After Daddy left, Mommy came up to see me and asked me what I had been doing and how long I had been doing it.
"She acted very hurt. I was making a fool out of her, hurting her, making things more difficult for her. Everything was her, her, her. Daddy had done the same thing earlier, telling me how my behavior was only going to make things more difficult for him, him, him.
"Of course, Mommy wanted to know who the boy was. Who were his parents? Where did they live? That seemed to matter more than anything. I refused to tell her anything about Lloyd and she ended it by grounding me for a month. I was to come directly home after school every day and spend all my weekends at home. She forbade me from having phone calls again, but this time she surprised me by calling the phone company and having my line disconnected.
"I don't think I ever felt more miserable. Lloyd blamed himself. He told me he should have known better and expected it. Later that week, about Wednesday, I think, Mommy found out who my boyfriend was. Clara Weincoup's mother had told her. When I got home, she was waiting for me and went into a new rage about my slumming.
"How could I go around with someone like that? Didn't I have respect for myself?
"Maybe my boyfriend isn't rich and his parents don't live in a big, expensive house, but at least I can enjoy being a woman,' I shouted back at her, and she turned all red.
"She chased after me demanding to know exactly what I had meant. She kept it up until finally, in a rage myself, I blurted out the things Daddy had told me at that first lunch when I asked him why they were getting divorced. She turned a shade paler than the dead leaves on Doctor Marlowe's oleander bushes out back. I thought she was going to faint. Her mouth opened and closed without a sound coming from it.
I really got frightened. She had to take hold of the back of a chair to steady herself.
"Then, she just turned and walked out of the room. We never said anything more about it, but later I found out she had called her attorney who had called Daddy's attorney. There was a serious threat to go to the judge to end Daddy's visitation rights with me.
"Everything just seemed to be getting worse and worse. Early the following week, Lloyd got into a bad fight at school with another boy. When Mr. Levine tried to break it up, Lloyd hit him and he was expelled. I found out late that afternoon. Darlene couldn't wait to tell me.
"'Your boyfriend is in big trouble," she said and described what had happened at the gym. She and the others gloated. It seemed to prove they were right about me and Lloyd.
"But I said, 'Lloyd was right about you! You're all a bunch of Beverly's. Go to hell!' I screamed at them.
"I ran away from them and after school, I went to Lloyd's mother's apartment, but no one was there. I was very depressed and disappointed. My phone was still disconnected. How would he call me? I was hoping he would come to my house, but all that day he didn't. I tried calling him on my mother's phone when my mother wasn't watching, but there was no answer.
"I hated being in school the next day. I failed a math test. I hadn't even cracked open the book to study for it. The girls were talking about me constantly. I stayed in the bathroom the whole lunch period rather than sit in that cafeteria and be under their laughing eyes. I was inches away from cutting class and going to look for Lloyd. When the final bell rang, I shot out of the building and went to his apartment again. Again, I found no one there.