A little more than halfway through the game, Christy watched Matt on the pitcher’s mound, and she inventoried her feelings again. No firefly flutterings or wishful wonderings rose to the surface.
Who knows why my mind took off for the land of if only at breakfast. Matthew Kingsley is just Matthew Kingsley. He’ll always be my first crush—nothing more and nothing less.
The last play of the game, Vicki hit a ground ball. Christy ran to scoop it up and pitched it underhanded to Wes, who tagged Vicki out at second base. With a loud cheer, Christy joined the rest of her team in celebrating the win.
The thrill of victory was short lived. Sierra loudly challenged Matthew’s team to make it the best two out of three games. Wes took the challenge and said they would meet Sierra and her “bunch of losers” on the field tomorrow afternoon at four.
They all headed for The Golden Calf, talking and laughing as if they had been friends for years. Matt walked beside Christy. “You know what I realized when I saw you there in the outfield?”
“Let me guess. You realized I was serious when I said I couldn’t catch.”
Matthew laughed. “No, you did great. You made the winning play with Wes.”
“I guess I did, didn’t I?” Christy beamed.
With a sincere expression Matt said, “What I realized, Christy, is that I wished you hadn’t moved to California. I wish you and I had had the chance to finish growing up together. I wonder what would have happened.”
Without thinking, she said, “I’ve been wondering some of those same things.”
“You have?”
Caught off guard by her own honesty, Christy quickly added, “I mean, I think Brightwater was a great place to grow up. It would have been fun to go through high school with the same people I started school with.”
“I agree,” Matt said. “It would have been nice to have you around in high school.”
Unsure of what to say, Christy offered only a timid smile and a nod.
They were entering The Golden Calf, and Christy spotted Todd seated at a nearby table. With a chin-up gesture he motioned for Christy and the others to join him. The instant Christy saw him she felt a familiar certainty settle over her.
Now, that’s the man I’m in love with.
As if to test her response, Christy turned and watched Matthew as he went through the food line ahead of her. There was no comparison between Todd and Matt. All the “what if” questions she had entertained earlier about Matt seemed to evaporate. She didn’t know why. But at the moment, it didn’t matter.
She looked across the room at Todd. He was watching her with “that look” again. Even though they were at least thirty feet away from each other in the noisy cafeteria, the moment their eyes met, Christy felt as if the rest of the world had rushed away. An invisible bubble had taken just the two of them to a magical place where her heart didn’t flitter and flutter, but rather beat steadily and sure.
It’s a marathon for us, isn’t it, Todd? Not a quick, flittery sprint. You love me with all your heart. I can see it on your face. And I love you. I know I do.
Christy followed Matthew through the sandwich line, content that her feelings had settled themselves. If she had stayed in Wisconsin, she and Matthew might have ended up testing their relationship on a deeper level.
But I didn’t stay in Wisconsin. I moved here, I met Todd, and this is the relationship I want to stay committed to. I don’t think God jerks us around the way my thoughts about Matthew jerked around this morning. I don’t need to waste my time daydreaming about “what if.” All I need to do is keep asking God, “What next?”
Just as Christy and Matthew left the sandwich line and headed toward Todd’s table, Katie bounced in front of them. With all the energy she had gained from sleeping until noon, she greeted them with an enthusiastic, “Hi! I thought that was you. Hi!”
At first Christy assumed Katie was talking to her, but Katie’s focus was on Matthew. Christy began to make the introduction. “Katie, this is—”
“Matt. Yes, I know. Hi! How are you?”
Then Christy made the connection and nearly dropped her tray. “Is he Matt number fourteen?”
“Yes, Matt number fourteen!” Katie beamed. “I’m so embarrassed, Matt. I don’t know your last name!”
“Kingsley,” Christy and Matt answered in unison.
“I guess I’m embarrassed, too.” Matt looked at Christy and then back at Katie. “Have we met before? Do I know you?”
Christy watched as her best friend’s heart crashed to the floor.
“Matthew,” Christy said with a hint of scold in her voice, “this is my roommate, Katie Weldon. You two met last year after a baseball game.”
“Oh,” Matt said slowly. An awkward pause followed, and then Matt said, “You want to sit with us, Kathy?”
Katie’s green eyes turned to ice. “It’s Katie, not Kathy. Katie Weldon.”
Christy quickly pulled her friend to the side and said over her shoulder, “We’ll join you guys in a minute.”
Matt headed for the table, and Christy winced when she saw Katie’s pained expression.
“Katie, I am so sorry!” Christy whispered. “I never in a million years imagined that your Matt number fourteen was the same as my Matthew Kingsley.”
“Your Matthew Kingsley?” Katie sputtered.
“We grew up together in Wisconsin. I had a huge crush on him in elementary school.”
Katie stared without saying a word.
“I told you about him. I know I did,” Christy said.
“No, you didn’t. I would have remembered if you told me about Matt.” Katie’s face turned red. “Did you see the way he looked at me? I can’t believe it! I committed to memory every word from the conversation we had last June. And then I wasted my entire summer dreaming about him. What a loser!”
Christy wanted to put her arm around her friend, but Christy was still holding her cafeteria tray. “You’re not a loser, Katie.”
“I didn’t mean me, I meant him! Matt number fourteen Kingsley is . . .” Katie paused. She lowered her voice and said, “He’s the loser. He could have gone out with the cutest, most adorable, most fun-loving redhead on campus, but he just lost his chance.” With a swish of her hair, Katie turned and marched off.
Christy stood still, watching as Katie went to the frozen yogurt machine. Apparently, she planned to drown her sorrows in an extra-large chocolate mocha swirl.
5 Christy felt awful as she carried her tray to the table and sat beside Todd in the noisy cafeteria. Matt had taken the empty seat on the other side of Todd, and the two guys had introduced themselves and were talking as if they were close friends. Katie had left the cafeteria with her frozen yogurt in a plastic foam cup.
Determined to remedy what had just happened, Christy tried to think of ways to smooth things over with Matt and Katie. She thought of setting up a double date with them or taking Matt aside and explaining how much Katie liked him. None of her ideas seemed like a good one.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t called her “Kathy.” He could have at least pretended he remembered her when he saw how excited she was to see him. Why are guys so clueless?
“Hey, Christy,” Matt said, “do you want to go to Riverview Heights with Todd this afternoon?”
She nodded since her mouth was full. Why is Matt asking me? I already told Todd I would go.
Apparently Todd had invited Matt along. The three of them left the cafeteria and drove to the church in Todd’s van. From the conversation that was still going at a lively pace between Matt and Todd, Christy discovered that Riverview was the church Matt had attended the last school year. He was giving Todd all kinds of information, since Matt had helped out with the youth group on a couple of outings.
“The adult couple who organized everything moved in June,” Matt explained. “That’s when the church leaders decided to hire someone. Not many teenagers come, but a lot of them could.”
“Why don’t they atte
nd?” Christy asked.
“They haven’t had anything consistent except for Sunday school, and the couple who taught didn’t seem to care about the students. They lectured the whole time. There wasn’t any music or any chance for relationships to develop.”
Christy could tell Todd appreciated all the inside information.
“You are going to start out with music tomorrow morning, aren’t you?” Christy asked.
“I was planning on it.” Todd parked in the church lot, and Matt led the way to the room where the group would meet.
“Do you have anyone helping you with music?” Matt asked.
“I don’t have any volunteers yet,” Todd said, giving Christy a grin. “Unless either of you wants to sing with me.”
Christy liked to sing, but she had never been in the front, leading a group. Her voice blended well if the person next to her sang loudly. She wasn’t a soloist.
“I could help,” Christy said hesitantly.
Todd’s clear-eyed, grinning expression told Christy she had just won her boyfriend’s undying admiration. “Thanks. I know you’re still thinking about teaching, and I want you to take as long as you need to decide.”
Christy didn’t feel pressured to say yes to teaching, but she did feel more open to the possibility. She liked being part of the start-up process in this new season in Todd’s life.
“I’d be glad to help with whatever else you need,” Matt said.
“Thanks, man,” Todd said. “You can see I’m at ground zero on all this.”
They spent a half hour setting up the room for the next morning and taking inventory of the available resources.
“You know what?” Christy said as they were about to leave. “We should pray before we go.”
“Great idea,” Todd said. “What’s that verse? ‘Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.’ I want this to be God’s youth group.”
Christy smiled. “Then we should pray about it.”
Todd reached for Christy’s hand, and to her surprise, Matt reached for her other hand. The three of them stood in a tight circle, and the guys stretched their arms across each other’s shoulders.
Todd prayed for God’s blessing on the future of the group and for God’s guidance over all the planning, teaching, worshiping, and fellowshiping that would happen in that room. Christy tried to concentrate. She knew they were holding hands as a gesture of being united in what they were praying, but Christy found herself comparing the two guys. Her hand felt at home in Todd’s hand. It felt familiar and safe. Matt’s hand was rough with the permanent calluses of someone who had shoveled snow and pitched hay. Christy thought of how her dad’s hands felt the same way.
She tried to focus back on Todd’s prayer as he boldly claimed this territory and these hearts for God’s kingdom. “Whatever it takes,” Todd prayed, “let them see how real you are, Father.”
Matt prayed, then Christy prayed. Todd closed off their time with his own version of “Amen,” which was, “Let it be so.”
They all looked up and released their hands as Matt said, “This is going to be good, Todd. These kids are going to be so glad to have you here.”
“Why didn’t you apply for the position?” Todd asked Matt.
He lowered his head slightly and with a bashful expression said, “I did. But I withdrew my application a couple of weeks ago because I wanted to stick with the full class schedule I have this fall and I wanted to play baseball in the spring. I knew I couldn’t give the time that would be needed. I’m better off volunteering than being responsible for the whole program.”
Todd threw his arm around Matt’s shoulder, hugged him from the side, and said, “I appreciate your heart, Matt.”
Christy smiled warmly at Matt. She was trying to come up with something appropriate to say when the pager on Matt’s belt beeped.
He jumped slightly and said, “My roommate gave me this crazy thing so he can always get ahold of me.” He pulled it off and checked the number. “I’ll be right back.”
Christy and Todd stood alone in the youth room, and she said, “You know what? This is where you belong. You were created for this.”
Todd ran his hand across his smooth, square jaw. “You think so?”
Christy nodded. “Remember when we were at that Christian youth hostel in Amsterdam? You were in your element when you led the music and taught a Bible study.”
“That was only for a few nights,” Todd said.
“I know. But you were at home doing that. Didn’t you think so?”
Todd seemed to ponder his answer as he and Christy walked to the door. He remained silent all the way to the car, where they stood waiting for Matt.
When Matt joined them a few minutes later, he said, “Would you mind dropping me off at Stereo World on Mesa Verde? Pete wants me to check out some speakers before he buys them.”
The three of them climbed into Gus the Bus, and Todd dropped Matt off in front of Stereo World. Before he got out, Matt put his hand on Christy’s shoulder and said, “Don’t forget, you still owe me a dinner. We need to finish the conversation we started before lunch.”
As Todd drove back to Rancho Corona, Christy remained quiet, trying to process what Matt had said and what he had meant. Todd seemed to be processing Matt’s comments, as well. He pulled into the parking lot of a city park and turned off the engine. Giving Christy a confused look, he asked, “Did you meet Matt before today?”
At first Christy thought Todd was kidding. “We grew up together. In Wisconsin.”
Todd’s expression told her he most certainly didn’t know that. “I thought he was friends with Wes and Sierra and that you just met him today in the lunch line.”
Christy laughed. “No, our families have been friends since before either of us was born.”
Todd looked out the window and then at Christy. “Did I know that?”
“I thought you did. Didn’t I tell you that I saw him the other night when Katie and I were in The Java Jungle?”
Todd shook his head.
Christy filled Todd in on Matt being the same Matt number fourteen Katie had told them about on the train in Europe.
Now Todd looked even more surprised. “And neither you nor Katie knew that until today?”
“No, and the worst part was that Matt didn’t remember Katie.”
“Ouch,” Todd said.
“Yeah, ouch. That’s why Katie didn’t join us for lunch.”
“He’s a great guy,” Todd said. “I appreciate his servant’s heart.”
“He is a great guy,” Christy agreed. But not the guy for me, that’s for sure.
Todd shifted in the driver’s seat and turned toward Christy. “What did he mean about you having dinner with him?”
Christy wondered if she should explain to Todd her crazy little jaunt to the land of if only that morning and how she had let herself wonder what would have happened if she had gone out with Matt. But it all seemed like nothing to her now, so she decided not to mention it.
“Matt and I were going to meet at the cafeteria last night, but I forgot all about it. That’s why I asked you what time it was when we were having pizza with Katie.”
It occurred to Christy that, although her fleeting thoughts about Matt had left her, she didn’t know if their long-ago, unexplored interest in each other was a closed subject for Matt. Perhaps the reason he wanted to finish their conversation was because he also had taken a jaunt to the land of if only and was possibly still there.
Did I say or do anything to make Matt think I would be interested in going out with him? I didn’t mean to. He knows Todd and I are together, doesn’t he?
Christy realized that she and Todd hadn’t done or said anything while they were around Matt to lead him to believe they were a couple. If Todd had thought that Matt was one of Sierra’s friends whom Christy had just met at lunch, perhaps Matt thought the same about Todd.
Christy realized the parked van was becoming uncomfortably hot. Todd opened
his door and asked, in what sounded more like a statement, “Do you want to walk?”
“Sure.” Christy was glad to climb out of the hot van and off the uncomfortable seat. She had complained a week ago that the passenger seat was “decomposing” since the springs were poking through. Todd had fixed it by covering the seat with a piece of cardboard and then placing a folded beach towel on top of the cardboard. The whole contraption slid as she got out.
Todd reached for her hand, and they walked along a cement pathway around the park’s perimeter. The playground to the left was filled with noisy children who were busy swinging, climbing, and sifting sand in the sandbox.
Christy and Todd headed away from the noise.
“I wanted to talk about something you said at the church,” Todd said. “You said I was ‘at home’ there. I think you’re right. And you know why that’s so hard for me to comprehend? I don’t know that I’ve ever been ‘at home’ before. Not completely. Except with you, Kilikina.”
Whenever Todd called Christy by her Hawaiian name, she melted. This afternoon was no exception.
“I feel at home with you, too,” Christy said. “Completely at home.”
“Do you?” Todd asked.
“Yes, I really do.” Christy put aside her unsettled thoughts about Matt and concentrated on Todd. If she had miscommunicated anything to Matt, she could talk to him later and clear it up. Right now, this is where she wanted to be, and Todd was the one she wanted to be with.
“The thing is, I don’t know what a normal family is supposed to act like,” Todd continued. “I have an idea of what I want for my future family and what I consider to be normal, but I’ve never had that. I have few role models. When I came to the Lord, church became really important to me. I wonder if that’s why it seems I’m at home, as you said, in a youth ministry situation. Church, and particularly youth groups, are the most stable, positive model I’ve ever had for anything.”