The monster snarled, angry and dismayed, reminding me that I was a vampire. It was my nature to hunt and kill and destroy. Human emotions meant nothing to me. Mortals were food, prey, nothing else. I felt its cold apathy to the scene outside, the welcome, icy indifference, and for just a moment, I teetered on the brink of falling into it again. Letting the monster shield me from pain, grief and the horrible, crushing guilt just beginning to emerge from the darkness. It was safer in the dark, the demon whispered, soothing and enticing. I wouldn’t feel anything, remember anything. I wouldn’t have to face the reason I’d sacrificed my humanity. Why I had let the monster win.
Why…
My hand rose to my neck, finding the thin silver chain that rested there, tracing the image of the tiny metal cross beneath my shirt. And just like that, all memories of him came rushing back.
Oh, Zeke.
My eyes stung, turning my vision red and blurry. The knot in my chest unraveled, the barrier holding those emotions back fraying to shadows, releasing everything in a flood. And in that tiny closet, with the humans I’d nearly slaughtered murmuring just outside the door, I put my head to my knees and shook with silent sobs. For the horror of what I was, what I had almost let myself become. For the shame of my lost humanity, even if it was for just a moment.
And for Zeke. I cried for the boy I had lost, the human who’d believed I was more than a monster, even if I couldn’t believe it myself. I’d never said a proper goodbye to him, had never let myself grieve his death before tonight. Vengeance had been the only thing on my mind, my utter hate for Sarren driving me forward. It hurt now, to realize Ezekiel Crosse was truly gone, and I would never see him again. In this world, or the next. Because Zeke’s soul had surely gone to its final resting place, far from the misery of this godforsaken hell, a place where demons and monsters and soulless creatures of the night could never follow. He was safe now, truly safe. He was with his father and all the people he had lost on the way to Eden, and they would never have to fear anything, ever again.
Gradually, the bloody tears slowed and finally stopped, leaving me empty and drained in that tiny corner. My face felt sticky, my throat ached, and my chest felt painfully tight. But, for the first time since I’d left New Covington, I could face the horror of what had happened in that lab without falling apart. I could finally remember. Sarren torturing Zeke for information about Eden and the cure, Zeke’s anguished screams and cries, that shining, terrible moment when he’d whispered…that he loved me. Right before Sarren had killed him.
I wondered if he could see me now, if he was horrified and disappointed at the thing I’d become. Or had he forgotten me? Maybe he didn’t even remember his mortal life. Maybe all the pain, grief and darkness he’d endured was nothing but a fading dream where he was now. I hoped so. I wanted him to forget. It was better that way, that he forget this world with its demons and monsters and darkness that smothered any tiny bit of hope or warmth. I would still have to endure, for eternity.
Bitterness joined the swirl of sorrow and regret. Kanin and Jackal had been right; I’d been hiding from this, letting the monster shield me from the pain, because I didn’t want to face the truth. Zeke was dead. I had to let him go.
Wiping my eyes, I rose to my feet, grief, shame and a hundred other emotions weighing me down. I welcomed them this time. Even if it was painful. Even if remembering made me feel like I’d never smile again. It meant that some tiny part of me was still human. I’d been so close to the edge tonight, on that brink of no return, as Kanin had warned. What would’ve happened if the monster had truly won?
Pulling out the chain, I closed my fingers around Zeke’s cross, closing my eyes. The edges pressed into my palm as I remembered, forcing myself to recall what he’d told me once. “You’re not evil,” he had whispered, those bright, solemn blue eyes staring into me, peeling away every defense. “No one who fights so hard to do the right thing is evil.”
I had to believe that. I had to believe that something in me was still human, that I wasn’t a complete monster.
Keep me human, Zeke, I thought, feeling a sharp flare of determination through the suffocating regret and guilt. My eyes burned once more, but I bit my lip and forced the tears back. I swear, I’ll keep fighting. I won’t forget again.
When I peeked through the closet door, the woman and little girl had fallen asleep, the mother curled protectively around her child. Easing into the room, I watched them silently, feeling that sharp ache of longing as I remembered my mother doing the same. The little girl sniffed and burrowed closer, her young face blissfully calm, free of worry or fear, and I smiled sadly.
Then I turned and glided silently from the room, into the hall, and down the steps to the first floor.
That dark figure waited for me in front of the window, silhouetted against the glass. As usual, Kanin gave no hints as to what he was feeling, what he thought I’d been doing, whether he was annoyed that I’d taken so long. His eyes were blank as I approached, and I couldn’t meet his gaze, staring at the floor when we stood but a few feet apart.
“Is it done?” His voice was barely a murmur in the looming silence. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I heard the barest hint of hope, a last stubborn plea, beneath the quiet surface. Praying that he was wrong. “Did you kill her?”
I shook my head. “No,” I whispered, and finally looked up at him. “I didn’t. I…” A face swam through my head, blue eyes shining as he smiled at me, and I swallowed hard. “I couldn’t.”
Kanin didn’t respond, but I could feel the tension leave him as I said this. But he only nodded. “Then let’s go,” he murmured, turning to the windowsill. “Jackal is waiting for us at the fence line. By now, Sarren has pulled even farther away. We need to find his trail again and head for Eden.”
Numbly, I followed my sire out the window to the edge of the house, where the Master vampire pulled bars into place once more. After leaping the trench, I looked around and noticed that a new, very large pile of wood had been stacked next to the chopping stump, and I smiled to myself. Kanin’s “payment” for tonight, for the harm his actions would bring, in his own words. I thought of the woman I’d fed from, pale and weak because of me, and swallowed hard. Maybe I should do something, too, leave something behind that would help.
“I’ve already taken care of it, Allison,” Kanin said behind me, as if reading my thoughts. “Though firewood and a day’s supply of meat is hardly compensation for the loss of a family member. I am glad it did not come to that.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, feeling a burning shame spread through me again. I felt his eyes on me and wondered, briefly, if I would ever earn Kanin’s trust again, if he would ever see me the way he did before.
“I’m sorry, Kanin,” I said quietly, not looking at him. I didn’t have to say more; he knew what I meant. For everything. For being a monster. For letting myself become a monster. For disappointing you and letting you think you failed. I know you, of all people, never wanted to see me like this. Like Jackal.
Kanin watched me in silence. Just long enough for me to wonder if it was too late, if he had given up both his offspring for lost. Then I felt his presence behind me, his strong hands coming to rest on my shoulders.
“We all have regrets, Allison,” he said, his voice unbearably gentle. “We all have succumbed to the darkness and the monster. There is not one vampire in the world who has not. Even James has points in his past he would change, if he could. The important thing is that you do not let these points define you. James gave up fighting it long ago. For you and I, it is a constant uphill battle not to give in, not to become that demon, and it will be that way for eternity. I will not lie and tell you it gets any easier.
“But,” he continued in that same quiet voice, “you have achieved something few vampires ever could—you have chosen to master your demon, to remember your life before you became immortal. Even though it is hard. Even though the Hunger will always tell you that it is easier to give in, to not remember
anything human. It is the reason I told you, from the very beginning, that you would always be a monster.” His voice, already low, went even softer. “I’d hoped that, when I Turned you, you would choose a more noble path than James, that you were tenacious enough to retain some semblance of humanity. I hoped that, if I taught you well enough, your will to live would help you in the fight to contain the beast.” A ghost of a smile entered his voice then, and he dropped his arms. “As it turns out, I greatly underestimated that stubbornness.”
“Yeah, well…” The barest hint of a smile tugged at one corner of my lips, even through the crushing guilt. “I had a pretty good teacher.”
Kanin’s voice returned to normal. “Regardless of the circumstances, you walked to the very edge tonight, looked into the darkness, and turned away. You did not take that final step to become a true monster. That’s not to say that it won’t happen again, sometime in the future. It will. You will always be fighting it, because we are never far from that edge, and it is a very thin line between human and demon. One day you might eventually go over, but until then, be very certain. Is this truly the path you want?”
“Yes,” I said immediately. “It is.”
This time, there was no doubt. No hesitation. Even if it hurt. Even though remembering Zeke ripped my heart into a million tiny pieces, I would not let this thing win. And if that meant fighting the monster until the end of time, that’s what I was going to do.
I felt a brief, light touch on my shoulder before Kanin stepped away. “I expected nothing less,” he said, nearly inaudible. “And, knowing you, perhaps you will be the very first to pull it off.
“Come,” he continued, walking away from the house and its residents, all still alive and unaware of how narrowly they’d avoided death this evening. “It will take us the rest of the night to return to our original trail. And Sarren has extended his lead even farther now. If we are going to have any hope of stopping him, we need to pick up the pace.”
I nodded and hurried after him, and together we walked across the snowy yard, toward the field and the tangled woods beyond. Back toward the road, and the trail that would take us to Eden.
Chapter 4
“I can’t believe you’ve gone all bleeding heart on me again.”
“Shut up, Jackal.”
We were back on the road again, and the forest had finally thinned out. Though it still wrapped its barren claws around everything it could touch, we were seeing more houses and buildings huddled in the snow through the trees, stubbornly clinging to existence. Rusty hulks of cars were sprinkled about the road, though usually on the other side, heading away from us. In my experience, that meant we were nearing a city, but all the nights had sort of blended together, and I had no idea how close to Eden we were. If we were close at all.
“So, all those fun plans we made—finding the cure, undead army, our own vampire city—all that’s gone right out the window, hasn’t it?”
“Yes. I told you before, I don’t want any of those things.” “Typical.” He snorted. “Silly me, thinking you actually had potential. I thought, Finally, she’s realized she’s a vampire. Now we’re getting somewhere. But now you’re just a big fluffy bunny with sharp teeth.”
“Shut up, Jackal!”
“If you two do not stop,” Kanin said without turning around, “I am going to find another road to Eden without you. James, it has been two days. Let it go.”
“Whatever you say, old man,” Jackal said, holding his hands up. “Though I don’t know why you’re complaining. You got your little spawn back. You must be so proud.”
“What’s the matter, James?” I couldn’t keep the grin from my face as he turned on me. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous.”
He snorted. “Of you? Don’t make me laugh, sister. If I feel anything right now, it’s pity. I…wait a second.” He stopped in the middle of the road, gazing around, making Kanin and me stop, too. His gold eyes swept over an ancient road sign, most of it eaten by rust, the words unreadable. “I recognize this town,” he muttered, as Kanin and I watched cautiously. “I know where we are. These are the outskirts of Old Chicago.”
I stared at him. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, sister. I think I know my own territory.” Jackal grinned, eyes shining eagerly as he gazed down the road. “No question. Follow this road for another two days, and you’ll hit Chicago, right in the heart of Raidertown.”
“How nice for you,” I said, though the thought of being close to another vampire’s territory, especially this vampire’s territory, made me nervous. “You can finally go home. I’m sure your murderous raider friends will be thrilled to see you again.”
“Oh, I’m sure they couldn’t care less,” Jackal returned, waving an airy hand. At my surprised look, he chuckled. “Please, sister. I might be an egotistical bastard, but I’m not blind. The minions follow me because I promise them power, freedom and all the carnage they can stomach. And because I’ll tear the head off anyone who challenges me. If I never come back, it’s no loss to them. They’ll do what they’ve always done. So, yeah…” He shrugged. “I don’t have any illusions of them showering me with flowers and puppies when I return. However, it’s a good place to grab a snack, a place to sleep that’s not completely disgusting, and maybe a couple bikes for the road. We can shave a lot of time off getting to Eden if we’re not on foot.”
He had a point. Chasing Sarren would be easier if we had a working vehicle. And, I wouldn’t lie, the thought of riding a motorcycle again was tempting. I’d “borrowed” one from the raiders the last time I was in Old Chicago, and had discovered the thrill of flying down an empty highway at top speed. Nothing compared, really.
Kanin narrowed his eyes, looking troubled. “And what if Sarren has gotten there before us?” he asked.
Jackal snorted. “Then he’s either crazier than I thought or completely suicidal. Even Sarren can’t take out a whole city of armed, bloodthirsty minions.” He curled a lip in disgust. “And if he can, then you’ll have to excuse me, because at that point I’m going to say the hell with you both, you can chase after Sarren without me. Though I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. The minions are stupid and savage, but they have one thing that makes them semi-useful—there’s a whole fucking lot of them.” He smirked, crossing his arms. “If Sarren wants to take out my city, he’s welcome to try. The minions aren’t a bunch of cowering little meatsacks, and four hundred raiders with automatic weapons are a match for any bloodsucker, crazy or not. Trespassers always get the same reception—a bunch of lead through the brain.”
“And what about me?” I asked, frowning at him. “I’m pretty sure your army hasn’t forgotten what happened when I was in Old Chicago. The last time I went through, they were trying to kill me.”
“Give them some credit, sister.” Jackal gave me an exasperated eye roll. “You had just burned down my theater and killed a whole lot of them on your way out. Which, frankly, I’m still a little annoyed about. I happened to like that theater.
“But don’t worry,” he went on, confident and unconcerned. “You’re with me, and the only way the minions will shoot at you is if I give the order. They’re a stupid lot, but they know their place on the food chain.”
“Just don’t get any ideas,” I growled at him. “Actually, I don’t know if I like the idea of going into your city of bloodthirsty killers. You’ve stabbed us in the back before—what’s to stop you from doing it again?”
“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” Jackal gave me an annoyed look. “Even though it probably saved your soft little hide from being carved into a pentagram by Sarren. Everyone seems to forget that part. Would it kill you to have a little faith in your older brother?”
“It might.”
“Well, you’ll just have to take your chances now, won’t you?”
I scowled and glanced at Kanin, who stood a few feet away, watching his offspring argue with a stoic expression. “Kanin? What do you think?”
/> The Master vampire sighed. “If we are already headed in that direction,” he said, “I see no reason why we shouldn’t go through Old Chicago. If we can procure a vehicle and reach Eden in a shorter amount of time, it will be worth the detour. But…” And his brow furrowed slightly as he looked at Jackal. “I fear what we might find when we reach the city,” he mused, ignoring the other’s disdainful look. “Let us hope Sarren has left your humans undisturbed.”
We started off again, and now that I knew where we were, where we were headed, certain landmarks began taking on a familiar feel. I thought I recognized a bend in the road, a rusty car half buried in weeds and snow on the side of the pavement. I wondered if I hadn’t passed them on my way to Old Chicago the first time I’d come through. Though it had been only a few months before, it felt like a lifetime ago.
We came to another town, empty and deserted like all the ones before it. But as we walked down cracked, snow-covered roads, passing ancient structures falling apart and smothered by weeds, something felt strange. The sense of déjà vu was growing stronger, to the point where I finally stopped in the middle of the road, gazing around and racking my brain for the reason this seemed so familiar.
“Allison.” Kanin turned, dark eyes searching as I stood there, frowning. “What are you doing?”
I know this place. The feeling was stronger than ever, beckoning me down a certain street, and my curiosity was too insistent to ignore. I had to know. Without answering, I headed off the main road and began walking deeper into town. The other two vampires hesitated a moment, then followed.
“Uh, sister? In case you didn’t know, Chicago is that way.”
Still ignoring them, I continued down the sidewalk, past crumbling buildings and the hulks of dead cars. Everything looked different now, because of the snow, but I felt like I’d been here before.